First Search on IAAHF

I coined the phrase “It’s All About His/Her Feelings” (IAAHF) as a mentalization tool to understand the MOTIVATION behind much of the confusing behavior of those with BPD. Last week, I got the first search engine search on IAAHF. See below:

As you can see, I also get lots of searches on “famous people” or “celebrities” with BPD. I only post those types of articles to relate to those with BPD and their families that perhaps they are not alone in their struggles – perhaps (again it’s a maybe because the closest celebrity to actually come out and say he/she has BPD is Megan Fox – who speculated about it).

I’ve written a lot about IAAHF here. I also explain the concept and how it relates to validation skills in the I-AM-MAD communication skill. The concept of IAAHF is extremely important to fully understand if a non-BPD is going to understand what is going on in the emotionally dysregulated moments (EDMs). It takes some time to understand and to truly “get” it. For me, it was one to the most valuable perspectives on BPD and emotional dysregulation.

Sometimes, however, nons have a problem with this concept because they misinterpret it. Here is a brief note from “When Hope is Not Enough” (the second edition, on which I am working) about IAAHF:

I found that many people bristle at the idea that it’s “all about” the borderline’s feelings. Sometimes this formulation makes the Non-BPD’s ask: what about my feelings? (which, in a way, is a reformulation of “what about me?”). The intention of this concept is for you to understand the motivation of behavior, not the entire landscape of the relationship. There will be times in which the context of the relationship is about your feelings. Yet, when the “crazy” behavior takes place, it is most often motivated by dysregulated feelings and emotions. The purpose and intent of the behavior is to quell those feelings, even if it seems as if it’s your fault that those feelings exist. To understand and use this attitude properly, you have to remember that it’s (the behavior) is all about (motivated by) his/her feelings (dysregulated emotions that require calming/quelling of pain).