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UPDATE: see this link.
Today’s subject is the Myth of the High-Functioning Borderline. I have been scouring the research on BPD to find out if anyone in the research or therapeutic community uses this term or concept high-functioning versus low-functioning Borderline. I have yet to find any author in either the research community or therapeutic community reference this concept. It crops up in the support community (in “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and on both bpd411.org and bpdcentral.com). It also crops up in the “cross-over” community (see more later) but only in a sarcastic way. The idea of high vs. low-functioning BPD doesn’t seem to hold much weight in any other community than the support community.
What do I mean by referencing these “communities”? I think that there are basically three BPD/Non-BP “communities” out there: the research community, the support community and the therapeutic community.
The research community is comprised those scientists doing medical research (and psychological research) on BPD. They publish scholarly articles and research in medical and psychological journals. Some “supposed” psychological researchers publish in the less-well-known and scientifically suspect journals (see my article about “Demonic Possession and BPD” for an example of this type of researcher). For the most part, these researchers don’t try and “cure” BPD, they merely provide data to other professionals about the configuration of BPD, the biology of BPD and the “common” features of BPD. This group of people does not differentiate between high-functioning and low-functioning BPs. In fact I have found no reference to high- or low-functioning BPD at all in any of these research papers or reports.
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The therapeutic community is those practitioners (mainly psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, other “therapists” and consultants) that try and “cure” or remediate BPD in patients. Some (very few) also serve the families, friends, spouses, children, etc. (the Non-BPs). Their purpose in life is to help the BP overcome or to effectively manage their disorder. In this group of people, I have found no mention of high- or low-functioning BPs. The only “partial” mention is that of Dr. Paul Mason, who co-wrote “Stop Walking on Eggshells” with Randy Kreger. Several of these people within the therapeutic community have written popular books about BPD, including “Sometimes I Act Crazy,” “Lost in the Mirror,” “The Angry Heart,” and “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.” None of these books, as far as I can tell, refer to the idea of high-functioning vs. low-functioning BPD. Of course, Dr. Marsha Linehan and Dr. John Gunderson are prominent individuals within the therapeutic community. Their theories about BPD have a distinct influence on how therapy is conducted with people with BPD.
The final community is the support community. This community is comprised of ex-BPs, Non-BPs and others who provide advice about how to “deal with” BPD or with someone with BPD. This community includes myself, the authors of “Stop Walking on Eggshells,” the author of “Tears and Healing,” A. J. Mahari, the proprietors of bpd411.org and others. Only in this community have I seen any mention of high- vs. low-functioning BPD.
Some individual and organizations actually straddle the support/therapeutic (or even the research/therapeutic) community split. These include: myself (at least I hope so), TARA, A. J. Mahari and others. Some of these are more therapeutic (or at least psycho-educational) like TARA. I try and be both psycho-educational and to offer support resources to Non-BPs; yet, in doing so, also try and dispel the many, many myths about BPD (where possible).
The problem with assigning either high-functioning or low-functioning to a person with BPD is that the very nature of the disorder debunks these categories. BPD is chiefly an emotional disorder (with impulse control issues). Emotions are ever-changing, like waves that carry the mind along for the ride. Whether someone is high-functioning or low-functioning at any given time will be subject to their current emotional state. If a BP is emotionally dysregulated they will adapt to that (usually) painful state in whatever way that they have learned will assuage the pain. Some people with BPD will cut themselves, take drugs, avoid situations or behave in other ways that might be considered harmful to themselves or those around them. If a BP is not dysregulated, he/she has no need to behave in these ways. The core point is that BPD is about emotional instability and no person with BPD will be always high- or low-functioning. A person with BPD will swing – sometimes wildly – between several polar ways of feeling and behaving.
I suspect many “high-functioning” BPs do not have BPD at all. I have read many, many posts on Internet boards in which the “BP” in question clearly does not have the disorder. Many times, if you read carefully, you will find that these “high-functioning” BPs are diagnosed by their (usually) ex-wives, just because the “xBPh” (ex-husband with BPD) raged or was selfish during their relationship. BPD is more than raging – and as a Non just because you’re “walking on eggshells,” it doesn’t mean that your “BP” has the disorder at all. In fact, recently the list owner of WTO (the Welcome to Oz Internet list) asked the women Nons on the list if there husbands (or, more appropriately, ex-husbands) exhibited the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Every “Non-BP” that responded to that request confirmed that their “BP” met the criteria for NPD.
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NPD (which IMO is more likely a disorder that appears to be “high-functioning ‘BPD’”) and BPD are distinctly different disorders. There may be a slight bit of overlap – deep, deep down within the psyche of the individual (and that is shame, most likely), but the basic configuration of the disorders are quite different. People with BPD do not like themselves, for whatever reason. People with NPD adore themselves, for whatever reason. That alone separates the two disorders. While people with BPD may exhibit “deserving” behavior (that they deserve love, riches or whatever), people with NPD believe that being “special” is their birthright and want to be surrounded by important or exclusive groups of people. The thing to note with BPD is that the “deserving” behavior is counter-balanced with “undeserving” behavior – polar opposite feelings and behavior that is the hallmark of BPD. So, it seems unlikely to me that “high-functioning” (or low-functioning) BPs can actually exist.
Let’s briefly look at the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for BPD and NPD , and we can illustrate the differences. First, BPD:
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called “splitting.”
- Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
- Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
- Chronic feelings of emptiness.
- Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
- Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
And now NPD:
- has a grandiose sense of self-importance
- is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- believes that he or she is “special” and unique
- requires excessive admiration
- has a sense of entitlement
- is interpersonally exploitative
- lacks empathy
- is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
- shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Clearly, these two conditions are different. Some interpersonal aspects may seem similar (#8 in BPD and #6 and #7 in NPD); however, the emotional aspect of BPD (#6) is not present in NPD. There seems to me to be a split between self-hatred and the instability of self (in BPD), and self-importance and self-love (in NPD). I’m not sure this a gulf that can be bridged sensibly between the two disorders.
Why does it matter? Well, IMO it matters a lot, because the “prescription” that is effective for BPD is not the same prescription that works with NPD (or other variants on the Narcissistic spectrum). NPD is not a chiefly an emotional disorder, and emotional tools that are so effective with BPD will not be effective with someone with NPD. Now, you might say, “My ‘BP’ is diagnosed and he/she is always thinking about his/herself.” That may be true, yet, IMO, this type of “thinking” about oneself is really experiencing overwhelming negative emotions. It is difficult for anyone to think about anyone else when they are in deep emotional pain. As I have said in the past, I have coined (with the help of others) the term IAAHF (it’s all about his/her feelings) to help represent this state to Non-BPs.
Which brings me to my final point: self-diagnosis. It is dangerous to diagnose your loved one with BPD (or any other mental disorder). Only a trained and knowledgeable (and yes, I know, there are too few of these) professional can diagnose a person with any disorder. Assuming on your own that your loved one has BPD can be troubling for the relationship (at best) and damaging to their (and your) mental health (at worst). After reading a self-help book, such as “Stopping Walking on Eggshells” (SWOE), one has to be careful to diagnose someone else with the disorder. Even my book, “When Hope is Not Enough” (WHINE), can be used to “diagnose” your loved one with BPD, but I’d like to dissuade you from doing so. Instead, I would suggest you use the tools in my book (or, for that matter, SWOE) and see if they work. If my tools do not work, I suspect either you haven’t practiced enough (it takes time, believe me, it took me 2 years) or your loved one does not have an emotional disorder. I personally tried what I learned in SWOE for months before I realized that those “tools” were not effective in my life – which is why I bothered to write a book in the first place.
If you are tempted to introduce yourself to a support group with the statement, “I am married to a high-functioning BP…,” I’d suggest you take a step back and see if your loved one has the other signs of an emotional disorder (which BPD is and NPD is not).
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Well Bon, conceptualizing ‘the problem,’ and the way out, becomes a consequence of perspective and exposure. Which leads back to the ‘can’t know what you don’t know’ paradigm. Research can only go so far based on observation and analysis. Names and concepts like Mentalization and Dialectic Behavior are all great, yet don’t offer a full understanding of the dynamics involved. And bless everyone who has devoted their time to adding to the body of knowledge. If one employs the techniques, life does get better. Yet, better is a compromise if FIXED is the real objective.
Management of the controlled illness, though better, is not much fun either, I’ve done it. Many times, the ‘closer’ relationship eliciting the moderated behavior is the facilitation of dependency…… which creates an whole new dynamic with other problems. The BPD will feel ‘safer,’ but with no tangible motivation, they are less likely to find the true self. That is the situation most HF BPD’s actually create, knowingly or unknowingly.
Mentalizing is part of the puzzle, so is the ‘behavioral chain analysis,’ as is the themea approach. I find it interesting that everyone is right, in part, all have different pieces. But, there is that elephant that no one could know, the center of the puzzle…… unless you’ve been a borderline. Then you would have had to walk away with full congnizance, have the ability to conceptualize the difference between here and there, to see from whence it came. If you haven’t been one, its like asking you to describe the void. You can’t. But every borderline I’ve ever met, will smile a knowing comaraderie, and then describe its overwhelming presence.
It’s a big concept and applies much broader than you could imagine.
Markos,
I certainly can’t answer your question regarding the factors required to actually get better. It is a puzzle and is more so for a person that is generally well-functioning in society and hides their inner feelings/self very well. I still hesitate to call this person “high functioning” because both high and low-functioning replies on external, observable behavior. The other day I was in the office of a well-know and well-respected researcher of BPD. I try to do advocacy-related things when I have the time, building awareness and understanding among the public and among mental health care professionals. Anyway, I was lamenting the fact that the most often used measurement for the effectiveness of any therapy (including DBT, MBT, STEPPS, Schema-focused therapy and others) is the reduction of suicidal ideation/attempts and the reduction in self-harm. As you know, many people with BPD do not utilize these behaviors to manage self-pain. Randi now calls these non-self-harmers (or non-parasuicidal BPs) “invisible” BPs. While I still think, based on my experience with interacting with 100s of people with the disorder and speaking with the experts in the field, that all BPD behavior is situational, I can understand how these BPs might fall through the cracks in the study of a therapy’s effectiveness. This researcher (who also has a family member with the disorder) told me that she’s like to see a therapy that can actually help BPs FEEL better on the inside. I think she hit the nail on the head. One thing that seems common to all BPs is emotional pain. Randi noted the “pain management” behaviors in all BPs and how they differed in her categories of “conventional vs. invisible.” All BPs experience emotional pain IMO. It’s the alleviation of that pain that I’d like to see as well. Without the pain, the behaviors are unnecessary and the “problems” for the Non-BPs cease to exist. I just try to focus on that pain, which is why I called this site “anything to stop the pain.”
Randi seems focused on the Non’s pain, which make sense since that is her main audience. Interestingly, that’s my main audience as well. Except that my focus is slightly different than Randi’s (from what I gather about her writings). She is more focused on stopping the emotional abuse (by any means necessary it seems). I am trying to encourage the development of a two-way compassion as an antidote to abusive behaviors. Perhaps I am misguided and there is no way to develop such as relationship with an untreated BP. However, the success that I have had and my list members have had would seem to prove otherwise. Still, it’s a fluid thing, as all of life is IMO.
I don’t have a cure for BPD. I never stated that I did. I only have a set of tools that helps point the direction of healing. It is up to each party to walk the path.
Bon
Bon, You and the researcher spoke of wanting to see a therapy to make the BP FEEL better on the inside. That is hitting the nail on the head, but not hard enough to drive it through the board and attach it the wall.
The question is, do you want a therapy to make BP’s feel good, presumably needing continuing therapy to continue feeling good. Or do you want a process wherein the BP becomes inherently good, all the time, regardless. I’m talking done. Over. Finished. Transformed. Joyful. Considerate. Loving. Helpful. Peaceful.
Okay, so you ask, who in society actually has all of that? And now we are starting to look at the real problem.
It is all about cause and affect, pain-behavior-response-response and more response. The cycle doesn’t stop until one is motivated and knows how to stop it. But, the pain is an effect of a deeper affect. And therein lies the path.
Writing about this is very difficult because of the interwoven threads, and the complex relationships forming the knots. I would love to invite you into my living room, show you where the elephant used to be, how he got there, the imprint he left, and why he is no longer there. It might take a few days, but you would walk away getting it.
I do know the path. Only the borderline can heal themselves, but most need to be taught how to do it. Being mindful is one thing, knowing what to be mindful about is quite another. Borderlines need help getting who they think they need to be out of the way. Unfortunately, sometimes those closest to the BP have to get out of the way, too.
It’s a tough road for everyone concerned, needing a soft heart, a strong arm, a very smart head, and a truckload of determination. But, it can happen pretty fast if the variables are lined up. That’s a big IF, and most aren’t willing to go for it. Like I said, for me it was one year, fixed or dead. I didn’t leave myself a lot of wiggle room.
I told my doctor friend in Germany, from the awareness she now has, 6 months of intensity and she’d have a new life. The borderline must decide it is time to be well. Then the work can begin. Until that point, most everything else is a game.
Markos,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. It is really appreciated. It’s got to be hard for you to revisit that “elephant”. Painful, I’d say.
My daughter, who has emotional regulation issues, went to therapy for 2 years. She is now done with therapy. It was skills-based and close-ended. Meaning, once she mastered the emotional skills, she was done. She feels much better now and has the tools to effectively manage her behavior (and in some ways her emotions). Yet, she’s not “cured” of emotional dysregulation or emotional pain.
Fixed or dead. Tough choices, not a lot of grey there! I think many people with BPD come to the same cross-roads. Unfortunately, too many opt for the second choice.
Take good care!
Bon
Hey Bon,
Actually, it isn’t hard to visit the elephant at all. That was then and this is now, I share with those I think it will help.
I’m so glad to know you sought help for your daughter, and she has control over her behavior. It will certainly make life easier. The state of the art does not offer a cure for her emotional issues, and that is unacceptable. The fact that your wife still struggles, is unacceptable. I feel for her. My fellow disordered wife of 30 years has watched my emergence, and is pulling herself out of her own swamp. What a wonderful life it is, to expect to have fun instead of the dread of resistance and dysregulation. There are reasons and a process for all of it, just depends on where you want to go, and what you are willing to give up to get there. Its a choice.
Fixed or dead may have been tough, and the pain of the process was unreal…. but not as bad as the prospect of remaining a borderline, and living a compromised life. I’m fixed, and free to be the caring, creative, thoughtful, passionate, and happy person I was meant to be. Life is sweet, I just wish others who suffer could know how clear the air is on the outside of the bubble…….
Markos
If you are simply trying to explain to the general online public that BPD and NP are different and illustrate that and that people are often misdiagnosed, fair enough. I agree that there are many people on forums who diagnose themselves or someone they know, and that they are probably often incorrect. I’m sure you understand, despite the slant of what you wrote above, that you yourself cannot diagnose anyone either, merely by reading a brief and sometimes second-hand description of them online. If you wrote the above article for an undergrad course in psychology, a professor would have come back with red marks all over your paper– you give no actual examples for what you’re referring to (specific examples of what you read online of “ex-wives” diagnosing their ex-husbands, etc.), and you provide no valid research or anything else for, that matter, to back up your point that BPDs are often actually NPDs. All you have is that you read some forums and from the symptoms described it seems to you– who have never met the actual person or their ex-spouse who’s penning the description– that they are NPD rather than BPD.
But this is a side point. My main issue is your argument that high-functioning Borderline Personality Disorder does not exist, and that it is instead Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Do you have anything to back this up? Any research you’ve read even, and would like to reference? Or is this too just from your interpretation of what you read on forums?
First, to your argument that high-functioning BPD does not exist: With every disorder, every intelligence, every skill, and every person there is an average (bell curve with IQ) as well as a high and a low. It is sound logic to say that everyone is not the same. Why would BPD be different? Because the emotional range is wide? Yes, the emotional range is wide– that is part of the disorder. But let’s compare two fictitious BPD examples: When Sally has an emotional down-swing she throws tantrums and cries and begs her partner not to leave, even to go to work. She occasionally, but rarely, throws and breaks a glass, though she often threatens to break things when she’s in a tantrum. Okay, then ether’s Jane, who, when in a tantrum, drinks to intoxication or uses drugs, cuts herself and repeatedly threatens to kills herself. Both women have the same fears (like abandonment) but Jane’s emotional behavior is considerably worse– more self-destructive and damaging. (If you want to find real examples of Sallys and Janes, just read some case studies.) So, while neither woman would be considered high-functioning compared to a normal functioning and non-BPD person, it is clear that Jane is higher functioning that Sally.
I consider myself high-functioning BPD. I am in my late twenties and not able to hold a job for more than several years, and I have never worked full-time. Relationships are stormy and last between-2-4 years. When I was a teenager, I occasionally cut myself, but they looked only like cat scratches at the time and there was no permanent scaring. My behavior is even-tempered around family members, co-workers, friends, and in public, and it is only the one person I’m closest to that suffers my tantrums with me. My credit is good and bills are always paid on time. I am terrified of abandonment are sometimes beg the person I’m with not to leave for work, but this happens probably once every three months. I am controlling and manipulative, and have the pattern of becoming quickly irritated and having a meltdown for no apparent reason. It could be once a day in very high-stress times, or once a month in low-stress times. I rarely break anything when upset, and I never hurt myself physically anymore. I own and successfully manage two rental properties, and I have for over five years now. I received my master’s from an Ivy League university and my lowest grade was one A-. I have all the symptoms of BPD except for the self-mutating behavior, and I only rarely mention suicide; I was diagnosed with BPD ten years ago, and it has been confirmed by several doctors since. I have not been on medication for ten years, and I’ve only attended several therapy sessions and non in the past several years.
Second, to your argument that high-functioning BPD is actually NPD: What makes you think NPDs are higher-functioning that BPDs? (More on that after.) Also, I realize that BPD and NPD have some common traits, and that BPDs can feel/act like NPDs when in certain moods, but it’s not consistent enough for BDPs to qualify as NPD. I think both disorders share a common root in childhood (some examples could include: insecure/ambivalent attachment; one parent praising them and the other directly or indirectly degrading them or expecting too much), but BPDs and NPDs coped with their conflicting external environment differently, and both have stuck with their pattern of coping since childhood. BPDs have coped by constantly seeking concentrated approval and by feeling that they both do and don’t deserve it, and part of that approval involves the person never abandoning them. They go through periods where they feel good and worthy, and periods where they hate themselves. NPDs have coped by very strongly denying that they are anything but great, and they go about this by surrounding themselves with shallow relationships (facebook is an effective tool for this) in which they receive much praise and admiration; they’ll lie and exaggerate to achieve praise and admiration, but regardless they will be convinced of it (unlike the BDP, who never fully believes or feels worthy of praise). NPDs do have down periods where they feel worthless, but they never blame themselves– it is always something external, like a spouse, or a recent move or job change. If they hit their wife and their wife then cries and calls the police, the NPD would blame the wife both for the hitting and for the stress she gave him afterwards, even using this as a reason for failing at something, like not going to work; my point s that if the NPD doesn’t have an external thing to blame their failures/impending failures on, they will create one and fully deny creating it/responsibility.
BPDs are afraid of abandonment; NPDs are afraid of others not believing that they’re great (perfect, elite, etc.). If a BDP is abandoned by the closest person to them, they will frantically try to win that person back or find an immediate replacement, then seeking a vast amount of reassurance. If a NPD is rejected by a person or a shallow group (meaning those without a deep connection, like facebook friends), they will first behave as if “surely there is some mistake” then convince themselves that the person/group wasn’t good enough for their company anyway, and quickly find replacements. BDPs seek one or few deep attachments with concentrated approval/reassurance, while NPDs seek many shallow attachments with approval spread out from as many directions as possible.
My point is that high-functioning BDP, as with any level of BPD, is very different from NPD.
And, finally, getting back to my question of why you think NPDs are higher functioning in general than BPDs. Most NPDs can only be in an environment as long as they’re receiving praise (no matter how shallow), and this means that they only function within jobs, schools, relationships, etc., as long as their need for praise/admiration is fulfilled. This leads to the same inconsistencies BPDs have in functioning. Yes, NPDs aren’t known to be suicidal, but they can be abusive even to the point of murder, which hardly seems better than BPD.
I believe you missed my point. However, that was probably my poor expression of it. What I am saying is that BPD’s level of functioning is situational, based on the level of activation of the attachment system, emotional dysregulation and failure to “mentalize” (and other mental/emotional factors, such as substance use, physical well-being). I was never arguing that BPD didn’t exist. BPD most certainly DOES exist. I believe that NPD and BPD both exist, and that their “profiles” are different. I think many people (not saying you, just people that I have come into contact with) think that rage = BPD. I don’t. I also never said NPD are “higher functioning” than BPD (or that they were “better”). All I was saying is that I believe BPD functioning is situational (based on emotional activation) and that because of the rage, people mistake any rage (including NPD rage) for BPD.
I can answer this. Yes you can have bpd and be highly intelegent. I was diog with bpd by Dr Gunderson at McLane Hospital this past year. I also have a mensa level IQ.
Does a person with BPD ever turn on a loved one as a “test” of their love? I just moved from my sister’s good side (she claims she used to worship me), to her bad side (Let’s just say she no longer worhips me!) It feels like a test, like she’s doing everything in her power to make me hate her while desparetly hoping I’ll stick around and then prove that my love is real. Am I seeing this correctly? And if so, will sticking around prove my love, or prove that she can mistreat and abuse me and I’ll just take it?
I have a saying in my book that goes “It’s all about his/her feelings” (IAAHF) which means that a person with BPD will be motivated entirely by his/her feelings at the time. This means that there is not real “test” of your love going on. She may feel upset by something and she is using you as a way to try to make herself feel better. In short, very little of a person with BPD’s behavior is about the other person at all. If you learn to deal effectively with the person with BPD, the idea of abuse and “taking it” or “proving your love” will disappear.
It’s hard to not take it personally when the attacks are on your person. When she first turned on me I used every conflict resolution strategy I know, and she just got more angry and her accusations of the wrongs she’s saying I did got more elaborate. I sped-read through your book the first day I got it and I can see now that everything I was doing “right” was really so wrong; gently pointing out facts, striving for compromise,being resonable, defending myself, etc. All the “rules” have changed. When I first got your book I was thrilled that maybe there was hope for us, but now, as I think back on how much she’s hurt me and my family and at what I would need to do to restore our relationship, it feels like too much. Maybe this is a phase I need to go through before I’m able to push up my sleeves and get back in the trenches, but at this moment, I don’t know if I can. I’m not even sure I want to. I’m going to have to reread the book and spend some time thinking/praying about this. At this point she’s completely and viciously removed herself from my life, (a complete change from the 4-7 phone calls per day) so I’ve got some time for contemplation. I struggle with wondering if I have enough graciousness to do this, and with wondering how someone can stay true to themselves through this?
I so appreciate your responding to me, thank you. I also appreciate your straight-forward approach in your book and on this site. I’ve also got SWOE, but it’s felt a lot more clinical and harder to read. Or speed read, at this point! Kudos to your readers who reviewed your book on Amazon- that’s what made me add this book to my order.
Keep in mind, Carissa, your sister does not want to feel the way she does. She has a very complicated mental illness tying her head in knots. Being able to love a borderline in a way that is consistent, regardless of what she says or does, with boundaries you can live with is the most you can do at any given time. Wanting to become well is a very scary proposition for her…… becoming who she actually is, beyond the disorder, can only be achieved when she is prepared and able to let go of who she isn’t.
Just remember, what created the need for the disordered ‘order’ of her mind, was a lack of acceptance and unconditional love. However you can extend those gifts, even in the midst of the storm, the more she will trust herself to lower her defense. It is very difficult place for anyone to arrive, she will appreciate your trying even though she can’t afford to express it.
Interesting reading your comments about high-functioning BPD. I looked over the listings of BPD and NPD. My wife is clearly not NPD. She very clearly exhibits all of the BPD criteria you list except for items 4 and 5. I believe she is so skilled at trying to paint herself in the perfect image to the outside world, that she prevents herself from acting in the manner of items 4 and 5. Her language during one of her meltdowns with me rings close to BPD, “…I feel so empty inside, like nobody cares if I’m alive or not. I feel so alone…”. It seems like this language coming from her own volition is very parallel to BPD. I guess it would show some level of self-assessment that could be inconsistent with BPDs projecting all feelings outward. Or perhaps she was trying to manipulate me to return to a closer state, as we were separated at the time?
It seems like she has exhibited all of the acts that are described as high-functioning BPD to me. Smear campaign against me, lying, manipulating, cheating, verbal abuse, portrayal of perfection to others, etc. She has slices where she has done the same to my family and friends.
I guess all of this stems from emotional pain. The sticky issue I have is labeling these traits and trying to construct a specific box around the individual. I would think there can be similar traits between individuals, enough to suggest similar treatments, but arguing over the categorization and degree of certain behaviors as to be dismissive of the existence of a problem seems counter-productive. I am not a mental health expert, but being dismissive of others’ opinions because of lack of a specified credential just doesn’t seem right. I do know my wife has a problem, regardless of categorization. Others have concluded as much as well (health care providers, her family, my family). She exhibits to a “T” the high-functioning borderline characteristics that have been described by many others. Arguing over the existence of this label could have the effect of keeping people from getting help when they and those around them need it.
PLEASE HELP!!!!
I am having real issues with my roommate, who I am desperately trying to be kind to and understand, but who is exhibiting ALL of the behaviors of NPD. It is very hard to deal with her and because of her symptoms she displays, she keeps people at bay, and so I am the only one around at the end of the day to pick up the pieces. She is constantly needing praise, is arrogant, haughty, has an ideal of what love is and should be, is a binge eater and is morbidly obese, and she honestly displays everything mentioned above according to the NPD symptoms. She has told me in the past that when she is upset or annoyed with someone, she will hold it in for months, perhaps years, and then finally lash out with unbridled fury toward people. This concerns me very much as I would be completely unaware of her true feelings toward me and I fear she could lash out at me if I were to annoy or bother her over the course of a few months/years. She lives two states away from her immediate family and has no connection to them except for by phone, etc.
Of course, I cannot ever be certain if she is actually NPD because she is only my roommate and it was suggested that it wouldn’t be wise to alert someone of this kind of disorder, but how would I handle this situation sensitively? Should I ask her to move out and suggest she seek help? Her personality is so abrasive, but in a passive way for the most part. She doesn’t understand social cues, non-verbal communication, etc. I am a teacher of students with disabilities and also work closely with those who are high functioning autistic, so I have some background in identifying those with high functioning autism, but I believe she is more borderline autistic and more NPD. She is truly pushing me away, but I feel a great deal of guilt and sadness when I think of asking her to move out. Will she lash out at me? Will she become suicidal? She really doesn’t have anyone to help her, except uncles or aunts and I know, for a fact, that she drives them all crazy. I am a very religious person and feel I can do her a service, but how? Should I talk to my pastor/minister and seek advice?
I have really been trying to pin down why my roommate is so “different” from other people, did some more digging past just “high functioning autism” and found this sight. I am at my wit’s end. Can someone please give me some frank, constructive advice? Should I ask her to move out before I say things I will regret that may harm her rather than do her good? HELP!!!!!