A free eBook – 4X4 for Nons
|
“Much of it comes from self-destructive behaviors that are used to stop the horrible pain of dysphoria; anxiety, rage, depression and despair. When an individual behaves out-of-control, in a manner that’s inconsistent with their beliefs or normal choices, terrible self-hate develops. Additionally many individuals had low self-esteem and related problems since childhood and are in an environment that causes self-hate to flourish.” – from the interview
Bon: I found an interview with Dr. Leland Heller about Borderline Personality Disorder. He does a good job explaining the pain associated with the disorder… Here are some excerpts. The entire interview can be read here.
Diagnosing Borderline Personality Disorder And Finding Treatment That Works
Dr Heller: Good evening, It’s great to be here. I have a way of explaining the Borderline Personality Disorder in layman’s terms that might be useful. It’s how I explain it to patients and their families.
Imagine you had a pet dog and it runs into the street and by accident it’s hit by a car. The dog’s leg is broken and it limps off into an alley to lick it’s wounds. A friend of yours sees the dog and comes over to help. The dog is now feeling trapped and cornered – a “wounded animal” – and misinterprets the friend’s attempts to help. The dog snaps at the friend’s hand who is trying to help. The BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is a malfunction in the brain’s trapped or “cornered” animal area. Under stress, a seizure develops in that area. That’s why under stress, while raging, a borderline will say to him or herself: “Why am I doing this” – yet be unable to stop it. It’s a seizure – nerve cells firing inappropriately and out of control.
David: And the cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Dr Heller: The BPD has many causes including head trauma and brain infections, but it appears that emotional hurts literally damage the brain. Most likely the brain’s support cells – the 90% of brain cells called “glial cells” – are damaged by traumas, causing the person to overreact to stress once puberty strikes. During puberty the brain’s limbic system goes into “overdrive” and adolescents are at their highest risk of seizures in their lifetime. “Sticks and stones may break my bones…but names cause brain damage.” So does incest, abuse, severe trauma, head injuries, attention deficit disorder, and other causes.
David: From my understanding, one of the biggest difficulties facing individuals who have BPD is maintaining stable relationships. This is a great cause of consternation for those people who are on the other side of the relationship. What causes this?
Dr Heller: There are a number of problems. The three most significant are 1) inappropriate mood swings; 2) misinterpretation of motives; and 3) remembering those misinterpreted motives as real. Oftentimes self-fulfilling prophecies occur, and self-hate eventually leads to a significant other coming to the same conclusion – that the individual isn’t worth being with.
…
janet: Would you please tell us more about the self-hate characteristic and how that damages the BPD or his/her relationships?
Dr Heller: Much of it comes from self-destructive behaviors that are used to stop the horrible pain of dysphoria; anxiety, rage, depression and despair. When an individual behaves out-of-control, in a manner that’s inconsistent with their beliefs or normal choices, terrible self-hate develops. Additionally many individuals had low self-esteem and related problems since childhood and are in an environment that causes self-hate to flourish.
crazy32810: How is self-injury related to BPD?
Dr Heller: We all injure ourselves to stop noxious neurological sensations. Interestingly we do it in a linear manner, ripping the skin. A common noxious neurological sensation is the toxins released with an insect bite. BPD dysphoria is about as bad as it gets. The pain is horrible. Many individuals have broken major bones and declared the pain of the fracture was nowhere as severe as dysphoria. When an individual with the BPD discovers that self-mutilation, or other techniques of self injury, work to temporarily stop the pain of dysphoria – they’ll do what it takes to stop it. This is no different than the individual with a fracture wants pain medication. I broke my shoulder last December and I tried to deal with it without taking narcotics. I was foolish and wrong. The pain was so bad it needed to be treated medically. Once individuals with the BPD have their chronic symptoms stabilized, and have safe medication options that work for dysphoria, the self-destructive patterns are no longer needed to stop their pain.
This feature is a new one that I have added to my “model” of BPD. I added it because I was attending the International Society for the Study of Personality Disorders (ISSPD) and listened to Dr. John Gunderson present a detailed model of his experience with BPD. The purpose of the presentation was to present a “real world” clinical model of BPD from the viewpoint of someone with many years of experience treating the disorder. One of the features that Dr. Gunderson provided was this “preoccupation with attachments.”
I believe this feature is born of an unstable sense of self. A person with BPD has difficulty “locating herself in the world.” While two of the other “core” features of BPD are “systems related” (meaning, those features are based on subsystems of the mind – the emotional regulation system, the impulsivity control system), shame and the preoccupation with interpersonal relationships are based more on a person with BPD’s view of herself. While it might seem that interpersonal relationships are outside of self, a more complex picture arises as we look more deeply into the mental configuration of BPD.
A recent study showed that the number one trigger of systems dysregulation (like wildly swinging emotions and impulsive behavior) is interpersonal distress. This interpersonal distress is more important as a trigger of dysregulated behavior than sweeping/major life changes – in fact major life changes, such as changing jobs, getting married, having a child – were ranked last of nine factors that trigger BPD distress. The interpersonal, moment-to-moment perception of the state of an important relationship is the most important trigger. That can be bad news for someone in a close relationship with someone with BPD. The person with BPD will be continuously scanning the interpersonal landscape for threats. Since shame is involved, people with BPD are likely to use others to regulate their internal systems and their self-view. In other words, a person with BPD uses others as a mirror to view their self.
Why is this so? I believe that a person with BPD’s lack of internal regulation causes her to internalize other people and use others to self-regulate. When someone has an inability to locate herself in the world, which very possibly arises from the emotional instability as a child, she seeks to have others locate her for her. She needs others to verify and validate that she’s “ok”. Unfortunately, because few of us are taught the language of emotional regulation, a person with BPD will likely learn that the interpersonal landscape is not safe; it is full of threats to their very self. It’s not an easy situation in which to live. If a person requires external validation and regulation, there develops a sense of a lack of control. Others are unpredictable, don’t understand how it feels and can damage the very core of her being.
People with BPD have described this internal feeling of emptiness and lack of internal controls as feeling “dead inside,” which is in itself, tragic. Extending this feeling to others through this preoccupation with close interpersonal relationships leaves a person with BPD with the feeling that others contribute to this unpleasant internal feeling. In other words, “it’s your fault that I feel this way.”
Many Non-BPD’s ask me why their loved ones with BPD don’t seem to trust them. To me, this aspect of BPD is a significant factor, along with other biological factors.
All of that being said, let’s suffice it to say that interpersonal relationships play a huge role in BPD. Social connections and attachments, including parent/child attachments, are the focus point of a person with BPD’s sense of well being. When these trigger dysregulation and/or ineffective modes of thinking and behavior, a person with BPD is lost in the world, floating free in a threatening sea of feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
One must understand that in order for the interpersonal tools to work properly, they need to be understood and applied in a step-wise fashion. I have often said to my list members that “you can’t boil the ocean” which means that you can’t jump to the end before you walk the path. You can’t do everything all at once. Instead, you have to take one small step at a time in a longer journey. The goal of all of my tools, attitudes, skills and approaches is (in my mind) a compassionate, trusting, respectful and two-way relationship in which both parties feel known, heard, understood and worthy. Achieving that goal is hitting a grand slam so to speak. Yet, I feel that a person must be given the fundamentals and practice those fundamentals before you can hit one out of the park. Emotions which are the first layer to unravel peel back from the onion that is BPD. Understanding emotions in oneself and others is vital to having a two-way relationship with someone with BPD.
When new members “wash up on the shores” of the ATSTP list, they are confused, angry, helpless and exhausted. One thing I also noticed is that new members are emotionally entangled with their loved ones with BPD. Sometimes when people speak of “boundaries,” they use the phrase “where you end and I begin.” The word boundary has many meanings, and have talked about effective boundaries a lot on this blog. Yet, this idea of “where you stop and I begin” is very important when you’re entangled in another person’s emotions. A Non-BPD must learn to heal, to unpack emotional baggage, to acquire the emotional skills to help to detangle the morass of emotional issues that may be keeping him/her in confusion and pain.
If your emotional well-being is dependent upon a loved one’s behavior, you’re in a difficult and painful situation – one in which you have little control over. This leads to a feeling of helplessness because you have no ability to direct your emotional life since your feelings are dependent on another person’s words or actions. Instead, you can state: “My emotional well-being will be whatever it will be no matter what he/she does/says.” Easier said than done, I know, especially when the other person is telling you you’re a loser or a failure or whatever other insults that may have been foisted upon you. Ask yourself: Is my emotional well-being dependent on his/her behavior?
Here’s a quote about this subject from the I-Ching which a member of the ATSTP list posted on this subject:
Here the source of a man’s strength lies not in himself but in his relation to other people. No matter how close to them he may be, if his center of gravity depends on them, he is inevitably tossed to and fro between joy and sorrow. Rejoicing to high heaven, then sad unto death-this is the fate of those who depend upon an inner accord with other persons whom they love. Here we have only the statement of the law that this is so. Whether this condition is felt to be an affliction or the supreme happiness of love, is left to the subjective verdict of the person concerned.
 Non-BPDs and self-image I have starting thinking about the concept of “trade” words. What that means is that we nons “trade” certain words for other words. The purpose behind this is to re-make our ways of thinking – it helps to combat black-and-white thinking, shame and fear in ourselves. One of the concepts that I expound on in “When Hope is Not Enough” is the idea that one’s own language shapes one’s thoughts. While in that section of the book, I focus on the non-bp’s thoughts and words in relation to the person with BPD, here I am interested in how a non-BP thinks about his/herself.
Here are some examples of “trade” words and phrase that I have either discovered or developed:
Old Word: Must
Trade Word: Prefer, would like to
Old Word: Should
Trade Word: Choose to
(from now on the old word/phrase will appear first, the trade word next – just so I don’t have to type “Old Word:” “Trade Word:” over and over again…)
Can’t
Choose not to
Have to
Want to
Ought
Had better
All
Many or most
Always
Often or typically
Can’t stand
Don’t like
Awful
Undesirable
Bad Person
Bad Behavior
I am a failure
I failed at
Anxious
Concerned
Depressed
Sad
Angry
Annoyed or frustrated
Hurt
Disappointed
Guilt
Remorse about
Jealous
Concerned about the relationship
Never
Not often
is
seems like
is
feels like
I am certainly open to more suggestions. Here are some examples when thinking about yourself:
“I must do well” = “I want (or wish) to do well”
“I shouldn’t do that” = “I prefer not to do that”
“I am a bad person” = “I did a negative thing”
“I need love” = “I want love, but not need it to live”
“I can’t stand this” = “I don’t like this”
“I am a loser” = “I lost (or failed) at a task”
|
Loading ...