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Q: How do I balance validating somebody’s feelings with protecting myself or my children from emotional abuse?
A: This is an excellent question and one that I have grappled with for years. My wife’s behavior before I started down the path to effectiveness was off-the-charts and was affecting my children’s feelings of safety in our household. Numerous times I felt the only solution to protecting my children was to leave my wife and apply for full custody of our children. When my wife was “acting out” and/or in a rage around the children, I would take the kids to the library or to events around town. I worried that they would associate going to the library (a nice quiet place) with my wife’s raging. However, once I understood the reason for her raging, I also understood that there was a more effective solution to my wife’s behavior. The reason my wife was raging was because she had dysregulated emotional states that were painful for her, yet out-of-line with the evidence of the world around her. Still, these emotional states seemed quite real and justified to her. All of her life she has felt that her very being is under threat from those around her. This situation causes fear in her, but the fear quickly turns to rage and no-holds-barred behavior toward others, even those she supposedly loved. In fact, this dangerous and confusing behavior was worse with the immediate family. The reason is that she felt that her emotional states were not understood, not accepted and judged by those with whom she had the most at stake. If your immediate family doesn’t accept you, who will? This judgment and rejection was seen as a prelude to abandonment, rejection and confirmation of her shame. This situation made her frightened, desperate and angry. The anger then translated into rage from which much of the emotional abuse arises.
Behavior is most often conditioned and based on previous beliefs, reactions and conditions. I found that if you, as a loved one of someone with BPD, change the conditions, the behavior will change. If the emotions are accepted and validated, they don’t typically spiral out of control and trigger dangerous abusive behavior. It is not a question of right and wrong, like many people believe it is. It is a question of effective reactions and behavior on your part versus continuing to react ineffectively and, essentially, throwing gasoline on a raging fire. Better to put out the fire with water, which is a soothing elixir. Punishing a person for their feelings becomes translated into more shame since “all feelings all the time” is how they “are”. Rejection confirms that to the borderline that he/she is a bad person, which, in turn, causes more and more rage. Remember, however, that emotions and behavior are not synonymous. You can validate emotions without condoning the resultant behavior.
What about past abusive behavior? When will my borderline take responsibility for that? Should I let that go?
If I’ve learned anything about borderlines in the past five years, it’s that they generally know what they’ve done “wrong” in life, whether or not they will admit it to you. The shame component causes a “deepest, darkest” reflection about who they really are. When a borderline identifies with a particular role in life – such as being a mother – anything that threatens that identity is usually met with fire. Yet, on the flip-side of the defense of their very being, there’s shame, unworthiness and self-flagellation. It is most likely that your borderline will punish herself for the discretions she has committed. Of course, sometimes, the emotion-fueled behavior is not even remembered. It’s sometimes an emotional vomit session to get all the bad feelings out, to purge the nasty sickness of the painful emotions – of course, those around them can get spewed on. When I said that it might not be remembered some time ago on the ATSTP list, I got a response from a recovered borderline that went “oh, we remember it. We just can’t run to the toilet when it is occurring. And we almost always see the mess that has been made and feel bad about it afterwards.”
My suggestion about “balance” between validation and protecting the children from emotional abuse boils down to the belief that, if the borderline doesn’t let the emotions run away with them, the abusive behavior will (almost) cease entirely. I still get raging from my wife every once in a while – maybe once every 4-6 months. It used to be once every 2-3 days, then it was 2-3 weeks, then once a month and so on. What I changed was the environment for my wife’s emotional expression. I stopped judging her. I validated her when she felt bad. I built a safe, accepting environment for her emotional life. One that she has never experienced before. It was not my “fault” that she felt that way – it was merely how is actually was in her life. I had to accept the reality of the situation and do what I could do to change it.
Several members of the ATSTP list have reported that once they “turned their mind” (and behavior/reactions) toward what I purpose in WHINE, the raging in their borderlines ceased. The Buddha said of dependent origination: “When this exists, that comes to be. With the arising of this, that arises. When this does not exist, that does not come to be. With the cessation of this, that ceases.” My suggestion to each of you is to cause the “ceasing of this” (the non-accepting, judgmental, invalidating environment) to insure that “that ceases” (the abusive, dysregulated behavior).
NOTE “Ask Bon” is a new category within this blog in which Bon answers burning questions about being a non-BPD from his perspective and with the skills an attitudes with which he was able to rebuild his relationship with his borderline wife. The opinions are Bon’s alone.
The other day I received a review on Amazon about my book When Hope is Not Enough from an individual who identified himself as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Here’s the text of the review:
Got BPD? Get This! Great for Everyone Who Needs Validation!, June 16, 2011
I have BPD and I love this book! I no longer walk around feeling like BPD is stamped on my forehead and everything I say or do is a result of my lousy emotional filtering. I can constructively offer suggestions to myself (or others) on how I would rather be treated or spoken to. I can laugh with myself and my partner when something my partner says today about 1 cup of noodles sets off a cascade leading back huge resentment about to 2 tons of dirt and threats of leaving —10 years ago. I am proud of myself as a unique person. I can notice feelings of shame without going down the tubes. My partner bought this book for herself and I love it FOR ME! I don’t feel criticized or judged. I feel validated. I am happy and proud. I’ve been dealing with BPD diagnosis for over 35 years and this book is so fantastic! Give it to your DBT therapist, family members, yourself. This is the only book I have ever written a review for. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.
I’m posting it here for more than just shameless promotion of my book (click here for the post on “Why I Bothered to Write a Book”). I’m posting it to point out that people with BPD generally like my work and approach to BPD. That’s more than can be said of Stop Walking on Eggshells which I know from the borderlines who I know despise SWOE. The reason seems to be that in WHINE, I promote something that one of my list members calls the “Platinum Rule” of interpersonal behavior. The platinum rule states “treat others like they wish to be treated” (as opposed, of course, to the Golden Rule “treat others as you wish to be treated”). People with BPD and other emotionally sensitive people wish to be treated in a particular way. They respond positively to a certain way of treatment. Sometimes I get people comment on my methods as being too “easy” on the borderline, “letting the borderline win”, “giving into the borderline” or “not holding the borderline responsible for their actions”. The reality is that when a person is being treated like they wish to be treated, most of the poor behavior will fall away. When someone feels heard and accepted, there’s no need to scream and yell to be heard and accepted. I heard a borderline daughter once tell her mother “you only listen to me when I’m screaming at you”. That sort of thing goes away when you actually listen and accept the person and understand what they are really saying. I believe that much of the trouble between borderlines and their loved ones is due to a communication problem. Borderlines speak one language, their families speak a completely different language. WHINE really seeks to give you the tools to be fluent in the borderline’s (or any emotionally sensitive person’s) language. Several people on my list have reported that when they started speaking the borderline’s language, the raging, yelling and abusive behavior ceased – in some cases almost immediately.
I like to sell books as much as any other author. Yet, sales is not the reason I write or continue to write, here and on the ATSTP list. In reality, I continue because I discovered something that worked really well for me and wanted to share it with other people who were in the same predicament I was in a few years ago. And, of course, this review also demonstrates that even borderlines like WHINE, so the dread that you may have experienced when your BPD partner finds SWOE might be mitigated if your BPD partner finds WHINE (and actually reads it).
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I don’t usually like to defend myself. In fact, in my book, I have a tool that says “Don’t Defend”. Interestingly, in the Essential Family Guide to BPD, Randi Kreger has the same tool. Yet, I am feeling the need to correct something that Randi has said over at her Psychology Today “Stop Walking on Eggshells” blog. In her new post “Take Some Experts and Bloggers with Agendas With a Grain of Salt” she says:
Splitting is not just for people with borderline personality disorder. Some (but not all) people who have expertise with high conflict personalities and borderline personality disorder (BPD) also think in black and white. In my opinion, when you read their books, blogs, message sites, and other forms of media, consider if they have a bias they are passing along–sometimes unknowingly, sometimes quite deliberately.
And goes on to say that these biases arise from stereotyping and:
But people with power to influence others need to allow for the complexity of these issues and not make stereotypes and generalizations.
I feel that Randi is actually doing the very thing that she is decrying here. Because she didn’t specify WHICH “people who have expertise” are “splitting”, I believe that her message can be interpreted as generalizing about these “experts” (myself included). I also feel the timing was interesting, because I have recently posted a few comments on her blog, clarifying my position on BPD and on being an effective non-BPD. Now, Randi assured me that that message was not directed at me. Yet, I believe that by not specifically enumerating the “bloggers and authors” in question, people will generalize and cast a wide net to include those bloggers and authors who DON’T have an agenda or a bias.
Additionally (and here is where I am really defending myself and explaining and clarifying), she cites 3 ways that she sees these bloggers and authors are biased. They are 1) generalizing and mind reading (I don’t think I do that), 2) Sexism (pretty sure I’m not in that category) and 3) Making people’s decisions for them (this is where the perception of my book and blog get a bit stickier). While I have never (that I can remember) told any non-BPD to stay or leave, there’s little question that my book When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is a “staying” book. I mean, golly, just read the subtitle. In the introduction of WHINE, I say:
Unlike many books on this subject, this book starts with the premise that you want to continue to have a relationship with this difficult person. If you are a spouse, I assume that you want to stay married. If you are a parent, I assume that you want to continue a relationship with your child (sometimes you may have no choice). If you are a child of a parent with the disorder, I assume you want to learn how to effectively interact with your parent. Finally, if you are a friend, I assume you want to continue to be friends with this person. I do not cover how to sever a relationship with someone with the disorder in this book.
So, while I’m not telling people they SHOULD stay (or leave) or making the decision for them, my work assumes that they have already made the decision to stay and instructs the non-BPD reader of the book the ways (the know-how) in how I was able to transform my relationship with my borderline wife and daughter. I guess the only bias that I have is my own experience, which is staying with someone with BPD. I have no experience in leaving someone with BPD, although I do know many non-BPDs that have successfully left their BPD partner. Of course with kids and parents, the issue gets stickier still.
Finally, Randi says this:
It is clear from some people’s description of their own life–at least to me–that the relationship is unhealthy and needs to change. But in my opinion that must come from the non-BP themselves: list managers/authors/others don’t know if that person is using effective tools to improve the relationship.
I would agree with the first part of the clip, many Non-BPD/BPD relationships are unhealthy and need to change. The question is how? What does one DO to change the relationship? That is what I cover, based on my experience, in my book. The second part of the sentence, “list managers/authors/others don’t know if that person is using effective tools to improve the relationship” I actually have to disagree with. I have met hundreds of people with BPD and their loved ones, both electronically and in person, and have been trained in both DBT-FST (Dialectical Behavior Therapy Family Skills Training) and in Mentalization techniques. While I am NOT a mental health professional (and neither is Randi), I have “discovered” that a synthesis of these techniques, adapted for the partner/parent environment has worked wonders in my life. These skills are effective in a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course, you don’t have to agree with them and I have found several people that are unable to accept the skills from my book for various reasons. In WHINE, I say this, without realizing that for some people it would actually be impossible for them to implement these tools because the tools were counter to such strongly-held beliefs, the tools are rejected out-of-hand:
While some of the tools may be difficult to implement in your life and some may seem counter-intuitive, these tools are effective in managing a Non-BP/BP relationship. Depending on your background, biological make-up and sensibilities about the world, you may have an easier or more difficult time understanding and implementing these tools in your life.
I have also discovered that certain other skills are ineffective in the same context. Like any set of skills, these have to be practiced and practiced effectively and from the “proper” stance. They often say that “practice makes perfect” and sometimes people counter with the saying “perfect practice makes perfect”. I’m not one for the idea of perfection. I am one for the idea of agility and “second nature”. The thing is you’ll never hit the baseball out of the park if you don’t practice, with the proper stance, hitting a baseball. And furthermore , you’ll never hit the baseball out of the park if you’re swinging a kayak oar.
I think that Randi’s post actually has done some damage to the non-BPD “support community”. There are a number of individuals that are not mental health professionals and that fall into the “list managers/authors/others” category that in my opinion have been caught in the wide net that Randi has cast in that blog post. If non-BPDs can’t trust the people who now seem to have an agenda and are biased, who can they trust?
I’d just like to caution Randi with her own words: “But people with power to influence others need to allow for the complexity of these issues and not make stereotypes and generalizations.” She is a “person with power to influence others” because of the wide success of SWOE and her platform over at Psychology Today. Using this broad brush that creates doubt as to the motives of people who are actually attempting to help and share what worked effectively for them, does a disservice to the non-BPD support community in my opinion.
In When Hope is Not Enough I have a section in the “getting ready for the tools” chapter that talks about being effective, rather than being right. I’d like to post a large excerpt from that section to illustrate what I want to talk about today. The most important part of this section of the text is the end, after which I will comment on why I’m talking about this today:
It is most important to be effective (rather than right all the time)
This particular attitude is one that has been the most controversial in my Internet group. Many people in life pride themselves on their morals and ability to discern right from wrong. Many people try to do the “right” thing in any given situation. Sometimes people will do what they think is right, even if that hurts another person that is close to them.
People are typically very judgmental. Before I started down this path, I also was very judgmental. Sometimes I can still be judgmental. When I talk about judgmental, I am talking about judging whether other’s behavior is “right” or “wrong” in your eyes. It is the act of labeling other people’s behavior as “good” or “bad.” The problem with being judgmental when dealing with someone with BPD is two-fold. First, because of the shame involved in BPD, when a person’s behavior is judged as wrong or bad, the person will expand that judgment to his or her feelings and further expand it to his or her self. Therefore, a judgment of the other person’s behavior is essentially a judgment of the other person’s self. Secondly, the person is acting on their feelings and doing something that has, at one time in their life, been used to assuage negative feelings. They are acting in a way in which they will feel better. They are acting in a way that they have used to adapt to strong negative feelings in the past. While the behavior may be maladaptive, it is understandable behavior based on how the person feels. You might not behave in the same fashion, but if you had their history, thought like them, had strong negative feelings as they do; chances are you would behave in the very same way. Thus, judging their behavior as “wrong” or “bad” is missing the objective of the behavior. Yes, the behavior may be self-destructive or nasty, but the behavior is a tool for adapting to how that person feels.
One of the biggest problems with being judgmental toward someone with BPD is that it denigrates their feelings and creates the “invalidating environment” that I spoke about earlier. If you judge another person’s feelings (by way of their behavior) as bad, you are judging them as bad – at least for a highly emotional person.
It is extremely difficult to drop the judgmental attitudes that you have. It takes time and practice. Being judgmental is taught to us from a very young age and it seeps into our language. In some respects, we are taught that being judgmental is a positive thing, a moral attitude. We are taught not to accept others and their behavior because their behavior is bad or wrong. This attitude helps keep us within our social group and helps keep us from risk. However, in interpersonal relationships, particularly with a highly emotional person, it is corrosive. If someone feels they can’t be accepted “as is” and “for what they are,” that person will be either shameful or will fly into rage against the judge (or a combination of the two).
A sure sign of being judgmental is name-calling and labeling. If you find yourself, internally or externally (meaning to yourself or to others) labeling someone, you are likely being judgmental. I will talk about how to be less judgmental shortly.
I say, “It is most important to be effective.” What does it mean to be effective? Before I could talk about effectiveness, I had to dismiss being judgmental, because it is a roadblock to effectiveness. Being effective is doing whatever is necessary to gain a positive outcome in any given moment. In the case of emotions, it is doing what is necessary to feel better in any given moment. The major difference between effectiveness and mere adaptive behavior (as mentioned above) is that effectiveness takes into account the consequences that are associated with a given behavior, not just the immediate effects. That is where the idea of “positive” outcome comes into play.
In the case of emotional situations, sometimes the most “conditioned behavioral” response is not the most effective one. An example of this is self-harm. Most often, self-harm – such as cutting, burning oneself or pulling at one’s own hair – functions to reduce pain, not to inflict it. In other words, it is an adaptive response to internal (usually emotional) pain. While you might not think that the behavior is “right,” it is a valid response to internal pain, because it works to reduce pain. Although it is adaptive and “works,” it is not effective, because of the significant negative consequences involved. It can lead to embarrassment, injury, infection or death. The potential negative consequences outweigh the effectiveness of the behavior.
So, doing what “works” is not always the most effective solution to a problem. Learning to identify the most effective solution is a skill itself, and I will discuss it at length later. The point of bringing it up here is that one must adopt an attitude of doing the most effective action in any given situation. You have to be dedicated to being effective.
Now you might ask (as many of the people on my list ask), what if the most effective thing goes against my values? What if being effective is “wrong” in a particular situation? Well, my response to that is that emotions trump values. Emotions are immediate and primal, whereas values have been developed over time (sometimes over generations) and are more abstract than emotions. Again, this is not a case of “if it feels good, do it.” This is the accumulation of the first few attitudes I have directed you to take. If emotions are important (attitude #1), not all people think the way you do (#2), no one has a corner on the truth (#3) and some things have to be accepted (#4), what we arrive at is the attitude that your values and judgments are not necessarily valid for other people. If someone is overcome with powerful negative emotions, we find that: 1) it is important to them; 2) they are not thinking the same way you might; 3) your version of the truth in this situation does not match theirs; and 4) the fact that they are in this state is a truth and must be accepted. Once those attitudes are applied to an emotional situation, you can start to be effective, even if being effective goes against the grain of what you deem is “right” or “good.” I know this might be a difficult concept for you to understand at this point. It was extremely difficult for me to come to terms with it as well. However, in the case of emotional situations, it is essential.
OK, well there it is a long quote from When Hope is Not Enough. The reason I am posting it today is that I have come to understand more fully how this attitude conflicts with many strongly-held beliefs of my readers. It takes a LOT of time to understand and “grok” this approach to life and to your relationships with a person with BPD or any emotionally sensitive person. Once, I was asked what qualities do I dislike the most about other people and I answered: contempt, sanctimoniousness and judgmentalism. I feel that all of these qualities are those that hurt relationships with other people and they all center on the idea that person A (with those qualities) is RIGHT and person B is wrong, for whatever reason. That reason could be that person B is disordered, like have Borderline Personality Disorder. However, person B is no BPD, person B is a person first and can be respected as a person. I read recently an introduction written by the Dalai Lama to a book. His first words were “Every person wants to be happy.” I agree. A person with BPD wants to be happy. The nons want to be happy as well. Yet one stumbling block to happiness is the desire to be right and lord it over the other person. Relationships are not competitions in which one person is right and the other wrong. That’s my belief anyway. When you’re ineffective, what you’re really doing is “winning a battle but losing the war” by gaining points on a particular situation yet hurting the relationship in the longer run.
My book When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is now available on Barnes and Noble’s Nook. Now the book is available in most electronic platforms including the Kindle, the Nook, the iPad and in PDF form to read on a computer. It is also available in printed form through Amazon, Barnes and Noble and through the publisher Lulu, which has the lowest price currently.
I am pleased to announce that When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder sold over 100 copies last month for the first time since the first month of it’s publication. I have received many messages from my readers about how helpful the book can be for loved ones of people with BPD. (Of course, I’ve received a few complaints too). WHINE is a book about staying with a person with BPD. It is NOT a guide to splitting up and/or disowning someone with BPD. It grew out of my experiences with my wife and daughter with BPD/BPDish traits. I “hope” that it will continue to help those who are desperately looking for answers and, more so, an approach that is effective for those with BPD!
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 Sometimes Hope is Not Enough Bon Dobb’s book, “When Hope is Not Enough” is bar none, hands down the single best how-to book I’ve ever read. I wish I were more eloquent, for this book deserves a far better review than I am able to offer. Out of the dozens of relationship books I’ve read over the last three and half years, this is the ONLY one that actually made a difference. My wife and I were on the verge of divorce and I had just moved out of the house when someone turned me onto Bon Dobb’s book. I read it in two days and, when my wife called me on the evening of the second day, I put his suggestions into practice. Following his techniques stopped the fight and took our marriage to a whole new level of intimacy and communication. Of course, it will take a lot of practice to perfect all the techniques he offers, but saving my marriage is worth all the time and effort I can give it.
If you’re a man, having troubles in your marriage, this is the first and best book I could recommend.
That’s a really nice review of the book and I’m totally glad this guy got results from the book. I certainly never expected anyone to call the book the best how-to book they’ve ever read. As one of my ATSTP Group members once said: this sh*t works!
I coined the phrase “It’s All About His/Her Feelings” (IAAHF) as a mentalization tool to understand the MOTIVATION behind much of the confusing behavior of those with BPD. Last week, I got the first search engine search on IAAHF. See below:
 IAAHF As you can see, I also get lots of searches on “famous people” or “celebrities” with BPD. I only post those types of articles to relate to those with BPD and their families that perhaps they are not alone in their struggles – perhaps (again it’s a maybe because the closest celebrity to actually come out and say he/she has BPD is Megan Fox – who speculated about it).
I’ve written a lot about IAAHF here. I also explain the concept and how it relates to validation skills in the I-AM-MAD communication skill. The concept of IAAHF is extremely important to fully understand if a non-BPD is going to understand what is going on in the emotionally dysregulated moments (EDMs). It takes some time to understand and to truly “get” it. For me, it was one to the most valuable perspectives on BPD and emotional dysregulation.
Sometimes, however, nons have a problem with this concept because they misinterpret it. Here is a brief note from “When Hope is Not Enough” (the second edition, on which I am working) about IAAHF:
I found that many people bristle at the idea that it’s “all about” the borderline’s feelings. Sometimes this formulation makes the Non-BPD’s ask: what about my feelings? (which, in a way, is a reformulation of “what about me?”). The intention of this concept is for you to understand the motivation of behavior, not the entire landscape of the relationship. There will be times in which the context of the relationship is about your feelings. Yet, when the “crazy” behavior takes place, it is most often motivated by dysregulated feelings and emotions. The purpose and intent of the behavior is to quell those feelings, even if it seems as if it’s your fault that those feelings exist. To understand and use this attitude properly, you have to remember that it’s (the behavior) is all about (motivated by) his/her feelings (dysregulated emotions that require calming/quelling of pain).
 Sometimes Love Hurts I’m currently reading the book ‘The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder’ by Randi Kreger. This is the first book I’ve read on the subject & I’m finding it really helpful.
I started to research other books and found the one I’m ‘reviewing’ on the US Amazon website. There are lots of reviews of the book there and it made me decide to buy it as the reviews are very positive. So, if you want to read reviews before you buy this book, have a look on the American site.
I’ve now read the book! Just this minute finished reading it in fact. I have found it so very very helpful, not just with the tools Bon Dobbs gives you for improving your relationship with your BP loved one, but for improving their experience of life. It’s a book for being a kinder, more understanding, more enlightened person in all relationships I think.
The first book I read by Randi Kreger (mentioned above) was more about looking after yourself when in a relationship with a BP. Bon Dobbs’ book is about looking after them too. He says “a BP’s brain is working against them by upsetting the emotional regulation system. It is impossible for a BP NOT to feel those emotions. The emotions are not right or wrong, they just ARE. It is the behaviours that arise from the emotions that can be changed, and that is where we will focus our attention.”
The book is very practical and very intelligently and insightfully written, based on years of experience of living with 2 family members with BP (wife & young daughter). I am so grateful to the author for so generously sharing his experiences and the ways he’s found to improve life for his wife, daughter, the rest of the family & himself.
I have learned so much about why my own loved one developed BPD in the first place and what I can now do to help alleviate some of the suffering that goes with this condition.
The title ‘When Hope is Not Enough’ sounds a bit bleak, but what the book has given me IS huge hope! I now very clearly understand that my loved one needs validation of their feelings. The author has shown me that validating their feelings in no way compromises my own core value of acting with integrity – rather, it will enhance it.
The reason I find this review interesting is two-fold (beyond the thank-yous and the nice words about me): 1) I believe that the reviewer is correct about the nature of my book – it is for the relationship, not for the non-BP exclusively and 2) The reviewer is also right about the fact that you can enhance the relationship, through validation and other tools, without sacrificing your own value or values.
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Release date June 15, 2008.
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I am pleased to announce that When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is now available in the Kindle format in the United States and in the UK. I had been asked about getting this book on the Kindle and I finally figured out how to do it. I should have my other books on the Kindle format shortly. If you have a Kindle, now you can read the Non-BPD book that has helped hundreds of people in their relationships.
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