A free eBook – 4X4 for Nons
|
 Rage burns and burns In the support groups, rage is one of the most talked about aspects of BPD. Why? Because it is one of the most difficult for the Non-BPD to endure. Many people ask themselves, why is this person so angry (with me)? It seems to make no sense. A person with BPD will fly into a rage about seemingly nothing. The smallest thing that is out of place or not done the way that this person expects causes sometimes hours of anger and raging, yelling and screaming and sometimes physical violence. Again, many Nons ask: “what’s up with that?”
Anger and rage are usually secondary emotions to other primary ones. Sensitivity to judgment plays a major role in the triggering of rage. The symptoms and feelings associated with BPD interact and, at times, feed each other. In the case of rage, I believe that it is fed by two other symptoms: shame and sensitivity to judgment (which is also fed by shame).
When someone with BPD feels shameful and when you (as a “Non”) criticize or judge her behavior as “bad” or “negative,” the trigger for rage is pulled within the person with BPD. Why? Because your judgment reflects her shameful feelings and resonates deeply into her core beliefs about herself. She panics that you are “finding out” that she is a bad person. She has to (at all costs) defend her “goodness.” What I have found with my own borderline is that this is the point at which she will rage and introduce the “what about you?” argument. The “what about you?” argument is a way to rage at the Non and release anxiety about the Non finding out about her shameful “badness.” Some people in the support community like to call this “projection” or “denial.” I personally don’t believe it is actually projection or denial (although there are times in which projection is clearly there). It is a form of misdirection to try to take the focus off their inner shame and refocus the discussion on you and your faults.
Nobody is perfect, not even you. When a person with BPD rages against you, you often feel very imperfect – especially if she uses the “what about you?” attack. When someone with BPD uses the “what about you?” technique she is usually deflecting blame and judgment on you. However, you experience the rage as hurtful to your very self. You find that the rage “forces” you to defend yourself against her. That is what the “what about you?” attack/rage does best. That is its intention; it puts you on the defensive and shifts focus away from her and her behavior. As I said, it is form of redirection away from the person with BPD’s shame.
One interesting thing about raging is that once the anger and raging is done, it is usually over. Sometimes the person with BPD will be exhausted after the rage and will just collapse and go to sleep. The same is the case with tired children. Sometimes a tired child will have a temper tantrum (which is a form of rage) and then, once the emotions are released, she will either go to sleep or sit placidly in your arms. The inner agitation has been released and she is done.
Adapted from the FAQ from When Hope is Not Enough
An excellent blog post from Dr. Steven Stosny, who is loved by many people on the ATSTP List, on overcoming chronic resentment.
Overcoming Chronic Resentment and the Abuse It Causes
By Steven Stosny
Created Aug 5 2011 – 7:26am
Recovery from relationships that have suffered chronic resentment is long, complex, and fraught with setbacks, whether the couple breaks up or tries to repair the damage done to the union.
Unlike anger, which is stimulated by discreet incidents or thoughts, chronic resentment is a general ego defense – the more fragile the ego, the more resentment required for defense. For those most in need, ego-defense is more important than learning, truth, and reason. Hence resentment greatly distorts thinking – through oversimplification, confirmation bias, inability to grasp other perspectives, and impaired reality-testing (inability to distinguish thoughts from reality). Over time, resentment becomes a world view or way of life. Because the resentful have to devalue others to protect their fragile egos, chronic resentment in intimate relationships inevitably leads to some form of verbal or emotional abuse and, eventually – if the couple hangs in there – to contempt and disgust.
Characteristics of Chronic Resentment in Relationships
- High emotional reactivity – a negative feeling in one triggers chaos or shut down in the other
- External regulation of emotions – unpleasant emotions are regulated by attempts to control or devalue the other
- Automatic defense systems (See ADS post)
- Power struggles – try to “win” or exert power rather than reconcile and connect
- Criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, contempt
- Walking on eggshells – both parties feel this, but typically one will internalize, second-guess, and reangle the self in vain attempts to avoid the other’s resentment or abuse
- Narrow and rigid emotional range – the parties seesaw between resentment and depression, with little emotional experience in between.
Continue reading Overcoming Chronic Resentment →
Why being a grudge collector makes you into a slave and dependent on others for justice and self-worth. Reexamining the duality of praise and blame and how people’s feelings play a roll.
 Collecting the grudges and injustices I noticed today that my wife with BPD is a grudge collector. She holds onto blame from others for a long time. Judgments made about her actions and times that she has been blamed about things (especially when she feels she was NOT a fault) are repeated time and time again in our house. I suppose she ruminates on the perceived humiliation from these incidents. She also craves recognition for her “special abilities” such as her large vocabulary and early reading skills. This morning I began to think about the duality of humiliation and praise. I believe that one is the flip-side of the other. This “two sides of the same coin” situation creates dependence on others and, in my opinion, this sense of dependence leads to shame AND to over-deserving behavior (such as excessive shopping). The dependence is an emotional one, requiring external validation (praise) and eschewing external invalidation (blame). Of course, a grudge collector is never really free from the sense of blame and by ruminating on “why did he/she blame me for something I didn’t do?” and getting angry about it, over-and-over, the grudge collector just ends up being a slave to his/her own feelings of humiliation and to the reinforced anger of being unjustly accused. The thing is… if you are a grudge collector, you are trying to change that over which you have no power to change. You can’t change the past. It must be accepted as is. You can’t change others. They must be accepted as is. When you’re offended by someone else’s blaming you, I think it says more about you than it does about them. Yeah, there’s a ton of assholes out there that will blame you for things that you didn’t do. I think most of the time that blame-storming (as I call it in When Hope is Not Enough) is hatched from their emotional reaction to the situation. That is, they are frustrated with the situation and don’t want to face the “as is”, so they go the “if only” route. “If only you hadn’t done THAT, this situation wouldn’t exist.” And that says more about THEM than it does about you.
In “When Hope is Not Enough” I quote renown Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh about anger. Here is the quote:
Anger is an unpleasant feeling. It is like a blazing flame that burns up our self-control and causes us to say and do things that we regret later. When someone is angry, we can see clearly that he or she is abiding in hell. Anger and hatred are the materials from which hell is made. A mind without anger is cool, fresh and sane. The absence of anger is the basis of real happiness, the basis of love and compassion.
…
When we are angry, we are not usually inclined to return to ourselves. We want to think about the person who is making us angry, to think about his hateful aspects – his rudeness, dishonesty, cruelty, maliciousness, and so on. The more we think about him, listen to him, or look at him, the more our anger flares. His dishonesty and hatefulness may be real, imaginary, or exaggerated, but, in fact, the root of the problem is the anger itself, and we have to come back and look first of all inside ourselves. It is best if we do not listen to or look at the person who is the cause of our anger. Like a fireman, we have to pour water on the blaze first and not waste time looking for the one who set the house on fire..
The thing is that many people, when overcome with emotions, have a tendency to focus on the situation and causes of the anger (who set the fire) vs. the anger itself. This reason is why I try to refocus non-borderlines on the emotions, not the “offense.” People typically defend against the accusations, rather than focus on the anger. Many skills can be applied to cool the anger, but defending is not one of them. Defending just fuels the flames.
 Putting out the fire of anger Instead of defending, I encourage non-borderlines to use the I-AM-MAD communication skill. It’s been a while since I elaborated on that skill, so here it is in a nutshell:
I-AM-MAD
1. Identify the emotions.
It’s best to do this with “feeling” words, like “look”, “see”, or “sound”, rather than “know” or “understand”.
Examples: “I see that you are frustrated.”
“You sound aggravated.”
“You look really upset.”
2. Ask a validating question. Immediately – combine with step 1 to be most effective.
This encourages them to share their feelings about whatever triggered them. Do not use “what’s wrong?” If you use “what’s wrong?” they will hear “what’s wrong with YOU?” Also, don’t assume you did anything wrong. Remember, IAAHF (It’s All About His/Her Feelings).
Examples: “What happened?” (most effective because it is open-ended, requires more than yes/no answer)
“Did something go wrong at work [school] today?”
“Want to talk about it?”
3. Make a validating statement about their emotion.
Validate the feelings expressed in step 2. This helps reinforce that it is natural and valid to feel what they are feeling in the situation. Again, remember IAAHF. Don’t defend against blaming or projecting. And don’t apologize at this point, even if you are guilty. (Apologies for things you are actually guilty of can come later… after they have returned to their emotional baseline.)
Examples: “Wow, it must have made you feel awful to have done poorly on that test.”
“Yes, it is frustrating when it seems that someone is taking advantage of you.”
“Yeah, that’s really disappointing.”
4. Make a normalizing statement about their emotion.
By relating the situation as common to all people or “normal” for them, this helps alleviate their stress about feeling judged or unaccepted.
Examples: “I think anyone would feel angry if they had to do that”
“I would feel the same way if that happened to me.”
“I can see why you feel that way.”
5. Analyze the consequences of their behavior.
By examining the consequences of both negative and positive behavior with the person, you help them to separate their emotional reaction from their behavior. The behavior may need to be changed, but the emotions are natural and should not be punished for.
Examples: “When you don’t ask questions about something that confuses you, I don’t realize that you are struggling, so I can’t help you. When you do ask questions though, I can either give you the information you need to solve the problem yourself or we can work together to figure out the best solution to the problem.
“When you yell at me, I feel disrespected and become upset too. However, when you speak calmly to me, I know you have respect for me, so I am able to listen to you better.”
“When you refuse to talk to me, I don’t know what else to do except give you space. When something is bothering you, it’s best to be open and honest with me so I know what’s going on and don’t make the wrong assumptions about what you need.
6. Don’t solve the problem for them.
Solving one’s own problems helps to build self-confidence. Empower the person by getting them to come up with a solution themselves. When given the opportunity in a non-judgmental setting, most people will find that they can come up with solutions to their problems. You can guide them through this process by asking helpful questions to ascertain what they need or want.
Examples: “How would you like to handle this?”
“What would help you make a better choice next time?”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
(Note: Sometimes you have to go back and forth to help them find the most effective solution. They may say, “I don’t know” or “I don’t care.” This can be tough. Go back to step one to deal with any additional emotions that become apparent.)
I stumbled across this article today about the trial of a man who allegedly killed his ex-girlfriend…. I thought some of the wording was interesting. I have marked up this article to show what I found interesting about it.
Ventura murder trial opens
By Raul Hernandez
Originally published 12:01 a.m., November 20, 2008
Updated 01:00 p.m., November 19, 2008
A Ventura woman tried break free from her killer’s grip but was stabbed more than 130 times in a deadly attack, a prosecutor told a jury today in the murder trial of 24-year-old Uriel Cruz.
Prosecutor Rebecca Day told jurors that the 2007 death of Barbarita Yvonne Luna, 25, was premeditated murder and that her alleged killer, Cruz, had been lying in wait.
“She was using her hands to push him away, but she couldn’t get out of his grasp,” Day said in her opening statement to the Ventura County Superior Court jury.
The prosecutor said Cruz and Luna were romantically involved until she broke off their relationship, and she refused his numerous requests to get back together.
Cruz is accused of stabbing Luna to death in a car in the parking lot of the Target store on Main Street in Ventura on May 11, 2007. Authorities say he drove away and was arrested later the same day by Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies in Calabasas after his relatives urged him to turn himself in.
Today, the jury saw photographs taken by Los Angeles County deputies. One showed Cruz standing next to his car with blood on his clothes and face. Other photos showed the victim’s lifeless and bloody body, slumped in the passenger side of the car.
Cruz’s lawyer, Josie Banuelos of the county Public Defender’s Office, said he never intended to kill Luna.
In her opening statement to the jury, Banuelos said Cruz has a borderline personality disorder and a history of cutting himself to relieve his mental pain. Banuelos said he bought the knife to mutilate himself and had no intention of killing Luna.
“That knife was for him because he was going to go see Ms. Luna. He was afraid he might be hearing something he didn’t want to hear, and he could cut himself to relieve the pain,” Banuelos said.
She said every interview Cruz had with detectives indicates that he told them: “I didn’t intend to kill her. Why would I kill the woman I love?”
Day pointed out to jurors that Cruz isn’t using the insanity defense in his trial.
Here is some quotes from a website that tells of anger and mindfulness:
All this material is from “Peace is Every Step” by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who
is one of humanity’s greatest spiritual resources. He was, among other things, responsible for getting Martin Luther King to come out against the Vietnam War (a very controversial move for him at the time). King nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize for his work (unfortunately futile) for peace in Vietnam. He is the author of *numerous* books, all of them lovely and wonderful, among them “Being Peace” and “The Miracle of Mindfulness”. Here’s some of what he has to say about anger:
“Anger is an unpleasant feeling. It is like a blazing flame
that burns up our self-control and causes us to say and do
things that we regret later. When someone is angry, we can see
clearly that he or she is abiding in hell. Anger and hatred
are the materials from which hell is made. A mind without
anger is cool, fresh and sane. The absence of anger is the
basis of real happiness, the basis of love and compassion.
When our anger is placed under the lamp of mindfulnes, it
immediately begins to lose some of its destructive nature. We
can say to ourselves, ‘Breathing in, I know that anger is in
me. Breathing out, I know that I am my anger.’ If we follow
our breathing closely while we identify and mindfully observe
our anger, it can no longer monopolize our consciousness.
Awareness can be called upon to be a companion for our
anger. Our awareness of our anger does not suppress it or
drive it out. It just looks after it. This is a very
important principle. Mindfulness is not a judge. it is more
like an older sister looking after and comforting her younger
sister in an affectionate and caring way. We can concentrate
on our breathing in order to maintain this mindfulness and
know ourselves fully.
When we are angry, we are not usually inclined to return to
ourselves. We want to think about the person who is making us
angry, to think about his hateful aspects – his rudeness,
dishonesty, cruelty, maliciousness, and so on. The more we
think about him, listen to him, or look at him, the more our
anger flares. His dishonesty and hatefulness may be real,
imaginary, or exaggerated, but, in fact, the root of the
problem is the anger itself, and we have to come back and look
first of all inside ourselves. It is best if we do not listen
to or look at the person who is the cause of our anger. Like
a fireman, we have to pour water on the blaze first and not
waste time looking for the one who set the house on fire…
When we are angry, our anger is our very self. To suppress
or chase it away is to suppress or chase away our self. When
we are joyful, we are the joy. When we are angry, we are the
anger. When anger is born in us, we can be aware that anger
is an energy in us, and we can accept that energy in order to
transform it into another kind of energy. When we have a
compost bin filled with organic material that is decomposing
and smelly, we know that we can transform the waste into
beautiful flowers… We need the insight and non-dual vision
of the organic gardener with respect to our anger. We need not
be afraid of it or reject it. We know that anger can be a
kind of compost, and that it is within its power to give birth
to something beautiful. We need anger the way an organic
gardener needs compost. If we know how to accept our anger, we
already have some peace and joy. Gradually we can transform
anger completely into peace, love and understanding.
Expressing anger is not always the best way to deal with
it. In expressing anger we might be practicing or rehearsing
it, and making it stronger in the depth of our consciousness.
Expressing anger to the person we are angry at can cause a lot
of damage.
Some of us may prefer to go into our room, lock the door,
and punch a pillow. We call this “getting in touch with our
anger”. But I don’t think this is getting in touch with our
anger at all. In fact, I don’t think it is even getting in
touch with our pillow. If we are really in touch with our
pillow, we know what a pillow is and we won’t hit it. Still,
this technique may work temporarily because while pounding the
pillow we expend a lot of energy and after a while we are
exhausted and we feel better. But the roots of the anger are
still intact, and if we go out and eat some nourishing food,
our energy will be renewed. If the seeds of our anger are
watered again, our anger will be reborn and we will have to
pound the pillow again…
…In order to have real transformation, we have to deal
with the roots of our anger – looking deeply into its causes.
If we don’t, the seeds of anger will grow again. If we
practice mindful living, planting new, healthy, wholesome
seeds, they will take care of our anger, and they may
transform it without our asking them to do so.”
So here is Thich Nhat Hanh’s anger meditation:
“When anger arises, we may wish to go outside to practice
walking meditation. The fresh air, green trees and plants will
help us greatly. We can practice like this:
Breathing in, I know that anger is here.
Breathing out, I know that the anger is in me.
Breathing in, I know that anger is unpleasant.
Breathing out, I know this feeling will pass.
Breathing in, I am calm.
Breathing out, I am strong enough to take care of this
anger.
To lessen the unpleasant feeling brought about by the anger,
we give our whole heart and mind to the practice of walking
meditation, combining our breath with our steps and giving
full attention to the contact between the soles of our feet
and the earth…After a while, our anger will subside and we
will feel stronger. Then we can begin to observe the anger
directly and try to understand it.
 OK, well, the other day I posted on how Pete Doherty has jumped to the top of my Celebrities with Borderline Personality Disorder (possibly, but not for sure) list. Why? Well, he just released a series of paintings done in his own blood. Let’s examine the other “evidence” of possible BPD….
(For those of you who don’t know who Pete Doherty is: he’s the lead singer of two British bands: Babyshambles and the Libertines. He dated Kate Moss and he is a regular in the tabloids in London for his erratic and criminal behavior.)
Self-Harm
Painting in one’s own blood seems to indicate self-harm. Here’s another article about Doherty’s self-harm.
Quotes from the self-harm article:
Graphic footage of rock star Pete Doherty deliberately harming himself will not appear in a forthcoming fly-on-the-wall documentary about the former Libertines’ singer, as had been feared by mental health charities.
The scenes of Doherty cutting himself with a broken bottle feature in a rough edit of the documentary, to be shown on BBC3 on Sunday 28 August. The images of Doherty slashing his chest, taken from the edit, were leaked to the national press last week, raising concerns about his mental health.
Substance Abuse
Well, duh… He’s been put in jail numerous times for drug offenses, including heroin and cocaine abuse.
Quotes:
He appeared at Ealing Magistrates’ Court to face charges of possessing heroin and cocaine.
The 26-year-old was arrested by police after he was spotted driving a speeding car in west London on 30 November.
The former Libertines singer has continually been in the headlines over his drug abuse and his relationship with model Kate Moss.
He is due to reappear at Ealing Magistrates Court on 8 February.
The prosecution said police pulled Mr Doherty over after he was spotted speeding and officers said he had a glazed look.
He was found to have three packets of heroin, with a weight of 0.875gm (0.03oz), and one packet containing 0.234gm (0.008oz) cocaine.
Inappropriate Anger
More quotes:
Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty has been fined £750 after he admitted assaulting a BBC reporter in March.
The star pleaded guilty at Thames Magistrates’ Court to kicking a microphone out of her hand outside the same court after a separate appearance.
In a statement, the 27-year-old said: “If I hurt this lady I’m sorry.”
The star, who is currently being treated for drug addiction, was also ordered to pay £250 compensation and another £200 in court costs.
Painful hand
He had previously pleaded not guilty to a charge of assault by beating after he kicked out at Radio 1 Newsbeat’s Trudi Barber.
His defence lawyer, Sean Curran, said Doherty changed his plea after watching television footage of the attack.
Indentity Issues
He’s turning to Islam? I wonder how long that will last.
Quotes:
One of Doherty’s friends said: “He’s been reading the Quran since he went into segregation. He’s got a lot of Muslim friends and they’ve been on at him for ages to study it. Now he’s on his own and he’s got time on his hands to study it.
“I’m surprised how much it has calmed him down as he was very on the edge inside. He definitely seems more chilled. He’s lapping it up and really interested in it. I think it’s helping him in there.”
Doherty has been having a difficult time since his 14-week sentence began for violating probation by taking drugs.
Volatile Relationships
 The UK hottest couple, Pete Doherty and Kate Moss, split up, after the beautiful supermodel dumped Pete, arguing she cannot stand his way of life anymore, always worrying about him.
On July 22, 2005, Pete Doherty was involved into
a street fight. British newspapers The Sun and Daily Mirror reports that Pete and musician friend Alan Wass fought with a group of Somali youths after they shouted “crackhead” at him.
Farid Khan of Supersave store in Camden Town, said: “The singer ran in pursed by six man. There was a big fight. We got them out but they hurled a brick at the door.”
Kate reportedly told friends: “I can’t go on spending day and night worrying about Pete. He would disappear without a word and I would not hear from him for days. He has to change his lifestyle. Until that happens we are finished.”
Sexual Confusion
DOHERTY: ‘I WAS A GAY RENT BOY AND DRUG DEALER’
Troubled rocker PETE DOHERTY has shocked fans by boasting he worked as a homosexual prostitute and drug dealer to fuel his drug addictions, before he shot to fame in his former band THE LIBERTINES.
The wild singer confesses he was so desperate for money to fund his cocaine and heroin habits, he worked as a rent boy and once robbed a gay client after tying him up at his home.
Dangerous Driving
Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty has been fined £300 and disqualified from driving for two months.
The 27-year-old admitted two charges of driving without insurance or a licence at Thames Magistrates Court in London.
District Judge Jane McIvor warned the singer that he faces jail if he drives without a licence again.
The rock star was arrested in November 2006 by officers who spotted him driving his Jaguar erratically near his east London home.
Shame
So you’ve got this support act, some posh bloke with a discomfited smile, slowly eating himself from the inside out from pure embarrassment. One guy with a guitar strumming idle fancies like ‘The Blue Ridge Mountains Of Dakota’, incapable of holding a note or playing a tune, and, what’s worse, he clearly hates himself for it. Pretty soon, he’ll be dead. And then he’s joined by a nonchalant Doherty in trenchcoat and hat. The place breaks out into hysteria. I’m blinded by about twenty camera phones flashing, then I’m nearly sucked under by the wave surging forward. Even Doherty, the boy in the bubble, advises everyone to move back because there’s a girl in the front whose eyes are bulging.
Suicide Attempts
Pete Doherty tried to kill himself in rehab after discovering that Kate Moss was dating a new man. British tabloids tattled that the ‘Babyshambles’ singer downed an entire bottle of pills-he just ended up making himself ill.
“He saw an opportunity to take an overdose and took it. He told me he didn’t know what the pills were but thought ‘fuck it’ and took them all,” says a NOW insider.
“He doesn’t care what drugs do to him—in fact, he likes finding out.”
“To begin with Kate was ringing him up all the time, concerned for his well-being.”
“But when Pete started to quiz her about the new guy, she was evasive and it got to him. She messed with his head.”
Impulsive Behavior
Anthony Thornton, the reviews editor of NME and an authority on The Libertines, said: ‘Pete is at a lower point than he was a year ago. He’s hit depths he didn’t even know existed. He’s not aware of how bad a state he’s in, and the drugs make it worse. He’s incredibly impulsive, he doesn’t take on responsibilities, he’s unreliable and likely to do himself harm.
Unsafe Sexual Behavior
I think anyone who was a male prostitute qualifies in this regard.
So, ole’ Pete hit just about all the categories that I applied to other celebrites. While I am not a doctor and can’t officially diagnose anyone… Pete Doherty looks suspiciously like he may have Borderline Personality Disorder (or something very close to it). And everyone, you will notice that I used mainly news articles in this analysis (with a bit of blogging, didn’t have time to look up interviews for shame – although I’ve been told he says he hates himself and he is a bad person).
Here’s his Wikipedia entry.
 Two Amy Winehouse stories came to light over the past two days. Remember, readers, Amy Winehouse is top on my list of of “Celebrities with Borderline Personality Disorder (possibly, not for sure)” – although it is likely that I will have to re-examine the list in light of Pete Doherty’s weirdness.
Here are the Amy Wino stories:
Her father wants her committed. Quotes from this article:
[her father]: “I’ve told them (medical authorities) she is a danger to herself. There is evidence of self-harming and she’s a danger to other people because she’s attacked someone.
“Obviously as her dad I will try and do what’s best for her. Unfortunately, what I think is best for her and what she thinks is best for her are two different things.”
It’s not the first time Mitch has expressed his desire to have Winehouse committed – he previously revealed his intentions in January, but hospital officials couldn’t help, because she wasn’t considered a danger to herself.
She got off the assault charge with a “caution.” Here are some quotes from that article:
A police spokesperson said on Saturday: “She has left the police station. She has been cautioned for common assault.”
Winehouse went voluntarily to the police station on Friday afternoon.
Her spokesman, Chris Goodman, said in a statement that the singer had “admitted to a common assault by slapping a man with an open hand and accepted a caution”.
The statement added: “Amy was fully cooperative with inquiries and apologized for the incident.”
The caution means that the matter will remain on her record and could count against her should she be charged with a similar offence.
Here is an excellent article about shame and BPD:
http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/drm10shame.html
The Role of Shame in BPD
© Dr. Richard Moskovitz
Can you discuss shame? Is shame not one of the most significant core wounds that must be healed in order to recover from BPD?
Shame is fundamental to the experience of anyone with BPD and is the most crucial emotion that must be addressed if recovery is to occur. Shame is often confused with guilt, but these emotions have very different meanings. Shame is about who we are, while guilt is about what we do. Shame therefore reflects more lasting beliefs about the self than guilt. When we feel guilt, we expect retribution for what we’ve done. When we feel shame, we expect contempt from others and feel contempt for ourselves.
Shame is connected with a wealth of negative self-beliefs that may include fundamental assumptions of defectiveness, the belief that one is helpless to survive alone, beliefs about physical defectiveness (“I am fat, deformed, repulsive to others), mental defectiveness (I am stupid, incompetent, inarticulate), or sexual defectiveness, and the belief that one is unworthy of the love and attention of others.
We feel shame about anything about ourselves that we would prefer others not to see. The body language of shame is about being invisible or not acknowledging being seen by others. We become small in posture by slouching or turning away. We avert our gaze from that of others, which is reminiscent of a baby covering its own eyes and imagining that it has become invisible to others. As adults, however, failing to meet another’s gaze is also a sign of submission.
We also feel shame whenever we fall short of our own expectations of ourselves, however unrealistic they may be. Impossible goals, such as the total eradication of body fat, inevitably lead to deepening shame, which in turn may be reflected in an increasingly distorted self or body image. This is the cycle of shame that fuels the compulsive self-starvation of anorexia nervosa. Shame is therefore connected with the fantasy of how we imagine we are supposed to be and obstructs our vision of who we really are.
While shame has many roots, it is a natural consequence of abuse and neglect. What all forms of abuse have in common is the contempt that an abuser has for a victim. The deeper pain of being abused is the shame that derives from being an object of contempt. Many abusers show their contempt explicitly in the form of degrading words, but all abusers show contempt by their assumption that their victim’s primary role is as an instrument for their gratification. Shame in turn results in submissiveness that tends to perpetuate the cycle of abuse.
Dr. Donald Nathanson has pioneered the study of shame and its relationship to the psychotherapeutic process. He defines four categories of learned responses to shame, which he visualizes as the four points on a compass. On one axis lies “Withdrawal” at one pole and “Avoidance” at the other. On the other axis lie “Attack self” and “Attack others.”
“Withdrawal” behaviors include various forms of hiding from others, ranging from averting ones eyes and maintaining silence in the presence of others to reclusiveness and flight. Withdrawal can lead to isolation and feelings of abandonment, confirming the belief that we are unworthy of the company of others and therefore reinforcing shame.
“Attacking self” includes a repertoire of behaviors that are designed to protect us from abandonment at all costs. These are self-negating, submissive gestures that acknowledge the superior power of another, whose presence has become important to us. This can also contribute to the cycle of abuse.
“Avoidance” includes all the behaviors that are designed to keep from feeling the shame. This ranges from the use of drugs and alcohol to obliterate feeling to the distractions of sexual indulgence, materialism, and vanity. Avoidant behaviors include a variety of things we do to cover up the defects that we imagine others see in us. They are often cosmetic in quality and serve to distract both ourselves and others from these defects.
“Attacking others” includes a repertoire of desperate behaviors that serve to belittle others as a last ditch attempt to rescue self-esteem by feeling bigger at another’s expense. The attacks may come in words or actions. These behaviors inevitably distance us from others, again raising the threat of abandonment. These behaviors also result in shaming others and pass the wounds along.
These four kinds of responses to shame are all intricately interrelated, are self-defeating, and therefore perpetuate the cycle of shame. They are behind the many impulses with which people with BPD must struggle. They are connected with the terror of abandonment that characterizes BPD as well as with the difficulty that people with BPD have in achieving intimacy.
After reviewing Mrs. Treasure’s article on BPD and Demonic Possession, I decided to read at least some of her other posts at AssociatedContent.com. I wanted to find out if she had posted more on Borderline Personality Disorder and why she decided to post on the disorder in the first place. I think she must believe that her new husband’s ex-wife has the disorder, because she wrote another article called “10 Ways to Handle a Difficult Ex? Focus on Borderline Personality Disorder” which refers to the person with BPD as “she” throughout. I’m not going to agree or disagree with the content of that article.
I also found an article called “Spiritual Glasses to Understand the Difficult Child” which was described with the question: When you get frustrated with your child, what is the most effective discipline? I was intrigued and decided to read the article.
I have to say, I was surprised by the wisdom in some of her comments. I find it interesting that what she says about children can be applied directly to people with BPD. Consider the following:
If your child is a chronic liar, parents worry and panic. The spiritual glasses allow you to see a very insecure child with poor self concept or image. Are your expectations of him too high? Why does he feel worthless? Is he bullied around by friends or older siblings?
I get more searches on this blog for “lying,” “liars,” “chronic liars,” etc. than about anything else. (Actually to be honest the most searches I get are about “celebrities with BPD” or some variant of that, but lying-related searches come in a close second.) I’d like to take her words and apply them to BPD and replace the words “spiritual glasses” with “emotional glasses.” I think if you look at a chronic liar, which many people with BPD are, you will find that one motivation for lying is a poor self image, feeling worthless or insecurity. These concepts are interrelated and spring from shame. People with BPD do have a poor self-image. Even though many nons report that their loved one with BPD is selfish or narcissistic, in reality people with BPD actually hate themselves. This feeling arises from shame as well, but the shame also arises from emotional invalidation. Mrs. Treasures doesn’t really provide a prescription for dealing with a liar, other than not to label (judge) the child as a “difficult child” right away and try to understand them and set proper expectations. The same can be said of a non’s relationship with a BP. Judging their behavior as “difficult” right away or setting expectations too high can invalidate the BP’s emotional responses. This sets up an “invalidating environment” for the child’s emotions and the effects of an invalidating environment are summarized by Dr. Marsha Linehan:
[The] effect of an invalidating environment, especially when basic emotions such as fear, anger, and sadness are invalidated, is that a person in such an environment does not learn when to trust her own emotional responses as valid reflections of individual and situational events. Thus, she is unable to validate and trust herself… If communication of negative emotions is punished, as it often is in invalidating environment, then a response of shame follows experiencing the intense emotion in the first place and expressing it publicly in the second.[i]
If a person is unable to trust herself, she can not validate herself and a “response of shame follows” emotional experiences. That is one pathway to BPD. If you punish a child for feeling inadequate, for example, if the child is lying to you because he wants to make himself feel better about himself, then you are invalidating his emotional responses.
Mrs. Treasures also say this about temper tantrums:
For your younger children showing tantrums and hitting other siblings, the spiritual glasses permit you to see a child struggling to deal with his immature emotions. The child’s frustration is his inability to communicate his feelings and needs to his siblings.
Again, if we substitute “emotional glasses” for “spiritual glasses” and “BP” for “child,” I believe she is accurately describing the state of someone with BPD. People with BPD are emotionally immature. It’s not their fault; it’s just that they were not raised in an emotionally supportive environment. They feel that by feeling emotions intensely, they are wrong and should be punished. Again, the shame comes into play. They do have an “inability to communicate [their] feelings.” Because of the invalidating environment, the BP becomes unable to trust her own emotions and becomes frustrated and angry. THAT is what fuels rage more than anything.
OK, now what do you do to counter-act an invalidating environment (with both children and BPs)? You learn to validate their emotional responses. I have quite a few examples of validation techniques on this site and if you follow this link, you can read about validation.
[i] Linehan, Marsha, Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, pg 72
|
Loading ...