The Implicit/Explicit Connection
In a Non-BP/BPD relationship, this connection is generally broken. There are too many assumptions, too much focus on the content (rather than the meaning/function), too much personalization and too much “baggage” that prevents fully mentalizing. Some of the ways that one can fully mentalize is to approach each conversation from a particular “framework,” the characteristics of which are not a complete list, but a nice first attempt):
- Being curious about the other person’s implicit situation. Ask them how they feel. (“How did you feel when he said that?”)
- Validation for the purpose of understanding implicit understandings. (“Wow, that must have made you feel awful! Why do you think he said that?”)
- Being humble and admitting “fault” where “fault” is warranted. (“Yes, I can see that when I said that it hurt your feelings. That wasn’t my intention.”)
- Being compassionate for the other person’s suffering. (“You seem to be in a lot of pain right now. What do you think would help you feel better?”)
- Seeing the situation through the other person’s eyes.
- Starting afresh in each conversation, without grievances, relationship failures, victimhood, or assumptions that this is the “same” conversation over and over again. (NOT: “Here we go again.”)
- Being fully engaged in the conversation.
- Noticing words, actions and body language that break down engagement. (“When I said that, you seem to have gotten upset. What happened there?”)
- Listen for meaning, rather than just hearing the words.