A free eBook – 4X4 for Nons
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$4.99 USD |
Release date April 25, 2011.
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My “primer” book But I Love You is now available as a Kindle eBook. Like my other two books: When Hope is Not Enough (the big, green book) and Beyond Boundaries (the advanced guide) you can now read But I Love You on the Kindle. A note about But I Love You:
This “primer” grew out of my book “When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.” If you have read that book, you will not find much new material in this one. There are a couple of new things (most notably, the “cheerleading” tool), which do not appear in “When Hope is Not Enough.”
This primer was born out of frustration about “When Hope is Not Enough.” One of my list members (of the “Anything to Stop the Pain” Google Support List) found that she and her husband were having trouble understanding the structure of “When Hope is Not Enough.” They felt that many of their “burning questions” were answered only in the end of the book. They have an adult daughter with BPD and wanted to know answers to questions like “Why does she constantly lie to us?” and “Why does she react with rage when we
make innocent suggestions?” The problem that they found with the full “how-to guide” was that way in which I presented the material. In “When Hope is Not Enough” I present a model of BPD that is initially more “inwardly” focused on a person with BPD’s feelings, reactions and motivations. The three core components of BPD that I present in my previous book are: emotional dysregulation, shame and impulsivity. These aspects are, in my opinion, the drivers of all of the behaviors, as crazy as some of these behaviors seem to us.
However, these aspects are all internal to the person with BPD and, as parents of an adult daughter with BPD, my list member and her husband wanted to understand their daughter’s behavior from the “outside in” more fully.
“But I Love You” explains a loved one with BPD in a way that speaks to this frustration with “When Hope is Not Enough.” I see it as a stepping-stone to understanding the full “how-to” guide.
| List Price: |
$7.99 USD |
Release date April 19, 2011.
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I am pleased to announce that my eBook Beyond Boundaries is now available on the Kindle (and other Kindle format devices/readers). The price has been dropped dramatically because I had to remove the graphs, pictures and change the format slightly to make the content make sense on the Kindle. Some information about Beyond Boundaries:
My new eBook needs some explaining I think… It is an attempt of mine to bring together the ideas that I presented in “When Hope is Not Enough” plus some new ideas with which I have been working. I adjusted my “model” of BPD slightly beyond that which was presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”. I also speak more to attachment, cheerleading, mentalizing and goal-directed behavior. “When Hope is Not Enough” is a book that is all about the person with BPD. It is to help them (the ESP/BPD/ERD person) feel better. My theory with that one was if they feel better, they won’t act out in order to attempt to feel better. While modeling and reinforcement are behavioral modification techniques that ARE presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”, I have found that once you have mastered what is in “When Hope is Not Enough”, you’re left with a feeling of “what about MY feelings?” because, although things are (sometimes markedly) better, calmer and easier, it still isn’t a 50/50 relationship. That can cause frustration.
I believe I have discovered how to make the relationship closer to 50/50, which was assembled in the new eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. I wanted to get something out there to help people move toward a more 50/50 situation.I believe that it is necessary to read “When Hope is Not Enough” to fully understand “Beyond Boundaries”. I think that many people who buy it might not read “When Hope is Not Enough” first, because of the title. It is amazing how nons get the impression that boundaries are the only “tool” for BPD relationships. I am also trying to debunk that.
I don’t think you can properly apply techniques that move toward a 50/50 relationship without first gaining the trust that comes through “When Hope is Not Enough” (and other books too). Even if you SAY your intent is not malicious, the other person will not believe you unless you have demonstrated benevolent intent that “When Hope is Not Enough” helps facilitate.
Beyond Boundaries is essentially a transitional book that can get you from a calm, but sort of one-way relationship (which can be developed through the skills in When Hope is Not Enough) to a more two-way relationship. It can help you on your path toward emotional skillfulness and mastery.
I coined the phrase “It’s All About His/Her Feelings” (IAAHF) as a mentalization tool to understand the MOTIVATION behind much of the confusing behavior of those with BPD. Last week, I got the first search engine search on IAAHF. See below:
 IAAHF As you can see, I also get lots of searches on “famous people” or “celebrities” with BPD. I only post those types of articles to relate to those with BPD and their families that perhaps they are not alone in their struggles – perhaps (again it’s a maybe because the closest celebrity to actually come out and say he/she has BPD is Megan Fox – who speculated about it).
I’ve written a lot about IAAHF here. I also explain the concept and how it relates to validation skills in the I-AM-MAD communication skill. The concept of IAAHF is extremely important to fully understand if a non-BPD is going to understand what is going on in the emotionally dysregulated moments (EDMs). It takes some time to understand and to truly “get” it. For me, it was one to the most valuable perspectives on BPD and emotional dysregulation.
Sometimes, however, nons have a problem with this concept because they misinterpret it. Here is a brief note from “When Hope is Not Enough” (the second edition, on which I am working) about IAAHF:
I found that many people bristle at the idea that it’s “all about” the borderline’s feelings. Sometimes this formulation makes the Non-BPD’s ask: what about my feelings? (which, in a way, is a reformulation of “what about me?”). The intention of this concept is for you to understand the motivation of behavior, not the entire landscape of the relationship. There will be times in which the context of the relationship is about your feelings. Yet, when the “crazy” behavior takes place, it is most often motivated by dysregulated feelings and emotions. The purpose and intent of the behavior is to quell those feelings, even if it seems as if it’s your fault that those feelings exist. To understand and use this attitude properly, you have to remember that it’s (the behavior) is all about (motivated by) his/her feelings (dysregulated emotions that require calming/quelling of pain).
| List Price: |
$7.50 USD |
Release date June 15, 2008.
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I am pleased to announce that When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is now available in the Kindle format in the United States and in the UK. I had been asked about getting this book on the Kindle and I finally figured out how to do it. I should have my other books on the Kindle format shortly. If you have a Kindle, now you can read the Non-BPD book that has helped hundreds of people in their relationships.
Today, I updated the Beyond Boundaries eBook and created a second edition. Much of the content from the original Beyond Boundaries eBook is the same. I repaired some (hopefully all) of the typos and rewrote small portions of the eBook to make certain skills and concepts clearer. It is still 72 pages, yet the file size is 30% smaller. I guess this is due to a more efficient Adobe Acrobat.
Here is the original announcement about Beyond Boundaries:
My new eBook needs some explaining I think… It is an attempt of mine to bring together the ideas that I presented in “When Hope is Not Enough” plus some new ideas with which I have been working. I adjusted my “model” of BPD slightly beyond that which was presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”. I also speak more to attachment, cheerleading, mentalizing and goal-directed behavior. “When Hope is Not Enough” is a book that is all about the person with BPD. It is to help them (the ESP/BPD/ERD person) feel better. My theory with that one was if they feel better, they won’t act out in order to attempt to feel better. While modeling and reinforcement are behavioral modification techniques that ARE presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”, I have found that once you have mastered what is in “When Hope is Not Enough”, you’re left with a feeling of “what about MY feelings?” because, although things are (sometimes markedly) better, calmer and easier, it still isn’t a 50/50 relationship. That can cause frustration.
I believe I have discovered how to make the relationship closer to 50/50, which was assembled in the new eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. I wanted to get something out there to help people move toward a more 50/50 situation.I believe that it is necessary to read “When Hope is Not Enough” to fully understand “Beyond Boundaries”. I think that many people who buy it might not read “When Hope is Not Enough” first, because of the title. It is amazing how nons get the impression that boundaries are the only “tool” for BPD relationships. I am also trying to debunk that.
I don’t think you can properly apply techniques that move toward a 50/50 relationship without first gaining the trust that comes through “When Hope is Not Enough” (and other books too). Even if you SAY your intent is not malicious, the other person will not believe you unless you have demonstrated benevolent intent that “When Hope is Not Enough” helps facilitate.
You can purchase a copy of Beyond Boundaries by clicking on the Google Checkout image below. You will be sent a password to download the eBook once the purchase is complete:
Often, I have had nons say to me that they want their borderlines to be accountable and responsible for their actions. I recently got a 1 star review of “When Hope is Not Enough” that indicated that the reviewer felt that my approach to BPD was a “recipe for walking on eggshells”. It’s clear to me that the reviewer didn’t really understand the content of my book. The reviewer went on to say that: This book doesn’t hold a BPD anywhere close to being responsible for her actions by granting the notion of “emotional dysregulation” a power of grand excuse.
Clearly, the reviewer didn’t understand the idea of emotional dysregulation or the difference between motivation, intent, action and consequence. I attempted to separate and explain each concept in the book, but perhaps I did a poor job.
In “When Hope is Not Enough” I write about the concept of IAAHF (or “It’s all about his/her feelings”). That statement, which is an exploration of the idea “it’s not about you,” is a statement of intent and motivation, not a release from the consequences of someone’s actions. The “all about” statement concerns the motivations of a person with BPD’s actions – that is, rarely does someone with BPD intend to hurt the non-BPD, despite appearances. What the intention of this statement of intent seeks to do is release the non from the paranoia that their loved one with BPD is out to get them. This is typically not the case. Usually, the actions of a person with BPD are intended to reduce their own emotional pain (stemming from emotional dysregulation). Sometimes this emotional pain and emotional dysregulation is triggered by (what I call) perceptions that are “misaligned” with the situation. That is, the “attack” on the borderline is not intended by the non to be an attack at all and through a highly sensitive emotional profile and emotional dysregulation, the borderline will attack back as a way of defending their self from a perceived attack. But the real point here is that the motivation and intention of the borderline’s attack is actually to quell the painful feelings within herself, not to cause interpersonal strife or manipulate the non.
However, as I also say in “When Hope is Not Enough”, the action (or cause) sometimes has unintended consequences (or effects). When a borderline is emotionally dysregulated and overcome with feelings, the action that she takes is likely to be impulsive and the consequences of her actions are not taken into consideration. When behaving this way, the borderline will often behave in an “effect -> cause” way – meaning she will think “I feel bad, so you must have done something to specifically make me feel bad.” If a borderline is to consider the consequences, even the unintended ones, of her actions, she will need to approach the situation in a “cause -> effect” way. Intentions do not provide a free pass for consequences. As I have said on the ATSTP list, just because you didn’t intend to burn down the house while playing with matches, doesn’t bring the house back into existence when you express your intention. One thing that separates the understanding of consequences (that follow from a cause – and in this case the cause is the behavior of the borderline) from blame is that there is an analysis based on observation as opposed to judgment. If you feel that the borderline has done something “wrong,” then you are inserting your judgment, rather than understanding the observed consequences of the behavior. I tried to explain this fully in “When Hope is Not Enough”, but I suppose some people either are so caught up in fault-finding and blame-storming that they can’t separate judgmental thoughts from the understanding of consequences or I have expressed it poorly in the book. If a borderline can begin to understand the consequences of her actions (and especially powerful are those that go against her goals), then, in my mind, the borderline can become responsible for her actions and do so in an effective manner.
A page from my eBook “Beyond Boundaries”….
In a word, nothing.
What I have a problem with is people using only boundaries (also known as “limits”). I have a problem with people thinking that boundaries are the end-all, be-all of relationship tools. I also have a problem with people using “boundaries” that are not really boundaries at all.
Let me explain… Many in the Non-BPD support community (loved ones of people with borderline personality disorder – BPD) seem to latch on to boundaries as the main tool for dealing with their loved one with BPD. While boundaries (if understood and used properly) can be an effective tool for you, boundaries are not the end-all, be-all tool in a Non-BPD’s toolbox. I have read hundreds of messages that advise others to “enforce their boundaries” with someone with BPD, as if boundaries will make the relationship more manageable. Actually, boundaries are not the most effective tool in dealing with someone with BPD. What are the more effective tools? I will explain those at length in this eBook.
Another problem with boundaries is that if a Non-BPD decides to use ONLY boundaries, troubles will occur. The reason behind this is that boundaries are an effective tool for YOU, but not necessarily an effective tool for the relationship. Often, when someone is using only boundaries, the person on the “receiving end” of the boundary will feel like they are being dealt with harshly, which, in some circumstances, can cause MORE rage. With BPD, the application of “tough love” is most often not effective. While tough love may be appropriate with substance abuse or other behavioral disorders, BPD is not primarily a behavioral disorder. It is primarily a disorder of the emotional regulation system (some researchers have suggested renaming the disorder to “Emotional Regulation Disorder”). It is a true mental illness with both biological and environmental causes and effects. It’s not just a person behaving badly, even though it can include severe behavioral dysfunction.
A final problem with boundaries is the misunderstanding of what boundaries are and to whom they apply. I explain this issue in the “About Boundaries” section of this eBook.
The reason I titled this eBook “Beyond Boundaries” is because the tools represented within are just that: they are tools to take your relationship to an effective level, beyond the knee-jerk idea that boundaries are the best tool for a Non-BPD/BPD relationship. Although many support groups, self-help books and even therapists provide the single tool of boundaries for your relationship, this eBook will provide you with an entire tool kit. Like any tool kit, the tools contained within are appropriate for different tasks. Your job, if you are willing to do it, is to learn the function of each tool and then practice with each tool until you have a complete mastery over it. That is the way to emotional freedom and peace in a difficult relationship.
You know all, there’s something weird about the sales of “When Hope is Not Enough” – I have tracked sales each day (because I can and because it matters to me) and I have noticed something decidedly weird about those… I sold an average of 2 books a day for the first 12 days of June… and then nothing. Why? I have no idea. I don’t advertise the book much. Yet, if you look at the sales of other competing books – those seem to be going along fine. I have no idea what happened. I mean from 20,000 in sales rank to 200,000+. Strange. Look you all, this book is helpful. It has helped hundreds of people – almost a thousand at this point. I don’t make a living being Bon… yet if you drink the kool-aid – it works! I could quote the readers (and I will soon) but I’m tired. Hey it’s almost 1 AM. I just don’t get how I sell 2 books a day and then nothing in 2 days. Weird.
 When Hope is Not EnoughGet the Non-BPD book that is designed for staying and working on the relationship
“How to set boundaries to protect yourself and improve living with a BP?”
OK, I don’t normally do it, but today I went out to my old (circa 2005-2006) haunt – WTO (i.e. “Welcome to Oz”). WTO is the largest non-BP board on the Internet. It’s been around or at least 10 years and has over 4,000 members. Most of the members are quiet (like me). I used to post way back when and got into a number of “altercations” with people because I was presenting a different approach to people with BPD than the majority of the members. Mostly, it’s people who have just started trying to figure out what BPD is all about and are hurt and frustrated.
The quoted text above is a subject line of a recent post. I feel for the woman, I really do. Yet, that line seems to typify the very problem with BPD support groups. Firstly, there is an assumption that boundaries are the default tool for making a relationship work. They aren’t. I explain in great detail in my eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. However, the short version about boundaries is (from the Beyond Boundaries eBook):
If you do any research on BPD, you will find a plethora of advice from all types of people. There are Internet support groups, self-help books and personal stories that tell you what to do as a Non-BP. Some of this advice is good and works effectively with someone with BPD. Some of this advice is not good and is ineffective with someone with BPD. Some of this advice is misperceived by the Non and applied in a way that is not intended by the advice giver. The most misunderstood tool is boundaries.
If I had a nickel for every time someone joins my Internet list and says: “I set boundaries and try to enforce them.”
… or something like that, I’d be rich. Well, not really but I would probably have a couple of hundred dollars anyway.
Unfortunately, most people who try to create and apply boundaries to their BP relationship, do so improperly and with misunderstanding. This misunderstanding is amplified across the Internet and in publications about dealing with an emotionally sensitive person. The misunderstanding arises in two forms: one is the meaning of a boundary, and the second is to whom the boundary applies.
Many people believe that a “boundary” is equivalent to a rule and that they have to enforce their personal boundaries with a person who has BPD. This is not the case. A personal boundary is not a rule that needs to be enforced. Instead, a personal boundary is a limit that one puts on one’s own behavior. It is a choice that you make about your own behavior and a limit on the behavior you’re willing to engage in.
Boundaries have their place, but the assumption that boundaries (or limits) are the end-all, be-all (or even the default approach to BPD is IMO misguided. Other tools are much more important, effective and productive than boundaries.
Now as for “protecting oneself” I can certainly understand why one would feel that they need to protect themselves. However, I see a relationship not as a power struggle or “battle of wills” but as a cooperative sharing of feelings. Unfortunately, a borderline’s feelings are very overwhelming and, at times, seem to be the only feelings in the relationship. If someone is trying to hurt you, it’s quite possible that they’re not borderline, they’re a psychopath (in the true sense of the term). If you’d like to know more about true psychopath you can listen to this (the middle part is the presentation of Dr. James Blair about psychopathy).
You see borderline aggression is reactive in nature. It is reactive to what the borderline perceives as a threat. If the environment is a power struggle, they are going to be trigger continuously. If the environment is a cooperative sharing of feelings, the threat level will go down and you will get less aggression.
This pattern is not the same as a true psychopath.
Update to my previous post about “When Hope is Not Enough” being number 10 on the Lulu-published Amazon sales list. Well, today WHINE hit #5 on the June list. Again, thanks all. I appreciate it. It appears that the book is becoming more popular. I have happy about getting the message out!
 When Hope is Not Enough Hits #5 on Lulu/Amazon List When Hope is Not EnoughGet the Non-BPD book that is designed for staying and working on the relationship
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