• Borderline Personality Disorder,  Emotions,  Lying,  Manipulation

    Ask Bon: Why can’t this person listen to reason (or see the truth)?

    It has been said in popular culture “if it feels good, do it.” In the case of BPD, the saying should be more like “if I feel it, it must be true.” Emotional reasoning is the inclination to believe that feelings actually equal (or cause) facts and events to happen. The feelings of someone with BPD are so immediate and overpowering; it is difficult for someone experiencing these feelings and emotions to believe that these feelings are self-generated. It is important to remember the function of emotions to understand why emotional reasoning takes place. As stated, the basic emotions function to detect threats to one’s survival (or either body or…

  • Ask Bon,  Blame,  Borderline Personality Disorder,  Emotions

    Ask Bon: Why does this person blame me for everything?

    You might notice that when dealing with someone with BPD, everything that he/she feels and everything that goes wrong seems to be your fault. You probably feel blamed for many, many things including things over which you have no control. Being blamed for everything is tiring to say the least. Coupled with the BP’s inability to take responsibility (and blame) for his/her own actions, this aspect of BPD is maddening. It is impossible for one person to shoulder all the blame for everything in a relationship. One of my therapist friends once told me, “If you are responsible for everything, you are responsible for nothing.” I truly believe that it…

  • Ask Bon,  Blame,  Borderline Personality Disorder,  Shame

    Ask Bon: Why does my loved one with BPD fear judgment so much?

    A person with BPD fears judgment almost to the point of being allergic to it. She is extremely sensitive to judgment from other people, even if that judgment is merely perceived. Because of the shame (the belief that she is a bad person and deserves to be deemed as such) and the rejection sensitivity, a person with BPD avoids situations in which her actions can be judged by others. When I say “judged” here and “judgment,” what I am referring to is not “using one’s better judgment” in a situation, but rather it is the sense that a person’s actions or the person herself can be judged as “right or…

  • Anger,  Ask Bon,  Blame,  Borderline Personality Disorder,  Emotions,  Shame

    Ask Bon: Why does my borderline rage at me?

    In the support groups, rage is one of the most talked about aspects of BPD. Why? Because it is one of the most difficult for the Non-BPD to endure. Many people ask themselves, why is this person so angry (with me)? It seems to make no sense. A person with BPD will fly into a rage about seemingly nothing. The smallest thing that is out of place or not done the way that this person expects causes sometimes hours of anger and raging, yelling and screaming and sometimes physical violence. Again, many Nons ask: “what’s up with that?” Anger and rage are usually secondary emotions to other primary ones. Sensitivity…

  • Blame,  Borderline Personality Disorder,  Boundaries

    Boundaries and My Life

    I don’t usually get personal on this blog. Today, I have decided to get a bit personal. My “emotional” daughter has been texting me – worried about her mother’s (my wife’s) behavior. We have been going back and forth, trying to figure out what we could do to be effective in this situation. Eventually, I had to apply my boundary with my wife. I had to tell her “I will not talk to you when you’re in this state”. It was tough, yet it was the elephant in the room. The thing is… and this is what you nonBPDs need to learn about boundaries (and about which I have written…

  • Anger,  Blame,  Borderline Personality Disorder

    Are you a grudge collector?

    Why being a grudge collector makes you into a slave and dependent on others for justice and self-worth. Reexamining the duality of praise and blame and how people’s feelings play a roll. I noticed today that my wife with BPD is a grudge collector. She holds onto blame from others for a long time. Judgments made about her actions and times that she has been blamed about things (especially when she feels she was NOT a fault) are repeated time and time again in our house. I suppose she ruminates on the perceived humiliation from these incidents. She also craves recognition for her “special abilities” such as her large vocabulary…