A free eBook – 4X4 for Nons
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 Today I was reading the Psychology Today blog of Dr. Steven Stosny, called the “Anger in the Age of Entitlement” blog. Here is a nice article that married people (BP, Non-BP and others) should read:
Marriage Problems: How Can I be Me When You’re being You?
By Steven Stosny on August 18, 2008 – 3:09pm in Anger in the Age of Entitlement
Most people get married because they like the way they are with their partners – loving, compassionate, engaging, supportive, sexy, and flexible. They get divorced because they don’t like the way they are with their partners – resentful, turned off, frustrated, rigid, or bored, all of which they blame on their relationship.
In the course of this death march, many go into marriage therapy to find better ways to manipulate their partners into, at best, doing what they want or, at worst, becoming who they want. The self-defeating flaw in this strategy, apart from the fact that it hardly ever works, is cognitive dissonance — the discomfort generated by holding contradictory cognitions.
In marriage, cognitive dissonance is the difference between how you would like to be and how you are. For instance, “I am loving, compassionate, supportive, sexy, etc., yet I am not these things with you.”
This aspect of cognitive dissonance isn’t bad; it can act as a motivation to be true to your deepest values, by making you behave in more loving and compassionate ways. Unfortunately, most people who divorce or go to marriage therapy choose to resolve their cognitive dissonance with something like this:
“Since I am unable to be my loving and compassionate self with you, you must be too selfish, insensitive, withholding, demanding, emotional, rigid, sick, or defective in some way.”
This ill-fated resolution of cognitive dissonance only makes you both feel like victims and sends you searching online or in self-help aisles for a checklist that validates your suffering and a diagnosis that nails your partner.
Cognitive dissonance can undermine marriage (and marriage therapy) in sneaky ways, even when you are successful at getting what you want, namely, change in the other person. If you do get what you want by changing your partner, your self-concept is reduced to:
“I am loving, compassionate, supportive, etc., as long as you do what I want.”
Do you really want this on your tombstone:
“As long as I got what I wanted, I was great to the people I love,” ?????
The irony is that the last thing you need is an externally regulated self concept, i.e., one determined not by your own behavior but by what your partner does for you. Externally regulated, your sense of self becomes totally dependent on your partner, not just for consistently doing what you want but for doing it with love and joy in his/her heart, since resentful submission is far from satisfying. Externally regulated, self-concept needs more and more validation, if not submission, from the partner to stay afloat. This sends satisfaction on a downward spiral as it necessarily destabilizes both the sense of self and the relationship.
Successful marriage is not about getting your partner to do what you want; it’s about being who you are, i.e., behaving according to your deepest values. For most people, this means being loving and compassionate to the people they love.
Happily, you have the best chance of getting your partner to do what you want by being who you are.
Consider the effects of positive reciprocity and negative reactivity. Which of the following is more likely to inspire cooperation?
1. Approaching your spouse as your authentic, loving and compassionate self
2. Approaching your spouse with entitlement and demands (even if couched in the rehearsed language of “behavior requests”)?
Marriage (and marriage therapy) run into a brick wall of cognitive dissonance when they focus on “getting your needs met,” or “getting the love you want.” They are more likely to have lasting success with focus on each of you being the partner you most want to be.
OK readers, now is the time to revisit Lindsay (I think I was spelling her first name wrong for a while there) Lohan and possible BPD. She has all of the classic signs of the disorder. I was struck by this quote:
“Sam and Lindsay are speaking,” the source tells PEOPLE. “But Sam has begged Lindsay to get help.”
“Lindsay, despite appearances, is insecure and has relied on Samantha and their relationship to build her up,” explains the pal. “Lindsay barely sleeps, which explains a lot of her behavior. She’s exhausted. She can’t even sit down for a minute without pacing around the room. It’s really sad.”
Sam is begging Lindsay to get help? For what? Well, perhaps we know. Looking at Lindsay’s case, I can’t help but see Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She is erractic, emotional and sexually confused. She has all the classic signs of an untreated person with BPD. I hope she gets help – and I hope that, if she is diagnosed with BPD, she would come out publically and say so – to reduce the stigma of the disorder.
 Lindsay Lohan and BPD?
This is my response to someone who asked why shame is corrosive in a BP/Non-BP relationship…
Shame is corrosive to a relationship because it keeps the BP or NP in “pretend mode” where they are behaving “as if” they are engaged in the relationship, but in reality their only real goal is to protect themselves from discovery. The closer you get to it, the more panicked they become. Often the shame is never revealed to others and covered up with bullshit (in the art term, not the common term). If a person is bullshitting their way through something (and sometimes they bullshit themselves too) then they are not genuinely engaged in the relationship. THAT is corrosive, especially when it is discovered and you think “was this EVER real?” That’s what leads people to think BPs can’t really love. But the bullshit is a defense mechanism to protect against mind numbing shame. In fact it could be argued that all defenses are at some level bullshit (or pretending things are ok). Still, we need them on some level to protect us from the brutal truth at times. Acceptance is not bullshit, it is taking things how they really are. If a BP can’t accept themselves as they are (and want to change) then you’re in for a steaming pile of bullshit in the form of protecting their shame – and that is no way to have a genuine relationship. Still, if they had no defenses against experiencing shame, they would all commit suicide.
 Rarely do you find an individual artist who expresses his/her emotions and pain as clearly as did Ian Curits. He was the lead singer and song writer for the band Joy Division. In May of 1980, two days before their first U.S. tour, Curtis hung himself in his kitchen. Joy Division reformed as New Order and had a major impact on dance/rock music. But Joy Division was an amazing band. Curtis’ lyrics read like a suicide note. He had epilepsy and the medication he was taking for it supposedly depressed him. The lyrics on their two albums (Unknown Pleasures and Closer) are fought with pain, shame and depression. Two years ago there was a bio-pic about Curits (“Control”) and a documentary about Joy Division. Again, rarely do you find someone who expresses his pain in such clear terms. Here is a sampling of Curtis’ lyrics:
Isolation
Mother I tried please belief me
I’m doing the best that I can
I’m ashamed of the things I’ve been put through
I’m ashamed of the person I am
Isolation, isolation, isolation
New Dawn Fades
Different colours, different shades
Over each mistakes were made
I took the blame
Directionless so plain to see
A loaded gun won’t set you free
So you say
Passover
Forgive and forget’s what they teach
Or pass through the desserts and wastelands once more
And watch as they drop by the beach
This is the crisis I knew had to come
Destroying the balance I’d kept
Turning around to the next set of lives
Wondering what will come next.
Atmosphere
Your confusion
My illusion
Worn like a mask of self-hate
Confronts and then dies
Don’t walk away
 Yesterday, I received a long and thoughtful comment about my post The Myth Of Hoovering. I wanted to respond to it, because I believe that the commenter actually misunderstood my point about hoovering and why I called it a “myth.” Certainly, I was well-aware that the post (along with The Myth of the High-Functioning Borderline) would be controversial in the non/BPD-support community. The commenter said the following about my post:
“Regarding the misinformation you mention, you’ve discounted the existence of the “hoovering” phenomenon on the basis that it’s not a conscious behaviour. In the link you provided, and in mentions of this concept I’ve seen elsewhere, I didn’t note any stipulation that the key ingredient of hoovering is premeditation. It’s merely an esoteric term to describe the behaviour that follows after the person with BPD has done something to scare off / push away their partner, and it is very compelling and sometimes very dangerous for the Non. It also mirrors the cycle of violence in cases of domestic abuse and you are dismissing the realities of countless victims who are so frequently told they should “just leave”. THIS is a shining example of ignorance. Whatever household appliance you name it after, the behaviour pattern in question most certainly does exist, in studies, interviews, textbooks, and therapy sessions, regardless of whether the person enacting it is conscious of its effects.”
The link I provided was to the definition of “hoovering” at BDP411.org. My argument against hoovering was to point out that hoovering is not a pre-meditated form of manipulation, but in reality, I should have made a more salient point about hoovering and the existence (or lack there of) of the phenomenon. The link on BPD411.org says this:
“The intent of the hoover is to get the Non back into the relationship.”
In my experience with BPs, this statement is not the case. The intent of hoovering or any behavior that a person with BPD does (when untreated and emotionally dysregulated) has nothing to do with the non. The intent to two-fold IMO: 1) to as immediately as possible feel better emotionally and 2) to confirm that the BP is not a “bad person” and deserving of love, no matter what poor behavior was previously exhibited to argue otherwise.
 When Hope is Not EnoughGet the Non-BPD book that is designed for staying and working on the relationship You see, hoovering is routed in shame (shame of the BP, not the non). The person with BPD will want to confirm to themself that the non (who supposedly loves them – of course this goes both ways) does not discover that deep inside they are a shameful and unworthy person. I mentioned the “toxic self-consciousness” mind-set when I was talking about David Foster Wallace and his suicide. Toxic self-consciousness is there so that someone can be vigilant about protecting others from discovering their shame and thus, leaving them because they are “bad” and unworthy of love. The shame element is what feeds the fear of abandonment, not the other way around. Often, nons (and professionals) talk about the fear of abandonment as the “core” of BPD, but I believe that BPD actually has 3 core features that lead to the others (including fear of abandonment, rejection sensitivity, fault-finding behavior and others). Those core features are emotional dysregulation, shame and impulsiveness. So, in the event of a hoover, the BP is fearful that you (as a non) will discover their shame and this leads to emotional dysregulation (basically, panic) which can lead to impulsive behavior (including hoovering).
Another article from BPD411.org – the “rules of engagement” can be found here: Rules of Engagement. This is actually the article of which I was thinking when I posted my previous post on hoovering. Here’s what it says:
Rule #5: If at any time the Non figures out the Rules of Engagement for BPD Land, the BPD’er must change the situation, rewrite history, and thereby purchase the Non a one way ticket back to BPD Land.
Rule #6: If Rule #5 fails, the person with the disorder must use a major hoover, promise anything, mirror the Non exactly, seduce the Non, or engage in multiple acts of what ever worked last time to convince the Non that “this time will be different”.
As you can see rule #6, does imply premeditation, since “Rules of Engagement” imply premeditation. It states that a BP will use a major “hoover” to “convince the Non that ‘this time it will be different’.” What many of these documents and posts (such as the “Ten Demandments”) imply is that the BP is motivated by and reacts to the behavior of the Non. My view on this is that a BP will react and behave completely in response to their own feelings, shame and conditioned behavior. Very little of a BP’s behavior is about the non. In the words of WHINE – IAAHF (“It’s always about his/her feelings). Why does this matter?
It matters because a Nons approach toward a perceived hoover will be different and more effective than in the past. When given the choice between “giving in” or “rejecting” a hoover – each comes with a price. The price of giving in can be your own shame, feeling of stupidity when things don’t change and/or anger at the other person for manipulating you and your feelings. The price of rejecting a hoover is (in my experience) rage, rejection, fault-finding and the “what about you?” argument that many BPs will use to deflect attention from their own shame. However, if you realize that the actual problem is not the hoovering behavior (which DOES exist, I’m not denying that), it is the feelings of panic and shame that motivate the hoovering, the act of hoovering can be faced more effectively. Meaning, if you solve the real problem (which is the emotional dysregulation and feelings of shame in the BP), the hoovering behavior will cease because the motivating factor is NOT “to get the Non back at whatever the costs” – it is to make the BP feel better and worthy of love in themselves.
As an aside, I had an experience with my cat this morning that could be seen as hoovering. This cat is not very loving (except when she wants to be). She was a stray and abused, so she is pretty shy about showing affection. I’ve had her for about 2 years. Anyway, last night she got locked out of the house all night. When I came downstairs at 7 AM this morning, she was sitting in the back window (on the outside) meowing. I opened the door for her and she ran inside and rubbed up against me, followed me around for about 20 minutes and made me pet her by pushing her head against my hand. This was all before she went to the food bowl, which is usually the first thing she does in the morning. Again, this is not an affectionate cat, normally. But she was upset and needed to have affection shown to her. After she calmed down and made sure we still loved her and didn’t abandon her, she went upstairs, climbed in the linen closet and went to sleep. My point is that even a simple animal (although cats are hardly simple animals, they have interesting personalities) undergoes emotional dysregulation and needs assurances and needs to feel better. If the point of hoovering is to feel better and to receive feedback from a loved one that you are worthy of love – what is wrong with that? I believe that in the moment, those feelings are completely genuine (although further emotional dysregulation at a later time might cause opposite behavior) and can be assuaged with emotional tools. In the case of the cat, I just had to pet her and reassure her that all was OK. Of course most cats hate vacuum cleaners, whatever the brand.
BTW, a member of my ATSTP list provided an “inside out” view of both hoovering and of the “Rules of Engagement” in her “Net Debunks” section. It is worth checking out each of these.
 When I saw the backward-carved “B” in Ashley Todd’s face last week, I couldn’t help but think about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). And one Mental Health professional actually came out and said that Ms. Todd did, in fact, exhibit traits of the disorder. Personally, I have to disagree with the experts that have “diagnosed” her with BPD. While self-injury is a hallmark of BPD, the motivation behind self-injury in BPD is usually NOT to get attention. Clearly, Ms. Todd, who was the “victim” of an attack by a black man in Pennsylvania (which later she admitted was a hoax), carved the “B” in her own cheek and she must have known that this action and the made-up story about the attack would garner a lot of attention. Yet, what I have seen in most cases of BPD-related self-injury is that the motivation is typically pain-relief and not attention-getting. The mere act of self-injury is a shameful one, and, in BPD, which already fuels shameful feelings, the self-injurer usually hides the act from others, doing it in private and on places that are not detectable by others. That’s because the self-injury functions to stop private emotional pain. Cutting oneself on the face (especially a letter on the face) would seem to me to indicate a different disorder. While it is possible that Ms. Todd does have BPD, I personally think it is unlikely.
 It was extremely sad to see that David Foster Wallace killed himself last month. He was a talented writer and an excellent observer of the human condition. Apparently, he suffered from major depression and had ceased his medications. Really sad. I was reading an article about him in the current issue of Rolling Stone and found a quote that summarizes my attitudes toward people with BPD’s view of themselves. I’m not saying Wallace had BPD – I really don’t know enough about him to say – but this view of oneself encapsulates the deep feeling of shame that accompanies BPD:
There’s good self-consciousness, and then there’s toxic, paralyzing,
raped-by-Bedouins self-consciousness. I think being shy basically means
being self-absorbed to the point that it makes it difficult to be around
other people. For instance, if I’m hanging out with you, I can’t even
tell whether I like you or not because I’m too worried about whether or
not you like me. (David Foster Wallace)
You see, I often hear Non-BPs (the loved ones and family members of people with BPD) tell me that they feel that their loved one with BPD is extremely “selfish” or very “Narcissistic.” I always try to caution them on this statement because, when someone is in pain, yes, they will tend to look inward, but it’s not selfishness or Narcissism, in my opinion. It’s the ravages of deep shame and shyness that cause people with BPD to take such a view of the world. A person with BPD will dread the judgment, punishment and/or disapproval of other people. That is the kind of self-consciousness that is present in BPD.
To further follow up on this idea, here is a quote from me to a member of the ATSTP list from about two years ago. I was responding to the “lack of empathy” that his significant other (SO) was showing toward him:
It is frustrating and part of it seems very selfish on their part. My
wife actually showed sympathy for me this morning – I had a bit of an
upset stomach, so she said “I hope you feel better” a couple of times.
Of course, initially she thought I was mad at her or something (there
was still a lingering feeling that it was about her).
I also think there’s a step beyond empathy, and that’s compassion. I
think if you look at the spectrum of understanding for other people
you have something like self-centeredness (but not necessarily
positive) – pity – sympathy – empathy – compassion. (and there’s
probably a bunch of feelings in-between. The spectrum seems to run
from extreme self-interest to selflessness, of course, I could be
wrong on all of that – just an idea. It is easy to have compassion and
unconditional love for your kids, but for your SO it can be more
difficult because there are expectations on each side of the equation.
When your SO doesn’t live up to those expectations, even if they are
simple consideration, it is disappointing. I know it is difficult with
my wife as well – some of the time. Even my kids are wary of my wife’s
behavior at times.
I wonder if our SO’s don’t have much understanding of other people’s
pain because of the judgment factor. Perhaps they believe that
with “understanding” comes a level of judgment at least for
themselves. Or it could be that they believe no one actually
understands them, so the process of understanding others is pointless.
 After learning about BPD and reading a biography of Kurt Cobain, I suspect that, if he was not a borderline, he suffered from a similar disorder. So, here is a detailed analysis of the case for Kurt Cobain having Borderline Personality Disorder.
When Hope is Not EnoughGet the Non-BPD book that is designed for staying and working on the relationship Substance Abuse
I don’t think I have to cite any references on this one. The bio I read makes it clear that Cobain was a junkie and used consistently. Also, despite his slim frame (5’7″, 130 pounds), he used far more heroin than others in his final days and his body was, for the most part, able to take it. He did overdose numerous times. Abuse of pain killers (of which heroin is one), is not uncommon with BPD (sometimes called “Bellman’s Syndrome”).
His heroin use eventually began affecting the band’s support of Nevermind, with Cobain passing out during photo shoots. One memorable example came the day of the band’s 1992 performance on Saturday Night Live, where Nirvana had a shoot with photographer Michael Levine. Having shot up beforehand, Cobain nodded off several times during the shoot. Regarding the shoot, Cobain related to biographer Michael Azerrad, “I mean, what are they supposed to do? They’re not going to be able to tell me to stop. So I really didn’t care. Obviously to them it was like practicing witchcraft or something. They didn’t know anything about it so they thought that any second, I was going to die.”
Eating Disorder (or chronic pain leading to one)
Kurt Cobain had a chronic, undiagnosed stomach disorder from which he developed an eating disorder, being unable to keep down food.
Throughout most of his life, Cobain battled chronic bronchitis and intense physical pain due to an undiagnosed chronic stomach condition. This last condition was especially debilitating to him emotionally, and he spent years trying to find its cause. However, none of the doctors he consulted were able to pinpoint the specific cause, guessing that it was either a result of Cobain’s childhood scoliosis or related to the stresses of performing.
Volatile Relationships
His relationship with Courtney Love was volatile. He also had volatile relationships with others in his band and with managers and ex-girlfriends.
Love arranged an intervention concerning Cobain’s drug use that took place on March 25. The ten people involved included musician friends, record company executives, and one of Cobain’s closest friends, Dylan Carlson. But Bassist Krist Novoselic tipped him off as he considered the idea to be “stupid”. However, by the end of the day, Cobain had agreed to undergo a detox program. Krist Novoselic drove him to the airport to catch his flight, but Cobain was far from wanting to go, in a fit of panic, Cobain drew violence and the two fought at the airport, eventually Cobain freed himself and ran through the airport lobby screaming “fuck you”, this would be the last time Krist would see Kurt alive.
Shame and Unstable Self Image
His lyrics probably do the best for this…
All Apologies:
I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I’ll take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn, freezeburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy
Dumb:
I’m not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I’m having funI think I’m dumb
Or maybe just happy
Radio Friendly Unit Shifter:
What is wrong with me?
What is what I need
What do I think I think?
This had nothing to do with what you think
If you ever think at all
Bi-polar opposites attract
All of a sudden my water broke
I love you for what I am not
Did not want what I have got
Blanket acne’d with cigarette burns
Speak at once while taking turns
And of course, there are probably twenty more examples in his various lyrics. The only other musician that I can think of off the top of my head who consistently used the words “shame” and “I’ll take the blame” is Ian Curtis (Joy Division’s lead singer who also committed suicide).
Suicide Attempts
I think these go without saying, considering his eventual actual suicide. But we know of at least one other:
Following a tour stop at Terminal Eins in Munich, Germany, on March 1, 1994, Cobain was diagnosed with bronchitis and severe laryngitis. He flew to Rome the next day for medical treatment, and was joined there by his wife on March 3. The next morning, Love awoke to find that Cobain had overdosed on a combination of champagne and Rohypnol (Love had a prescription for Rohypnol filled after arriving in Rome). Cobain was immediately rushed to the hospital, and spent the rest of the day unconscious. After five days in the hospital, Cobain was released and returned to Seattle. Love later stated that the incident was Cobain’s first suicide attempt.
 From the blog of “Random Thoughts of Self” I found a link to a British Study of Self-Harm called “Truth Hurts.” I also found a nice little image and blurb on the left side of that blog. The blurb said: “I want to be free… an attempt to relieve pain rather than inflict it…” which is IMO right on target when it comes to self-injury (Read “My Take on Self-Injury” to see why).
I recently I had a member of my email list post a message thatsaid something to the effect of “these people (with BPD) have to punish themselves” (with self-injury).Of cours, I couldn’t disagree more. More often than not, it’s about relieving pain, not causing it.BTW, I don’t self-injure, but my wife’s self-injury was my introduction to BPD.
A comment on the title of my book, When Hope is Not Enough. I’ve had several people say the book is perfectly titled and others say they don’t like the title. I decided to title it that because I believe that you need more than love to help someone with BPD and to help yourself. The problem with love is that saying “I love you” to someone with BPD can be invalidating. Saying “I’m proud of you” can be even more invalidating. And saying “You can do it” even more so. Let me explain.
Validation is about the other person’s emotions (the BP). It is not about you and your feelings. The statements of “I love you” or “I’m proud” of you are about you. A person with BP needs to learn that their emotions are normal and that everyone feels that way from time-to-time. If they feel weird or broken, healing cannot begin. In fact, the likelihood of poor (even suicidal) behavior follows those feelings. A simple of expression of your love for them could spiral into a session of self-hate. If you say, “I love you” in response to their poor self-image, a likely reaction (in their minds) is “then you’re stupid, because I don’t love me.” When someone feels like they are not able to cope, telling them they CAN cope breeds mistrust. In other words, if you express positive feelings or “positive mental attitude” statements, they are likely to not trust you, because, on the inside, they believe they CAN’T do it, and you’re not seeing their feelings for what they are.
So, love is NOT enough. What you need is skill. In the book I try to teach the skill (through attitudes and tools) necessary to start the healing – for the BP and for you.
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