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Self-destructive friends — what to do? (from CNN)
Self-destructive friends — what to do? (from CNN) By Elizabeth Bougerol (LifeWire) — When Theresa heard her friend was getting married, her heart sank. “I told her I thought it was a mistake,” says Theresa. “So she kicked me out of her wedding party. We didn’t speak for six months.” And the happy couple? “Within a year, her husband left her for another man,” said Theresa, who asked that her full name not be used. For Theresa, a medical receptionist in the Adirondacks, this was one more incident that followed a familiar pattern: Her friend picks the wrong man, and Theresa is left to pick up the pieces. The final…
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MySpace Suicide
I recently read about the suicide of 13-year-old Megan Meier, who, according to press reports hanged herself in her room after receiving “mean” and “insulting” messages from another MySpace user – one that was pretending to be her friend. ABC News Report of Suicide Story I decided to use this report to point out something important about this story. What her parents have gone through in this case is monstrously painful and I don’t, by any means, take up this tragedy to criticize her mother. I can only imagine the amount of pain and anguish her mother and father must be going through. I know if one of my children…
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PUVAS and DBT Skills
PUVAS is an acronym that comes from “Stop Walking on Eggshells” it means: Pay attention Understand fully Validate emotions Assert yourself Shift responsibility where it belongs Paying attention to what is being helps us avoid making assumptions. Understanding what someone is trying to communicate may require seeking clarification so we don’t make assumptions. Validating the emotional statements of the other person will pave the way for further smooth communications. Asserting yourself is a form of setting boundaries and is a very important piece of the healthy communication process. [amazonshowcase_aae6001f3f5766bb5a55f3fb147c3088] Basically, it is similiar to a combination of DEAR MAN and the GIVE skills from DBT. DEAR MAN is extremely helpful for have…
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Validation versus Agreement
It is important for nons to understand the difference between validation and agreement. It seems many “nons” find it difficult to use validation with their loved ones. They have this opinion that validation is “giving in” to the desires and wants of the person with BPD. Often they feel that their own needs (the non’s needs) or desires are in conflict with those of the person with BPD and that if they “give in” they lose. Validation is not about agreement or winning or losing. Validation is about finding the truth in other people’s FEELINGS, not their decisions or behavior. The other person’s feelings are the key issue at heart…
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Emotional Literacy
On a site that I previously mentioned, I found the top ten ways to improve emotional literacy. 1. Become emotionally literate. Label your feelings, rather than labeling people or situations. “I feel impatient.” vs “This is ridiculous.” I feel hurt and bitter”. vs. “You are an insensitive jerk.” “I feel afraid.” vs. “You are driving like a idiot.” 2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings. Thoughts: I feel like…& I feel as if…. & I feel that Feelings: I feel: (feeling word) 3. Take more responsibility for your feelings. “I feel jealous.” vs. “You are making me jealous.” 4. Use your feelings to help them make decisions. “How will I feel…
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Using DBT Skills to Help the Relationship
The danger of seeing validation as an end-all, be-all is clear from our last few messages. In DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness section there are (at least) 3 skills that are separate and distinct. They are used in different circumstances and can be used in combination. They are: 1) GIVE 2) FAST 3) DEAR MAN GIVE is used to “keep the relationship” and can be used when OTHER people have strong feelings. The GIVE skills are: Gentle (Be) Interested (Act) Validate Easy Manner (Use an) FAST is used to keep you self-respect. THe FAST skills are: Fair (be) Apologies (no) Stick to values Truthful (be) Last, DEAR MAN is used to get…