-
Emotional Validation with Honesty
A few months ago I posted a piece on the validating statement and earlier today I posted on the I-AM-MAD communication tool. While both recommend validation (actually one is a sub-set of the other), sometimes if you are new to validation the statements and questions that I recommend can seem (as Wandering Coyote put it in her comment) “so trite, so patronizing.” It can seem that way (or rote) if you don’t validate with honesty. If you’re “reading from a script” the validation will seem empty to the other person. The key thing IMO is that you really try and empathize with the other person’s feelings and not judge those…
-
I-AM-MAD communication skill
Last week I wrote an email to someone explaining the value of validation and the stance one “should” adopt when using validation. Emotional validation is valuable when someone is experiencing an “emotionally dysregulated moment” (which in the ATSTP group we call “EDM”). These moments are common when someone has BPD or ERD. Anyway, I posted an anonymous version of my message to the group and one of my group members (thanks Tides!) edited it into what she called the “I-AM-MAD” communication tool. I will post the content of the tool below and upload the PDF…. Oh, quickly… The formatting came out a little wonky. And “IAAHF” means “it’s all about…
-
Couple’s Counseling and BPD
Many times I’ve seen Non-BPs mention that couples counseling doesn’t really work for them. One member of an Internet support list I used to be a member of posted a message about his BP “snowing” the couple’s therapist. In fact, just about every message (of hundreds) was about this subject. Clearly, Non-BPs are upset about the dynamics of couple’s counseling and feel that they get “dumped on” by the BP. The Nons end of feeling blamed for everything. When this subject came up in the ATSTP group recently, I turned to a knowledgeable member about this subject. She posted the following message (which I’ve edited slightly because I wanted to…
-
A Critical Analysis of the “3-C’s” of Being a Non-BP
Often I see in the support groups on the Internet (especially the “Welcome to Oz” or WTO groups), people providing the “3 C’s” of understanding your role as a Non-BP. I’ve seen it quoted on BPD support websites too. These “3 C’s” go as follows: I didn’t cause it I can’t control it I can’t cure it While these statements are generally true, I’d like to take some time to analyze these statements and add a fourth “C.” I’d also like to tell you what you CAN do – rather than what you didn’t or can’t do. These statements help take the onus off the Non-BP for any responsibility for…
-
My best review of When Hope is Not Enough
In Oct 2007, I was at my wits end and ready to walk away from my raging husband after 4 months of marriage. He had been in therapy for over a year, yet still raging almost daily, beating himself half to death, lying to me about the most ridiculous stuff and destroying our home. All this chaos was causing my 2 teenagers to alienate me out of fear of him. As a Project Manager, I had participated in many classes and seminars on effective communication in the workplace through my job, but it seemed that nothing I tried worked with my husband… most of the time, it only seemed to…
-
When Tools Become Triggers
Why boundaries and detaching can make things worse…. I decided to write this post because I have seen many non-BPs frustrated over the fact that when they try to use the tools in certain books with their BP, the tools seem to cause more rage and emotional dysregulation. The two “tools” that I have found that cause the most problems are boundaries and detachment. I’ve already written a LOT about boundaries and where my view of boundaries diverges with some of the other “Non-BP authors.” Today, I’d like to turn to detachment. “Stop Walking on Eggshells” recommends on page 98, that a Non-BP “detach with love” from a BP and…