A free eBook – 4X4 for Nons
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 The Elephant I don’t usually get personal on this blog. Today, I have decided to get a bit personal. My “emotional” daughter has been texting me – worried about her mother’s (my wife’s) behavior. We have been going back and forth, trying to figure out what we could do to be effective in this situation. Eventually, I had to apply my boundary with my wife. I had to tell her “I will not talk to you when you’re in this state”. It was tough, yet it was the elephant in the room. The thing is… and this is what you nonBPDs need to learn about boundaries (and about which I have written volumes) is that when you apply your boundaries, you have to expect rage, denial and attacks from the borderline. I have been attacked via text messages all day after I did that. I just ignored the attacks, stayed on point and went like a train on the track toward the actual issue. I got a LOT of “what about you?” attacks (see When Hope is Not Enough to know that THAT means). Ultimately though, as a nonBPD, you have to be brave and mention the elephant in the room. It’s hard, it causes ripples with the whole family, yet it’s important. I just want you all to realize that applying boundaries will (most likely) cause rage, attacks and counter-blame.
Reinforcement, especially positive reinforcement, is a powerful teaching tool. You could more accurately say “training” tool. You have probably used reinforcement in your life without even realizing it. Consider potty training. If you have ever potty-trained (or as many modern texts call it “toilet taught”) a toddler, you know how difficult that task can be. However, all kids eventually learn to use the potty – I don’t know of a case of a kid going into high school without knowing how to use the potty.
Potty training provides an excellent example of positive reinforcement and the ignoring of “backsliding.” That is the essence of this tool. When you teach a child to use the potty, you make a BIG positive deal about it when it is successful. The first time you see the poop in the potty, what happens? Typically, the parent praises the child, positively reinforcing the behavior in a way that is out-of-proportion with the accomplishment. You may say, “Yeah! You did it! That’s fantastic! Good Job!” and clap your hands and cheer. You also will tend to do it within seconds of the completed behavior. That is where positive reinforcement differs with general praise. Praise can be given much after the fact and can be bestowed for a number of reasons, including character traits. That is, you could say, “Wow, you are so smart” after your child receives a 100% grade on a math test. That is praise. (Although I’m not sure it is effective, but that is not the topic at hand). Positive reinforcement is for behaviors and should occur right when the behavior is completed. That is how animals are trained. The positive reinforcement (feeding, for example) occurs within seconds of the completed behavior so that the two can be connected in the mind of the animal. Continue reading Reinforcement and “Behaving Better” →
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Release date April 19, 2011.
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I am pleased to announce that my eBook Beyond Boundaries is now available on the Kindle (and other Kindle format devices/readers). The price has been dropped dramatically because I had to remove the graphs, pictures and change the format slightly to make the content make sense on the Kindle. Some information about Beyond Boundaries:
My new eBook needs some explaining I think… It is an attempt of mine to bring together the ideas that I presented in “When Hope is Not Enough” plus some new ideas with which I have been working. I adjusted my “model” of BPD slightly beyond that which was presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”. I also speak more to attachment, cheerleading, mentalizing and goal-directed behavior. “When Hope is Not Enough” is a book that is all about the person with BPD. It is to help them (the ESP/BPD/ERD person) feel better. My theory with that one was if they feel better, they won’t act out in order to attempt to feel better. While modeling and reinforcement are behavioral modification techniques that ARE presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”, I have found that once you have mastered what is in “When Hope is Not Enough”, you’re left with a feeling of “what about MY feelings?” because, although things are (sometimes markedly) better, calmer and easier, it still isn’t a 50/50 relationship. That can cause frustration.
I believe I have discovered how to make the relationship closer to 50/50, which was assembled in the new eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. I wanted to get something out there to help people move toward a more 50/50 situation.I believe that it is necessary to read “When Hope is Not Enough” to fully understand “Beyond Boundaries”. I think that many people who buy it might not read “When Hope is Not Enough” first, because of the title. It is amazing how nons get the impression that boundaries are the only “tool” for BPD relationships. I am also trying to debunk that.
I don’t think you can properly apply techniques that move toward a 50/50 relationship without first gaining the trust that comes through “When Hope is Not Enough” (and other books too). Even if you SAY your intent is not malicious, the other person will not believe you unless you have demonstrated benevolent intent that “When Hope is Not Enough” helps facilitate.
Beyond Boundaries is essentially a transitional book that can get you from a calm, but sort of one-way relationship (which can be developed through the skills in When Hope is Not Enough) to a more two-way relationship. It can help you on your path toward emotional skillfulness and mastery.
 Emotional Burnout Do non-BPDs have enough compassion for people with Borderline Personality Disorder? A few months ago, Dr. Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD, About.com’s BPD guide, posted a message entitled “Have Compassion” in which she said: “Many times each week I receive reader comments, forum posts, and personal emails that are incredibly hateful toward people with BPD. I do understand that many people have been hurt by individuals with BPD, and that usually these comments are written from a place of pain and anger. But, I am often shocked by the level of vitriol in these comments.” She went on to implore non-BPDs to have compassion for those suffering from BPD saying: “People with BPD deserve your compassion. I am not saying that people with BPD do not behave in ways that are hurtful, nor that they should not have to accept responsibility for these actions (and, by the way, you may not realize it, but they usually do, after the fact, and with a deep sense of shame, guilt, and remorse).”
In January, Randi Kreger, the author of “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and “The Essential Family Guide to BPD”, responded to this message on her “Stop Walking on Eggshells” blog. She responded: “Yes, Family Members Are Compassionate! In fact, family members (FM) of people with BPD are some of the most compassionate people out there. Those who know about BPD are aware their BPD FM didn’t ask for the disorder.”
I have been thinking about both of these posts for months. I have noticed that when non-BPDs “wash up on the shores of the ATSTP list” they are generally NOT compassionate. I also have found that just telling them that their borderline loved ones “deserve their compassion” does not work. There has to be a period of learning, skills application and understanding the mechanics of the disorder before they begin to develop compassion for their loved ones with BPD. So, I asked myself: why?
When reading The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil (a book about how “normal” people behave in evil ways), I stumbled onto two concepts that I believe explain why non-BPDs do not have compassion for their borderlines at the beginning. These concepts are: Emotional Burnout and Compassion Fatigue.
Emotional Burnout
Burnout (or emotional burnout) is characterized by three basic building blocks. Those are (with an explanation of each with respect to non-BPDs):
Emotional Exhaustion – the emotional intensity of the interactions with a borderline are exhausting. As I indicate in “When Hope is Not Enough” the emotional tolerance of someone with BPD is set far lower than a person without BPD. Therefore, emotional crises are much more likely to occur. I know from experience with my family members that have emotional regulation issues, I get very tired when there’s an EDM (emotionally dysregulated moment). Some of these “moments” can last a while, thirty minutes or longer, and it’s very difficult for me to have compassion when I am emotionally exhausted.
Cynicism – unfortunately, because the emotional tolerance of a person with BPD is set so low, I have found that many non-BPDs are quite cynical about the reactions of a borderline to “trivial” things. Often, non-BPDs express that their borderlines are “freaking out” over “nothing” or that the borderlines are just inherently evil (in fact, my post about “demonic possession and BPD” is one of the most popular and most commented upon on this blog). BPD is often thought to be a “character flaw” or a case of the borderline just “behaving badly”. These attitudes lead to more cynicism on the part of the non-BPDs. Additionally, the non-BPD’s compassion is often conditional. It seems to be a case of “I’ll have compassion for you when you start to behave better (or go into treatment or get out of the fantasy world you’re living in)”. This leads to more cynicism, because the borderline is not “keeping up their end of the bargain.”
Inefficacy – I have written about learned helplessness on this blog before. I feel that the non-BPDs try to control that over which they have no control. This leads to inefficacy (and learned helplessness). The idea that nothing they try has any effect on the situation.
Compassion Fatigue
Compassion Fatigue is a condition that generally health care professionals (such as nurses) or charity donors develop when they have just “seen too much pain and suffering” to extend their compassion. I think with respect to non-BPDs, it begins to develop when (through cynicism) the non-BPD begins to feel that the borderline is “crying wolf” too many times (i.e. they are getting “overly upset” about things that are “trivial” and that the intensity of the reactions are “too much” for the situation as the non-BPD sees it). Non-BPDs then begin to withdrawal their compassion. I once had a therapist tell me and my wife that we couldn’t continue to “live at the intensity level that we were living at.” I believe that because of “psychic equivalence” (when the borderline gets into “feelings = facts” mode, or that their mind actually reflects the environment, even when it is misaligned with how the non-BPD sees things), the non-BPD develops more and more cynicism about the behavior of the borderline, gets emotionally exhausted by the frequent emotional crises and gets discouraged when all that they’ve been taught to do (boundaries, tough love, behavioral contracts, talking sense to the borderline, etc.) don’t have any effect, the non-BPD develops compassion fatigue and begins to feel that the borderline is just “dramatic” or a “lost cause”. Interestingly, compassion fatigue is also referred to as secondary traumatic stress disorder, which seems to apply to the situation with non-BPDs.
So, do non-BPDs have enough compassion for borderlines? At the beginning, before they begin to behave effectively and before they adjust their attitudes about BPD, I’d have to say “no”. However, emotional burnout and compassion fatigue CAN be combated. How? I’ll cover that in a subsequent post.
Today, I updated the Beyond Boundaries eBook and created a second edition. Much of the content from the original Beyond Boundaries eBook is the same. I repaired some (hopefully all) of the typos and rewrote small portions of the eBook to make certain skills and concepts clearer. It is still 72 pages, yet the file size is 30% smaller. I guess this is due to a more efficient Adobe Acrobat.
Here is the original announcement about Beyond Boundaries:
My new eBook needs some explaining I think… It is an attempt of mine to bring together the ideas that I presented in “When Hope is Not Enough” plus some new ideas with which I have been working. I adjusted my “model” of BPD slightly beyond that which was presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”. I also speak more to attachment, cheerleading, mentalizing and goal-directed behavior. “When Hope is Not Enough” is a book that is all about the person with BPD. It is to help them (the ESP/BPD/ERD person) feel better. My theory with that one was if they feel better, they won’t act out in order to attempt to feel better. While modeling and reinforcement are behavioral modification techniques that ARE presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”, I have found that once you have mastered what is in “When Hope is Not Enough”, you’re left with a feeling of “what about MY feelings?” because, although things are (sometimes markedly) better, calmer and easier, it still isn’t a 50/50 relationship. That can cause frustration.
I believe I have discovered how to make the relationship closer to 50/50, which was assembled in the new eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. I wanted to get something out there to help people move toward a more 50/50 situation.I believe that it is necessary to read “When Hope is Not Enough” to fully understand “Beyond Boundaries”. I think that many people who buy it might not read “When Hope is Not Enough” first, because of the title. It is amazing how nons get the impression that boundaries are the only “tool” for BPD relationships. I am also trying to debunk that.
I don’t think you can properly apply techniques that move toward a 50/50 relationship without first gaining the trust that comes through “When Hope is Not Enough” (and other books too). Even if you SAY your intent is not malicious, the other person will not believe you unless you have demonstrated benevolent intent that “When Hope is Not Enough” helps facilitate.
You can purchase a copy of Beyond Boundaries by clicking on the Google Checkout image below. You will be sent a password to download the eBook once the purchase is complete:
A page from my eBook “Beyond Boundaries”….
In a word, nothing.
What I have a problem with is people using only boundaries (also known as “limits”). I have a problem with people thinking that boundaries are the end-all, be-all of relationship tools. I also have a problem with people using “boundaries” that are not really boundaries at all.
Let me explain… Many in the Non-BPD support community (loved ones of people with borderline personality disorder – BPD) seem to latch on to boundaries as the main tool for dealing with their loved one with BPD. While boundaries (if understood and used properly) can be an effective tool for you, boundaries are not the end-all, be-all tool in a Non-BPD’s toolbox. I have read hundreds of messages that advise others to “enforce their boundaries” with someone with BPD, as if boundaries will make the relationship more manageable. Actually, boundaries are not the most effective tool in dealing with someone with BPD. What are the more effective tools? I will explain those at length in this eBook.
Another problem with boundaries is that if a Non-BPD decides to use ONLY boundaries, troubles will occur. The reason behind this is that boundaries are an effective tool for YOU, but not necessarily an effective tool for the relationship. Often, when someone is using only boundaries, the person on the “receiving end” of the boundary will feel like they are being dealt with harshly, which, in some circumstances, can cause MORE rage. With BPD, the application of “tough love” is most often not effective. While tough love may be appropriate with substance abuse or other behavioral disorders, BPD is not primarily a behavioral disorder. It is primarily a disorder of the emotional regulation system (some researchers have suggested renaming the disorder to “Emotional Regulation Disorder”). It is a true mental illness with both biological and environmental causes and effects. It’s not just a person behaving badly, even though it can include severe behavioral dysfunction.
A final problem with boundaries is the misunderstanding of what boundaries are and to whom they apply. I explain this issue in the “About Boundaries” section of this eBook.
The reason I titled this eBook “Beyond Boundaries” is because the tools represented within are just that: they are tools to take your relationship to an effective level, beyond the knee-jerk idea that boundaries are the best tool for a Non-BPD/BPD relationship. Although many support groups, self-help books and even therapists provide the single tool of boundaries for your relationship, this eBook will provide you with an entire tool kit. Like any tool kit, the tools contained within are appropriate for different tasks. Your job, if you are willing to do it, is to learn the function of each tool and then practice with each tool until you have a complete mastery over it. That is the way to emotional freedom and peace in a difficult relationship.
“How to set boundaries to protect yourself and improve living with a BP?”
OK, I don’t normally do it, but today I went out to my old (circa 2005-2006) haunt – WTO (i.e. “Welcome to Oz”). WTO is the largest non-BP board on the Internet. It’s been around or at least 10 years and has over 4,000 members. Most of the members are quiet (like me). I used to post way back when and got into a number of “altercations” with people because I was presenting a different approach to people with BPD than the majority of the members. Mostly, it’s people who have just started trying to figure out what BPD is all about and are hurt and frustrated.
The quoted text above is a subject line of a recent post. I feel for the woman, I really do. Yet, that line seems to typify the very problem with BPD support groups. Firstly, there is an assumption that boundaries are the default tool for making a relationship work. They aren’t. I explain in great detail in my eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. However, the short version about boundaries is (from the Beyond Boundaries eBook):
If you do any research on BPD, you will find a plethora of advice from all types of people. There are Internet support groups, self-help books and personal stories that tell you what to do as a Non-BP. Some of this advice is good and works effectively with someone with BPD. Some of this advice is not good and is ineffective with someone with BPD. Some of this advice is misperceived by the Non and applied in a way that is not intended by the advice giver. The most misunderstood tool is boundaries.
If I had a nickel for every time someone joins my Internet list and says: “I set boundaries and try to enforce them.”
… or something like that, I’d be rich. Well, not really but I would probably have a couple of hundred dollars anyway.
Unfortunately, most people who try to create and apply boundaries to their BP relationship, do so improperly and with misunderstanding. This misunderstanding is amplified across the Internet and in publications about dealing with an emotionally sensitive person. The misunderstanding arises in two forms: one is the meaning of a boundary, and the second is to whom the boundary applies.
Many people believe that a “boundary” is equivalent to a rule and that they have to enforce their personal boundaries with a person who has BPD. This is not the case. A personal boundary is not a rule that needs to be enforced. Instead, a personal boundary is a limit that one puts on one’s own behavior. It is a choice that you make about your own behavior and a limit on the behavior you’re willing to engage in.
Boundaries have their place, but the assumption that boundaries (or limits) are the end-all, be-all (or even the default approach to BPD is IMO misguided. Other tools are much more important, effective and productive than boundaries.
Now as for “protecting oneself” I can certainly understand why one would feel that they need to protect themselves. However, I see a relationship not as a power struggle or “battle of wills” but as a cooperative sharing of feelings. Unfortunately, a borderline’s feelings are very overwhelming and, at times, seem to be the only feelings in the relationship. If someone is trying to hurt you, it’s quite possible that they’re not borderline, they’re a psychopath (in the true sense of the term). If you’d like to know more about true psychopath you can listen to this (the middle part is the presentation of Dr. James Blair about psychopathy).
You see borderline aggression is reactive in nature. It is reactive to what the borderline perceives as a threat. If the environment is a power struggle, they are going to be trigger continuously. If the environment is a cooperative sharing of feelings, the threat level will go down and you will get less aggression.
This pattern is not the same as a true psychopath.
 New "Beyond Boundaries" eBook I published a new eBook called Beyond Boundaries: the advanced guide for loved ones of people with BPD. This 72 page eBook is packed with information and tools for you to gain a more effective and calmer relationship with someone with BPD. It is the culmination of what I have done in When Hope is Not Enough as well as what I have been working on since. It explains (rather tersely) what you can do and how you can get your relationship to be more of a trusting, loving relationship. It also explains when boundaries are helpful and when they are not.
The cost of the new eBook is $18.00. I think you will find that it is worth it. People in NY will have to pay sales tax. Sorry, blame the NY State legislature.
The eBook is available through Google Checkout below:
Beyond Boundaries
Recently, Randi Kreger published her new book “The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder.” I read it and have to give thanks to Randi for providing it to me gratis. Thanks Randi!
At the same time, I have a problem with this book. While it is MUCH better than “Stop Walking on Eggshells” (SWOE), her previous book about NON-BPs, I agree with her prescription about 40%. Her sections on “Communicating to be heard” and “Reinforcing right behavior” are agreeable, the rest is NOT agreeable to me. I will soon offer a true book review of this new book; however, I believe (humbly) that my book WHINE is a MUCH better book for understanding and dealing with a person with BPD than either SWOE or “The Essential Guide…” by Randi. While I know where she is coming from, she misses an essential thing about BPD – that thing is IAAHF (“it’s all about his/her feelings”), a concept in WHINE. She still seems to think that you can make it (at first) about YOUR feelings, which, with BPD, is impossible at first. This is both my opinion and the opinions of the members of my group. I am a bit miffed that SWOE sold something like 300,00 copies and WHINE 300, because I think (as do my almost 400) group members that WHINE is a MUCH better book to understand the BPD/NON-BPD dynamic than either SWOE or “The Essential Family Guide…”
I know that Randi will see this via her Google alerts and I welcome her comments. I have no argument or disagreement with Randi. I respect her and feel she is contributing to the community the best she can. At that same time, I feel her publishing efforts fall short of what is effective in the NON-BP area.
Well, well, well… I don’t know why but apparently I continue to be a subject at WTO. Weird. I posted about this a few days ago. I’ve been out of touch with the blog for a few days, while I do family stuff and take care of my email list. I really admire the people on my list; they do a great job of being both honest and validating with one another – while at the same time providing constructive advice to one another.
Boundaries… I’ve posted about boundaries many times before. I think boundaries are one of the most misunderstood concepts in the non-BP/BP relationship. While it is difficult to be a parent of anyone (much less someone with BPD) and provide no guidance to your child – I mean, it is natural to want to provide some advice and guidance to children – boundaries in the sense that many people on the Internet understand them are not effective in an emotional situation. Now, WAIT! Actually boundaries ARE effective… OK, how can I say they aren’t effective and are effective at the same time?
The major problem with boundaries is that most of the Nons out there believe that boundaries are something to “control” or “moderate” their BP’s behavior. This concept is absolutely ineffective and untrue. Boundaries created for other people (whether they have BPD or not) are not effective – especially when the other person has a general fear of judgment like those with BPD. Those types of boundaries are not really boundaries at all – they are RULES for the behavior of another person. They will not work in emotional situations.
Boundaries that DO work are those you set for yourself with respect to other people’s behavior. In other words, boundaries that guide your OWN behavior are effective ones. If you say to someone, “I will not go to a restaurant with you if you are drunk” (for example), what you are really doing is setting a boundary that limits/affects your OWN behavior given certain conditions. That type of boundary is effective because you, as a non-BP, have complete control over it. You can choose NOT to do something given a set of conditions.
I would encourage you to examine what you ”boundaries” you have in place and see if they are rules for other people’s behaviors or if they are actual personal boundaries that manage your own behavior and reactions. If they are the former, I expect you will end up being frustrated quickly. If they are the later, then you can find some peace when they are applied to a given situation. This statement isn’t meant to imply that someone with BPD will automatically accept your application of personal boundaries (to yourself). No, they might rage at you or try and convince you to do otherwise (i.e. go to the restaurant even if they are drunk), but you are the master of your own behavior and you can always be firm and say, “No.”
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