-
A Response with DBT Skills
Below is a response I gave to a member with a girlfriend with maldapative BPD responses: The purpose is really about HER and not you though. She thinks that she is not lovable and is a bad person and is shameful inside. So when you tell her or show her that she is not unlovable she feels a little better. The big problem in this dynamic is the middle steps and the assumption that she can only get validation from the outside. She needs to learn a new way to solicit what she needs without using FOG. She just knows no other way. A good way to do this is…
-
Using DBT Skills to Help the Relationship
The danger of seeing validation as an end-all, be-all is clear from our last few messages. In DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness section there are (at least) 3 skills that are separate and distinct. They are used in different circumstances and can be used in combination. They are: 1) GIVE 2) FAST 3) DEAR MAN GIVE is used to “keep the relationship” and can be used when OTHER people have strong feelings. The GIVE skills are: Gentle (Be) Interested (Act) Validate Easy Manner (Use an) FAST is used to keep you self-respect. THe FAST skills are: Fair (be) Apologies (no) Stick to values Truthful (be) Last, DEAR MAN is used to get…
-
Does it matter if it is really BPD? (or if it could be PTSD)
I used to think it didn’t really matter if it was BPD or not. If the person is behaving in a “borderline fashion” I used to think “ok, well let’s read SWOE and follow the directions for taking MY life back” – but I have changed my mind about the importance of the diagnosis. The reason behind my changing my mind is that I believe that BPD is an emotional disorder and that the core feeling behind it is shame (and pain) – unlike PTSD, where the core emotion is fear. If a person has a great deal of fear (a phobia for example), treatment for this problem can be…
-
Talking to someone with emotional issues
I actually wrote this message on WTO some time ago. I think I am going to post some of my “Best of” message postings from WTO and from ATSTP lists – after removing any personal information from other posters. I’ve posted so many messages I would be worth it (I think) to share some of that information to the Internet public at large through this blog. So here goes (the Best of #1): Actually, these communication methods work with anyone, anytime. They will work in normal communication and during “OZ” – and I am trying to always be in this mode. It is difficult and takes a ton of effort,…