Borderline Personality Disorder,  Validation,  WHINE Book

A Review of WHINE by someone with BPD

The other day I received a review on Amazon about my book When Hope is Not Enough from an individual who identified himself as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Here’s the text of the review:

Got BPD? Get This! Great for Everyone Who Needs Validation!, June 16, 2011

I have BPD and I love this book! I no longer walk around feeling like BPD is stamped on my forehead and everything I say or do is a result of my lousy emotional filtering. I can constructively offer suggestions to myself (or others) on how I would rather be treated or spoken to. I can laugh with myself and my partner when something my partner says today about 1 cup of noodles sets off a cascade leading back huge resentment about to 2 tons of dirt and threats of leaving —10 years ago. I am proud of myself as a unique person. I can notice feelings of shame without going down the tubes. My partner bought this book for herself and I love it FOR ME! I don’t feel criticized or judged. I feel validated. I am happy and proud. I’ve been dealing with BPD diagnosis for over 35 years and this book is so fantastic! Give it to your DBT therapist, family members, yourself. This is the only book I have ever written a review for. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

I’m posting it here for more than just shameless promotion of my book (click here for the post on “Why I Bothered to Write a Book”). I’m posting it to point out that people with BPD generally like my work and approach to BPD. That’s more than can be said of Stop Walking on Eggshells which I know from the borderlines who I know despise SWOE. The reason seems to be that in WHINE, I promote something that one of my list members calls the “Platinum Rule” of interpersonal behavior. The platinum rule states “treat others like they wish to be treated” (as opposed, of course, to the Golden Rule “treat others as you wish to be treated”). People with BPD and other emotionally sensitive people wish to be treated in a particular way. They respond positively to a certain way of treatment. Sometimes I get people comment on my methods as being too “easy” on the borderline, “letting the borderline win”, “giving into the borderline” or “not holding the borderline responsible for their actions”. The reality is that when a person is being treated like they wish to be treated, most of the poor behavior will fall away. When someone feels heard and accepted, there’s no need to scream and yell to be heard and accepted. I heard a borderline daughter once tell her mother “you only listen to me when I’m screaming at you”. That sort of thing goes away when you actually listen and accept the person and understand what they are really saying. I believe that much of the trouble between borderlines and their loved ones is due to a communication problem. Borderlines speak one language, their families speak a completely different language. WHINE really seeks to give you the tools to be fluent in the borderline’s (or any  emotionally sensitive person’s) language. Several people on my list have reported that when they started speaking the borderline’s language, the raging, yelling and abusive behavior ceased – in some cases almost immediately.

I like to sell books as much as any other author. Yet, sales is not the reason I write or continue to write, here and on the ATSTP list. In reality, I continue because I discovered something that worked really well for me and wanted to share it with other people who were in the same predicament I was in a few years ago. And, of course, this review also demonstrates that even borderlines like WHINE, so the dread that you may have experienced when your BPD partner finds SWOE might be mitigated if your BPD partner finds WHINE (and actually reads it).

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