But there is hope – and while there is hope, anything is possible
Therapy Isn’t Easy, And Sometimes You Have To Get Worse Before You Get Better
24/01/2019 15:34 GMT
This week I attended my second week of DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy and it was hard). The first week was hard, so I was expecting to feel safer this week, knowing the format, the room, the people and I thought I would be able to be more prepared and dive right in when it started . I was proud of myself for not following through on the excuses I had been planning all week. I had also thought about arranging someone to take me at the last minute in case I bottled it but it was fine. I just went.
The friend I had made the week before wasn’t there and immediately I was on edge (#attachmentissues). I was instantly on edge as she didn’t arrive, we were then in a different room, and there were two new members, as well as two who hadn’t come back. Why hadn’t they come back? I knew I shouldn’t have. Maybe this isn’t for me.
So the group began and for whatever reason I couldn’t speak the whole time, instead I cried. I cried for almost the whole two hours 15 minutes, however much I tried to snuffle and hide it, but it was noticed. I had to leave to cry in the bathroom and then that awkward moment if coming back in with bright red puffy eyes, and knowing that if I spoke a thousand tears would come rushing out. So I nodded a lot and tried to avoid speaking.
You see my coping strategy is to write about how I feel, express it that way. In any situation which could be deemed as awkward, confrontational, even constructive criticism I cry. I have for many ears, that is all part of being EUPD ( emotionally unstable personality disorder), or BPD (borderline personality disorder) as its also known. We are over emotional. The emotion comes from the feeling of a lack of nonacceptance, feeling judges or not good enough. Often this is the story I create in my own mind, its not something that the person speaking to me intends or even means, it’s my interpretation.