To Fix Your Body, First You Must Fix Your Soul
This pattern of impulse control failure had manifested itself most obviously in various unwise moves I’d made with regards to my career, online. I’d posted scathing letters and blog posts about my employers or business associates, for example, over the past decade, and though I’d incredibly thought at the time that such actions would help me to gain sympathy, these things always turned around to bite me. In the end, the only person who ended up hurt by my public tantrums was…me.
An article from Alsia Valdes about BPD and her relationship.
To Fix Your Body, First You Must Fix Your Soul
by Alisa Valdes
1/24/2012
It’s funny how things are all connected, when you really sit down to look at them. Well, not funny in a comedic sense, but funny as in interesting. For years, I have had trouble controlling my impulses. Many people who knew me understood this. I, unfortunately, did not.
I never realized I had a problem until it was pointed out to me by someone I loved. While others had tried to point out that I had a problem, they were usually people I was fighting with, and I was able to brush it off as “they just hate me.”
This man who loves me, though, noticed early on in our relationship that there was a pattern in my life of what he called self-destructive failure to control my impulses. He was quite clear in letting me know that any relationship we were to have would be contingent upon this pattern of mine being fixed. No fix, no relationship.
This pattern of impulse control failure had manifested itself most obviously in various unwise moves I’d made with regards to my career, online. I’d posted scathing letters and blog posts about my employers or business associates, for example, over the past decade, and though I’d incredibly thought at the time that such actions would help me to gain sympathy, these things always turned around to bite me. In the end, the only person who ended up hurt by my public tantrums was…me.
What I didn’t realize until very recently is that there were all sorts of other ways in which this same pattern of failing to control my most base and emotional impulses was harming me. Pretty much any area of my life you wanted to look at, there it was. Failure to control impulses.
DIAGNOSIS: BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
I began to research this, realizing it was absolutely holding me captive in my own life, and was led to a therapist who wasted no time in diagnosing me with a mood disorder. I have what is called Borderline Personality Disorder. This disorder has a very bad rap among mental health specialists, because we’re the people who go nuts when someone breaks up with us, we’re the ones who try to kill ourselves, we’re the ones who sometimes turn on our own therapists, even, because we tend to have very black and white thinking. BPD has such a bad rap, in fact, that I hesitate to disclose this to you now, but I do so because I truly believe the truth will set us free. I’m not perfect. I have a disorder. I got it honestly, through a combination of biology and suffering, and I am working very, very hard to figure out how to handle it before it’s too late.
I’d gone through 42 years of life blindfolded, and this diagnosis was the first time anyone had lifted the cloth from my eyes long enough for me to see myself as I really was, and, most importantly, to catch a glimpse of a solution to this problem that had ruined just about every part of my life from the time I was 16 years old and it first reared its ugly head.
People with impulse control issues tend, among all of their other charming behaviors, to overeat. This is not a surprise. Eating right requires control. Self-control. Borderlines are notoriously lacking in this skill. Eating right also requires mastery over one’s emotions, if you are an emotional eater as so many of us are. It is no surprise, then, that Borderlines like me have higher rates of eating disorders and obesity than the rest of the population. Yes, we’re a lovely bunch, aren’t we?
There are complicated reasons I ended up this way, most of them sad and having taken place when I was a kid and had no say over what happened to me, and not worth burdening you with here. There is also a silver lining to my disorder—it has made me a very empathetic person who is able to live most happily in her imagination, where she can control everything—in other words, it made me a writer. So I’m not saying being a Borderline is all bad, though I am working very hard to correct it. I hope to remain a writer, even after the disorder that made me one goes away.
In short, my disorder, my lack of impulse control, made me fat. That’s what I ‘m trying to tell you. I see that now. I think that for many of us—though certainly not for all of us—issues with overeating and obesity can be traced to other, larger issues that likely plague other areas of our lives. In my case, I could not even begin to fix the weight problem until I honestly addressed the mood disorder. It wasn’t as simple as “eat less, exercise more” in my case. There was so much more to it.
A JOURNEY OF HEALING
I am embarking upon a journey of healing, with professional help, trying to get a handle on this monster on my back. And to my great delight, one of the unexpected side effects has been a healthier relationship with eating, and a loss of weight. We often say that there is a bias against fat people in our culture, but I don’t think it’s that simple. I think there is a biological basis for this inherent revulsion toward people who are obese. The physical body is truly a manifestation of our emotional well-being. People who are fat, as I was, walk around wearing their extra pounds as a flashing neon sign to others, advertising their emotional problems. Our bodies are the best barometer we have of how well we are doing, mentally. I know this statement will upset a lot of people, but I posit that most of that upset comes from the discomfort of recognizing a difficult truth.
To fix our bodies, we must first fix our souls. It’s as simple as that.
One Comment
mandy
The question of healing the ‘soul’is the subject of a book called The Wounded Heart by Dr.Dan B Allender,which I would just like to comment on here,since I tried to send these comments to Haven on the Beyond the Borderline blog (under the heading of ‘ambivalence’) mentioned on this website,but couldn’t as it was too long.Hopefully she might see it here.
I think ambivalence has a cause and a deeper meaning than just b and w thinking of borderlines.In The Wounded Heart by Dr.Dan B Allender,an extremely difficult book to read by the way as its very religiously dogmatic and demands that the only way you can heal is to completely forgive all your abusers and that if you don’t,and I quote – “…by not deeply caring for those she has mistrusted (and not cared for).the abused victim has committed the SAME sin of betrayal that,in essence,was committed against her.There is sorrow in facing the fact that we have given another person a taste of harm that once was such a bitter meal for us.(ie by not forgiving them for the abuse they did to us.)Hard to grasp that someone could ever say that eh?But my point was that even though this book tells victims they cannot be healed until they really forgive all their abusers,it does,however, have great insight into and explanations for the way borderlines etc behave.My point was to explain about ambivalence.This passage explained a lot to me (as cptsd,did,bpd)when I read it a few years back.I quote- “..The damage perpetrated in an abuse victims heart through the experience of powerlessness and betrayal is great.But the most serious blow to her is the experience of ambivalence.No other aspect of sexual abuse is more devestating to the victim’s capacity to embrace life and love in adulthood.The first two factors of internal damage are intricately intertwined with ambivalence,but the latter has the potential to produce more shame and contempt.Ambivalence can be defined as having two contradictory emotions at the same moment.
The archaic notion that a woman wants to be raped or that a child seeks out sexual contact is ..patently stupid..but the experience of pleasure in the midst of powerlessness (eg when a little girl being sexually abused by her daddy makes herself feel stronger or more lovable or enjoys the attention even though its hurting her – my words – are the reasons behind real ambivalence,which people who haven’t been abused will find it hard to grasp as it seems ‘sick’ to them and unfathomably wierd.But that is the only way these children or women can get rid of their shame and see themselves as loved and not hated so much as to be hurt so much by those ‘carers’who are supposed to love them),again,pleasure in the midst of powerlessness and betrayal sets off a profoundly convoluted spiral of damage.Sexual abuse creates destructive crosscurrents and undertows in the human soul.How is it possible to experience pleasure in the midst of agonising pain?Pleasure turns to disgust,but the initial pleasure of being wanted lingers in the soul,eventually becoming conjoined with crippling self-contempt (and shame , my words again.)Unacknowledged and undealt-with ambivalence establishes patterns of relating to others that carry past the abuse into current relationships.It is imperative to understands it’s roots.What core image of herself will a victim develop as a result of her ambivalence about the abuse to her body and soul?(Feeling the deep shame that she liked what her bad daddy or other rapists etc did to her because in not feeling that in some way she liked it, would be to admit that they did it because they really hated her and that would be soul-destroying to accept,and also she feels she ought to have liked it as they told her she was a good girl the more she enjoyed it.My words again.)
..”Sexual pleasure is both frightening and stimulating to a young child (AMBIVALENCE).Sexual arousal feels a taste of life to an empty heart.When the same pleasure is connected with the experience of being completely powerless,betrayed and used,then untold damage will occur.The inevitable feelings of both enjoyment and shame produce the anguish of ambivalence.Central to the understanding of it is the fact that the very thing that was despised also brought some degree of pleasure.The ‘pleasure’was,in most cases,the only taste of ‘life’ available to a starved child.Nevertheless,later most adults cannot forgive their body and soul for betraying them (for allowing themselves to feel any sense of pleasure in being abused when they were kids,as it would cause unbearable shame.Some abused adults never feel this,some feel it a lot,and some think they might have some sense of ambivalence – both hatred and LOVE towards their abusers and deny it every time those feelings begin to try and surface.My words again.)..”The ambivalence about pleasure helps explain the chronic sense of irrational responsibility for the past abuse.Most victims feel as if they were somewhat responsible for what occurred,especially if arousal was viewed as ‘co-operation’.As mentioned before,it is of no help to tell an abuse victim that it was not her fault.Though it is not wrong to offer this encouragement,it will not last,nor facilitate the process of deep personal change.The irrational roots of false responsibility are sunk deep in the soil of contempt,bolstered by huge guilt and the HATED AMBIVALENCE.”
That is what ambivalence means to me; much much more than the simple b and w thinking of love one minute and hate the next towards other people.Ambivalence and how much confusion and torment it causes has deep-rooted beginnings.
This book churns up very disturbing emotions if you read it as an abuse victim,because it expects the impossible of any human,but I imagine that it would be ‘useful’reading to all those pastors and preachers out there who are trying to convince their congregations full of hurt and abused people searching for an end and an answer to their pain that religion,repentance and forgiveness of others (however bad and torturous the abuse was)is absolutely imperative if healing is to occur.If you agree with this next quote,then you will probably enjoy this book –
“The enemy (of an abused woman) is the prowling beast of sin, that fallen autonomous striving for life that refuses to bow to God.The enemy is the internal reality that will not cry out to God in humble broken dependence.It is the victim’s subtle or blatant determination to make life work on her own.”
The first half of the book actually starts with very insightful comments about why abuse victims do what they do,and what ‘types’of abuse victims there are,and I found myself in all three,so I read on,avidly.But suddenly,the second half of the book jumps up and slaps you in the face,the judgement and condemnation comes like a thunderbolt.Where is this coming from?You find yourself thinking,I thought this man understood!So, if you agree with these following quotes, you’ll like this book:
“..Ultimately God wants us to see that our part (as the victim) is to face whatever will help us better love those whom we have been called to serve (our abusers).” And –
“Repentance is acknowledging responsibility to love others, a law that applies even to those who have been heinously victimised.The law of love removes excuses.The pain of love does not justify unloving self-protection in the present.The damage the victim does to others by her failure to love God and neighbour with all her being DESERVES JUDGEMENT – (and get this, my words)-that is, the JUST PENALTY OF DEATH AND SEPARATION FROM GOD.”
And Dr. Allender even says –
“GENUINE CONVICTION OF SIN,ON THE OTHER HAND,LEADS TO A SOFTENING OF THE HEART THAT DISPELS OTHER-CENTRED CONTEMPT IN THE WAKE OF THE RECOGNITION THAT WE ARE NO BETTER,(the victims)AT OUR CORE,THAN THOSE WHO ORIGINALLY ABUSED US.” That is the sum message of this book.Take it if you’re a preacher,leave it if you’ve been abused emotionally sexually or physically.