Borderline Personality Disorder,  Emotions,  Suicide

I Want To Kill You Before There Is A Chance That You’ll Break My Heart

I love him enough to want him dead. I’ve never giving my heart to anyone before and wasn’t really intending to do so ever. My plan was to plan the perfect life and live it… I didn’t really know about all the feelings I was ‘supposed’ to have for a partner. When I learned about this feeling and the vulnerability of love, I realize that it’s a dangerous game. I don’t want to play.

Bon: Interesting article from a woman with BPD…

I Want To Kill You Before There Is A Chance That You’ll Break My Heart (link)
Posted August 14th, 2010 at 3:33AM

I love him enough to want him dead. I’ve never giving my heart to anyone before and wasn’t really intending to do so ever. My plan was to plan the perfect life and live it… I didn’t really know about all the feelings I was ‘supposed’ to have for a partner. When I learned about this feeling and the vulnerability of love, I realize that it’s a dangerous game. I don’t want to play.

I don’t think he realizes that the ‘petty’ arguments and random hurtful comments, that might seem so insignificant in other peoples relationships are not so small to me. You see, now you’re my enemy, you are no longer on my side, you are attacking me. It’s now you or me and for survival I now have to take you out (if I don’t make myself my own enemy and crave my own death again). This constant cloud/battle of wanting his death vs my own is new. I think it’s because I’m in a program to no longer self harm and my intense emotions still need to be expressed and if it’s no longer inwards which was partinally to protect others from me, then I’m left with out wards now.

Sleeping beside him at night, I watch him breath in and out and the throbbing pulse of his neck, he’s so fragile in his sleep and I love him. I love him to death.

He’s not abusive or anything. His personal ‘issues’ trigger me (bpd) beyond what I can stand. We have been together about six years (broke up for one year and got back together). Having a spouse is just too risky, I get worse as I get older and I’m crazy and dangerous on my own but with him, I’m no longer just chaotic but instead I’m on high suicide risk and a ticking time bomb to his death.

He knows this, we’ve talked about it and I wont leave him and he says he can’t leave me either. So he’ll eventually cheat on me (again) and we will fight all the time and then one of us will die. It may not even happen for four more years but I can feel it and battle that anxiety of it each day (with a smile on my face because I don’t want to miss the good moments in the present or at lease don’t want him to know).

I just want him to hold me. I hate love. I hate feelings. I hate this, I’ve never been THIS before. I even find myself hoping that he’d get hurt and then he’ll need me. Or even get someone to hurt him. Sounds horrible. I’m horrible for thinking of this.

Sorry about the crazy talk but don’t have friends anymore because of bpd.

I’m rambling and he likes to do research and background checks on me and others around me and go through stuff of mine and so I’m hoping he wont hack into my account and read all my personal stuff

Me or him, me or him, me or him?

2 Comments

  • Caz

    Why does nobody get this? Is it really because BPD sufferers are that psychotically wierd?
    To me this is normal and it’s a struggle to see this as wrong.Why do BPD sufferers go from
    crisis to crisis to crisis?Because they just want to be HEARD,that’s why. They have things
    happened to them that no-one ever heard or believed and all they want is for someone to say
    “I believe you.”But they know that will never happen,so they continually test people and
    their loyalty by going from crisis to crisis to crisis.Just to be heard.Judgement is taken
    as judgement on their core personality which they were born with so it’s not their fault.Do
    people judge and condemn non-BPD’s for ‘bad behaviour’? No. But BPD has such a stigma
    attached to it that BPD sufferers have no hope but to constantly every day relive the
    condemnation and judgement of their past.That’s a real shame and merely prolongs and
    intensifies the disease.

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