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A page from my eBook “Beyond Boundaries”….
In a word, nothing.
What I have a problem with is people using only boundaries (also known as “limits”). I have a problem with people thinking that boundaries are the end-all, be-all of relationship tools. I also have a problem with people using “boundaries” that are not really boundaries at all.
Let me explain… Many in the Non-BPD support community (loved ones of people with borderline personality disorder – BPD) seem to latch on to boundaries as the main tool for dealing with their loved one with BPD. While boundaries (if understood and used properly) can be an effective tool for you, boundaries are not the end-all, be-all tool in a Non-BPD’s toolbox. I have read hundreds of messages that advise others to “enforce their boundaries” with someone with BPD, as if boundaries will make the relationship more manageable. Actually, boundaries are not the most effective tool in dealing with someone with BPD. What are the more effective tools? I will explain those at length in this eBook.
Another problem with boundaries is that if a Non-BPD decides to use ONLY boundaries, troubles will occur. The reason behind this is that boundaries are an effective tool for YOU, but not necessarily an effective tool for the relationship. Often, when someone is using only boundaries, the person on the “receiving end” of the boundary will feel like they are being dealt with harshly, which, in some circumstances, can cause MORE rage. With BPD, the application of “tough love” is most often not effective. While tough love may be appropriate with substance abuse or other behavioral disorders, BPD is not primarily a behavioral disorder. It is primarily a disorder of the emotional regulation system (some researchers have suggested renaming the disorder to “Emotional Regulation Disorder”). It is a true mental illness with both biological and environmental causes and effects. It’s not just a person behaving badly, even though it can include severe behavioral dysfunction.
A final problem with boundaries is the misunderstanding of what boundaries are and to whom they apply. I explain this issue in the “About Boundaries” section of this eBook.
The reason I titled this eBook “Beyond Boundaries” is because the tools represented within are just that: they are tools to take your relationship to an effective level, beyond the knee-jerk idea that boundaries are the best tool for a Non-BPD/BPD relationship. Although many support groups, self-help books and even therapists provide the single tool of boundaries for your relationship, this eBook will provide you with an entire tool kit. Like any tool kit, the tools contained within are appropriate for different tasks. Your job, if you are willing to do it, is to learn the function of each tool and then practice with each tool until you have a complete mastery over it. That is the way to emotional freedom and peace in a difficult relationship.
“How to set boundaries to protect yourself and improve living with a BP?”
OK, I don’t normally do it, but today I went out to my old (circa 2005-2006) haunt – WTO (i.e. “Welcome to Oz”). WTO is the largest non-BP board on the Internet. It’s been around or at least 10 years and has over 4,000 members. Most of the members are quiet (like me). I used to post way back when and got into a number of “altercations” with people because I was presenting a different approach to people with BPD than the majority of the members. Mostly, it’s people who have just started trying to figure out what BPD is all about and are hurt and frustrated.
The quoted text above is a subject line of a recent post. I feel for the woman, I really do. Yet, that line seems to typify the very problem with BPD support groups. Firstly, there is an assumption that boundaries are the default tool for making a relationship work. They aren’t. I explain in great detail in my eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. However, the short version about boundaries is (from the Beyond Boundaries eBook):
If you do any research on BPD, you will find a plethora of advice from all types of people. There are Internet support groups, self-help books and personal stories that tell you what to do as a Non-BP. Some of this advice is good and works effectively with someone with BPD. Some of this advice is not good and is ineffective with someone with BPD. Some of this advice is misperceived by the Non and applied in a way that is not intended by the advice giver. The most misunderstood tool is boundaries.
If I had a nickel for every time someone joins my Internet list and says: “I set boundaries and try to enforce them.”
… or something like that, I’d be rich. Well, not really but I would probably have a couple of hundred dollars anyway.
Unfortunately, most people who try to create and apply boundaries to their BP relationship, do so improperly and with misunderstanding. This misunderstanding is amplified across the Internet and in publications about dealing with an emotionally sensitive person. The misunderstanding arises in two forms: one is the meaning of a boundary, and the second is to whom the boundary applies.
Many people believe that a “boundary” is equivalent to a rule and that they have to enforce their personal boundaries with a person who has BPD. This is not the case. A personal boundary is not a rule that needs to be enforced. Instead, a personal boundary is a limit that one puts on one’s own behavior. It is a choice that you make about your own behavior and a limit on the behavior you’re willing to engage in.
Boundaries have their place, but the assumption that boundaries (or limits) are the end-all, be-all (or even the default approach to BPD is IMO misguided. Other tools are much more important, effective and productive than boundaries.
Now as for “protecting oneself” I can certainly understand why one would feel that they need to protect themselves. However, I see a relationship not as a power struggle or “battle of wills” but as a cooperative sharing of feelings. Unfortunately, a borderline’s feelings are very overwhelming and, at times, seem to be the only feelings in the relationship. If someone is trying to hurt you, it’s quite possible that they’re not borderline, they’re a psychopath (in the true sense of the term). If you’d like to know more about true psychopath you can listen to this (the middle part is the presentation of Dr. James Blair about psychopathy).
You see borderline aggression is reactive in nature. It is reactive to what the borderline perceives as a threat. If the environment is a power struggle, they are going to be trigger continuously. If the environment is a cooperative sharing of feelings, the threat level will go down and you will get less aggression.
This pattern is not the same as a true psychopath.
 New "Beyond Boundaries" eBook I published a new eBook called Beyond Boundaries: the advanced guide for loved ones of people with BPD. This 72 page eBook is packed with information and tools for you to gain a more effective and calmer relationship with someone with BPD. It is the culmination of what I have done in When Hope is Not Enough as well as what I have been working on since. It explains (rather tersely) what you can do and how you can get your relationship to be more of a trusting, loving relationship. It also explains when boundaries are helpful and when they are not.
The cost of the new eBook is $18.00. I think you will find that it is worth it. People in NY will have to pay sales tax. Sorry, blame the NY State legislature.
The eBook is available through Google Checkout below:
Beyond Boundaries
Recently, Randi Kreger published her new book “The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder.” I read it and have to give thanks to Randi for providing it to me gratis. Thanks Randi!
At the same time, I have a problem with this book. While it is MUCH better than “Stop Walking on Eggshells” (SWOE), her previous book about NON-BPs, I agree with her prescription about 40%. Her sections on “Communicating to be heard” and “Reinforcing right behavior” are agreeable, the rest is NOT agreeable to me. I will soon offer a true book review of this new book; however, I believe (humbly) that my book WHINE is a MUCH better book for understanding and dealing with a person with BPD than either SWOE or “The Essential Guide…” by Randi. While I know where she is coming from, she misses an essential thing about BPD – that thing is IAAHF (“it’s all about his/her feelings”), a concept in WHINE. She still seems to think that you can make it (at first) about YOUR feelings, which, with BPD, is impossible at first. This is both my opinion and the opinions of the members of my group. I am a bit miffed that SWOE sold something like 300,00 copies and WHINE 300, because I think (as do my almost 400) group members that WHINE is a MUCH better book to understand the BPD/NON-BPD dynamic than either SWOE or “The Essential Family Guide…”
I know that Randi will see this via her Google alerts and I welcome her comments. I have no argument or disagreement with Randi. I respect her and feel she is contributing to the community the best she can. At that same time, I feel her publishing efforts fall short of what is effective in the NON-BP area.
Well, well, well… I don’t know why but apparently I continue to be a subject at WTO. Weird. I posted about this a few days ago. I’ve been out of touch with the blog for a few days, while I do family stuff and take care of my email list. I really admire the people on my list; they do a great job of being both honest and validating with one another – while at the same time providing constructive advice to one another.
Boundaries… I’ve posted about boundaries many times before. I think boundaries are one of the most misunderstood concepts in the non-BP/BP relationship. While it is difficult to be a parent of anyone (much less someone with BPD) and provide no guidance to your child – I mean, it is natural to want to provide some advice and guidance to children – boundaries in the sense that many people on the Internet understand them are not effective in an emotional situation. Now, WAIT! Actually boundaries ARE effective… OK, how can I say they aren’t effective and are effective at the same time?
The major problem with boundaries is that most of the Nons out there believe that boundaries are something to “control” or “moderate” their BP’s behavior. This concept is absolutely ineffective and untrue. Boundaries created for other people (whether they have BPD or not) are not effective – especially when the other person has a general fear of judgment like those with BPD. Those types of boundaries are not really boundaries at all – they are RULES for the behavior of another person. They will not work in emotional situations.
Boundaries that DO work are those you set for yourself with respect to other people’s behavior. In other words, boundaries that guide your OWN behavior are effective ones. If you say to someone, “I will not go to a resuarant with you if you are drunk” (for example), what you are really doing is setting a boundary that limits/affects your OWN behavior given certain conditions. That type of boundary is effective because you, as a non-BP, have complete control over it. You can choose NOT to do something given a set of conditions.
I would encourage you to examine what you ”boundaries” you have in place and see if they are rules for other people’s behaviors or if they are actual personal boundaries that manage your own behavior and reactions. If they are the former, I expect you will end up being frustrated quickly. If they are the later, then you can find some peace when they are applied to a given situation. This statement isn’t meant to imply that someone with BPD will automatically accept your application of personal boundaries (to yourself). No, they might rage at you or try and convince you to do otherwise (i.e. go to the restaurant even if they are drunk), but you are the master of your own behavior and you can always be firm and say, “No.”
Interestingly, I have sold more downloaded books than print copies thus far. I have sold about twice as many of the downloaded version (at $7.50) than the print copy ($19.95). This is not something that I expected to happen.
I have been asked time and time again why I bothered to write a book. There are other books out there, including the best-selling Non-BP book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” (or SWOE). I read SWOE about 2 ½ years ago and found it lacking. The big problem with it for me was that the prescription for “taking back your life” wasn’t working in my life. The application of boundaries, for example, wasn’t effective. So, I sought out other resources that would be effective. I wrote my book “When Hope is Not Enough” for four main reasons:
- Other books on the subject (most notably SWOE) didn’t work or tell me HOW to do things. I needed the know-how. My book tries to supply the know-how to “deal with” someone with BPD. I learned a lot from SWOE, but again, I wanted to know WHAT to do and HOW to do it.
- Obviously, the money angle comes into play. I have wanted to quit my day job for a long time now, but I need the income to support my family. I’d like to do this “Non-BP” thing full time. I feel that the Non-BP’s are missing the support resources. While I do run the ATSTP email list to help support Non-BP’s, I didn’t feel like that was enough – plus, it doesn’t pay me anything. I am hoping that I will get better sales once the book makes it to Amazon. That should happen in about a month or so.
- I wanted to collect all of my tools and skills in one place. Often, I have to re-educate newbies (and even some old timers) on my email list. I find myself going over the same old ground again and again – explaining the disorder, instructing on the proper use of boundaries and validation, etc., etc. It’s difficult for me to step back in time and put myself in the mind-set of someone who knows little about the disorder and what to do in the face of it. I wanted to create a compendium for the attitudes and tools that are effective when dealing with BPD. One of the key tools is, of course, emotional validation. I expect to write another eBook specifically on validation, what it is and how to do it properly. I explain it at length in my book, but there are many other concepts I have to explain before I explain validation. I think a dedicated eBook in which I explain in detail the validation process would help.
- Finally, the members of my email list asked me to write the book. They were also looking for a single resource that collected all of the knowledge about dealing with highly emotional people in one place. I hope the book will function in this way.
Self-destructive friends — what to do? (from CNN)
By Elizabeth Bougerol
(LifeWire) — When Theresa heard her friend was getting married, her heart sank.
“I told her I thought it was a mistake,” says Theresa. “So she kicked me out of her wedding party. We didn’t speak for six months.”
And the happy couple?
“Within a year, her husband left her for another man,” said Theresa, who asked that her full name not be used.
For Theresa, a medical receptionist in the Adirondacks, this was one more incident that followed a familiar pattern: Her friend picks the wrong man, and Theresa is left to pick up the pieces.
The final straw came when Theresa’s friend gave a different boyfriend power of attorney even though Theresa begged her not to.
“I just felt powerless,” says Theresa.
Such hard-to-control impulses cause behavior that is not only self-destructive but prompts frustration and anger among friends and family trying to lend a hand.
Roots of self-destructive behavior
“Nobody wants to watch someone they love hurt themselves,” says Angela Wurtzel, a psychotherapist in Santa Barbara, California, specializing in “hunger diseases” like eating disorders, self-injury and compulsive shopping.
But in almost all cases, she warns, trying to help will backfire.
What a well-intentioned friend may see as a clear-cut problem with an obvious solution — an anorexic should eat more, for example, or a compulsive shopper should cut up the credit card — is something far more complex.
“These compulsions serve a purpose as a self-soothing or coping mechanism for deep psychological pain,” Wurtzel says.
This helps to explain the individual’s resistance to change — which frustrates those who try to intervene.
“Friends feel powerless because they are,” Wurtzel says. “These compulsions have roots in issues that have taken a lifetime to develop.”
“A friend can offer support, but finding the reasons behind the behavior, and breaking down resistance? That’s a therapist’s job,” Wurtzel says.
Setting boundaries
When the friend you’re trying to help can’t let go, should you?
“I had to,” says Michael, whose attempts to help a friend spiraling out of control after her mother’s death were thwarted repeatedly.
“It started with drinking and drugs, then she quit her job, canceled her cell phone, just dropped off the map — like an animal that goes off to die,” says the IT technician living outside of Washington, DC.
Michael, who asked that his full name not be used, said he wanted to help “but in my experience, helping someone who’s not ready pushes them away — and makes you worse, because nothing you do makes a difference.”
Michael’s friend ultimately sought professional help, but they’re no longer close. Theresa has lessened contact with her friend.
“I miss our friendship,” says Theresa. “But I don’t miss the teary 3 a.m. phone calls.”
Helping for the wrong reasons
Despite good intentions, some helpers may be overly invested in fixing friends who can’t seem to fix themselves.
“I definitely attract needy people,” says Theresa. “When I was able to help (the friend), it felt good — but that became harder and harder, and she’d blame me for letting her down.”
“It’s much easier to focus on another’s problems than to acknowledge our own,” says Wurtzel, who works with patients who repeatedly seek out helper-helpee relationships. “And this can become its own compulsion, recreating a familiar dynamic that’s just as self-destructive for the helper.”
“If you’re compelled to intervene in these situations, ask yourself what you’re getting out of it,” Wurtzel says.
Finding a balance
According to Wurtzel, the key to helping a self-destructive friend lies in a delicate balance of compassion and boundaries. She offers advice for lending a hand while preserving the friendship — and your sanity:
• Set expectations, but don’t make demands. “An adult relationship is based on expectations, standards and values, with compassion for differences,” Wurtzel says. “Demanding the other do things for you and the relationship creates a power struggle.”
• Make the other feel heard. “People with self-destructive tendencies expect others to be angry with and abandon them,” says Wurtzel. “You can validate their difficulties without condoning the behavior.”
• Understand your powerlessness. “If you feel powerless in the situation, it’s because you are,” Wurtzel says. “The battle of self-destructive behavior is within the person, between them and them.”
• Resist the rescue impulse. If someone’s always swooping in to save the day, the self-destructive person has no reason take care of themselves. “Lay out your expectations for the relationship, for what you’re willing to do and what you expect them to do,” Wurtzel says. “It creates the impetus to change.”
• Set boundaries — not for the self-destructive person but for yourself. “Otherwise the relationship becomes unequal, unhelpful and destructive to both people,” Wurtzel says.
I often peruse the web for articles and posts about dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder and what I usually find is incorrect and misguided. I recently stumbled upon a post that can be found here:
http://www.helium.com/tm/339437/individuals-suffering-borderline-personality
In which the author gives some insight and advice about “dealing with” someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. I’d like to look at her advice by excerpting some of her text and then offer a little commentary.
First of all, she says this:
Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorder are very self-destructive and they have great difficulty forming any good relationships. A deep-seeded fear of abandonment is behind every wayward action and prolonged mood swing. It’s [sic] victims are mainly women who show frequent displays of inappropriate anger and who exhibit forms of self-mutilation. They also act on impulse, without regards to consequences and than [sic] hold others responsible for their actions. They are sexually permissive and may indulge in binge eating and drug abuse. Victims of this disorder may shop lift. Hell bent on harming themselves, they live with no discipline or boundary.
While this characterization is generally true, it suffers from what wikipedia calls “weasel words”. Basically, the words that are used slant the information toward being extremely judgmental. What I mean is the use of the words “great difficulty forming any good relationships,” “every wayward action and prolonged mood swing,” “show frequent displays of inappropriate anger,” and “they live with no discipline or boundary” all show us that the author is judgmental toward the sufferer. The idea of “prolonged mood swing” is incorrect as well, since the “moods” of a person with BPD generally last only hours. Also, the idea that “they are sexually permissive” MAY be true for some of the sufferers, but not for all. The idea that a “fear of abandonment is behind EVERY wayward action” is also incorrect. Much of the “actions” are motivated by pain relief and/or shame. Use of the words “no discipline” betrays the authors true feelings about people with the disorder and tells me she doesn’t understand the disorder very well (see below on “Tough Love”).
 When Hope is Not EnoughGet the Non-BPD book that has helped hundreds! If you have the disorder, give it to you loved ones! It will help. The author goes on to say:
Group therapy can resolve self-destructive behaviors. These individuals learn better from their peers because of their resistance to authority. Impulse behavior can be curtailed in this same setting.
Which is basically wrong. Group therapy does work (especially in the context of DBT), but not for the reasons that the author suggests. It is not a “resistance to authority” that drives the effectiveness of group therapy. Instead, seeing that one is not the only sufferer and having the ability to support one another normalizes the disorder. You are not just the broken, shameful person that you feel you are. Interestingly, many people with BPD will criticize others in the group and report that they are not as “crazy” as those people are.
The thing I have the most problem with is this:
Tough love may be needed from family members and loved ones before the person asks for assistance.
This statement is completely false and possibly harmful. Here is the text of a post of mine in the ATSTP group which addresses Tough Love:
Depending on the actual problem with your son(s) the idea of “tough love” might be the worst thing for him (them). While it seems to work for substance abuse, tough love can be an awful mixture for those with ERD-like issues. The problem comes down to the “invalidating environment” as Marsha Linehan puts it. Tough love will invalidate a person’s basic feelings and lead to shame and the feeling of “brokenness”. I have seen this first-hand with one of my daughter’s friends. This friend is 16 now and is a classic BPD/ERD case. She has been kicked out of several “lock down” facilities. Recently her mother sent her to a “tough love”/boot camp. It was a total disaster for the kid and for the family.
A better approach IMO, is emotional validation + a sense of personal responsibility. This combination is built through letting the person know that feelings are not wrong or right, they just ARE. The second half comes through building mastery over their behavior associated with feelings. Bad feelings just exist. This is important because often a person with such issues will use behaviors (like drug abuse or cutting or raging) to make the bad feelings go away as quickly as possible. They need to learn to tolerate the distress and behave in an effective manner. Once this new behavior/reaction to feelings is practiced, they can eventually build mastery over the behaviors. This works backward to help quell the feelings.
It seems that most parents believe that emotional validation = “giving in” (or agreeing with the child or “poor discipline” or whatever). This is NOT the case. It’s difficult for me to express this more firmly. Remember the word “emotional” is important. If you validate invalid behavior, you are enabling. It is important to separate in your mind the emotions (which are natural) from the behavior (which can be painful to all involved). If that separation can be communicated to the person with ERD, it can be worked with. It is difficult, but possible.
Unfortunately, tough love is not the answer.
Here’s a snippet from one of my posters in ATSTP. It does a good job of explaining boundaries:
Forgive me, but I feel the need to restate what Bon wrote to you about boundaries. They are not about your partner’s actions. They are about yours.
In essence, boundaries are what you do with YOURSELF — AFTER the line’s been crossed. And eventually, they become what you do to put yourself in a position so the line CAN’T be crossed. They really have nothing to do with the “perpetrator”.
If that’s confusing, think of it this way:
1. The law says: Don’t go over 55 mph. (That’s a rule, not a boundary.)
2. A speeder goes 85 mph. (That’s breaking a rule, not breaking a boundary.)
3. You’re a passenger in a car while the speeder is driving. (You’re in a dangerous situation. Boundaries still aren’t a factor.)
4. You tell the driver they should slow down. (That’s a plea, not a boundary.)
5. They don’t, so you yell at them that they should. (That’s still a plea.)
6. You tell them if they don’t slow down, that they’ll get a ticket. (That’s a threat of consequences, not enforcing a boundary.)
7. Next time they ask you to ride with them, you don’t. (THAT’S a boundary.)
See, the thing is — Boundaries can’t be enforced, because they’re not rules. You either do them, or you don’t.
The idea even works in the traffic parallel. What’s a boundary on a road? A concrete divider. Cars CAN’T go over that. On the other hand, yellow lines are just rules that say “Don’t drive over this.” So they have to be enforced.
So, how can you tell a rule from a boundary? If you have to enforce it, it’s not a boundary.
I think there is a lot of confusion about boundaries, which they are and how they apply to BPD. I plan on featuring some discussion and information about boundaries here. Here is a snippet from the Anything to Stop the Pain email list about boundaries:
I don’t think most boundaries are consciously set. I feel most of them are designed into us as a survival mechanism. Many of these function at an emotional rather than rational level of the mind.” – an ATSTP member on boundaries
Emotions are built-in mechanisms to detect and avoid threats. They are part of the “animal brain” (the limbic system) and operate at a lower level than “rational” (cortex-based) thoughts. So, if you have an emotion (fear) you might create an unconscious boundary to protect your survival (I will not go down that block after midnight). The key with highly emotional people is that their emotions are so wildly swinging, the boundaries are moving rapidly as well. My wife will do something under the influence of intense emotions (and impulsively) that she would never do when “rational”. She will violate her own boundaries because of the threat to her survival “seems” there. It may not match the facts of the situation, but she feels that it does and in that way creates a new “boundary” (or reaction to emotions that is natural, even if the cause of the emotion is not valid). I think it is important to keep that in mind. I bring it up because people here are upset that the BP can’t observe boundaries or doesn’t have “personal values” (or whatever language we use), when in fact, the other person is subject to strong emotions that make the behavior seem perfectly “reasonable” (since they contribute to his/her survival) at the time.
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