Engagement without Entanglement

Is it even possible? The short answer is: yes. I see many nons hopelessly entangled with their borderlines. I don’t use the word “hopelessly” lightly. It is a difficult situation to be in and, unfortunately, in the world of human relationships, it is a natural situation to be in. One of the main issues as I see it is that we get our emotions engaged in the mix. When someone (anyone) is emotional, it is natural to “circle the wagons” so to speak. When we get emotional, other people’s intent, feelings and motivations disappear from our mind. This situation is particularly acute for borderlines. Their emotions become engaged rather quickly and intensely (see “BPD, self-regulation and others” for more detail). Additionally, we, as just regular people, have our own emotional triggers. One way that we get entangled is through assumptions of other’s mental states. We assume what the motivation of others is without ever asking ourselves (or them) what they are feeling or thinking. We rarely ask about intent. Instead, we assume that the other person is “out to hurt/manipulate/disrespect” us.

The most effective way to combat entanglement is a process:

• Don’t assume what the intent/motivation of the other person’s actions is. Ask. Be a detective, not a judge.
• Be honest and clear with yourself about which issues are yours and which are theirs.
• Understand that most people (particularly borderlines) are most often motivated by their feelings. This is why I say in “When Hope is Not Enough”: It’s all about his/her feelings (IAAHF). What that means is that the motivation of his/her actions is typically a reaction to his/her emotions and, for the most part, your mental states are not considered. In other words, you are not even on the radar screen, even though it feels (your emotions) like you’re being “hurt/manipulated/disrespected.
• Don’t focus so much on content – instead, look to emotional context. Think about what you’d feel if you were them in a given situation. Ask about intent. Ask about feelings. Validate feelings in order to get a clearer picture of the other person’s mind-set.
• Don’t defend. This is quite difficult to do. It takes time and practice. When people are attacked (or feel attacked), the natural reaction is to defend, deny (“That’s not what I meant!”) or to avoid. Instead, engage the other person’s mental states.
• Help get thinking back on track by asking for information. You can’t be a mind-reader. If you assume the other person’s mental states, you could be far off. You could assume the worst. If thinking (rather than reacting) can get back on the rails, then a true interaction can take place.
• Stay in the moment. Don’t plug in past problems, childhood issues (yours or theirs), history (“she always does this!”) or future fears (“he’ll never get a job!”). The conversation is about now.