Anything to Stop the Pain – BPD and Non-BPDs

I have been looking over the keywords that found my blog in the past few days and have noticed that I’m getting more traffic from people seeking information, self-help, advice and assistance with their borderline personality disordered partner. Here is a (small) sample of of these search terms:

helping someone with bpd
bpd crazymaking
levels of validation
“self-destructive behavior” friend
how to get bpd to go to psychiatrist
bpd communication
bpd and lying
high-functioning borderline
borderline how to convince ex i have changed
are emotions painful for bpd
invalidating environment, boundaries
advice for dealing with someone with a bpd
bpd dealing with love
borderline girlfriend
when she clearly has a personality disorder
bpd google groups
how to deal with a bpd
rejection-sensitivity
borderline rage attack
telling someone they have bpd
mental illness that exhibits rage, blaming
borderlines and lying to hurt their partner
did i give my child bpd

If you found my blog while searching on one of the above or on a similar search term, I would suggest you read my book When Hope is Not Enough (aka WHINE), because it contains answers to all of the above search terms and provides a how-to guide for solving those issues. WHINE is available for sale on Amazon and other Internet retailers. You can also buy an eBook version from Lulu.

I’d also like to respond to  two reviews of WHINE from Amazon – one negative and one positive.

First, the negative review…

Sorry, I didn’t care for this book as much as the others on BPD. The techniques were pretty much the same as recommended in “Stop Walking on Eggshells” but the technical background and reasoning behind the techniques was not as clearly discussed. Perhaps this book could be useful to someone who prefers the “lay” or non-professional approach and needs a book written in simpler terms.

OK, the techniques that I discuss are different than “Stop Walking on Eggshells” (although some of the techniques DO overlap). The main reason that my tools are different than in SWOE has to do with the fact that I present a different view of BPD focusing on three main aspects: emotional dysregulation, impulsiveness and shame. Unlike SWOE, I do not take you on a step-by-step review of the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria and, in this way, I feel that WHINE is more practical as a how-to guide than SWOE. Additionally,  I explain the techniques in DETAIL, that is, HOW to do each one, what to say and what NOT to say, etc. As an example of this surrounds validation techniques. I have flipped through SWOE and found very little on emotional validation of the BP’s emotions. There is 1/2 a page on the “triggers” of invalidation and a how a “I know how you feel” response could trigger rage (that’s on pages 113-114 of my copy of SWOE). There is some additional information that MAY be considered validation on pages 142-145 of SWOE about “Acknowledge Before Disputing;” however, this information is not detailed. In WHINE I spent over 30 pages (of a 185 page book) on emotional validation – why to do it, how to do it, how not to do it, when to do it, etc. Why? Because emotional validation is central to learning how to communicate effectively with someone with BPD.

Where SWOE spends many, many pages on boundaries and limits, the message is inconsistent. In the beginning of the introduction of boundaries SWOE says this:

Personal limits are not about controlling or changing other people’s behavior. In fact, they’re not about other people at all. There about you and what you need to do to take care of yourself. (pages 118-119)

THAT I agree with wholeheartily! However, later in SWOE we get this:

If you want the BP to change, you have to be willing to make some changes yourself if the person does not observe your limits. (page 157)

Alright, I would believe in the first part; however, the second part is what I have a problem with. My understanding of boundaries and limits are that they are for YOU and not about other people’s behavior. A person can’t “violate your boundaries” because only YOU can violate your own boundaries. If they do, your “boundaries” are not about your behavior anymore, they are about ANOTHER person’s behavior and those type of “boundaries” are really rules for the other person’s behavior. On this point (and on the importance of emotional validation) is where my book and SWOE completely diverge. (Another note creating such “boundaries” – that are really rules – is a trigger for BPD rage too).

Finally, the two books were written for two separate reasons. If you look at the subtitles of each you can see where each book has a separate purpose. The subtitle of SWOE is “taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder.” The subtitle of WHINE is “a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with borderline personality disorder.” SWOE is written to focus on validation of the non-BP (which has its place, no doubt, I got a LOT of validation out of SWOE when I first read it 3 years ago). WHINE is written as a “how-to” guide for (peacefully) living with a person with BPD. The difference is subtle, but important. A member of my Internet list summed it up rather well this way:

I want to add another thought about this…

I think when Randi [Kreger, the co-author of SWOE] wrote her book, she likely recognized the importance of
validation, but her frame of mind was on healing herself.  So, I would
venture to say that is why there was a strong bent towards validating nons.
In addition, Randi got out of her BP relationship, so she didn’t really know
what to advise those who wanted to stay.  If I was her, I don’t think I’d
even care about any of that “staying stuff”… I’d probably just want to
help the nons move on with their lives (something she was familiar with.)

Bon, on the other hand, it seems had already gotten through the stage of
being able to self-validate, and had decided to stay.  So, his focus was, of
course, on problem solving.  And the only way to be effective at that is
through validation of BPs.

Each of their situations are different, as are their target audiences
(Randi’s being X-Nons and Bon’s being Staying-Nons.)  I think they both did
an excellent job speaking to the feelings of those they could sincerely hope
to reach out to.  The audiences that are getting caught up are the
Undecided-Nons.  Those are the ones who would benefit most by reading both
books in the exact order you advise.

So, as you can see both books have their place in the life-cycle of being a non-BP. I think what you have to do it decide where you are in the life-cycle. My book is aimed at making BP/Non-BP relationships more calm without “walking on eggshells.” SWOE is not really a “staying” book – although Randi Kreger does have a new book due out in the Fall with staying in mind.

Ok, so back to the key words… if you are searching on those types of things and WANT to maintain a relationship with someone with BPD, WHINE is an excellent resource for that. If you’re searching on “i hear demon moaning in husband” or “cutting ties borderline personality disorder” I suspect you should look for a book other than WHINE.

I’ll have to review my “good review” in the next post.