Considering the future

I was thinking about it and discovered the following ways of thinking (there be may be more, but this is what I have for now). I am sharing this as a first look into where I am going with my latest book on achieving psychological, cognitive and emotional freedom in your life.

“If only”

If only is a way of thinking in which the person says to themselves “I would be happy or content, if only a certain thing occurred or if only I had a certain thing.” It is a way of objecting to the unfairness of the world. It is a form of projective, delusional thinking… Like, “if only I won the lottery I would be happy” or “if only my partner would have sex with me more, I’d be happy”… Etc. It is equivalent to asking oneself “If I could have one thing/state, I’d be ok”

“What if”

What if is different than “if only” because “what if” can be either positive or negative. What if can stimulate alternate views on the future and it can also be a substitute for “if only”. If used as an iterative testing framework, “what if” can help a person understand the possible outcome of variable changes. However, one must not assume the outcome of a “what if” – sometimes, because of the complexity of variable conditions, changing one variable could lead to unexpected outcomes.

“As if”

“As if” is an engagement of pretend mode in which some pretends as if they know something or something exists when they have no insight into the subject matter – they don’t get it – they merely bullshit their way through “as if” they get it.

“As is”

“As is” is a way of accepting reality as is and not struggling against that over which you have no control or that which you can not change. As is accepts that which is as it is and changes that which can be changed.

One piece of advice that I would provide to partners of people with BPD is that if you can’t accept the person “as is” and love them for what they are, it is most likely never going to work out in the long run. If you can’t accept them “as is” and consider any changes in the relationship or in their behavior as a bonus, then you are actually engaging in “if only” thinking.

Related posts:

1. Why Shame is Corrosive in a BP/Non-BP relationship
2. Hoovering or not? An unexpected gift from someone with BPD

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