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Blast from the Past – BPD, Shame and Self-Image
This message was posted by me on the “Anything to Stop the Pain” email list way back in September 2006. The message is in response to a member’s message about another member’s husband (who has BPD). The messages in brackets [ ] are the messages of the male member speaking with the female member about her approaching her BPD husband about money. Remember, the husband has BPD and doesn’t work. When the female member approached her husband with questions about money, he blew up and told her that she was criticizing him and calling him a “lazy good-for-nothing.” The male member replied with some suggested reasons why he might rage.…
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Trade Words and thinking about yourself differently
I have starting thinking about the concept of “trade” words. What that means is that we nons “trade” certain words for other words. The purpose behind this is to re-make our ways of thinking – it helps to combat black-and-white thinking, shame and fear in ourselves. One of the concepts that I expound on in “When Hope is Not Enough” is the idea that one’s own language shapes one’s thoughts. While in that section of the book, I focus on the non-bp’s thoughts and words in relation to the person with BPD, here I am interested in how a non-BP thinks about his/herself. Here are some examples of “trade” words…
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On My Side
I often hear people with BPD/ERD say that they feel that their loved ones are “not on my side” or that the loved ones are “supposed to be on my side.” This phrase stuck out at me when I read the story about the suicide of Megan Meier (the “MySpace suicide” case), because, although I have no insight into Megan’s mental health, clearly when she was insulted and rejected on MySpace, and she was emotionally dysregulated. She came to her mother, and after her mother admonished her for the use of foul language on MySpace, Megan cried and said, “You’re my mom. You’re supposed to be on my side!” (This…
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Why Shame is Corrosive in a BP/Non-BP relationship
This is my response to someone who asked why shame is corrosive in a BP/Non-BP relationship… Shame is corrosive to a relationship because it keeps the BP or NP in “pretend mode” where they are behaving “as if” they are engaged in the relationship, but in reality their only real goal is to protect themselves from discovery. The closer you get to it, the more panicked they become. Often the shame is never revealed to others and covered up with bullshit (in the art term, not the common term). If a person is bullshitting their way through something (and sometimes they bullshit themselves too) then they are not genuinely engaged…
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The DSM-IV and Bon’s view of BPD/ERD – What’s required?
One of my commenters pointed out that the DSM-IV allows (because of the 5 of 9) for 256 different configurations of BPD. I can’t help but feel that perhaps if there are 256 configurations of a disorder, we are talking about a very non-specific diagnosis here. Perhaps we’re talking about several different diagnoses. I don’t really know. I try and address the idea of ERD (although I call it BPD throughout my book because that is the diagnosis that is recognized) in my book, with the core features being emotional dysregulation, impulsiveness and shame. I don’t think all 256 configurations would include all of those – but IMO (and I…
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The Myth of the High-Functioning Borderline
While this post is popular and many people read it, it is old. If you’d like to get a newer/different perspective go to the UPDATE: see this link. Today’s subject is the Myth of the High-Functioning Borderline. I have been scouring the research on BPD to find out if anyone in the research or therapeutic community uses this term or concept high-functioning versus low-functioning Borderline. I have yet to find any author in either the research community or therapeutic community reference this concept. It crops up in the support community (in “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and on both bpd411.org and bpdcentral.com). It also crops up in the “cross-over” community (see…