Blast from the Past – BPD, Shame and Self-Image

This message was posted by me on the “Anything to Stop the Pain” email list way back in September 2006. The message is in response to a member’s message about another member’s husband (who has BPD). The messages in brackets [ ] are the messages of the male member speaking with the female member about her approaching her BPD husband about money. Remember, the husband has BPD and doesn’t work. When the female member approached her husband with questions about money, he blew up and told her that she was criticizing him and calling him a “lazy good-for-nothing.” The male member replied with some suggested reasons why he might rage. I replied to his “analysis” because I disagreed with his assessment.

I post this message here because I am doing a review of my postings and discovering content that can be helpful or relevant to the non-BPD people out there. This particular one concerns the shame, self-image and pain of someone with BPD.

[Male member of list to female member: You asked him to “modify” his behavior.  That literally means he needs to change.  And, as you wrote to me, if people feel they’re right — they’ll feel they don’t need to change.  In other words, he’s good.]

My reply: I will respectfully and forcefully disagree. No, he is NOT fine and that is his very issue. He KNOWS he is flawed, he KNOWS he “needs” to change. He is shameful about himself. He uses tools to make himself feel better – to escape his suffering. Those tools are: alcohol and drugs, cutting, suicide attempts and raging. He does this not because he is being criticized, he does this because he believes deep down he DESERVES to be criticized. What works better is to give him new tools – but doing that non-judgmentally is the key.

Jealousy has the same root as the suffering. Of course he thinks he “should be appreciated” but it ain’t because he is not appreciated, it is his deep sense of shame that he doesn’t DESERVE to be appreciated that scares the shit out of him and makes him rage. He thinks “you’re not appreciating me”, then “you think I’m a loser” and then “I am a loser”. But when you are being threatened, you fight back. He feels threatened because he is being “found out”.

[Male member to me regarding female member’s husband’s words: What about the underlying positive stuff… the “I’m hot, I’m brilliant, I’m special, I’m sexy, I’m fascinating, I’m irresistible, everybody loves me, I’m meant to be famous, etc.”  What filter is that?]

My reply: That’s the “I don’t really believe this, but I’m going to say it so you will confirm/validate it so I might start to believe it”. It is the needy, sad, shameful self, desperately seeking approval. The filter ain’t what he says, it’s what he HEARS.

BPD is an emotional disease. It is a disability. I’m not trying to let anyone off the hook here, but I think that you have assumed that everyone is slightly neurotic, but basically mentally healthy and extended that to this husband with BPD. I disagree because he has a mental illness (an emotional illness actually) and he thinks in a different fashion than you do. Inside he is profoundly shameful and dreads judgment. If anyone even HINTS at that, he blows up – either in a rage or with self-injury or with drugs or whatever. He is using those things to escape his suffering and to hide his shame from even himself. Those tools work: cutting makes the pain go away – but they are not “healthy” tools. He desperately protects that shame and when she says: “We have to discuss money” he hears: “You are a no good son-of-bitch who is crazy and lazy”. Why? Because he is disordered and has disordered thoughts. He is afraid that she can see right through him and see the shameful broken person inside.

When working with a BP, you have to think about what they’re REALLY saying and you have to think about what they’re REALLY hearing as well.