I would say the impulsivity of the BPD was what drove me to jump off the bridge that day.
The day I tried to end my life
I NEVER imagined one day could change my life so drastically. In hindsight it was no different to any other; I felt depressed and suffered suicidal ideations.
However, after I had been to visit my psychiatrist who I was in regular contact with I felt particularly down. Just like any of the other times I felt this way I took the train and then walked the short distance to a well know Brisbane bridge.
I enjoyed going to the bridge because in a strange way it made me feel relaxed and at ease.
I felt strong walking across the bridge, I always thought it helped put my negative thoughts at ease because I was well aware of those who had previously jumped and plummeted the 70 odd metres to their death.
By being up there I felt I had control over my thoughts — I could calm myself and know that while I had overdosed plenty in the past, I was strong enough to keep myself safe here.
On the 3rd of November 2014 this went terribly wrong.
I had not gone there to make a suicide attempt but in a moment of impulsivity I grabbed onto the railings, hauled myself over the edge and all within a 30 second time-frame I let go and fell off the bridge into the water.
I didn’t die, and thinking back it’s really quite amazing I am still alive. On impact I broke my pelvis in two places as well as my tailbone in two places and had quite a bit of internal bleeding.
My memory after this comes and goes but I will never forget the pain of landing, being picked up by the City Cat and the days in ICU while I waited for surgery to piece my pelvis back together again. However, I am eternally grateful as this experience changed my life. I’ve been diagnosed with several mental Illnesses over the years, most prominently depression, anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder.
I would say the impulsivity of the BPD was what drove me to jump off the bridge that day. I am most certainly not promoting like-minded people to jump off bridges, but what I am concerned with is people’s lack of understanding.
Many say there is so much stigma against mental illness, however I do not believe that people’s moral perceptions and ‘stigma’ is the real issue. Stigma to me is lack of understanding. If you haven’t gone through it yourself, I can see how people don’t understand, but the only way to fix this is to talk about it.