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Ambiguity is the greatest threat
In 2009, I attended the International Society for the Study of Personality Disorders (ISSPD) in New York. Dr. Glen Gabbard, MD, a psychiatrist and clinician that treats people with Borderline Personality Disorder (#BPD). About halfway through his presentation, Dr. Gabbard said: “Ambiguity is the greatest threat.” He was speaking in the context of a clinician treating someone with BPD. Many studies have show that people with BPD react to neutral facial expressions as if the person is angry. People with BPD interpret neutral faces as angry. I once saw a woman with BPD view a picture of a neutral face and she said, “He’s angry with me.” Dr. Gabbard was suggesting to…
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Story about resentments from Zen
I really like the book Zen Shorts, which is a children’s book about Zen and Zen stories. There are 3 stories in the book and this is my favorite, which is about resentments and hanging on to negative feelings: Two traveling monks reached a town where there was a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. The rains had made deep puddles and she couldn’t step across without spoiling her silken robes. She stood there, looking very cross and impatient. She was scolding her attendants. They had nowhere to place the packages they held for her, so they couldn’t help her across the puddle. The younger monk…
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Ask Bon: Why does my borderline rage at me?
In the support groups, rage is one of the most talked about aspects of BPD. Why? Because it is one of the most difficult for the Non-BPD to endure. Many people ask themselves, why is this person so angry (with me)? It seems to make no sense. A person with BPD will fly into a rage about seemingly nothing. The smallest thing that is out of place or not done the way that this person expects causes sometimes hours of anger and raging, yelling and screaming and sometimes physical violence. Again, many Nons ask: “what’s up with that?” Anger and rage are usually secondary emotions to other primary ones. Sensitivity…
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A primer on Emotional Dysregulation and its role in Borderline Personality Disorder
What is important for Non-BPDs to realize about BPD-like conditions and disorders is that they have a core component in common, which is called emotional dysregulation. A disturbance to one’s emotional regulation system can exhibit itself in a number of ways, and the behavior of the borderline (a person with BPD) and the feelings of the Non-BPD are generally confused and misunderstood unless seen through a lens of emotional dysregulation. Emotional dysregulation is not a “grand excuse” to remove responsibility from a disordered person. No, it’s a “grand explanation” to explain the reflexive (yet often confusing) behavior of a disordered person. It’s a way of understanding the motivations (reflexive behavior to…
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It’s the emotions stupid
In “When Hope is Not Enough” I quote renown Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh about anger. Here is the quote: Anger is an unpleasant feeling. It is like a blazing flame that burns up our self-control and causes us to say and do things that we regret later. When someone is angry, we can see clearly that he or she is abiding in hell. Anger and hatred are the materials from which hell is made. A mind without anger is cool, fresh and sane. The absence of anger is the basis of real happiness, the basis of love and compassion. … When we are angry, we are not usually inclined…
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A Response with DBT Skills
Below is a response I gave to a member with a girlfriend with maldapative BPD responses: The purpose is really about HER and not you though. She thinks that she is not lovable and is a bad person and is shameful inside. So when you tell her or show her that she is not unlovable she feels a little better. The big problem in this dynamic is the middle steps and the assumption that she can only get validation from the outside. She needs to learn a new way to solicit what she needs without using FOG. She just knows no other way. A good way to do this is…
