Using DBT Skills to Help the Relationship

The danger of seeing validation as an end-all, be-all is clear from our last few messages. In DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness section there are (at least) 3 skills that are separate and distinct. They are used in different circumstances and can be used in combination.
They are:

1) GIVE
2) FAST
3) DEAR MAN

GIVE is used to “keep the relationship” and can be used when OTHER people have strong feelings. The GIVE skills are:

Gentle (Be)
Interested (Act)
Validate
Easy Manner (Use an)

FAST is used to keep you self-respect. THe FAST skills are:

Fair (be)
Apologies (no)
Stick to values
Truthful (be)

Last, DEAR MAN is used to get what you want (including change in the other person). They are:

What to do:
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce – this is the IMPORTANT part about changing behavior. You will notice in SWOE, this Reinforce, I believe, is replaced with Reiterate (I don’t have a copy of SWOE handy to check).

How to do it (these are left out of SWOE):
Mindfully – stay on point, you can ignore or use “broken record”
Appear Confident
Negotiate (be willing to)

So, you can see here validation is only for one thing – and it is not change. It is for opening the communication lines – to know that you hear and that you’re listening.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/ie_handout_9.html