Using DBT Skills to Help the Relationship

The danger of seeing validation as an end-all, be-all is clear from
our last few messages. In DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness section
there are (at least) 3 skills that are separate and distinct. They
are used in different circumstances and can be used in combination.
They are:

1) GIVE
2) FAST
3) DEAR MAN

GIVE is used to “keep the relationship” and can be used when OTHER
people have strong feelings. The GIVE skills are:

Gentle (Be)
Interested (Act)
Validate
Easy Manner (Use an)

FAST is used to keep you self-respect. THe FAST skills are:

Fair (be)
Apologies (no)
Stick to values
Truthful (be)

Last, DEAR MAN is used to get what you want (including change in the
other person). They are:

What to do:
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce – this is the IMPORTANT part about changing behavior. You
will notice in SWOE, this Reinforce, I believe, is replaced with
Reiterate (I don’t have a copy of SWOE handy to check).

How to do it (these are left out of SWOE):
Mindfully – stay on point, you can ignore or use “broken record”
Appear Confident
Negotiate (be willing to)

So, you can see here validation is only for one thing – and it is not
change. It is for opening the communication lines – to know that you
hear and that you’re listening.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/ie_handout_9.html

Related posts:

1. A Response with DBT Skills
2. PUVAS and DBT Skills
3. WHINE and DBT Skills Compared
4. Walking on Eggshells Quiz
5. Validation Article from DBT’s perspective
6. Levels of Validation
7. Internet Searchs on BPD and Why you need WHINE
8. SET Communication Skills and BPD
9. Cheerleading as an effective relationship skill
10. An exercise in validation

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