-
Ask Bon: Why does this person blame me for everything?
You might notice that when dealing with someone with BPD, everything that he/she feels and everything that goes wrong seems to be your fault. You probably feel blamed for many, many things including things over which you have no control. Being blamed for everything is tiring to say the least. Coupled with the BP’s inability to take responsibility (and blame) for his/her own actions, this aspect of BPD is maddening. It is impossible for one person to shoulder all the blame for everything in a relationship. One of my therapist friends once told me, “If you are responsible for everything, you are responsible for nothing.” I truly believe that it…
-
Ask Bon: Why does my loved one with BPD do such dangerous things? (like cutting, drugs, etc.)
People with BPD are in a great deal of emotional pain. Since emotions are immediate and primal, emotional pain is also immediate and primal. As I have said, emotions represent a land-bridge between the body and the mind. Emotional pain manifests itself in both mental and physical ways. If you have ever been depressed or “fraught with grief” over the loss of something or someone important to you, you will know what I am saying in this regard. Depression and grief can be a trying experience for anyone. You feel pain in every area of your body and mind. Sometimes you will just want to retreat to your bedroom and…
-
Ask Bon: How do I get my loved one with BPD to go to therapy?
This question often is the first question that my group is asked. Many family members of those with BPD believe that therapy is the answer. And for some with BPD therapy CAN be the answer. However, there are some complications when it comes to therapy and borderline personality disorder. They are: Sending someone to therapy is not like having your car repaired. It involves a lot of hard work on the part of the patient/client and on the part of their loved ones and supporters. Therapy as usual (referred to as TAU in the studies) can actually make BPD worse in some individuals. There are several BPD-specific therapies, such as…
-
Ask Bon: Why does my loved one with BPD fear judgment so much?
A person with BPD fears judgment almost to the point of being allergic to it. She is extremely sensitive to judgment from other people, even if that judgment is merely perceived. Because of the shame (the belief that she is a bad person and deserves to be deemed as such) and the rejection sensitivity, a person with BPD avoids situations in which her actions can be judged by others. When I say “judged” here and “judgment,” what I am referring to is not “using one’s better judgment” in a situation, but rather it is the sense that a person’s actions or the person herself can be judged as “right or…
-
Ask Bon: Why does my borderline rage at me?
In the support groups, rage is one of the most talked about aspects of BPD. Why? Because it is one of the most difficult for the Non-BPD to endure. Many people ask themselves, why is this person so angry (with me)? It seems to make no sense. A person with BPD will fly into a rage about seemingly nothing. The smallest thing that is out of place or not done the way that this person expects causes sometimes hours of anger and raging, yelling and screaming and sometimes physical violence. Again, many Nons ask: “what’s up with that?” Anger and rage are usually secondary emotions to other primary ones. Sensitivity…
-
Ask Bon: Why do you emphasize emotional validation so much?
Emotional Validation and why it is vital for an effective relationship with a borderline. Q: Why do you emphasize emotional validation so much? A: Emotional Validation is a very powerful skill, or set of skills, for any relationship with an emotionally sensitive person (ESP), including those with BPD traits. There are a number of reasons that emotional validation is important for a family member of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Emotional Dysregulation is a core feature of BPD. Another core feature is shame. If you invalidate a BP’s feelings, you are likely to fuel more shame, because they actually feel those emotions, whether or not they seem right or appropriate to…