Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs

Often in my Internet group people mention that they feel that the difference between people with BPD and Non-BPs is that they have different “value sets.” I disagree with this understanding of BPD. It’s not about values. It’s about emotions. In my opinion, emotions will trump values just about every time, especially in someone who does impulsive things under the influence of strong negative emotions. Emotions operate on a more “primal” level than do values. In WHINE, I quote Peter Steinke’s Healthy Congregations:

When stress and anxiety are high, the R (reptilian) system is exaggerated.  In other words, people become more thoughtless, more instinctive, and more automatic.  The same is true concerning the feeling brain.  Once fueled by limbic-derived feelings, we have less access to the thinking brain.  Both brains have ensured the survival of the individual and the species.  Necessary to survival, feelings have an insistent quality and are hardwired into the nervous system.  With strong arousal, the limbic brain can be driven to continue.  The reactive force can go on for hours.  Highly excited emotional states are like poison ivy - we become all itch.

The point of this quote is to illustrate that emotions operate at a lower level in the brain than do values and even thoughts. The author goes on to say:

One of the functions of the thinking brain is to exercise veto power over the instinctive forces of the two lower brains [Reptilian and Feeling brain].  It sets limits on behavior; it provides self-control.  This is one reason moral codes are stated in the negative - “Thou shalt not . . .”  Nonetheless the lower brains, more automatic and defensive than the thinking brain, have a quicker triggering effect and do not easily defer to the thinking brain.

The phrase “do not easily defer to the thinking brain” is an understatement in my opinion. If someone is overcome with emotions, especially strong, negative emotions which is the likely situation with BPD, the “lower brains” at which the emotions are operating will rarely defer to the thinking brain. Therefore, if a person with BPD acts in a way that goes against his/her values, that is probably the cause.

Bon Dobbs :: Sep.16.2008 :: WHINE Book, Emotions, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

Many times I’ve seen Non-BPs mention that couples counseling doesn’t really work for them. One member of an Internet support list I used to be a member of posted a message about his BP “snowing” the couple’s therapist. In fact, just about every message (of hundreds) was about this subject. Clearly, Non-BPs are upset about the dynamics of couple’s counseling and feel that they get “dumped on” by the BP. The Nons end of feeling blamed for everything. When this subject came up in the ATSTP group recently, I turned to a knowledgeable member about this subject. She posted the following message (which I’ve edited slightly because I wanted to remove any reference to others in the group). BTW, I don’t normally repost messages from the group here on my public blog - I only do so when the message contains as much wisdom as this one does, doesn’t contain any identifyable “marks” and is not “personal” in nature.

Well, my experience has been that marital counseling doesn’t really help
much when a BP is involved, because counselors really don’t understand the
dynamics of BPD.  While their goal is to promote better communication
between partners, they tend to focus on resolving the complaints.
Of course, BPs have LOTS of complaints (which
really are not the problem), so nons just end up feeling attacked… even by
the counselor at times.  When counselors do this, it tends to validate the
BPs feeling that their nons really are the problem.  It sometimes even
leaves the non feeling like he/she really is the problem.

I suspect you may want to continue this “counseling” approach, since it is
SOMETHING your BP has agreed to.  If so, my suggestion would be for you to
be as honest as possible with the counselor about YOUR FEELINGS.  Don’t
waste your time (and money) defending against your BPs accusations and don’t
point fingers back.  (This only makes you look bad to the counselor… like
you never let your BP talk or express himself… ha!, I know!)  Simply ASK
for advice on how to communicate better (since that is the goal of the
counselor to get you communicating with one another.)  Try the suggestion a
few times, and if it doesn’t work, then you can come back the following
session and express your disappointment and confusion about why it isn’t
working.  Eventually, after enough times of doing this, your counselor will
(hopefully) recognize that he/she cannot help you and will refer you to
someone more qualified (like a DBT specialist, if your lucky enough to have
one of those in your area.)

My only comment on this statement - which is wonderful IMO - is the idea that the complaints are “not really the problem.” If those complaints are not really the problem, what is? Well, I believe it is that the BP FEELS bad (negative emotions) and judged (so they judge back). I think if someone who DOES understand the dynamics of BPD works with a couple, the therapist can hopefully deal with the real issue: the painful emotions.

Bon Dobbs :: Sep.05.2008 :: Blame, Treatment, Emotions, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

Why boundaries and  detaching can make things worse….

I decided to write this post because I have seen many non-BPs frustrated over the fact that when they try to use the tools in certain books with their BP, the tools seem to cause more rage and emotional dysregulation. The two “tools” that I have found that cause the most problems are boundaries and detachment. I’ve already written a LOT about boundaries and where my view of boundaries diverges with some of the other “Non-BP authors.” Today, I’d like to turn to detachment.

“Stop Walking on Eggshells” recommends on page 98, that a Non-BP “detach with love” from a BP and BPD-like behavior. This concept was “borrowed” from Al-Anon as it is made clear in SWOE. I think that “detaching” (whether with or without love) works in some situations and blows up in the Non’s face in others.

What are the differences? In WHINE, I explain that the “engine” of BPD is emotional dysregulation (which is the opposite of regulation). A person with BPD will heat up more quickly and cool down more slowly than someone without the characteristic of emotional dysregulation. One study that I cite in WHINE deals with “neutral” reactions to someone who is dysregulated. The basic evolution of an (as “Tides” calls it on her blog) Emotionally Dysregulated Moment (or EDM) is trigger -> cognition -> emotion -> expression -> behavior. Emotions can spur on other emotions. Anger is IMO the most powerful of the basic emotions and it is easily triggered, especially when a person with BPD is feeling judged. Ok, now back to detachment. On page 39 of WHINE, I explain that:

One of the most interesting findings of a study in which scientists used functional magnetic resonance imagining (fMRI) to measure the emotional reaction (limbic system activation) of patients with BPD is that these people react to neutral faces in the same manner they react to angry faces. In essence, when shown a picture of a person with a neutral expression, people with BPD showed amygdala activation as if the picture was one of a person with an angry expression. These people expect judgment and anger in others towards them and react physically and mentally to neutral situations as if they are threatening. They are likely to find “meaning” that is judgmental or threatening in an event that others would see as meaningless. A member of my list compared this reactivity to neutral faces to neutral feedback on eBay. As a buyer on eBay, you don’t give neutral feedback to a seller when everything about the sale is perfect. You give [neutral] feedback when something is wrong. A person with BPD will interpret a neutral face as “something wrong.”

Emotional detachment from an EDM will trigger more emotional dysregulation within a person with BPD. Instead, an EDM is a time to engage someone with BPD and engage them on an emotional level. Otherwise, if you detach emotionally from the situation, the BP will interpret your “calmness” and detachment as judgment or criticism. Additionally, they will likely consider you untrustworthy to validate their emotional states. What I mean by this is that if they are feeling so much emotional pain that they are dysregulated what they are really trying to do (regardless of the content what they say) is to communicate that pain to you. If they’re “dying in pain” and you’re detaching and calm, they feel they can’t come to you with the problem. On page 95-96 of WHINE, I describe this situation as follows:

The purpose of someone coming to you in an emotionally dysregulated (or close to one) state is to communicate the emotions that she feels. She may have difficulty expressing these emotions and may use other means for expressing them such as blame, sobbing, cutting, raging or other behaviors that are difficult for you to deal with. The underlying point however is one of communication – she is trying to tell you something, but she doesn’t have the language for it. Therefore, if you respond to an emotional communication in either an invalidating fashion (using one of the many, many invalidating phrases above) or in a way that doesn’t match the emotional distress, the BP will feel unable to communicate. She will think “I’m going off the deep end here and you are so calm! You don’t understand anything! You’ll never understand me!”, and not trust you. The tenor of your voice is more effective if you express your emotional identification with emotion in your voice as well, but with slightly less emotion than the BP is feeling. In other words, express distress in the identification, but less emotion than if you are actually in distress yourself.

Bon Dobbs :: Aug.07.2008 :: WHINE Book, Resources, Emotions, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 2 Comments »

Apparently, someone over at Welcome to Oz (WTO) Internet list posted a message asking about me and what I am all about concerning BPD and Non-BPs. This lead to a huge spike in traffic with my average number of accesses basically doubling over the weekend. I’m still a member of WTO, so I decided to login and take a look at what people are saying about me over there. I haven’t posted in years and haven’t logged in in months.

Obviously, there are many, many new people who have no idea who I am or what I’m about. There are a few members still hanging around who do remember me. There are a couple of people who seem to have a pretty dim view of what I have to offer - although I think that those people don’t know me very well and have interacted with me only cursorily. First, today, I’d like to outline my philosophy about BPD and Non-BPs to clear up some of the mis-statements and mis-perceptions.

• I do believe that BPD is a serious mental illness and not a case of a “behavioral disorder.” In other words, BPD is not merely a case of someone just behaving badly. I further believe that much of the core issue with someone with BPD is emotional and based on poor emotional regulation skills. The reaction to strong negative emotions (and other factors, like  shame and impulsiveness) cause the “poor behavior.” I put that in quotes because the behavior has a function and the function IMO is to make the BP feel better. A person (whether they have BP or not) CAN learn to behave differently in the face of strong negative emotions. It takes practice and requires the acquisition of emotional skills. However, I also believe that the emotional under-pinnings are not going to disappear, just because the person with BPD learns to behave more effectively. Emotionally, they are just more sensitive than other people - that is the way they are. In other words, I don’t believe that I have a “cure” for BPD, which was bandied about at WTO.
• I also believe that the only person that you can change in a relationship is yourself. It is my opinion that once you change your own approach to emotional situations, the person with whom you are having the relationship will react to the change in various ways. Sometimes they will have a fit. Sometimes they will appreciate the “new you.” And sometimes a complex combination of emotions will arise. My “methods” are a combination of emotional understanding (of your own emotions and of theirs), emotional validation (which is complex in itself), positive reinforcement and “inserting your (the Non’s) feelings” into the conversation. There are some other skills and sub-skills, but that’s a quick synopsis. IMO this complex combination of skills (which also require practice) will improve the relationship and make sure that you don’t “walk on eggshells” around the other person. Boundaries can help - however, boundaries are a subject unto themselves, and I find that most people don’t know what boundaries are and how to apply them properly.
• There was some argument at WTO that my motives were suspect, because I am trying to make some money on what I have learned and practiced thus far. I think the operative word here is trying, because I don’t really make enough money to even operate this website at a break-even level. No, I’ve not made much money at all as a “professional Non-BP” (if that’s what I am). What I have been able to do is have an impact on the lives of many people. That is pretty satisfying in itself, and I will not pretend that I wouldn’t like to do it full-time. I certainly enjoy interacting with others in my situation and exchanging advice, strategies, knowledge, etc. more than my “day-job.” But it will be a long time (and probably never) before I will be able to do that. Besides, most of my support activity and knowledge-sharing I do for free - either here on in my Google Group. There’s no charge for participating in that group or to read these posts. At this point, any money I do make just contributes to the cost of operating this website.
• I don’t think that BPs have to be “let off the hook” and that they have no responsibility when it comes to a relationship. I also don’t think that you, as a Non-BP, have to forgo your feelings to live alongside a person with BPD. Both of those ideas were suggested at WTO. Neither is true. I think everyone in a relationship will have emotions, reactions, expectations, etc. Everyone is allowed to have each of these. Everyone has certain responsibilities in a relationship as well. What I DO advocate is looking at the function behind behavior and understanding the dynamic that exists. Many times I’ve seen people suggest that my methods give the BP “undo advantage” in a relationship. Huh? I thought this was a “loved one?” I don’t think that “love is a battlefield.” It’s not us-agains- them. That is just more black-and-white thinking on the part of the Non. If you’re going through a bloody divorce with someone with BPD, I can certainly understand where this might come into play, but, as I have said, my methods are about “living with and loving” someone with BPD. There is responsibility on both sides of the fence. It takes a certain environment IMO to make sure that responsibility is acknowledged - and that environment has to be one that is validating, otherwise you’re going to be caught in a shame hurricane. Nothing will get accomplished.
• Finally, I believe that effective emotional skills are helpful for anyone in any relationship. Anger, sadness, spite, resentment, blame, etc., etc. lead to a corrosive environment within any relationship. My “methods” attempt to reverse some of the corrosiveness and build stronger, healthier emotional relationships. You may not agree with my methods, which is fine. Personally, I’ve had to try everything to find anything that worked.

I guess it’s better to be talked about a little, whether it is positive or negative, than to be ignored. Thanks to a group member of mine who notified me of the discussion and who defended me (you know who you are).

Bon Dobbs :: Jun.16.2008 :: Resources, Odds and Ends, Stats, Blame, Biology, Validation, Emotions, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 1 Comment »

Today’s subject is the Myth of the High-Functioning Borderline. I have been scouring the research on BPD to find out if anyone in the research or therapeutic community uses this term or concept high-functioning versus low-functioning Borderline. I have yet to find any author in either the research community or therapeutic community reference this concept. It crops up in the support community (in “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and on both bpd411.org and bpdcentral.com). It also crops up in the “cross-over” community (see more later) but only in a sarcastic way. The idea of high vs. low-functioning BPD doesn’t seem to hold much weight in any other community than the support community.

What do I mean by referencing these “communities”? I think that there are basically three BPD/Non-BP “communities” out there: the research community, the support community and the therapeutic community.

The research community is comprised those scientists doing medical research (and psychological research) on BPD. They publish scholarly articles and research in medical and psychological journals. Some “supposed” psychological researchers publish in the less-well-known and scientifically suspect journals (see my article about “Demonic Possession and BPD” for an example of this type of researcher). For the most part, these researchers don’t try and “cure” BPD, they merely provide data to other professionals about the configuration of BPD, the biology of BPD and the “common” features of BPD. This group of people does not differentiate between high-functioning and low-functioning BPs. In fact I have found no reference to high- or low-functioning BPD at all in any of these research papers or reports.

The therapeutic community is those practitioners (mainly psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, other “therapists” and consultants) that try and “cure” or remediate BPD in patients. Some (very few) also serve the families, friends, spouses, children, etc. (the Non-BPs). Their purpose in life is to help the BP overcome or to effectively manage their disorder. In this group of people, I have found no mention of high- or low-functioning BPs. The only “partial” mention is that of Dr. Paul Mason, who co-wrote “Stop Walking on Eggshells” with Randy Kreger. Several of these people within the therapeutic community have written popular books about BPD, including “Sometimes I Act Crazy,” “Lost in the Mirror,” “The Angry Heart,” and “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.” None of these books, as far as I can tell, refer to the idea of high-functioning vs. low-functioning BPD. Of course, Dr. Marsha Linehan and Dr. John Gunderson are prominent individuals within the therapeutic community. Their theories about BPD have a distinct influence on how therapy is conducted with people with BPD.

The final community is the support community. This community is comprised of ex-BPs, Non-BPs and others who provide advice about how to “deal with” BPD or with someone with BPD. This community includes myself, the authors of “Stop Walking on Eggshells,” the author of “Tears and Healing,” A. J. Mahari, the proprietors of bpd411.org and others. Only in this community have I seen any mention of high- vs. low-functioning BPD.

Some individual and organizations actually straddle the support/therapeutic (or even the research/therapeutic) community split. These include: myself (at least I hope so), TARA, A. J. Mahari and others. Some of these are more therapeutic (or at least psycho-educational) like TARA. I try and be both psycho-educational and to offer support resources to Non-BPs; yet, in doing so, also try and dispel the many, many myths about BPD (where possible).

The problem with assigning either high-functioning or low-functioning to a person with BPD is that the very nature of the disorder debunks these categories. BPD is chiefly an emotional disorder (with impulse control issues). Emotions are ever-changing, like waves that carry the mind along for the ride. Whether someone is high-functioning or low-functioning at any given time will be subject to their current emotional state. If a BP is emotionally dysregulated they will adapt to that (usually) painful state in whatever way that they have learned will assuage the pain. Some people with BPD will cut themselves, take drugs, avoid situations or behave in other ways that might be considered harmful to themselves or those around them. If a BP is not dysregulated, he/she has no need to behave in these ways. The core point is that BPD is about emotional instability and no person with BPD will be always high- or low-functioning. A person with BPD will swing – sometimes wildly – between several polar ways of feeling and behaving.

I suspect many “high-functioning” BPs do not have BPD at all. I have read many, many posts on Internet boards in which the “BP” in question clearly does not have the disorder. Many times, if you read carefully, you will find that these “high-functioning” BPs are diagnosed by their (usually) ex-wives, just because the “xBPh” (ex-husband with BPD) raged or was selfish during their relationship. BPD is more than raging – and as a Non just because you’re “walking on eggshells,” it doesn’t mean that your “BP” has the disorder at all. In fact, recently the list owner of WTO (the Welcome to Oz Internet list) asked the women Nons on the list if there husbands (or, more appropriately, ex-husbands) exhibited the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Every “Non-BP” that responded to that request confirmed that their “BP” met the criteria for NPD.

NPD (which IMO is more likely a disorder that appears to be “high-functioning ‘BPD’”) and BPD are distinctly different disorders. There may be a slight bit of overlap – deep, deep down within the psyche of the individual (and that is shame, most likely), but the basic configuration of the disorders are quite different. People with BPD do not like themselves, for whatever reason. People with NPD adore themselves, for whatever reason. That alone separates the two disorders. While people with BPD may exhibit “deserving” behavior (that they deserve love, riches or whatever), people with NPD believe that being “special” is their birthright and want to be surrounded by important or exclusive groups of people. The thing to note with BPD is that the “deserving” behavior is counter-balanced with “undeserving” behavior – polar opposite feelings and behavior that is the hallmark of BPD. So, it seems unlikely to me that “high-functioning” (or low-functioning) BPs can actually exist.

Let’s briefly look at the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for BPD and NPD , and we can illustrate the differences. First, BPD:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called “splitting.”
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

And now NPD:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special” and unique
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Clearly, these two conditions are different. Some interpersonal aspects may seem similar (#8 in BPD and #6 and #7 in NPD); however, the emotional aspect of BPD (#6) is not present in NPD. There seems to me to be a split between self-hatred and the instability of self (in BPD), and self-importance and self-love (in NPD). I’m not sure this a gulf that can be bridged sensibly between the two disorders.

Why does it matter? Well, IMO it matters a lot, because the “prescription” that is effective for BPD is not the same prescription that works with NPD (or other variants on the Narcissistic spectrum). NPD is not a chiefly an emotional disorder, and emotional tools that are so effective with BPD will not be effective with someone with NPD. Now, you might say, “My ‘BP’ is diagnosed and he/she is always thinking about his/herself.” That may be true, yet, IMO, this type of “thinking” about oneself is really experiencing overwhelming negative emotions. It is difficult for anyone to think about anyone else when they are in deep emotional pain. As I have said in the past, I have coined (with the help of others) the term IAAHF (it’s all about his/her feelings) to help represent this state to Non-BPs.

Which brings me to my final point: self-diagnosis. It is dangerous to diagnose your loved one with BPD (or any other mental disorder). Only a trained and knowledgeable (and yes, I know, there are too few of these) professional can diagnose a person with any disorder. Assuming on your own that your loved one has BPD can be troubling for the relationship (at best) and damaging to their (and your) mental health (at worst). After reading a self-help book, such as “Stopping Walking on Eggshells” (SWOE), one has to be careful to diagnose someone else with the disorder. Even my book, “When Hope is Not Enough” (WHINE), can be used to “diagnose” your loved one with BPD, but I’d like to dissuade you from doing so. Instead, I would suggest you use the tools in my book (or, for that matter, SWOE) and see if they work. If my tools do not work, I suspect either you haven’t practiced enough (it takes time, believe me, it took me 2 years) or your loved one does not have an emotional disorder. I personally tried what I learned in SWOE for months before I realized that those “tools” were not effective in my life – which is why I bothered to write a book in the first place.

If you are tempted to introduce yourself to a support group with the statement, “I am married to a high-functioning BP…,” I’d suggest you take a step back and see if your loved one has the other signs of an emotional disorder (which BPD is and NPD is not).

Bon Dobbs :: Jun.10.2008 :: Resources, Other Disorders, Emotions, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 20 Comments »

I get so sick of the “support community” for Non-BP’s on the Internet. The terms that invent and proliferate – it’s enough to drive someone crazy. Misinformation, misinformation, misinformation. I understand that Nons are upset, angry and confused about BPD. Heck, I was upset, angry and confused too – about three years ago. I think it’s best to learn as much as you can about the disorder and to practice skills to make things easier, both for the BP and the Non-BP.

Today, I’d like to take on the idea of “hoovering.” A full definition of hoovering can be found here (BTW, that is a lousy website for BPD information IMO). You can read the definition and forget it. Hoovering doesn’t exist. As a Non, you might feel that it exists, but in reality it doesn’t exist. I know I’m bound to get angry emails or comments from angry Nons that are convinced that they have been hoovered. “It happened just last night!” I thought I had been hoovered, way back on November 2, 2005. Here’s the text of a message I posted on WTO about my wife’s “hoovering”:

FROM ANOTHER LIST MEMBER: [I have never written before because I was too ashamed to admit that I had allowed myself and my children to fall into such a bizarre and screwed up situation, nor am I sure that anyone would believe what we have actually lived through.]

MY RESPONSE:
Yes, no joke. Really none.

I have felt this way for YEARS. I have refused to open up to anyone. I was embarrassed and sick about the behaviors. It wasn’t until last month at this time - when my wife exhibited “cutting” behavior – that I realized that she’d finally gone and done something I didn’t have an inkling about why. I always understood the depression (it’s in my family in spades) - I always understood the rage (well, sort of, Nons are angry too) - But I never felt the compulsion to cut myself.

That = research. Research = finding out about the real story behind BPD. That = finding WTO. This forum is just about the only thing that keeps me sane. Knowing that I’m not alone, that’s priceless.

You are not alone. Embarrassed, sure. Hiding the secret, yes.

My wife is currently (well, if she wasn’t passed out from taking too many sleep pills) in a BP moment - she just hoovered in the most primal way - trying to push my buttons, but me not allowing them to be pushed. That = rage on her part (and I have said she isn’t a rager - she only rages when I don’t comply). Now I’m 3 rooms away (we have a fairly large house) and I can hear her snoring away as I write this. Point is - embarrassed or not - the nons all feel your pain.

God, I knew nothing about BPD back then. I was so ignorant. I actually said that finding WTO was “finding the real story behind BPD.” Stupid me. I’ve learned so much more about BPD since then and realized that WTO was poisonous toward maintaining a relationship with a BP. I just felt so validated there, because I found other people that had experienced some of the same things I felt I had experienced. I had an explanation and some (virtual) shoulders to cry on. Unfortunately, that is all they do there – bitch about there (usually) “BPxh” (who most likely doesn’t have BPD and is just an a-hole) and cry on each other shoulders. I suppose there’s room in the (virtual) world for that. Must be, considering they have 4000+ members.

Ok, back to hoovering. Why do I say it doesn’t exist? I say it doesn’t exist because a person with BPD has dysregulated emotions. When they feel kind, happy, desperate, anxious, sad, angry, etc. they actually FEEL that way. The feeling is overpowering. It is not a “designed” situation. It is not manipulation – which is exactly what hoovering implies. A person with BPD is too “in the moment” of their dysregulated emotions to plan ahead of time when to hoover. Granted, this action may be born out of a fear of abandonment. However, the feeling is real and not prearranged.

Well, then you might ask me: What does this person (with BPD) actually believe about me? Are they telling the truth when they rage at me and tell me they hate me? Are they telling the truth when they “hoover” me into sex (or something else)? My answer: they are telling the truth in both situations. The truth is what they feel at any given time. It is not about you. It is about their feelings and their inability to self-soothe. I have an acronym for this in my book: IAAHF (It’s all about his/her feelings). Once you understand that, you are moving a long way toward the path of healing.

Bon Dobbs :: Jun.04.2008 :: Emotions, Manipulation, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

I believe there are several basic motivations to lie when you have BPD. There are also two types of lies: by admission (by telling) and by omission (by not telling). Both types are a problem with someone with BPD. The motivations for telling a lie (or omitting truth) by someone with BPD are as follows:

1.    When it is more painful to admit or tell the truth.
2.    When she wants the other person to think “better” of her than she thinks of herself.
3.    To avoid the judgment of the other person or judgment of herself.
4.    When she can’t see the “truth” because of emotional reasoning brought on by the refractory period of the emotion felt. In other words, when feelings = facts.

The first three of these factors play a role in the lies of someone with BPD and they are often inter-related. If the person to whom the lie is told is likely to judge the person with BPD as “bad” or “deficient,” the expectation of disapproval triggers first rejection sensitivity and then shame, because the person with BPD actually feels deep inside that, if she admits the truth, the other person will “find out” that she is a “bad person” and reject her fully. The last motivation is “emotional reasoning.”

I bring up these motivations not to “let liars off the hook” but to point out something: a person with BPD does not live in the same “reality” as you (the Non) do. Your truth is informed by what you see, hear, experience and what you believe about those inputs. A person with BPD is most often informed by her feelings about the experiences. These feelings can be misaligned with the facts and, as Paul Ekman notes in Emotions Revealed, a person overcome with strong emotions “cannot incorporate information that does not fit, maintain or justify the emotion.” In effect the original lies can be motivated by the inability to see information that doesn’t support the feelings. When someone is emotionally dysregulated, she just can’t see the truth if it doesn’t match what she is feeling.

In effect, she is not really “lying,” but merely pointing out “facts” (or generating them) that support her overwhelming emotion about the situation. The subsequent lies, which are used to “cover up” or support the emotional reasoning, are typically done for one of the first three motivations, particularly the idea that you would think of her as less of a person (and deservedly so) if it was revealed that she lied in the first place. I think there can be some argument about whether deep-down a person with BPD really believes the original lie (or any of those generated by motivation number four) when she exits the prolonged refractory period. My suspicion is that deep down a person with BPD is more concerned with the pain and shame the revelation of the lie will cause her than with repairing, rather than repeating, the lie.

While it is useful to know the motivations behind the lies, it still doesn’t make the lies any less hurtful. Being lied to is a painful and hateful experience for the Non. It destroys trust and personal integrity and leads to suspicion and paranoia. When someone specifically lies to you (by admission) or is secretive (by omission), you end up feeling angry, saddened and disconnected from your loved one with BPD. It is a confusing, embarrassing and painful experience.

Each of the motivations can be removed by:
Number 1: Pain management, distress tolerance (when the pain can’t be removed) and self-soothing
Number 2: Self-acceptance*
Number 3: Self-acceptance and developing the ability to tolerate judgment
Number 4: Emotional modulation

* a quick note on Number 2. I have known at least 3 borderlines rather well in my life. I have also known about 3 more peripherally (and of the 6 - not including my wife - 5 are female). But the 3 that I have known well (2 women and 1 man), ALL of them used motivation #2 to generate seemingly outlandish lies. Sometimes, each of them would have to “own up” to the lies and that was a painful experience I’m sure. I know if I every have to own up to lies, it is painful for me. I can only imagine how painful it is for someone with as much shame as a borderline feels.

Bon Dobbs :: May.14.2008 :: Pain, Shame, Emotions, Lying, Borderline Personality Disorder :: 2 Comments »

I have created a new version of my book, which fixes some typos and clarifies some points. I also was able to drop the price! It’s now $19.95, instead of $20.95. Since it got 3 pages shorter, I will be able to make a decent profit at the lower price. That price anticipates the cost it will have to be when I get it on Amazon (shortly).

Anyway, I suggest you check out the preview, and pick up a copy (shameless self-promotion). You can see the preview or buy the printed or downloadable version of When Love is Not Enough at Lulu.com.

If you are one of my readers with BPD, I would suggest getting a copy for anyone with whom you’d like to have an on-going relationship. Why? Because this book teaches a “Non-BP” the attitudes and tools to be more effective and more validating toward someone with BPD. The purpose is to rebuild the lines of communication. Like I said in a previous post (or comment), if I can quote myself here:

The BP/Non-BP relationship seems to me to be one of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I hope that I can help each learn the language of the other. And I agree most public awareness is important - BUT it has to be the right kind of awareness - not the “stay away from these people” or “these people are evil” kind.

Enjoy!

Bon Dobbs :: May.13.2008 :: Pain, Treatment, Boundaries, DBT-FST, Resources, Impulsiveness, Suicide, Shame, Mindfulness, Validation, Lying, Manipulation, Self-Injury, Emotions, Substance Abuse, Parenting, DBT :: No Comments »

At long last (about six months of work and 2 1/2 years of research, experimentation and practice), my first book When Love is Not Enough (WLINE) has been published!

This book is a quick-start, how-to guide for Non-BPs. It spells out step-by-step WHAT to do in your relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD traits) and HOW to do it. Unlike other books on this subject (you guys probably know which ones I’m talking about), WLINE tells EXACTLY what to do. Through the use of attitudes and tools, WLINE can help you build mastery over your relationship, regain control of your life and develop a deeper understanding of your BP loved one. I highly recommend it (if I do say so myself).

Although WLINE is fairly short (about 185 pages), it is packed full insights, advice and practical skills to help you understand your BP and to reestablish the lines of communication. If you are a Non-BP, WLINE is an essential resource. If you have BPD, I would recommend that you recommend WLINE to your family members, partners and friends (that is, if they are aware of your disorder). WLINE helps to build the bridge of understanding, serenity and effective communication between Nons and BPs.

It could be the most effective $20.95 you’ve ever spent.

If you’d like to buy a printed or eBook copy of WLINE, I am selling the book through Lulu:

Buy the Book!

A note on the title… I kicked around a number of titles before settling on this one. It is my feeling that most Nons don’t understand that, in addition to love, they have to develop ATTITUDES and SKILLS to be effective in their relationship with a BP. WLINE actually innumerates these attitudes and skills and provides detailed examples of how to apply them. With a commitment to the relationship, application of the concepts in the book and PRACTICE, a Non can learn what IS enough in their relationship with a BP.

Bon Dobbs :: May.09.2008 :: Pain, Treatment, Boundaries, Shame, DBT-FST, Blame, Best of, Impulsiveness, Suicide, Resources, Mindfulness, Biology, Validation, Lying, Manipulation, DBT, Self-Injury, Anger, Substance Abuse, Parenting, Emotions, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

After reviewing Mrs. Treasure’s article on BPD and Demonic Possession, I decided to read at least some of her other posts at AssociatedContent.com. I wanted to find out if she had posted more on Borderline Personality Disorder and why she decided to post on the disorder in the first place. I think she must believe that her new husband’s ex-wife has the disorder, because she wrote another article called “10 Ways to Handle a Difficult Ex? Focus on Borderline Personality Disorder” which refers to the person with BPD as “she” throughout. I’m not going to agree or disagree with the content of that article.

I also found an article called “Spiritual Glasses to Understand the Difficult Child” which was described with the question: When you get frustrated with your child, what is the most effective discipline? I was intrigued and decided to read the article.

I have to say, I was surprised by the wisdom in some of her comments. I find it interesting that what she says about children can be applied directly to people with BPD. Consider the following:

If your child is a chronic liar, parents worry and panic. The spiritual glasses allow you to see a very insecure child with poor self concept or image. Are your expectations of him too high? Why does he feel worthless? Is he bullied around by friends or older siblings?

I get more searches on this blog for “lying,” “liars,” “chronic liars,” etc. than about anything else. (Actually to be honest the most searches I get are about “celebrities with BPD” or some variant of that, but lying-related searches come in a close second.) I’d like to take her words and apply them to BPD and replace the words “spiritual glasses” with “emotional glasses.” I think if you look at a chronic liar, which many people with BPD are, you will find that one motivation for lying is a poor self image, feeling worthless or insecurity. These concepts are interrelated and spring from shame. People with BPD do have a poor self-image. Even though many nons report that their loved one with BPD is selfish or narcissistic, in reality people with BPD actually hate themselves. This feeling arises from shame as well, but the shame also arises from emotional invalidation. Mrs. Treasures doesn’t really provide a prescription for dealing with a liar, other than not to label (judge) the child as a “difficult child” right away and try to understand them and set proper expectations. The same can be said of a non’s relationship with a BP. Judging their behavior as “difficult” right away or setting expectations too high can invalidate the BP’s emotional responses. This sets up an “invalidating environment” for the child’s emotions and the effects of an invalidating environment are summarized by Dr. Marsha Linehan:

[The] effect of an invalidating environment, especially when basic emotions such as fear, anger, and sadness are invalidated, is that a person in such an environment does not learn when to trust her own emotional responses as valid reflections of individual and situational events. Thus, she is unable to validate and trust herself… If communication of negative emotions is punished, as it often is in invalidating environment, then a response of shame follows experiencing the intense emotion in the first place and expressing it publicly in the second.[i]

 

If a person is unable to trust herself, she can not validate herself and a “response of shame follows” emotional experiences. That is one pathway to BPD. If you punish a child for feeling inadequate, for example, if the child is lying to you because he wants to make himself feel better about himself, then you are invalidating his emotional responses.

Mrs. Treasures also say this about temper tantrums:

For your younger children showing tantrums and hitting other siblings, the spiritual glasses permit you to see a child struggling to deal with his immature emotions. The child’s frustration is his inability to communicate his feelings and needs to his siblings.

Again, if we substitute “emotional glasses” for “spiritual glasses” and “BP” for “child,” I believe she is accurately describing the state of someone with BPD. People with BPD are emotionally immature. It’s not their fault; it’s just that they were not raised in an emotionally supportive environment. They feel that by feeling emotions intensely, they are wrong and should be punished. Again, the shame comes into play. They do have an “inability to communicate [their] feelings.” Because of the invalidating environment, the BP becomes unable to trust her own emotions and becomes frustrated and angry. THAT is what fuels rage more than anything.

OK, now what do you do to counter-act an invalidating environment (with both children and BPs)? You learn to validate their emotional responses. I have quite a few examples of validation techniques on this site and if you follow this link, you can read about validation.

[i] Linehan, Marsha, Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, pg 72

Bon Dobbs :: Mar.25.2008 :: Parenting, Emotions, Anger, Validation, Lying :: 1 Comment »