Intention and Consequence

I have written quite a bit about the reason that people with BPD behave in a certain fashion. Much of the impulsive behavior is to stop the pain. Yet, the behavior can still be destructive to relationships, even when it is not the intention of the person with BPD to hurt the other person. Intention is often misread with BPD. Here is one message about that from the ATSTP list (written by me):

MANY times emotionally sensitive people will read intentions and states of mind into the other that are not aligned with reality. They might say that you’re being mean or trying to ruin their life. Clearing up intention can be a way to mentalize the interaction. That is, if my wife were to say that I did something to ruin her life I can come back with “it is not my intention to ruin your life. I’m not sure why that would be my intention. Can you help me understand how you thought that was my intention?” The purpose is to get a person to start thinking about the mental states of the other person more accurately. Consequence of BEHAVIOR is important. Intention, motivation, goals, desires, etc. of mental states is also important when you’re talking interpersonal relationships. As a friend of mine said about her BPD child: “people with BPD don’t read minds, they read INTO minds” – and because BPD is configured the way that it is (threat awareness, mistrust, fear of shame discovery and intense personalization) it is likely that the intention being read into by a person with BPD will be malevolent.

The flip-side of that idea (that malevolent intentions are misread), is the idea that if it is not your intention to hurt the other person, the other person has no “right” to feel hurt. However:

One must also remember  that INTENTION DOES NOT NEGATE CONSEQUENCE, Just because you didn’t MEAN to hurt someone with a lie, just because you felt bad about yourself and lied (or bullshitted), it still can hurt the other person and their sense of trust. Just because you didn’t MEAN to burn down the house when you were playing with matches, doesn’t bring the house back.

All people, with BPD or not, need to know that, despite intention, behavior has consequences.