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 Non-BPDs and self-image I have starting thinking about the concept of “trade” words. What that means is that we nons “trade” certain words for other words. The purpose behind this is to re-make our ways of thinking – it helps to combat black-and-white thinking, shame and fear in ourselves. One of the concepts that I expound on in “When Hope is Not Enough” is the idea that one’s own language shapes one’s thoughts. While in that section of the book, I focus on the non-bp’s thoughts and words in relation to the person with BPD, here I am interested in how a non-BP thinks about his/herself. Here are some examples of “trade” words and phrase that I have either discovered or developed: Old Word: Must Old Word: Should (from now on the old word/phrase will appear first, the trade word next – just so I don’t have to type “Old Word:” “Trade Word:” over and over again…) Can’t Have to Ought All Always Can’t stand Awful Bad Person I am a failure Anxious Depressed Angry Hurt Guilt Jealous Never is is I am certainly open to more suggestions. Here are some examples when thinking about yourself: “I must do well” = “I want (or wish) to do well”
 Where are you on the tree? In the sky:
In the branches:
On the trunk:
What I have found is that many nons come to support forums with a basket full of problems at various scales along the tree. Some are character traits, some are psychological explanations, some are wide behavior patterns, etc. The problem with this approach is that a non can’t solve (or work with the BPD to solve) all the problems at once. Secondly, large, general problems are not solvable in a support forum. One has to solve, through behavior modification (and the use of the other tools in When Hope is Not Enough) specific problems with specific outcomes. Once you are at ground level, you can actually get something worked out, because if the specific positive behavior is observed, you can reinforce that specific behavior. That is the “one small step at a time” approach to behavioral change. It is the only one that actually works. All, because of the change in Google Checkout’s commission formula – I have to raise the price of my eBooks by $1.00. The cost of the eBook for When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is now $7.00 (USD). The cost of But I Love You: a primer for understanding a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder has risen to $5.00 (USD). The upside of this change is that now that Google Checkout has implemented digital-goods delivery, you can get your eBook moments after you order it! Here are the new Google Checkout buttons for these two eBooks: When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder ($7.00 USD) But I Love You: a primer for understanding a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder ($5.00 USD) Today I completed a new “white paper” (a small eBook basically) that explains the five common mistakes made by supporters of people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It is available for download at no cost by clicking on the link below: Five-common-mistakes-by-non-bpd Enjoy and feel free to share with others. In “When Hope is Not Enough” I quote renown Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh about anger. Here is the quote:
The thing is that many people, when overcome with emotions, have a tendency to focus on the situation and causes of the anger (who set the fire) vs. the anger itself. This reason is why I try to refocus non-borderlines on the emotions, not the “offense.” People typically defend against the accusations, rather than focus on the anger. Many skills can be applied to cool the anger, but defending is not one of them. Defending just fuels the flames.  Putting out the fire of anger Instead of defending, I encourage non-borderlines to use the I-AM-MAD communication skill. It’s been a while since I elaborated on that skill, so here it is in a nutshell: I-AM-MAD 1. Identify the emotions. It’s best to do this with “feeling” words, like “look”, “see”, or “sound”, rather than “know” or “understand”. Examples: “I see that you are frustrated.” “You sound aggravated.” “You look really upset.” 2. Ask a validating question. Immediately – combine with step 1 to be most effective. This encourages them to share their feelings about whatever triggered them. Do not use “what’s wrong?” If you use “what’s wrong?” they will hear “what’s wrong with YOU?” Also, don’t assume you did anything wrong. Remember, IAAHF (It’s All About His/Her Feelings). Examples: “What happened?” (most effective because it is open-ended, requires more than yes/no answer) “Did something go wrong at work [school] today?” “Want to talk about it?” 3. Make a validating statement about their emotion. Validate the feelings expressed in step 2. This helps reinforce that it is natural and valid to feel what they are feeling in the situation. Again, remember IAAHF. Don’t defend against blaming or projecting. And don’t apologize at this point, even if you are guilty. (Apologies for things you are actually guilty of can come later… after they have returned to their emotional baseline.) Examples: “Wow, it must have made you feel awful to have done poorly on that test.” “Yes, it is frustrating when it seems that someone is taking advantage of you.” “Yeah, that’s really disappointing.” 4. Make a normalizing statement about their emotion. By relating the situation as common to all people or “normal” for them, this helps alleviate their stress about feeling judged or unaccepted. Examples: “I think anyone would feel angry if they had to do that” “I would feel the same way if that happened to me.” “I can see why you feel that way.” 5. Analyze the consequences of their behavior. By examining the consequences of both negative and positive behavior with the person, you help them to separate their emotional reaction from their behavior. The behavior may need to be changed, but the emotions are natural and should not be punished for. Examples: “When you don’t ask questions about something that confuses you, I don’t realize that you are struggling, so I can’t help you. When you do ask questions though, I can either give you the information you need to solve the problem yourself or we can work together to figure out the best solution to the problem. “When you yell at me, I feel disrespected and become upset too. However, when you speak calmly to me, I know you have respect for me, so I am able to listen to you better.” “When you refuse to talk to me, I don’t know what else to do except give you space. When something is bothering you, it’s best to be open and honest with me so I know what’s going on and don’t make the wrong assumptions about what you need. 6. Don’t solve the problem for them. Solving one’s own problems helps to build self-confidence. Empower the person by getting them to come up with a solution themselves. When given the opportunity in a non-judgmental setting, most people will find that they can come up with solutions to their problems. You can guide them through this process by asking helpful questions to ascertain what they need or want. Examples: “How would you like to handle this?” “What would help you make a better choice next time?” “Is there anything I can do to help?” (Note: Sometimes you have to go back and forth to help them find the most effective solution. They may say, “I don’t know” or “I don’t care.” This can be tough. Go back to step one to deal with any additional emotions that become apparent.)  What is your goal? Those that are chiefly concerned with stopping the emotional abuse doled out by the person with BPD. This category is the largest of the three. Most books written about being a loved one of someone with BPD fall into this category. These books include: “Tears and Healing”, “Stop Walking on Eggshells”, “The Essential Family Guide”, “The Siren’s Song”, “Loving and Loathing”, “One Way Ticket to Kansas” and others. Typically these are written by ex-spouses as guides to getting out of emotionally abusive situations and protecting oneself from emotional abuse. Most of these have an emphasis on boundaries or limits, tough love and abusive dynamics (such as the victim-rescuer-perpetrator triangle or Stockholm Syndrome). If your goal is to stop the abuse directed at you from your loved one with BPD, I believe reading these books can help you do that; however, I don’t think you should expect to keep the relationship and, if you do keep the relationship, I wouldn’t expect that it would grow to be a close, loving relationship. The tools and techniques in these books will not help you build such a relationship with someone with BPD. Those that are written by people who have recovered from BPD and wish to promote a better understanding of the disorder. These books include those by Rachel Reiland, A.J. Mahari, Tami Green and others. I find these books to be helpful for the intended purpose. It certainly helps a loved one understand what it feels like to have the disorder. However, I also find that many of these books are short on what a loved one can do to build a loving relationship with a person with BPD. These books are inspirational for people who want to recover from BPD, but I don’t feel they provide the complete picture when it comes to the loved ones. Those that promote an effective, skillful path to building a loving relationship with someone with BPD. As far as I can tell, I am the only “lay person” in this category. There are some professional books, such as “New Hope for BPD,” which attempt to achieve this goal, but no other first-hand experience books that I have found other than my two books, “When Hope is Not Enough” and “But I Love You”. If your goal is staying with your loved one with BPD and building a loving, compassionate relationship, I think I am your only choice. I implore you to consider your goals and choose your path accordingly. A quiz to find out if you’re “walking on eggshells” around your partner: If you find that you are, and think that your partner has Borderline Personality Disorder traits. I suggest you check out the resources that I provide on this site – that is, if you want to stay with your partner and want to learn how to make things easier and better. “Stop Walking on Eggshells” is a great title for a book; however, the book itself will not teach you the skills necessary to stay in the relationship effectively. I have found that the skills in that book (commonly known as SWOE) actually breed resentment and further division in a partner relationship. I know because I tried those skills, and they made things much worse.  When Hope is Not Enough Get the Non-BP book that has helped hundreds!  Path to Effectiveness Over the past two days on the ATSTP Google Group, I have been happy to see some success exhibited. Many people on the Internet and on Internet email supports lists for Non-BPs will tell you that there is no hope of having a relationship with someone with BPD. Often I have seen that the only “advice” given to Nons is: RUN AWAY! Even on the “staying” sites and sub-sites, many people think that it will never get better EVER – which to me is a form of black-and-white thinking that Nons engage in. While hope may not be enough, the BP/Non-BP partner relationship is not without hope at all. This week I received two messages from the ATSTP Google Group that gave me some hope. One was from a long-time member of the group (he’s been a member for about 2 years) and it goes like this:
It’s wonderful to hear that someone has truly benefited from the sharing, caring and skills teaching that go on at ATSTP. One success story (out of so many failures on other boards) really warms my heart. Now as for the other message that I received – this one is from a “newbie” to the list. She joined on May 8th and has read my book “When Hope is Not Enough”. She just started applying the skills with her husband. Here’s her message:
So, here we have on person that is near the end of the path toward effectiveness and one that is at the very beginning. I’m just gratified that the methods that are provided in “When Hope is Not Enough,” on this blog and, most importantly, in the ATSTP Group are actually helping people get a handle on their relationship with their loved one with BPD. Today, I published a new book called “But I Love You: A Primer for Understanding a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder.” This book is a even quicker quick-start guide to BPD and being a Non-BP than my other book “When Hope is Not Enough.” “When Hope is Not Enough” is 185 pages and packed with examples, conversations and frequently asked questions about BPD. “But I Love You” is only 50 pages and represents a distilling and reorganization of the material presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”. Basically, what happened was that one of my list members (of the ATSTP Google list) found that my first book was frustrating her. She has an adult daughter with BPD and found that she and her husband found the way in which I present a model of BPD in “When Hope…” was frustrating. The reason is that they wanted to know immediately about the behavior associated with BPD (such as lying, manipulation, running away, burning bridges, etc.) FIRST, rather than how I present it in “When Hope…” – where I present those symptoms LAST. I do that because I try and re-frame the Non’s understanding of BPD in “When Hope…” This approach just wasn’t working for the member of my list. She decided to reorganize and summarize my work in “When Hope…” and did so without my prompting. She did so to help herself and her husband understand their adult daughter’s behaviors. So, she sent me a copy of her work and I edited it for accuracy, reformatted it and added some additional material that I didn’t put into “When Hope…” The book is such a slim one (like I said 50 pages), that I don’t plan on selling it through Amazon or any other such retailer. Instead you can get either an electronic copy (for $4.00) or a printed copy ($9.95) from Lulu, which is who I use to self-publish my material. Soon, I will set up a google checkout for an electronic copy of this book, like I have with “When Hope is Not Enough” but first things first. If you haven’t read “When Hope is Not Enough” and want a primer/orientation to how you can make your life calmer and easier with someone with BPD. You can try “But I Love You: a Primer for understanding a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder” – and yes, it probably has a few typos, sorry. And yes, I’m sharing profits with the member.  But I Love You |
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