Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs

Rejection Sensitivity is the tendency to “anxiously expect, readily perceive and overreact to social rejection.” [Downey & Feldman, 1996, quoted from Baldwin, Mark, “Interpersonal Cognition”, 2005, page 83] Someone with BPD will almost certainly have this feature.

Have you ever had your loved one ask you: “Are you mad at me?” Or has your loved one asked you: “Do you like me?” over and over again. Or have they said, “You could do so much better than me. Why are you even with me?”

These questions and others like them are indications that your loved one is suffering from rejection sensitivity. Someone with rejection sensitivity will also avoid tasks, meetings or other social interactions if there is any sense of rejection implied. They are unlikely to initiate social interaction or close personal contact. Often when forced to be in social situations, someone with BPD will constantly scan other people’s reactions for disapproval or rejection. They might rely on others from whom the signals of possible rejection are less strong. In other words, they might ask you to do things for them (like make phone calls or attend meetings at school), rather than risk social rejection themselves. This adaptation to rejection sensitivity is avoidance.

When actual rejection occurs or is perceived by someone with this feature, especially when the rejection originates with someone that the person with BPD is important to them, rage and even violence can occur. The person with BPD who perceives that he or she has been rejected by a significant person (one from which they are less likely to expect rejection), the person with BPD “becomes hostile not in general but specifically in reaction to potential rejection from a significant or important person.” [Miscal, 1996, quoted from Hamel, John & Nichols, Tonia, “Family Interventions in Domestic Violence”, page 126]

This feature is closely related to shame and to the fear of judgment. In both cases a person with BPD will judge themselves harshly because of the shame (they are a bad person) and will reject themselves (I don’t deserve acceptance). Additionally (and perhaps ironically), they may lash out, rage at or abuse people who do offer them acceptance, because they feel, based on their deep seated feelings of deserved rejection, they don’t deserve acceptance. They expect rejection because they deserve rejection. In this way, the feelings around acceptance versus rejection are a “no win” situation for you – if you reject the person with BPD, they get angry, if you accept them, they may judge you as “stupid for accepting someone as bad as me.”

Bon Dobbs :: Nov.29.2007 :: Shame, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

It is important for nons to understand the difference between validation and agreement. It seems many “nons” find it difficult to use validation with their loved ones. They have this opinion that validation is “giving in” to the desires and wants of the person with BPD. Often they feel that their own needs (the non’s needs) or desires are in conflict with those of the person with BPD and that if they “give in” they lose.

Validation is not about agreement or winning or losing. Validation is about finding the truth in other people’s FEELINGS, not their decisions or behavior. The other person’s feelings are the key issue at heart here, not the behavior. If you validate properly you can attain a communication level about feelings, without giving into behavior or threats or without losing. Remember: validation does not mean agreement and does not condone behavior. Its function is to connect with another person on an emotional level.

Bon Dobbs :: Nov.29.2007 :: Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

Here’s a snippet from one of my posters in ATSTP. It does a good job of explaining boundaries: 

 Forgive me, but I feel the need to restate what Bon wrote to you about boundaries.  They are not about your partner’s actions.  They are about yours.  

In essence, boundaries are what you do with YOURSELF — AFTER the line’s been crossed.  And eventually, they become what you do to put yourself in a position so the line CAN’T be crossed.  They really have nothing to do with the “perpetrator”.

If that’s confusing, think of it this way:

1.  The law says:  Don’t go over 55 mph.  (That’s a rule, not a boundary.)
2.  A speeder goes 85 mph.  (That’s breaking a rule, not breaking a boundary.)
3.  You’re a passenger in a car while the speeder is driving.  (You’re in a dangerous situation.  Boundaries still aren’t a factor.)
4.  You tell the driver they should slow down.  (That’s a plea, not a boundary.)
5.  They don’t, so you yell at them that they should.  (That’s still a plea.)
6.  You tell them if they don’t slow down, that they’ll get a ticket.  (That’s a threat of consequences, not enforcing a boundary.)
7.  Next time they ask you to ride with them, you don’t.  (THAT’S a boundary.)

See, the thing is — Boundaries can’t be enforced, because they’re not rules.  You either do them, or you don’t.  

The idea even works in the traffic parallel.  What’s a boundary on a road?  A concrete divider.  Cars CAN’T go over that.  On the other hand, yellow lines are just rules that say “Don’t drive over this.”  So they have to be enforced.

So, how can you tell a rule from a boundary?  If you have to enforce it, it’s not a boundary.

Bon Dobbs :: Nov.11.2007 :: Boundaries :: No Comments »