Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs

Often I see in the support groups on the Internet (especially the “Welcome to Oz” or WTO groups), people providing the “3 C’s” of understanding your role as a Non-BP. I’ve seen it quoted on BPD support websites too. These “3 C’s” go as follows:

• I didn’t cause it
• I can’t control it
• I can’t cure it

While these statements are generally true, I’d like to take some time to analyze these statements and add a fourth “C.” I’d also like to tell you what you CAN do – rather than what you didn’t or can’t do.

These statements help take the onus off the Non-BP for any responsibility for their loved one’s disorder. I can understand that. In part, they are about blame or, better, non-blame. I’ve seen many people say “when I came to terms with those ‘3 C’s’ I was free from FOG!” (which is fear, obligation and guilt, for those of you who don’t know). I want to write something about FOG specifically, but haven’t had the time.

OK, now let’s look at each of these statements and see how they fit into my way of thinking about being a Non-BP.

I didn’t cause it

Actually, this statement is liberating, especially for parents of BPs. I think that many parents carry around a lot of guilt that they DID cause their child’s disorder. Even psychologist and therapists often blame the disorder on the parents. However, there are growing studies that suggest that there are many biological causes for BPD. In the case of Marsha Linehan, she provides a “biosocial” model, in which each element (biological and social) are required to cause BPD. The environmental part of that analysis is the “invalidating environment.” So, while you (either as a parent or spouse) didn’t cause the disorder, you may have inadvertently contributed to the disorder’s severity. By reacting to a BP in an emotionally invalidating manner, the disorder can get worse. That is why I spend over 30 pages in WHINE discussing emotional validation as a tool for healing. Of course, a parent might say “Well, I have other children. I’ve treated them the exact same way. Why don’t they all have BPD?” Which again is where the biological element enters. My suggestion for parents is to read the article referenced below.

I can’t control it

Why would you want to? No one can completely control another individual. Even parents can’t completely control the actions and behaviors of their own children. No, the only behavior (which is BTW what Non-BPs are so confused and angry about) you can control is your own. That is why I have made several statements clarifying boundaries. Boundaries can’t be used to control other people’s behavior. If you try and imposed rules on another person’s behavior, you get resentment, rebellion and (in the case of BPD) a statement: “You’re trying to control me!” How many times have you heard THAT in your interactions with a BP? I’ve heard it a bunch.

I can’t cure it

Again, this statement is true. Only the BP him/herself can “cure” the disorder (usually with the help of a qualified and knowledgeable professional). It is important that you re-read that statement – you cannot make your loved one “all better.” You can’t save him or her – especially from his or herself. What CAN you do then? You can contribute to an easing of the conditions under which the BPD behavior is severe. You can re-frame your relationship with the BP in such a way that the emotional invalidation that they have learned to expect is gone. You can encourage effective behavior and practice effective behavior yourself. How? I explain this in detail in WHINE – which is why I called it a “how-to” book.

Now, I think I need to contribute a fourth “C” to the mix. I didn’t make this “C” up. In fact I found it here, on A. J. Mahri’s “BPD from the inside out” page about a mother speaking out about the illness. Please read that page! It really helps define the feelings and confusion of a mother who needed to know she “didn’t cause it.” She offers a fourth “C” which is:

All I can do is cope with it.

Bon Dobbs :: Aug.27.2008 :: Blame, WHINE Book, Biology, Parenting, Validation, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

I have created a new version of my book, which fixes some typos and clarifies some points. I also was able to drop the price! It’s now $19.95, instead of $20.95. Since it got 3 pages shorter, I will be able to make a decent profit at the lower price. That price anticipates the cost it will have to be when I get it on Amazon (shortly).

Anyway, I suggest you check out the preview, and pick up a copy (shameless self-promotion). You can see the preview or buy the printed or downloadable version of When Love is Not Enough at Lulu.com.

If you are one of my readers with BPD, I would suggest getting a copy for anyone with whom you’d like to have an on-going relationship. Why? Because this book teaches a “Non-BP” the attitudes and tools to be more effective and more validating toward someone with BPD. The purpose is to rebuild the lines of communication. Like I said in a previous post (or comment), if I can quote myself here:

The BP/Non-BP relationship seems to me to be one of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I hope that I can help each learn the language of the other. And I agree most public awareness is important - BUT it has to be the right kind of awareness - not the “stay away from these people” or “these people are evil” kind.

Enjoy!

Bon Dobbs :: May.13.2008 :: Pain, Treatment, Boundaries, DBT-FST, Resources, Impulsiveness, Suicide, Shame, Mindfulness, Validation, Lying, Manipulation, Self-Injury, Emotions, Substance Abuse, Parenting, DBT :: No Comments »

At long last (about six months of work and 2 1/2 years of research, experimentation and practice), my first book When Love is Not Enough (WLINE) has been published!

This book is a quick-start, how-to guide for Non-BPs. It spells out step-by-step WHAT to do in your relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD traits) and HOW to do it. Unlike other books on this subject (you guys probably know which ones I’m talking about), WLINE tells EXACTLY what to do. Through the use of attitudes and tools, WLINE can help you build mastery over your relationship, regain control of your life and develop a deeper understanding of your BP loved one. I highly recommend it (if I do say so myself).

Although WLINE is fairly short (about 185 pages), it is packed full insights, advice and practical skills to help you understand your BP and to reestablish the lines of communication. If you are a Non-BP, WLINE is an essential resource. If you have BPD, I would recommend that you recommend WLINE to your family members, partners and friends (that is, if they are aware of your disorder). WLINE helps to build the bridge of understanding, serenity and effective communication between Nons and BPs.

It could be the most effective $20.95 you’ve ever spent.

If you’d like to buy a printed or eBook copy of WLINE, I am selling the book through Lulu:

Buy the Book!

A note on the title… I kicked around a number of titles before settling on this one. It is my feeling that most Nons don’t understand that, in addition to love, they have to develop ATTITUDES and SKILLS to be effective in their relationship with a BP. WLINE actually innumerates these attitudes and skills and provides detailed examples of how to apply them. With a commitment to the relationship, application of the concepts in the book and PRACTICE, a Non can learn what IS enough in their relationship with a BP.

Bon Dobbs :: May.09.2008 :: Pain, Treatment, Boundaries, Shame, DBT-FST, Blame, Best of, Impulsiveness, Suicide, Resources, Mindfulness, Biology, Validation, Lying, Manipulation, DBT, Self-Injury, Anger, Substance Abuse, Parenting, Emotions, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

After reviewing Mrs. Treasure’s article on BPD and Demonic Possession, I decided to read at least some of her other posts at AssociatedContent.com. I wanted to find out if she had posted more on Borderline Personality Disorder and why she decided to post on the disorder in the first place. I think she must believe that her new husband’s ex-wife has the disorder, because she wrote another article called “10 Ways to Handle a Difficult Ex? Focus on Borderline Personality Disorder” which refers to the person with BPD as “she” throughout. I’m not going to agree or disagree with the content of that article.

I also found an article called “Spiritual Glasses to Understand the Difficult Child” which was described with the question: When you get frustrated with your child, what is the most effective discipline? I was intrigued and decided to read the article.

I have to say, I was surprised by the wisdom in some of her comments. I find it interesting that what she says about children can be applied directly to people with BPD. Consider the following:

If your child is a chronic liar, parents worry and panic. The spiritual glasses allow you to see a very insecure child with poor self concept or image. Are your expectations of him too high? Why does he feel worthless? Is he bullied around by friends or older siblings?

I get more searches on this blog for “lying,” “liars,” “chronic liars,” etc. than about anything else. (Actually to be honest the most searches I get are about “celebrities with BPD” or some variant of that, but lying-related searches come in a close second.) I’d like to take her words and apply them to BPD and replace the words “spiritual glasses” with “emotional glasses.” I think if you look at a chronic liar, which many people with BPD are, you will find that one motivation for lying is a poor self image, feeling worthless or insecurity. These concepts are interrelated and spring from shame. People with BPD do have a poor self-image. Even though many nons report that their loved one with BPD is selfish or narcissistic, in reality people with BPD actually hate themselves. This feeling arises from shame as well, but the shame also arises from emotional invalidation. Mrs. Treasures doesn’t really provide a prescription for dealing with a liar, other than not to label (judge) the child as a “difficult child” right away and try to understand them and set proper expectations. The same can be said of a non’s relationship with a BP. Judging their behavior as “difficult” right away or setting expectations too high can invalidate the BP’s emotional responses. This sets up an “invalidating environment” for the child’s emotions and the effects of an invalidating environment are summarized by Dr. Marsha Linehan:

[The] effect of an invalidating environment, especially when basic emotions such as fear, anger, and sadness are invalidated, is that a person in such an environment does not learn when to trust her own emotional responses as valid reflections of individual and situational events. Thus, she is unable to validate and trust herself… If communication of negative emotions is punished, as it often is in invalidating environment, then a response of shame follows experiencing the intense emotion in the first place and expressing it publicly in the second.[i]

 

If a person is unable to trust herself, she can not validate herself and a “response of shame follows” emotional experiences. That is one pathway to BPD. If you punish a child for feeling inadequate, for example, if the child is lying to you because he wants to make himself feel better about himself, then you are invalidating his emotional responses.

Mrs. Treasures also say this about temper tantrums:

For your younger children showing tantrums and hitting other siblings, the spiritual glasses permit you to see a child struggling to deal with his immature emotions. The child’s frustration is his inability to communicate his feelings and needs to his siblings.

Again, if we substitute “emotional glasses” for “spiritual glasses” and “BP” for “child,” I believe she is accurately describing the state of someone with BPD. People with BPD are emotionally immature. It’s not their fault; it’s just that they were not raised in an emotionally supportive environment. They feel that by feeling emotions intensely, they are wrong and should be punished. Again, the shame comes into play. They do have an “inability to communicate [their] feelings.” Because of the invalidating environment, the BP becomes unable to trust her own emotions and becomes frustrated and angry. THAT is what fuels rage more than anything.

OK, now what do you do to counter-act an invalidating environment (with both children and BPs)? You learn to validate their emotional responses. I have quite a few examples of validation techniques on this site and if you follow this link, you can read about validation.

[i] Linehan, Marsha, Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, pg 72

Bon Dobbs :: Mar.25.2008 :: Parenting, Emotions, Anger, Validation, Lying :: 1 Comment »

I wanted to start re-posting on my blog and the subject of the day is parenting style. I have noticed that there seems to be a conflict between the parenting styles of a person with BPD and that of a non’s spouse. It seems that (maybe because of the invalidation that the BP has experienced) the BP is likely to be harsher with punishments and more likely to invalidate a child’s feelings. I don’t know if this is because the BP sees the emotional volatility reflected in a child’s behavior and is guilty about it or because they never learned to deal with a child’s emotional swings in a way that is validating.

My wife can be very validating and understand at times (even more than me); however, she also takes the “life is hard” and “get over it/suck it up” route with our children at times. I don’t know if you other nons have experienced the same thing, but I see a lot of that in my Google Email Group. If you’d like to discuss this further, you can leave a comment here or, better, request to join the Anything to Stop the Pain Google Email Group by going here:

http://groups.google.com/group/ATSTPGroup

bon :: Feb.17.2007 :: Parenting, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

A Daughter with BPD who Lies

This was my response on WTO to a woman who was very angry with her daughter for lying to her and for having friends over to her (the mother’s) house all night when the mother specifically prohibited it. The mother felt very manipulated and angry - she felt the daughter was disobeying her to hurt her. FYI, the daughter is 23 and was diagnosed with BPD when she was about 16.

Hi. Yes, I thought that your daughter was in a situation like that - around 21-25, diagnosed with BPD and once in a residential facility. The reason I asked those specific questions is that I have seen other young women in the exact situation as your daughter and acting exactly the same way. I could further speculate that your daughter has trouble keeping a job (even a very menial one), has difficulty getting up in the morning, smokes (or once did) or does (or did) rely on drugs or alcohol, etc. - typical BP behavior for young women her age.

I think I can help explain the motivation behind her actions. After you read this you can choose to believe me or not, but these comments are based on my experience with several BPs from a support group (a physical one) that I attended. I met many parents of BP daughters and spoke with them about their daughters behaviors and, after several weeks, their feelings. It took some time to see through the behaviors to the feelings. What I am giving you here is sort of a “short cut” to the underlying feelings of your BP daughter. It may be hard to believe at first, but I would encourage you to consider it carefully.

First of all, it totally stinks to have your daughter not heed your requests. It’s got to be extrememly frustrating to have a daughter who seems to sepcifically disobey you and lie to you on a daily basis. It also must be infuriating to see her “buffalo” the doctors that she goes to see.

However, I think I can explain all of that. I have found that BPs pretty much all feel the same way inside. So, I am going to speculate that the reason that your daughter lies to you and disobeys you to have her friends over is twofold (but inter-related):

1) She is too ashamed of herself to say “no” to her friends. She doesn’t want them to know that she’s “crazy”. She feels that the consequences with her friends to say “no” to them are greater than the consequences she will incur by lying to you. Meaning, her lying is not specifically to hurt you (although it DOES hurt you a lot, as I can see); instead, her lying is about her feelings of shame and her inability to say “no” to her friends because of it. It is VERY common for BPs to overcommit themselves to other people because they are desperately seeking approval from their peers. They feel that to be a good friend (and, for them, a good person), they have to give everything to their friends (at first). When this doesn’t make them feel any better inside, they withdrawl suddenly from friendships in anger - they split the friends black. But ultimately this behavior of valuation and devaluation is rooted in their inner shame about who they are. Why do they feel that way? Well, that could lead to a much longer discussion, but let’s just say that they ALL DO.

2) At 23, she is desperate to be “normal” and not be “crazy”. The stint in the in patient facility and the diagnosis of BPD has put a big red “C” (for crazy) across her chest. She’s terribly afraid that her friends will see that she is crazy and will run away from her (fear of abandonment). This fear is also rooted in shame. She is ashamed that she is not just a normal young woman like all of her peers. She’s 23, so she thinks “isn’t it ‘normal’ to be able to have friends over to your house all night?” The problem is she doesn’t know how it actually feels to be normal. And that she is not normal enough to have her own place yet (that probably also deeply embarrasses her). She has always (I suspect from when she was a little girl) felt uneasy about her feelings - she has always felt weird and broken inside. She is ashamed of that feeling, because it is not normal. She probably constantly worries about not being normal, about being broken. And then she worries about worrying too much and on and on. They (the BPs) all feel this way too. So she is fighting not really against you specifically, but against her own feelings of being not normal, of being crazy.

Anyway, I understand why you would feel that her actions are specifically designed to hurt you. She “buffalos” the doctors for the same reason. She is ashamed to admit to herself that she’s “crazy” in any way - although deep down she’s always known that she is “different” or “weird inside”. I have verfied these feelings with many different borderline teens, young adults and adults (including my wife and my “pre-BPD” daughter). I used to think that there was malice involved in their actions, but now I believe their actions are sad attempts to try and fill that deep sense of emptiness that they have inside them. They really don’t consider how their actions effect you at all. It takes time and learning before they can see that.

OK, I don’t know if I’m right on the money as far as the daughter is concerned. But feel free to comment if you think I am or am not.

bon :: Jul.07.2006 :: Parenting, Lying, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

This is a link to site positing that adopted children are often mis-diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Sometimes, BPD is characterized by an “”inability to connect”" with parents. In the case of adopted persons, the initial invalidation of being “”rejected”" by one’s birth parents can be a life-long struggle. I have found that in Family Support groups close to 40% of the children diagnosed with BPD were adopted. However, there is another theory that has been overlooked by this author. That is that the birth parents of these children may have exposed them to biological impulsivity. If the mothers of the adopted children are impulsive - having sex and getting pregnant when it is not possible to keep a child - is it likely that the impulsivity has been passed down to the child? Meaning, the parents (who may have BPD tendencies, since they are often young and impulsive and engaging in unsafe behaviors themselves) may biologically pre-dispose those children to emotional dysregulation and BPD. It is impossible to know whether these children would develop BPD if they had stayed with their birth parents, but, going back to the biosocial model, they may have biological factors from their parents that are furthered by the initial rejection. This is just a theory and not based on scientific evidence at all. I would agree that, given my experience with families of diagnosed borderlines, a large portion of the children are adopted. Certainly, more study is needed. I would just suggest that perhaps the unsafe and impulsive behaviors of their birth parents might also play a role in their development of emotional dysregulation. It is not necessarily all the “”inability to connect”" with the adopted parents.http://borderlinebyproxy.blogspot.com/2006/04/bpd-adopted-important.html

bon :: Apr.08.2006 :: Parenting, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

One of the big problems I have seen in meeting people with BPD children is that often the mental health professionals believe that the ONLY cause of BPD is childhood abuse. While 75% of adult female borderlines report childhood abuse (and many sexual abuse), what if those are the only ones that seek treatment? And what of the other 25%? In other words, parents of borderlines - who are confused, angry and scared about the welfare of their children – are often the ones blamed for the disorder by mental health professionals. A good corollary is the reactions of health care workers when someone appears at the hospital with a self-inflicted wound. I have heard reports that the patients are “looked down on” and their treatment is delayed so that “real” cases can be attended to. Rather than dealing with the pain and injury whatever the cause, the self-injured are treated as “head cases” rather than given the care and attention they deserve. The same is true with suicidal people. A person I know was yelled at by the doctors and their family members when the suicide attempt was “over.” Why would one think that a suicide attempt is not serious or, worse, can be dealt with by discipline? Not all suicide attempts are a “cry for help” or a means of getting attention. Sometimes suicide seems like the only way to squelch the pain. The parents of these children (particularly ones that exhibit SIB) are generally confused and saddened. They don’t need the mental health professionals to examine the family situation to find signs of childhood abuse and neglect or to (worse) send in poorly-trained and overworked department of family services workers. Treat the actual disease, not the supposed “root” cause. That doesn’t help the borderline at all.

bon :: Mar.23.2006 :: Treatment, Parenting, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

I’d like to talk about “The Borderline Child”. Most professionals would say that the Borderline Child does not exist. I recently spoke with a woman I know who has a daughter who has given her a great deal of trouble. The girl, who is only 14, cuts herself, drinks her own urine, has risky sex, does drugs, has run away from home and exhibited a number of other “borderline” behaviors. When I mentioned the diagnosis to the mother, she spoke with professionals who told her that her child was “too young” to be diagnosed with BPD. OK, so what is the cut-off? This is a quote from an article I found on the net from Psychiatric Times magazine. The article is dated 1996 and is by Joseph M. Rey, M.D.:

Seeking to clarify some of these issues, my colleagues and I followed up a group of adolescents who had been referred for assessment to an adolescent unit in Sydney, Australia (Rey and others). Follow-up consisted of a lengthy interview during which a variety of diagnostic instruments and questionnaires was administered. These included the Personality Disorders Examination (Loranger). At the time of initial assessment, the average age was 14 years, while at follow-up it was 20 years. Of the 205 subjects who were located, 145 were fully interviewed. About half of these (44 percent) were female. During the ensuing six years, four of the subjects had died. One female, initially diagnosed as having attention-deficit disorder with hyperactivity, died of a heroin overdose following a period of severe disturbance during which she probably met criteria for conduct disorder. Two males suffered from conduct disorder. One committed suicide; the other died of multiple organ failure caused by hepatitis one day after being released from prison. One male had an adjustment disorder with disturbance of conduct. Reports from relatives at the time of follow-up suggest he was well-adjusted. He died in a car accident. There were 114 (56 percent) individuals with a disruptive disorder diagnosis among the 205 subjects located. Although numbers are too small to draw conclusions, these findings suggest that mortality (3.5 percent) among adolescents with these conditions is likely to be high.

Putting the mortality rate aside, we find that 56% were diagnosed with a disruptive disorder as children. The point here is that there was something wrong with them as children, although it was not labeled a “personality disorder.” If up to 10% of people with BPD take their own life, then it would seem to me that identifying the candidates for BPD as children would be paramount. If there is a constellation of childhood illnesses – childhood bipolar, ADHD, ODD, CD, etc. – then these children can be monitored to help them develop emotional skills to handle their labile emotional states. Here is a quote from a personal interview with a Borderline:

At about the age of 13. I kept feeling like something was missing in me, like I was “”defective”". My social skills were bad, and there was a growing feeling of a void inside me. I went to the school counselor, but as I could not yet identify what was wrong, was not really helped. At 14 I started to suffer from suicidal thoughts. It has never gone since. It’s always there, like some undercurrent. My parents are emotionally crippled in many ways and they could not help or understand, they would tell me to stop being so sensitive.

http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/interviewc.htm

bon :: Mar.22.2006 :: Parenting, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »