In order to live a life and have a relationship without creating resentments and tallying up fears, you must throw away the scoreboard.
What’s this about a scoreboard?
The scoreboard is the “what she does for me” vs “what I have done for her” measure. It’s an accounting of transactions in the relationship. It’s not just about marriage (and sex); parents have a scoreboard for their kids as well. How their kids with BPD don’t appreciate the sacrifice they have made for them and blah, blah, blah.
This scoreboard results in more resentment (she’s not meeting my needs) and more fear (I’m going to be the only one giving for the rest of my life).
Love is not a transaction. Love is an understanding. In love two people “get” one another.
Turn off the scoreboard and throw it away. Do it today. You will not be able to implement the attitudes for effectiveness when you have a scoreboard tallying every interaction.
Visualize smashing the scoreboard. The lights exploding. The timer falling to the ground. Never allow it to be reconstructed in your mind.
You don’t need a scoreboard because you and your loved one with BPD are on the same team.
Adapted from When Hope is Not Enough, 2nd Edition