Hoovering or not? An unexpected gift from someone with BPD

Here is the text from one of my responses to a member of the ATSTP list from several years ago. I am in the process of reviewing some of the advice I have provided over the years and pulling out some of the best of those messages and those that help people understand Borderline Personality Disorder and the family better.

This particular message comes in response to an adult daughter of a mother with BPD. The daughter and her mom had gotten into a big row about 2 weeks earlier and hadn’t spoken since the blow-up. Then, an unexpected, expensive gift showed up in the mail from the mother to the daughter. The daughter was asking whether she should accept the gift and whether the girt was the mother’s attempt to manipulate her back into the relationship.

Ok, my first question is: do you think this gift is directly related to the blow up? Is she trying to make amends with you?

I ask this question because, if this is her way of apologizing to you, then you have to decide what you want in this situation. If that is the case, then what I suspect is happening is that your mother has been ruminating over the conversation and has developed a deep fear of losing you emotionally. If she does have BP, this is a very common experience. What happens with people with BP is that they think/worry about the effects of their behavior and get into a panic about losing someone forever (it’s a combo of fear of abandonment – which I believe is rooted in shame – that they will cause this abandonment – and black and white thinking – splitting – in that if something is wrong in a relationship it is OVER forever). So they try and swing to the other extreme. They FEEL truly sorry, but to you it probably feels manipulative. On other BPD websites, they call this process hoovering. Basically, the intense feelings of fear and shame the person with BPD has lead to desperate attempts to regain the relationship. The idea of hoovering to me seems a bit too calculating than a person with BPD can muster. What I mean is that they live from one intense emotional experience to the next and, at the time they decide to do whatever gesture that they do, they really feel it. They don’t usually “think it out” to make sure the outcome is what they want. They instead are impulsive in their attempts to gain and/or maintain love and relationships (and everything else).

However, you have asked what to do next. Ask yourself what you want to do with the gift, without assuming what your mother’s intentions were. If you feel you can’t accept this gift for your own reasons (not that you feel she is manipulating you), then gracefully decline the gift. If you feel you want to accept it, accept it.

Whatever you do, I suggest you keep in mind that in your mother’s mind this gift probably is symbolic of her entire relationship with you. That’s black and white thinking at work, but there’s not much you can do about it. So, when you talk to her, I wouldn’t assume that her motivations are the same as what you think they are. Instead, I’d stick to the point like this:

1) Mom, you sent this gift. (FACT)
2) Mom, receiving this gift made me feel ________. (without judgment – so happy, confused, angry, sad, fearful or whatever, but not “manipulated” or “used”)
3) Mom, I can/can’t accept this gift. If it’s can, say thank you. If it’s can’t say I feel it is more than I can take (or something). Then say, in the future you can give me gifts on holidays, however, I feel uncomfortable accepting gifts like this from you (or anyone for that matter) when there’s no occasion.
4) Mom, I really would like to continue to speak with you and have a relationship with you. Giving me gifts sort of make me feel obligated to return the favor, and I can’t really do that right now. Maybe we could just exchange emails or letters and that could help us maintain some closeness (or something – work it out in your own words, but stay away from judgment – if you get into judgment, you are going to have another blow up).