Borderline Personality Disorder,  Resources,  WHINE Book

What is your goal for your relationship?

What is your goal?
What is your goal?

I have recently made a realization about the other Non-BP writers and myself. I realized that our goals are completely different. When reading other books about being a loved one of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (mainly those written by lay people, as opposed to professionals), I have found that essentially we fall into three categories. These categories are:

Those that are chiefly concerned with stopping the emotional abuse doled out by the person with BPD. This category is the largest of the three. Most books written about being a loved one of someone with BPD fall into this category. These books include: “Tears and Healing”, “Stop Walking on Eggshells”, “The Essential Family Guide”, “The Siren’s Song”, “Loving and Loathing”, “One Way Ticket to Kansas” and others. Typically these are written by ex-spouses as guides to getting out of emotionally abusive situations and protecting oneself from emotional abuse. Most of these have an emphasis on boundaries or limits, tough love and abusive dynamics (such as the victim-rescuer-perpetrator triangle or Stockholm Syndrome). If your goal is to stop the abuse directed at you from your loved one with BPD, I believe reading these books can help you do that; however, I don’t think you should expect to keep the relationship and, if you do keep the relationship, I wouldn’t expect that it would grow to be a close, loving relationship, you should look for a new one at The tools and techniques in these books will not help you build such a relationship with someone with BPD.

Those that are written by people who have recovered from BPD and wish to promote a better understanding of the disorder. These books include those by Rachel Reiland, A.J. Mahari, Tami Green and others. I find these books to be helpful for the intended purpose. It certainly helps a loved one understand what it feels like to have the disorder. However, read this if you want to know how one can do to build a loving relationship with a person with BPD. These books are inspirational for people who want to recover from BPD, but I don’t feel they provide the complete picture when it comes to the loved ones.

Those that promote an effective, skillful path to building a loving relationship with someone with BPD. As far as I can tell, I am the only “lay person” in this category. There are some professional books, such as “New Hope for BPD,” which attempt to achieve this goal, but no other first-hand experience books that I have found other than my two books, “When Hope is Not Enough” and “But I Love You”. If your goal is staying with your loved one with BPD and building a loving, compassionate relationship, I think I am your only choice.

I implore you to consider your goals and choose your path accordingly.


  • John Lucas

    Not to knock the considerable wisdom and help I found from your book and google group, Bon, but it just struck me how unbelievable it is that you are the only option for people who want to learn to build a relationship with their loved ones with BPD. I suppose there is DBT-FST but I agree, I can’t think of another single lay person who has written a book for this purpose. Shocking, especially given the prevalence of BPD.

  • Bon Dobbs

    Well, I haven’t been able to find a non-professional book (first-hand account) that actually encourages someone to stay and apply skills. Maybe there is one I am not aware of?

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.