Concrete Thinking and being a Non-BP

One of the biggest stumbling blocks to developing an effective relationship with someone with BPD (and for the person with BPD him/herself) is the issue of concrete thinking. What is concrete thinking? Concrete thinking is the tendency of someone to be unable to generalize about a particular subject. It is the opposite and absence of abstract thinking, in which someone can generalize. Concrete thinking is looking at instance rather than class. What I mean is that a concrete thinker looks at a particular dog and can only speak about that particular dog (instance). He/she is unable to think about dogs, mammals and animals in general (which are classes and subclasses).

I see concrete thinking in Non-BPs all the time, particularly when they first join my email support list or contact me for support. The Non is tied up in the details of their loved one’s behavior and words and is unable to generalize or understand the motivation behind them. Perhaps this line of thinking is related to the idea that Nons often feel at the beginning of the journey to effectiveness that their situation is completely unique: “other people can’t possibly understand what I have been through.” Anyway, whatever the reason for concrete thinking, it causes significant problems in a relationship.

Some sure signs of concrete thinking are:

• The focus on particular behaviors in the person with BPD and bring them up over and over.  (“She had an affair and I will never forgive her.”)
• The insistence that whatever is said is unchangeable (“But she told me she hated me!”)
• The insistence that physical or mental health issues are the only cause of behaviors (“It’s PMS”)
• Using extreme, unbending terms such as always, never, etc.
• An insistence on right/wrong, good/bad, morals, responsibility and punishment. (“She’s just evil and deserves what she gets.”)
• Inability to think abstractly, which can lead to inductive, rather than deductive, reasoning (“This dog has fleas, so all dogs have fleas.”).
• Inability to see motivations, especially emotional ones (“She told me to go and I went, but nothing changed.”)
• Focus on content, rather than context (“She is having a fit about the shower not working right.”)
• Categorizing people with a focus on innate, unchangeable traits (“He was born stupid and he’ll never change.”)
• Blame-storming. (“You made me feel that way!”)

Fighting concrete thinking is one of the toughest jobs that I have as an advocate for effective Non/BPD relationships. Many Nons (and people with BPD alike) get stuck in concrete thinking, and are unable to assess the meaning of what is said and done or, perhaps more importantly, the motivation for words and actions. With BPD, the motivation for most words and actions is emotional.

Understanding mental states of others requires abstract thinking and discerning MEANING. It requires an understanding of context, in addition to content. One of the problems with concrete thinking is that people get so caught up in the content, they cease actually discerning what meaning and intention is behind the words and actions.