The great tree of behavior modification

When I talk to Nons, either in person or virtually, I find that they have the biggest problems with the behaviors of their loved ones with BPD. In When Hope is Not Enough, I outline a way to work on behavior modification and help the person with BPD change problem behaviors. The tool of reinforcement is number eight out of a tool of eleven tools. It rests on the foundation built through the application of other tools (mostly emotional ones) and attitudes presented in When Hope is Not Enough. In other words, behavior modification through reinforcement, which is usually called “shaping,” is not possible without first understanding, implementing and mastering the tools and attitudes presented before the eighth tool. That said, today I’d like to talk about another problem with using behavior modification techniques with someone with BPD: that problem is the scale at which many nons try to make the change. I have come up with a brief “model” that can help you figure out if you are operating at the right scale. This model uses a tree as a metaphor. The largest scale is presented first, with me gradually winnowing it down to the smallest and most effective scale.

In the sky:

• She is selfish.
• She is lazy.
• She’s a chicken.
• He’s a bully.
• She’s a liar.
• He’s too rigid.
• He’s closed-minded.
• She’s so dramatic.
• She’s immature.
• He always has to be right.

In the leaves:

• Her up-bringing made her that way, so she can never change.
• He doesn’t care about anyone.
• She needs to be more rational and not freak out all the time.
• She was spoiled by her dad.
• She was abused.
• He thinks he’s better than everyone else.
• She doesn’t care about my feelings.

In the branches:

• He lacks empathy.
• She doesn’t know how to communicate.
• He’s got to listen more.
• She screws up all the time.
• He doesn’t spend enough time with the kids.
• He rages at me for nothing.
• She needs to learn to cope.

On the trunk:

• He needs to come home earlier.
• She needs to learn how to do it herself.
• He should be on time more.
• She has to stop making so many commitments.
• He has to be more polite to my friends.
• She has to stop finishing things halfway through.
• He has to be less critical of my family.

On the ground:

• I’d like for him to spend Saturday afternoons with the kids.
• I’d like for her to pay the phone bill.
• I’d like for her to send a thank you note to my mother.
• I’d like for him to say hello to my friend when she comes over.
• I’d like for her to work on the kitchen project we agreed to do.
• I’d like for him to arrive home at 6PM on Tuesdays.

What I have found is that many nons come to support forums with a basket full of problems at various scales along the tree. Some are character traits, some are psychological explanations, some are wide behavior patterns, etc. The problem with this approach is that a non can’t solve (or work with the BPD to solve) all the problems at once. Secondly, large, general problems are not solvable in a support forum. One has to solve, through behavior modification (and the use of the other tools in When Hope is Not Enough) specific problems with specific outcomes. Once you are at ground level, you can actually get something worked out, because if the specific positive behavior is observed, you can reinforce that specific behavior. That is the “one small step at a time” approach to behavioral change. It is the only one that actually works.