Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs

Well, well, well… I don’t know why but apparently I continue to be a subject at WTO. Weird. I posted about this a few days ago. I’ve been out of touch with the blog for a few days, while I do family stuff and take care of my email list. I really admire the people on my list; they do a great job of being both honest and validating with one another - while at the same time providing constructive advice to one another.

Boundaries… I’ve posted about boundaries many times before. I think boundaries are one of the most misunderstood concepts in the non-BP/BP relationship. While it is difficult to be a parent of anyone (much less someone with BPD) and provide no guidance to your child - I mean, it is natural to want to provide some advice and guidance to children - boundaries in the sense that many people on the Internet understand them are not effective in an emotional situation. Now, WAIT! Actually boundaries ARE effective… OK, how can I say they aren’t effective and are effective at the same time?

The major problem with boundaries is that most of the Nons out there believe that boundaries are something to “control” or “moderate” their BP’s behavior. This concept is absolutely ineffective and untrue. Boundaries created for other people (whether they have BPD or not) are not effective - especially when the other person has a general fear of judgment like those with BPD. Those types of boundaries are not really boundaries at all - they are RULES for the behavior of another person. They will not work in emotional situations.

Boundaries that DO work are those you set for yourself with respect to other people’s behavior. In other words, boundaries that guide your OWN behavior are effective ones. If you say to someone, “I will not go to a resuarant with you if you are drunk” (for example), what you are really doing is setting a boundary that limits/affects your OWN behavior given certain conditions. That type of boundary is effective because you, as a non-BP, have complete control over it. You can choose NOT to do something given a set of conditions.

I would encourage you to examine what you ”boundaries” you have in place and see if they are rules for other people’s behaviors or if they are actual personal boundaries that manage your own behavior and reactions. If they are the former, I expect you will end up being frustrated quickly. If they are the later, then you can find some peace when they are applied to a given situation. This statement isn’t meant to imply that someone with BPD will automatically accept your application of personal boundaries (to yourself). No, they might rage at you or try and convince you to do otherwise (i.e. go to the restaurant even if they are drunk), but you are the master of your own behavior and you can always be firm and say, “No.”

Bon Dobbs :: Jun.21.2008 :: Resources, Boundaries, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 11 Comments »

Interestingly, I have sold more downloaded books than print copies thus far. I have sold about twice as many of the downloaded version (at $7.50) than the print copy ($19.95). This is not something that I expected to happen.

I have been asked time and time again why I bothered to write a book. There are other books out there, including the best-selling Non-BP book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” (or SWOE). I read SWOE about 2 ½ years ago and found it lacking. The big problem with it for me was that the prescription for “taking back your life” wasn’t working in my life. The application of boundaries, for example, wasn’t effective. So, I sought out other resources that would be effective. I wrote my book “When Love is Not Enough” for four main reasons:

1. Other books on the subject (most notably SWOE) didn’t work or tell me HOW to do things. I needed the know-how. My book tries to supply the know-how to “deal with” someone with BPD. I learned a lot from SWOE, but again, I wanted to know WHAT to do and HOW to do it.
2. Obviously, the money angle comes into play. I have wanted to quit my day job for a long time now, but I need the income to support my family. I’d like to do this “Non-BP” thing full time. I feel that the Non-BP’s are missing the support resources. While I do run the ATSTP email list to help support Non-BP’s, I didn’t feel like that was enough – plus, it doesn’t pay me anything. I am hoping that I will get better sales once the book makes it to Amazon. That should happen in about a month or so.
3. I wanted to collect all of my tools and skills in one place. Often, I have to re-educate newbies (and even some old timers) on my email list. I find myself going over the same old ground again and again – explaining the disorder, instructing on the proper use of boundaries and validation, etc., etc. It’s difficult for me to step back in time and put myself in the mind-set of someone who knows little about the disorder and what to do in the face of it. I wanted to create a compendium for the attitudes and tools that are effective when dealing with BPD. One of the key tools is, of course, emotional validation. I expect to write another eBook specifically on validation, what it is and how to do it properly. I explain it at length in my book, but there are many other concepts I have to explain before I explain validation. I think a dedicated eBook in which I explain in detail the validation process would help.
4. Finally, the members of my email list asked me to write the book. They were also looking for a single resource that collected all of the knowledge about dealing with highly emotional people in one place. I hope the book will function in this way.

Bon Dobbs :: May.29.2008 :: Resources, Boundaries, Validation, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

I have created a new version of my book, which fixes some typos and clarifies some points. I also was able to drop the price! It’s now $19.95, instead of $20.95. Since it got 3 pages shorter, I will be able to make a decent profit at the lower price. That price anticipates the cost it will have to be when I get it on Amazon (shortly).

Anyway, I suggest you check out the preview, and pick up a copy (shameless self-promotion). You can see the preview or buy the printed or downloadable version of When Love is Not Enough at Lulu.com.

If you are one of my readers with BPD, I would suggest getting a copy for anyone with whom you’d like to have an on-going relationship. Why? Because this book teaches a “Non-BP” the attitudes and tools to be more effective and more validating toward someone with BPD. The purpose is to rebuild the lines of communication. Like I said in a previous post (or comment), if I can quote myself here:

The BP/Non-BP relationship seems to me to be one of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I hope that I can help each learn the language of the other. And I agree most public awareness is important - BUT it has to be the right kind of awareness - not the “stay away from these people” or “these people are evil” kind.

Enjoy!

Bon Dobbs :: May.13.2008 :: Pain, Treatment, Boundaries, DBT-FST, Resources, Impulsiveness, Suicide, Shame, Mindfulness, Validation, Lying, Manipulation, Self-Injury, Emotions, Substance Abuse, Parenting, DBT :: No Comments »

At long last (about six months of work and 2 1/2 years of research, experimentation and practice), my first book When Love is Not Enough (WLINE) has been published!

This book is a quick-start, how-to guide for Non-BPs. It spells out step-by-step WHAT to do in your relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD traits) and HOW to do it. Unlike other books on this subject (you guys probably know which ones I’m talking about), WLINE tells EXACTLY what to do. Through the use of attitudes and tools, WLINE can help you build mastery over your relationship, regain control of your life and develop a deeper understanding of your BP loved one. I highly recommend it (if I do say so myself).

Although WLINE is fairly short (about 185 pages), it is packed full insights, advice and practical skills to help you understand your BP and to reestablish the lines of communication. If you are a Non-BP, WLINE is an essential resource. If you have BPD, I would recommend that you recommend WLINE to your family members, partners and friends (that is, if they are aware of your disorder). WLINE helps to build the bridge of understanding, serenity and effective communication between Nons and BPs.

It could be the most effective $20.95 you’ve ever spent.

If you’d like to buy a printed or eBook copy of WLINE, I am selling the book through Lulu:

Buy the Book!

A note on the title… I kicked around a number of titles before settling on this one. It is my feeling that most Nons don’t understand that, in addition to love, they have to develop ATTITUDES and SKILLS to be effective in their relationship with a BP. WLINE actually innumerates these attitudes and skills and provides detailed examples of how to apply them. With a commitment to the relationship, application of the concepts in the book and PRACTICE, a Non can learn what IS enough in their relationship with a BP.

Bon Dobbs :: May.09.2008 :: Pain, Treatment, Boundaries, Shame, DBT-FST, Blame, Best of, Impulsiveness, Suicide, Resources, Mindfulness, Biology, Validation, Lying, Manipulation, DBT, Self-Injury, Anger, Substance Abuse, Parenting, Emotions, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

Self-destructive friends — what to do? (from CNN)

By Elizabeth Bougerol
    
(LifeWire) — When Theresa heard her friend was getting married, her heart sank.

 ”I told her I thought it was a mistake,” says Theresa. “So she kicked me out of her wedding party. We didn’t speak for six months.”

And the happy couple?

“Within a year, her husband left her for another man,” said Theresa, who asked that her full name not be used.

For Theresa, a medical receptionist in the Adirondacks, this was one more incident that followed a familiar pattern: Her friend picks the wrong man, and Theresa is left to pick up the pieces.

The final straw came when Theresa’s friend gave a different boyfriend power of attorney even though Theresa begged her not to.

“I just felt powerless,” says Theresa.

Such hard-to-control impulses cause behavior that is not only self-destructive but prompts frustration and anger among friends and family trying to lend a hand.

Roots of self-destructive behavior

“Nobody wants to watch someone they love hurt themselves,” says Angela Wurtzel, a psychotherapist in Santa Barbara, California, specializing in “hunger diseases” like eating disorders, self-injury and compulsive shopping.

But in almost all cases, she warns, trying to help will backfire.

What a well-intentioned friend may see as a clear-cut problem with an obvious solution — an anorexic should eat more, for example, or a compulsive shopper should cut up the credit card — is something far more complex.

“These compulsions serve a purpose as a self-soothing or coping mechanism for deep psychological pain,” Wurtzel says.

This helps to explain the individual’s resistance to change — which frustrates those who try to intervene.

“Friends feel powerless because they are,” Wurtzel says. “These compulsions have roots in issues that have taken a lifetime to develop.”

“A friend can offer support, but finding the reasons behind the behavior, and breaking down resistance? That’s a therapist’s job,” Wurtzel says.

Setting boundaries

When the friend you’re trying to help can’t let go, should you?

“I had to,” says Michael, whose attempts to help a friend spiraling out of control after her mother’s death were thwarted repeatedly.

“It started with drinking and drugs, then she quit her job, canceled her cell phone, just dropped off the map — like an animal that goes off to die,” says the IT technician living outside of Washington, DC.

Michael, who asked that his full name not be used, said he wanted to help “but in my experience, helping someone who’s not ready pushes them away — and makes you worse, because nothing you do makes a difference.”

Michael’s friend ultimately sought professional help, but they’re no longer close. Theresa has lessened contact with her friend.

“I miss our friendship,” says Theresa. “But I don’t miss the teary 3 a.m. phone calls.”

Helping for the wrong reasons

Despite good intentions, some helpers may be overly invested in fixing friends who can’t seem to fix themselves.

“I definitely attract needy people,” says Theresa. “When I was able to help (the friend), it felt good — but that became harder and harder, and she’d blame me for letting her down.”

“It’s much easier to focus on another’s problems than to acknowledge our own,” says Wurtzel, who works with patients who repeatedly seek out helper-helpee relationships. “And this can become its own compulsion, recreating a familiar dynamic that’s just as self-destructive for the helper.”

“If you’re compelled to intervene in these situations, ask yourself what you’re getting out of it,” Wurtzel says.

Finding a balance

According to Wurtzel, the key to helping a self-destructive friend lies in a delicate balance of compassion and boundaries. She offers advice for lending a hand while preserving the friendship — and your sanity:

• Set expectations, but don’t make demands. “An adult relationship is based on expectations, standards and values, with compassion for differences,” Wurtzel says. “Demanding the other do things for you and the relationship creates a power struggle.”

• Make the other feel heard. “People with self-destructive tendencies expect others to be angry with and abandon them,” says Wurtzel. “You can validate their difficulties without condoning the behavior.”

• Understand your powerlessness. “If you feel powerless in the situation, it’s because you are,” Wurtzel says. “The battle of self-destructive behavior is within the person, between them and them.”

• Resist the rescue impulse. If someone’s always swooping in to save the day, the self-destructive person has no reason take care of themselves. “Lay out your expectations for the relationship, for what you’re willing to do and what you expect them to do,” Wurtzel says. “It creates the impetus to change.”

• Set boundaries — not for the self-destructive person but for yourself. “Otherwise the relationship becomes unequal, unhelpful and destructive to both people,” Wurtzel says.

Bon Dobbs :: Feb.21.2008 :: Resources, Boundaries, Self-Injury, Validation :: No Comments »

I often peruse the web for articles and posts about dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder and what I usually find is incorrect and misguided. I recently stumbled upon a post that can be found here:

http://www.helium.com/tm/339437/individuals-suffering-borderline-personality

In which the author gives some insight and advice about “dealing with” someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. I’d like to look at her advice by excerpting some of her text and then offer a little commentary.

First of all, she says this:

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorder are very self-destructive and they have great difficulty forming any good relationships. A deep-seeded fear of abandonment is behind every wayward action and prolonged mood swing. It’s [sic] victims are mainly women who show frequent displays of inappropriate anger and who exhibit forms of self-mutilation. They also act on impulse, without regards to consequences and than [sic] hold others responsible for their actions. They are sexually permissive and may indulge in binge eating and drug abuse. Victims of this disorder may shop lift. Hell bent on harming themselves, they live with no discipline or boundary.

While this characterization is generally true, it suffers from what wikipedia calls “weasel words”. Basically, the words that are used slant the information toward being extremely judgmental. What I mean is the use of the words “great difficulty forming any good relationships,” “every wayward action and prolonged mood swing,” “show frequent displays of inappropriate anger,” and “they live with no discipline or boundary” all show us that the author is judgmental toward the sufferer. The idea of “prolonged mood swing” is incorrect as well, since the “moods” of a person with BPD generally last only hours. Also, the idea that “they are sexually permissive” MAY be true for some of the sufferers, but not for all. The idea that a “fear of abandonment is behind EVERY wayward action” is also incorrect. Much of the “actions” are motivated by pain relief and/or shame. Use of the words “no discipline” betrays the authors true feelings about people with the disorder and tells me she doesn’t understand the disorder very well (see below on “Tough Love”).

The author goes on to say:

Group therapy can resolve self-destructive behaviors. These individuals learn better from their peers because of their resistance to authority. Impulse behavior can be curtailed in this same setting.

Which is basically wrong. Group therapy does work (especially in the context of DBT), but not for the reasons that the author suggests. It is not a “resistance to authority” that drives the effectiveness of group therapy. Instead, seeing that one is not the only sufferer and having the ability to support one another normalizes the disorder. You are not just the broken, shameful person that you feel you are. Interestingly, many people with BPD will criticize others in the group and report that they are not as “crazy” as those people are.

The thing I have the most problem with is this:

Tough love may be needed from family members and loved ones before the person asks for assistance.

This statement is completely false and possibly harmful. Here is the text of a post of mine in the ATSTP group which addresses Tough Love:

Depending on the actual problem with your son(s) the idea of “tough love” might be the worst thing for him (them). While it seems to work for substance abuse, tough love can be an awful mixture for those with ERD-like issues. The problem comes down to the “invalidating environment” as Marsha Linehan puts it. Tough love will invalidate a person’s basic feelings and lead to shame and the feeling of “brokenness”. I have seen this first-hand with one of my daughter’s friends. This friend is 16 now and is a classic BPD/ERD case. She has been kicked out of several “lock down” facilities. Recently her mother sent her to a “tough love”/boot camp. It was a total disaster for the kid and for the family.

A better approach IMO, is emotional validation + a sense of personal responsibility. This combination is built through letting the person know that feelings are not wrong or right, they just ARE. The second half comes through building mastery over their behavior associated with feelings. Bad feelings just exist. This is important because often a person with such issues will use behaviors (like drug abuse or cutting or raging) to make the bad feelings go away as quickly as possible. They need to learn to tolerate the distress and behave in an effective manner. Once this new behavior/reaction to feelings is practiced, they can eventually build mastery over the behaviors. This works backward to help quell the feelings.

It seems that most parents believe that emotional validation = “giving in” (or agreeing with the child or “poor discipline” or whatever). This is NOT the case. It’s difficult for me to express this more firmly. Remember the word “emotional” is important. If you validate invalid behavior, you are enabling. It is important to separate in your mind the emotions (which are natural) from the behavior (which can be painful to all involved). If that separation can be communicated to the person with ERD, it can be worked with. It is difficult, but possible.

Unfortunately, tough love is not the answer.

Bon Dobbs :: Jan.02.2008 :: Treatment, Boundaries, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 3 Comments »

Here’s a snippet from one of my posters in ATSTP. It does a good job of explaining boundaries: 

 Forgive me, but I feel the need to restate what Bon wrote to you about boundaries.  They are not about your partner’s actions.  They are about yours.  

In essence, boundaries are what you do with YOURSELF — AFTER the line’s been crossed.  And eventually, they become what you do to put yourself in a position so the line CAN’T be crossed.  They really have nothing to do with the “perpetrator”.

If that’s confusing, think of it this way:

1.  The law says:  Don’t go over 55 mph.  (That’s a rule, not a boundary.)
2.  A speeder goes 85 mph.  (That’s breaking a rule, not breaking a boundary.)
3.  You’re a passenger in a car while the speeder is driving.  (You’re in a dangerous situation.  Boundaries still aren’t a factor.)
4.  You tell the driver they should slow down.  (That’s a plea, not a boundary.)
5.  They don’t, so you yell at them that they should.  (That’s still a plea.)
6.  You tell them if they don’t slow down, that they’ll get a ticket.  (That’s a threat of consequences, not enforcing a boundary.)
7.  Next time they ask you to ride with them, you don’t.  (THAT’S a boundary.)

See, the thing is — Boundaries can’t be enforced, because they’re not rules.  You either do them, or you don’t.  

The idea even works in the traffic parallel.  What’s a boundary on a road?  A concrete divider.  Cars CAN’T go over that.  On the other hand, yellow lines are just rules that say “Don’t drive over this.”  So they have to be enforced.

So, how can you tell a rule from a boundary?  If you have to enforce it, it’s not a boundary.

Bon Dobbs :: Nov.11.2007 :: Boundaries :: No Comments »

I think there is a lot of confusion about boundaries, which they are and how they apply to BPD. I plan on featuring some discussion and information about boundaries here. Here is a snippet from the Anything to Stop the Pain email list about boundaries:

I don’t think most boundaries are consciously set.  I feel most of them are designed into us as a survival mechanism.  Many of these function at an emotional rather than rational level of the mind.” – an ATSTP member on boundaries

Emotions are built-in mechanisms to detect and avoid threats. They are part of the “animal brain” (the limbic system) and operate at a lower level than “rational” (cortex-based) thoughts. So, if you have an emotion (fear) you might create an unconscious boundary to protect your survival (I will not go down that block after midnight). The key with highly emotional people is that their emotions are so wildly swinging, the boundaries are moving rapidly as well. My wife will do something under the influence of intense emotions (and impulsively) that she would never do when “rational”. She will violate her own boundaries because of the threat to her survival “seems” there. It may not match the facts of the situation, but she feels that it does and in that way creates a new “boundary” (or reaction to emotions that is natural, even if the cause of the emotion is not valid). I think it is important to keep that in mind. I bring it up because people here are upset that the BP can’t observe boundaries or doesn’t have “personal values” (or whatever language we use), when in fact, the other person is subject to strong emotions that make the behavior seem perfectly “reasonable” (since they contribute to his/her survival) at the time.

Bon Dobbs :: Oct.29.2007 :: Resources, Boundaries :: No Comments »

In my Google Group, I recently responded to a member about boundaries and the term “non”. In this message the word SWOE refers to the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and WTO refers to the “Welcome to Oz” Yahoo mailing group (which is the largest Non group on the Internet). As you can see by my message I am not over enthusiastic about either:

– snip

The WTO site is all about the “non” and
setting “boundaries” does this come from SWOE???

The non label does come from SWOE as far as I’ve been able to tell. It is in common usage now throuhgout the Internet and the BPD community in general. I know some in the DBT trade that are extremely upset about the use of the term non. A reponse from one of these people: “Would you call someone living with a cancer victim a ‘non’?” (as in non-cancer-patient). The belief that BPD is a medical condition (rather than, say, a purely behavioral one) is very strong in that community. Part of that is because most of the people I have met are parents of BPD daughters (all of them, no sons). I think they don’t want to feel that they have contributed in any way to their child’s condition. I can understnd this - it is painful enough to have a child with BPD, it is even more painful to think that you caused it.

At WTO we went round and round about nature vs. nuture. I think there is a combo of each involved. Most of the “non” community thinks that sexual or physical abuse is the ONLY cause of BPD. Clearly, that is not true. My wife was sexually abused, but my daughter (who shows signs of emotional regulation problems and impulsivity) has not been. As for parenting “style” - we have many times told my daughter to “cut it out” when she was acting particularly emotional - and that is invalidating. The completely weird thing is I always thought I’d treat all my children the same way, but now I know it won’t work. They are all different and all need different treatment of their emotional needs.

As for boundaries, I’m not sure why that seems to be the focus of the people that read SWOE. I hadn’t read it in a while, but I looked over the workbook and found the following:

1) It has a very validating message toward the nons, but a very “us vs. them” message to the BPs. I can understand this since the audience is the nons. We feel confused and upset and those feelings need validating as much as the BP’s feelings. Most BPs that have read the book think it is brutal toward them. Why? Because it paints them in a fairly manipulative light. I don’t think they find themselves to be manipulative. I no longer see my wife as manipulative, she just doesn’t have the self esteem or social skills to be that way. What is true is that her feelings are all about HER - so it feels like there is a selfishness in it, even when she hates herself.

A note from a borderline’s site on SWOE:

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

This is written primarily for those who care about someone with BPD rather than for BPs themselves. However, I have read it (I need to know what they’re writing about us) and can’t say I was over-impressed. I don’t think it presented BPD in a favourable light at all and it was written very much in an ‘us versus them’ style (a very provocative stance to present to a borderline!). It may provide important validation for those suffering at the hands of their BP’s confusing behaviour and help to explain where some of the ‘odd’ behaviour comes from, but I found it hard to evaluate the ’self-help’ section as I found it very patronising. I believe there is a second edition of this out now, so who knows, maybe some of these problems have been ironed out. As far as I know it’s still the only book on BPD specifically for the friends and family of BPs so you may have no choice…

2) Boundaries DO play a large part in SWOE, but I think most people mis-understand them. Boundaries are for yourself. The idea that “control” of the BP can be affected by boundaries is clearly not the case. I think that what happens with boundaries is that nons have such anger and are feeling that their partners are doing all these crazy “out of control” things, that they are very empowered by the idea of boundaries. Usually the nons are co-dependant and either allow the behavior to happen or blow up and get angry with the BP. The boundaries provide them with a new sense of control over their life - so they’re like “whohoo!” Also, the boundaries provide nons with something that they can do without having to understand the BP at all. Meaning, it says, “all of the crazy behavior is the BP’s fault, they have no boundaries, they are manipulative, they are evil, etc.” so the nons latch on to that idea without having to take any responsibility for their own invalidating behvaior and without having to “look at the problem through the BP’s eyes” (being empathetic) and without having to show unconditional love to some one who is emotionally ill (compassion).

3) There are some nuggets of good information in SWOE (such as the DEAR and PUVAS techniques), but much of that good info is ignored by the nons that read it for the above reasons.

I can certainly see why nons would feel that it has not been about their feelings for so long that they need someone to say “Take care of YOURSELF and set up boundaries to do so”. It is a simple message and seems to be the only one that is tauted in most non boards.

Unfortnately, it is a recipe for divorce, if that’s the ONLY thing you do. It sucks to be a non, but I expect it sucks even worse to be a BP. If you want to help your BP, compassion is the key, not boundaries. You can’t save them, but you can deal with them in such a way that they will not go directly to Oz.

Of course, they have responsibilties too - like working to get better (and if you follow DBT, accepting themselves the way they are), but that is a decision they have to make. You can’t make it for them.

– snip

If you want to join my Non-BP-Bashing-”Non”-Email-List, go here:

http://groups.google.com/group/ATSTPGroup.

bon :: Jun.23.2006 :: Boundaries, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »