Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs

I have discovered some resources on the web that may help those with BPD (and those nons who are in a relationship with someone with BPD). These resources are:

Mass General Hospital Mood Charting (thanks to Tides…)

DBT Skills Help:

Emotional Regulation Skills… from dbtselfhelp.com … from Borderline Personality From the Inside Out

Mindfulness Skills… from dbtselfhelp.com

Distress Tolerance Skills… from dbtselfhelp.com

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills… from dbtselfhelp.com

DBT Family Skills Training… from middle-path.org

You can gain access to more DBT resources, to other pertinent files, and to advice from me and other group members by joining the ATSTP (Anything to Stop the Pain) Google Email List.

Bon Dobbs :: Sep.17.2008 :: Resources, DBT-FST, Mindfulness, DBT, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

I have created a new version of my book, which fixes some typos and clarifies some points. I also was able to drop the price! It’s now $19.95, instead of $20.95. Since it got 3 pages shorter, I will be able to make a decent profit at the lower price. That price anticipates the cost it will have to be when I get it on Amazon (shortly).

Anyway, I suggest you check out the preview, and pick up a copy (shameless self-promotion). You can see the preview or buy the printed or downloadable version of When Love is Not Enough at Lulu.com.

If you are one of my readers with BPD, I would suggest getting a copy for anyone with whom you’d like to have an on-going relationship. Why? Because this book teaches a “Non-BP” the attitudes and tools to be more effective and more validating toward someone with BPD. The purpose is to rebuild the lines of communication. Like I said in a previous post (or comment), if I can quote myself here:

The BP/Non-BP relationship seems to me to be one of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I hope that I can help each learn the language of the other. And I agree most public awareness is important - BUT it has to be the right kind of awareness - not the “stay away from these people” or “these people are evil” kind.

Enjoy!

Bon Dobbs :: May.13.2008 :: Pain, Treatment, Boundaries, DBT-FST, Resources, Impulsiveness, Suicide, Shame, Mindfulness, Validation, Lying, Manipulation, Self-Injury, Emotions, Substance Abuse, Parenting, DBT :: No Comments »

At long last (about six months of work and 2 1/2 years of research, experimentation and practice), my first book When Love is Not Enough (WLINE) has been published!

This book is a quick-start, how-to guide for Non-BPs. It spells out step-by-step WHAT to do in your relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD traits) and HOW to do it. Unlike other books on this subject (you guys probably know which ones I’m talking about), WLINE tells EXACTLY what to do. Through the use of attitudes and tools, WLINE can help you build mastery over your relationship, regain control of your life and develop a deeper understanding of your BP loved one. I highly recommend it (if I do say so myself).

Although WLINE is fairly short (about 185 pages), it is packed full insights, advice and practical skills to help you understand your BP and to reestablish the lines of communication. If you are a Non-BP, WLINE is an essential resource. If you have BPD, I would recommend that you recommend WLINE to your family members, partners and friends (that is, if they are aware of your disorder). WLINE helps to build the bridge of understanding, serenity and effective communication between Nons and BPs.

It could be the most effective $20.95 you’ve ever spent.

If you’d like to buy a printed or eBook copy of WLINE, I am selling the book through Lulu:

Buy the Book!

A note on the title… I kicked around a number of titles before settling on this one. It is my feeling that most Nons don’t understand that, in addition to love, they have to develop ATTITUDES and SKILLS to be effective in their relationship with a BP. WLINE actually innumerates these attitudes and skills and provides detailed examples of how to apply them. With a commitment to the relationship, application of the concepts in the book and PRACTICE, a Non can learn what IS enough in their relationship with a BP.

Bon Dobbs :: May.09.2008 :: Pain, Treatment, Boundaries, Shame, DBT-FST, Blame, Best of, Impulsiveness, Suicide, Resources, Mindfulness, Biology, Validation, Lying, Manipulation, DBT, Self-Injury, Anger, Substance Abuse, Parenting, Emotions, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

PUVAS is an acronym that comes from “Stop Walking on Eggshells” it means:

Pay attention
Understand fully
Validate emotions
Assert yourself
Shift responsibility where it belongs

Paying attention to what is being helps us avoid making assumptions.

Understanding what someone is trying to communicate may require seeking clarification so we don’t make assumptions.

Validating the emotional statements of the other person will pave the way for further smooth communications.

Asserting yourself is a form of setting boundaries and is a very important piece of the healthy communication process.

Basically, it is similiar to a combination of DEAR MAN and the GIVE skills from DBT. DEAR MAN is extremely helpful for have a conversation with someone who is emotional and to prevent from engaging your emotions yourself. DEAR MAN is:

DEAR (what to do):

Describe - describe the situation WITHOUT being judgmental. Just say what happened without making value judgments of the meaning of what happened or the intentions of the other person.

Express - express how you feel about it with an emotional word (such as sad, glad, mad or scared). Do not judge with this statement either.

Assert - assert what you’d like to happen in the future in this situation - what will not trigger the emotion you expressed.

Reinforce - reinforce means to back up the other person’s statement that moves toward what you wish. If the person says, “I’m sorry. I will try and not do that in the future.” You say, “I would really appreciate that. I don’t like feeling [whatever]. That would make me much happier.”

MAN (how to do it):

Mindfully - this is the “pay attention” part. You should be totally in the conversation and listen to the responses. However, you should ignore statements that are not addressing the issue at hand. You can also repeat your points agina until the other person fully understands what you are saying.

Appear Confident - even if you don’t feel confident discussing the point, you should appear confident. This prevents the other person from attacking or playing on your vulnerabilities.

Negiotiate - in cases where a “middle ground” makes sense, being willing to negiotiate is helpful because no one comes out the total “winner” or “loser”.

The GIVE skills are this:

Be Gentle - don’t attack.

Act Interested - listen carefully to what the other person says and the needs expressed.

Validate - use emotionally validation skills to “soften the blow”.

Easy Manner - use an easy manner and do not dominate the conversation.

Bon Dobbs :: Dec.03.2007 :: Resources, DBT-FST, DBT :: 1 Comment »

An article on DBT skills and validation:

There are few things people want more in life than to be told that they are right about what they are thinking, feeling and doing. Upon being told this, people usually calm down and feel better, which makes communicating with them much easier. Validation basically involves communicating that we understand, appreciate or approve of something in another person, such as their beliefs, emotions or actions. Though we may be able to validate everything someone feels or does (especially if these are destructive) we can learn to find something in the person’s feelings or behaviors that we can understand and agree with.

http://www.dbtsf.com/helping-someone.htm

bon :: Feb.08.2006 :: DBT-FST, Validation :: No Comments »

An article on DBT training for family members of borderlines:

Individual DBT has addressed the problems of the individual’s emotional vulnerability (high sensitivity, high reactivity, slow return to baseline) component by intervening directly with the individual patient. Although interventions with family members are briefly noted in the original treatment manual, standard DBT does not directly attempt to affect the second component of the etiological model for BPD and related disorders, namely, that of the invalidating environment. There are several levels of adapting DBT that are possible. First, one could simply apply DBT essentially intact to new populations (for example, to battering men; Fruzzetti, Rubio, & Thorp, 1998). Or, one could use the existing treatment to augment outcomes with borderline clients (like teaching the original DBT skills to family members or partners of borderline clients; Fruzzetti, Hoffman, & Linehan, in press). Finally, one could also develop new interventions (skill modules and/or treatment strategies), consistent with the transactional model, to intervene specifically at the level of the environment (say, a family or a residential center; Fruzzetti et al., in press). All three of these approaches have been initiated and are presently being evaluated.

http://www.middle-path.org/DBT/Article_Archive/dbtfst.html

Bon Dobbs :: Jan.31.2006 :: DBT-FST, DBT :: No Comments »