Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs

I recently read about the suicide of 13-year-old Megan Meier, who, according to press reports hanged herself in her room after receiving “mean” and “insulting” messages from another MySpace user - one that was pretending to be her friend.

ABC News Report of Suicide Story

I decided to use this report to point out something important about this story. What her parents have gone through in this case is monstrously painful and I don’t, by any means, take up this tragedy to criticize her mother. I can only imagine the amount of pain and anguish her mother and father must be going through. I know if one of my children did this I’d be beside myself in grief and loss.

The reason I bring it up is because of this quote from her mother about the details of the incident:

Megan was distraught. Tina, angry about the nasty online exchanges, insisted that Megan log off the computer.

“Megan got upset with me and yelled — not yelled, but was crying and said ‘You’re supposed to be my Mom and you’re supposed to be on my side,’ and then took off running upstairs,” said Tina.

Twenty minutes later, Tina went to check on her daughter and made a horrible discovery. “I went upstairs and opened the door and saw her hanging in the closet,” she said. “And I screamed and ran over and tried picking her up.”

The key to this interchange is that Megan was distraught. Her mother could see that plainly. I find it unfortunate that her mother apparently had not be trained in validation and emotional distress skills. If her mother HAD been so trained, I suspect she might have approached Megan differently. When someone is emotionally upset and dysregulated, especially in as much pain as Megan obviously was at the time, the best approach is not criticism, but validation.

Like I said, I don’t think the mother’s (Tina’s) reaction is unusual, nor am I saying that a different response might have prevented her suicide. However, when someone is THAT emotional and “distraught” as her mother indicated, the most effective response is validation of the emotions (which is not agreement with behavior). Based on her response to her mother I see certain things: 1) She did not yell, she cried… that is sadness, not anger in her and 2) She took the mother’s response as judgmental and critical of her, at a time when she was emotionally vulnerable and 3) She felt attacked and without comfort (the “not on my side” comment). Again, before I get angry emails defending her mother, it should be stated that her mother didn’t CAUSE the original problem - that was caused by Megan’s own emotional reactions to the “mean” messages. The messages themselves (since we don’t have the full text of them) could have been vicious and nasty, but, even if they were, Megan’s REACTION to the messages - her emotional reaction - was what was at issue. By not being validating of Megan’s emotional reaction, her mother (inadvertently for certain) invalidated her child’s emotional reaction. Emotional invalidation causes despondency and shame.

I wonder what would have been Megan’s reaction had her mother validated her emotions by saying FIRST: “Wow, Megan you look so sad, what happened?” And then after finding out, she had said, “I can see how these mean messages would make you feel so sad. I think anyone who received these would feel both sad and angry. I can also see why you responded with such anger. Those messages would make me mad too.” Finally, if she’d left the “teaching/scolding” moment about the language in the messages until later - who knows what would have happened?

My point is that it is extremely important that parents, partners and friends of highly emotional people (and in highly emotionally-charged situations) learn some emotional validation skills. Again, I don’t know if it would or could have prevented Megan’s death, but if they come at the right moment, these skills can help cool down the emotions so that a child has the opportunity to make a different (and hopefully, more effective) decision.

Bon Dobbs :: Dec.06.2007 :: Odds and Ends, Suicide, Validation :: 1 Comment »

PUVAS is an acronym that comes from “Stop Walking on Eggshells” it means:

Pay attention
Understand fully
Validate emotions
Assert yourself
Shift responsibility where it belongs

Paying attention to what is being helps us avoid making assumptions.

Understanding what someone is trying to communicate may require seeking clarification so we don’t make assumptions.

Validating the emotional statements of the other person will pave the way for further smooth communications.

Asserting yourself is a form of setting boundaries and is a very important piece of the healthy communication process.

Basically, it is similiar to a combination of DEAR MAN and the GIVE skills from DBT. DEAR MAN is extremely helpful for have a conversation with someone who is emotional and to prevent from engaging your emotions yourself. DEAR MAN is:

DEAR (what to do):

Describe - describe the situation WITHOUT being judgmental. Just say what happened without making value judgments of the meaning of what happened or the intentions of the other person.

Express - express how you feel about it with an emotional word (such as sad, glad, mad or scared). Do not judge with this statement either.

Assert - assert what you’d like to happen in the future in this situation - what will not trigger the emotion you expressed.

Reinforce - reinforce means to back up the other person’s statement that moves toward what you wish. If the person says, “I’m sorry. I will try and not do that in the future.” You say, “I would really appreciate that. I don’t like feeling [whatever]. That would make me much happier.”

MAN (how to do it):

Mindfully - this is the “pay attention” part. You should be totally in the conversation and listen to the responses. However, you should ignore statements that are not addressing the issue at hand. You can also repeat your points agina until the other person fully understands what you are saying.

Appear Confident - even if you don’t feel confident discussing the point, you should appear confident. This prevents the other person from attacking or playing on your vulnerabilities.

Negiotiate - in cases where a “middle ground” makes sense, being willing to negiotiate is helpful because no one comes out the total “winner” or “loser”.

The GIVE skills are this:

Be Gentle - don’t attack.

Act Interested - listen carefully to what the other person says and the needs expressed.

Validate - use emotionally validation skills to “soften the blow”.

Easy Manner - use an easy manner and do not dominate the conversation.

Bon Dobbs :: Dec.03.2007 :: Resources, DBT-FST, DBT :: 1 Comment »