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Archive for the 'Mindfulness' Category

Some resources on the web

I have discovered some resources on the web that may help those with BPD (and those nons who are in a relationship with someone with BPD). These resources are:

Mass General Hospital Mood Charting (thanks to Tides…)

DBT Skills Help:

Emotional Regulation Skills… from dbtselfhelp.com … from Borderline Personality From the Inside Out

Mindfulness Skills… from dbtselfhelp.com

Distress Tolerance Skills… from dbtselfhelp.com

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills… from dbtselfhelp.com

DBT Family Skills Training… from middle-path.org

You can gain access to more DBT resources, to other pertinent files, and to advice from me and other group members by joining the ATSTP (Anything to Stop the Pain) Google Email List.

The Nature of Hope

Hoping for a Better FutureSeveral years ago I read Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh (see Reading List for purchasing this book). I have often found a quote on the Internet in quote databases and such from this book which says:

Hope is important, because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear.

But the funny thing is, this quote is taken out of context. This quote is from a longer one called “Hope as an Obstacle.” A more complete quote is this one (emphasis is mine):

Hope is important, because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today. But that is the most that hope can do for us - to make some hardship lighter. When I think deeply about the nature of hope, I see something tragic. Since we cling to our hope in the future, we do not focus our energies and capabilities on the present moment. We use hope to believe something better will happen in the future, that we will arrive at peace, or the Kingdom of God. Hope becomes a kind of obstacle. If you can refrain from hoping, you can bring yourself entirely into the present moment and discover the joy that is already here.

Enlightenment, peace, and joy will not be granted by someone else. The well is within us, and if we dig deeply in the present moment, the water will spring forth. We must go back to the present moment in order to be really alive. When we practice conscious breathing, we practice going back to the present moment where everything is happening.

Western civilization places so much emphasis on the idea of hope that we sacrifice the present moment. Hope is for the future. It cannot help us discover joy, peace, or enlightenment in the present moment. Many religions are based on the notion of hope, and this teaching about refraining from hope may create a strong reaction. But the shock can bring about something important. I do not mean that you should not have hope, but that hope is not enough. Hope can create an obstacle for you, and if you dwell in the energy of hope, you will not bring yourself back entirely into the present moment. If you re-channel those energies into being aware of what is going on in the present moment, you will be able to make a breakthrough and discover joy and peace right in the present moment, inside of yourself and all around you.

- Peace Is Every Step (1991)

In the context of BPD, I take this as hoping for something to happen which will not happen without recognizing the current situation. In other words, you are hoping for something you wish to happen while ignore what actually IS. I would suggest that in this context hope is a form of “magic thinking” or “wishful thinking” and, without work and practice of effective skills, that hope is empty. Acceptance of the current situation is the first step toward change.

Update! A new version of my book is out!

I have created a new version of my book, which fixes some typos and clarifies some points. I also was able to drop the price! It’s now $19.95, instead of $20.95. Since it got 3 pages shorter, I will be able to make a decent profit at the lower price. That price anticipates the cost it will have to be when I get it on Amazon (shortly).

Anyway, I suggest you check out the preview, and pick up a copy (shameless self-promotion). You can see the preview or buy the printed or downloadable version of When Love is Not Enough at Lulu.com.

If you are one of my readers with BPD, I would suggest getting a copy for anyone with whom you’d like to have an on-going relationship. Why? Because this book teaches a “Non-BP” the attitudes and tools to be more effective and more validating toward someone with BPD. The purpose is to rebuild the lines of communication. Like I said in a previous post (or comment), if I can quote myself here:

The BP/Non-BP relationship seems to me to be one of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I hope that I can help each learn the language of the other. And I agree most public awareness is important - BUT it has to be the right kind of awareness - not the “stay away from these people” or “these people are evil” kind.

Enjoy!

The Book is Out! When Love is Not Enough…

When Love is Not EnoughAt long last (about six months of work and 2 1/2 years of research, experimentation and practice), my first book When Love is Not Enough (WLINE) has been published!

This book is a quick-start, how-to guide for Non-BPs. It spells out step-by-step WHAT to do in your relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD traits) and HOW to do it. Unlike other books on this subject (you guys probably know which ones I’m talking about), WLINE tells EXACTLY what to do. Through the use of attitudes and tools, WLINE can help you build mastery over your relationship, regain control of your life and develop a deeper understanding of your BP loved one. I highly recommend it (if I do say so myself).

Although WLINE is fairly short (about 185 pages), it is packed full insights, advice and practical skills to help you understand your BP and to reestablish the lines of communication. If you are a Non-BP, WLINE is an essential resource. If you have BPD, I would recommend that you recommend WLINE to your family members, partners and friends (that is, if they are aware of your disorder). WLINE helps to build the bridge of understanding, serenity and effective communication between Nons and BPs.

It could be the most effective $20.95 you’ve ever spent.

If you’d like to buy a printed or eBook copy of WLINE, I am selling the book through Lulu:

Buy the Book!

A note on the title… I kicked around a number of titles before settling on this one. It is my feeling that most Nons don’t understand that, in addition to love, they have to develop ATTITUDES and SKILLS to be effective in their relationship with a BP. WLINE actually innumerates these attitudes and skills and provides detailed examples of how to apply them. With a commitment to the relationship, application of the concepts in the book and PRACTICE, a Non can learn what IS enough in their relationship with a BP.

Ruminating, Mindfulness and BPD

Ruminating is a form of extended worryRuminating is the name I have given to the propensity of BPs to have “worry thoughts” about events and to turn them over-and-over in their mind. These events are usually in the past, although sometimes they can be about the possibly of future events linked with past events. Ruminating is an extended form of worry and anxiety in which the sufferer will examine events with an eye to find malignant intentions of others or judgments of themselves. Ruminating can lead to paranoia regarding the intentions of others.

When emotionally dysregulated a person with BPD is experiencing strong emotions in the moment, but the meaning of those emotions is almost always linked to something in the past that they are angry about or something in the future that they fear. This is an aspect of “ruminating.” It is a thought pattern that turns things over-and-over in their mind, looking for danger or embarrassment in situations. It is very “not in the moment.”

Often, the ruminating will extend over long periods of time, from hours to days, and will cause the person with BPD to look for hostile meanings to interactions with others. During this “search for meaning” the person with BPD may ask others about what they meant by certain actions or words while clearly implying that the BP believes that the other person is judging them or angry at them. Ruminating is a form of personalization and fear of judgment. The person with BPD will likely feel that situations which are not “about them” are, in fact, not only “about them” but are exclusively about how they feel about the situation.

Ruminating can lead to emotional reasoning – the situation in which a person’s feelings equal actual facts. If they feel that there is a malicious intent or a negative judgment in a given situation, there MUST be one and ruminating is a method of finding this negative and/or judgmental meaning. Ruminating most often occurs when a person with BPD either has time on their hands or is bored. It also can occur as the person with BPD tries and fails to fall asleep.
Ruminating can be combated with distraction with something the BP enjoys and engages their mind. Physical activities are a good salve for ruminating. Mindfulness, which is a component of DBT, also helps stop ruminating because the point of mindfulness is to be “in the moment” and not consider past or future events.

Interview Podcast and Transcript with Marsha Linehan

Here is a link to a podcast interview with Dr. Marsha Linehan, the inventor of DBT. It is amazing. It has many technical, therapist-focused things in it, but it is definately worth listening to: Marsha Linehan Interview

You can read the transcript here. 

Mindfulness and Acceptance

I found this in the Amazon blog of the guy who was the editor of the
Mindfulness and Acceptance book…

(snip)
Acceptance, mindfulness, values - how do we use them in dealing with
our emotions? We need to:

Learn to accept our feelings, without being dictated to by them and
without quickly acting to remove ones we do not like. Trying to get
rid of feelings only drives them underground, while simultaneously
giving them more capacity to control behavior without our awareness.
Acceptance of emotion requires another step, however.

Learn to watch our thoughts, without reflexively adopting the
worldview mindlessly structured by them. Thoughts are easily
programmed, and they are nothing to be right about - or wrong about.
They are just thoughts. Some of those thoughts will not be attractive,
because they are constantly being programmed by sources we do not
control. We will hear in our own minds the echoes of judgment, bias or
prejudice to which we are exposed nearly every day.

The point is not to “feel bad” about the existence of such thoughts in
our heads, nor to feel self-righteous about the thoughts that we agree
with - the point is to be more conscious, open and flexible in how we
translate thoughts into action. Knowing how to do that requires a
final step.

While staying aware of our feelings and thoughts, make mindful choices
about what we’ll actually do based on chosen values. Our emotions are
a legacy of our entire development as a species, and our thoughts are
an echo of our history. Fear, anger and desire are part of the human
condition. They can sensitize us to what is going on in the moment -
but we have to learn how to have them without being had by them.

The emotional imperative of “now” is just too automatic and mindless
to be trusted. We need to learn to be guided by our values and
choices, not just our emotional and cognitive programming. Human
beings are the only animals who can interpose mindful awareness and
values-based choice between urges and actions. Now, more than ever,
that is what we need.

If we do not learn how to be wiser, we have a difficult road ahead of
us as a species: expanding waistlines and expanding hate; indulgence
and suppression; rigidity and loss of control. Feel-goodism meets the
technologically expanded capacity for dehumanization. All linked to
the demand to change the emotion now.

We are conscious beings riding in a primitive emotional vehicle
programmed for another day and time. That vehicle is careering down a
mountain road with only a prayer to save us. Unless we learn to drive.
(unsnip)

Buddha and DBT

Schema-focused therapy is a form of BPD treatment that Gunderson uses.
It is CBT, but focuses on schemas and deeply-entrenced “cognitions”.
Unlike DBT, which focuses on emotions (mainly) and cognitive
distortions, SFT takes a page from the personality people and tries to
rebuild the schemas that make up the personality. DBT is usually not
too concerned with “what you learned from your parents” more “what you
think about things and how can we change that”. Now, with respect to a Jospeh Campbell thing - I could say quite a
bit. What I'd like to say is this (hopefully briefly, because I'm busy
today - I have read all the messages from yesterday and before and
there seems to be a bunch of stuff going on in everyone's lives. I also
want to post another message about my daughter who is having some
serious emotional issues):

There are at least three ways of looking at the universe (and it’s
interaction with our minds). They are basically this:
1) The western way (or the “clockwork universe”). Because rationality,
science and technology is so ingrained in our way of thinking the model
of the universe is that of a giant mechanism. We (or bodies) are also
mechanisms. The mind/spirit/soul/self is some kind of “ghost in the
machine” - living inside it’s machine skin and going on after death to
another realm.
2) The Indian way (or “all the world’s a stage”). Every person and
thing is a hiding place for god - he (or the ultimate spirit - the pure
brahma - ok my spelling will be crappy and I don’t have time to look it
up) is reflected in you (in “your” ultimate spirit called “atman” in
sanskrit). God wears a “you” mask and a “me” mask. Basically, (in
computer terms) we are all particular instances of a class called
“spirit”. That is the “true” reality, the rest is illusion (maya). This
grew out of the society (which, with it’s caste system is very
role-based). However, Buddhist thought shattered that world-view (more
on that later).
3) The Chinese way. (or “organic systems” - in Chinese I think it’s
called Wu-Li). The universe and you are a tightly integrated organic
engery system. You are a natural extension of the world and the world
is a natural extenion of you. You can not exist without the world, it
can not exist without you. Think of the Yin-Yang and that symbol sort
of summarizes this position.

As Buddhism integrated Chinese concepts #2 and #3 sort of merged and
mixed. Buddha, however, pretty much dismissed “atman” (or essential
essence, see below).

OK, on the Buddhist thing. Buddha expoused three core concepts (called
the 3 “marks of existence” - he BTW had a lot of lists of ideas. Why?
because these ideas were not written down for hundreds of years, so the
monk had to remember them.) - they are:
1) Dukkha - suffering. Suffering exists and it exists because of a
basic inability of the mind to accept the state that it is actually in.
We thrist for “other” and cling to what we think we “have” (including,
paradoxically, our own mind).
2) Anicca - impermance. Every thing is in a state of flux, passing in
and out of existence, including ourselves and our minds. There is a
really interesting related concept called “Dependent Arising” (although
there are a number of translations of it). I don’t have time to talk
about that, but it is facisnating (and implies there is no creator of
the universe or beginning at all, BTW).
3) (OK here is the biggy in the Joseph Campbell sense) Anatta means
“no-self”. Buddha didn’t believe that we had a “core”
personality/mind/identity. This concept is that the mind (or self) is
made up of five “bundles”. A quote from the buddhism scripture (written
long after buddha died BTW):

“A chariot is neither asserted to be other than its parts, nor to be
non-other. It does not possess them. It does not depend on the parts,
and the parts do not depend on it. It is neither the mere collection of
the parts, nor it is their shape.:

Basically, we created the “charriot” in our minds and call it “me”. But
it is made up of parts that, on their own, can’t be called a charriot.
It is a concept that we label something with wheels and a seat and a
place for horses to pull (or race in like “Ben-hur”). But it is nothing
more than a label we slap on that concept. Buddha was suggesting that
our identity is the same way. There is no “you” there. Instead there is
a flux of feelings, thoughts, memories, sensory perceptions (or
“cognitions” - mental floral and fauna) that you throw together, slap
your name on it and say “hey that’s me!” However, are you the same you
as you were at 9 years old?

What does any of this have to do with BPD? Actually, probably a LOT. If
they feel that they have no core - they, according to the Buddha
anyway, might be experiencing reality as is really is. But it scares
the living sh*t out of them. Like doing acid? I think
it is probably a whole lot like doing acid. Nothing to stand on,
nothing to build on. You can’t build a castle on top of a river.

So, DBT borrowed more from Buddhism than mindfulness - it also borrowed
the concept of radical acceptance - deep acceptance and knowing of the
way things REALLY are. If you can’t accept it, if you cling to that
illusion, if you feel that your mental afflictions are real, then you
are in for a whole lot of suffering (see “mark of existence #1″). But
the interesting things is: what if our BP’s are actually MORE sensitive
to the “actual” reality than we are? Sure, it’s scary, but it might be
more “real”? That, of course, only applies to their sense of “self”,
not the impulsiveness and the emotional dysregulation. I think there
was a psychologist that called schizophrenics “the hyper-sane” (but I
think he became a Scientologist and disavowed psychiatric meds and
stuff). Something to think about.

Anyway, that was fun. As you know I find Buddhist thought/philosophy
very interesting.

BF Skinner meets Buddha with DBT

An article about DBT:

Underlying this skills-based approach is Dr. Linehan’s belief that borderline individuals are deficient in emotion management skills. According to her bio-social theory, borderline personality disorder results from a biologically based emotional vulnerability (high sensitivity, high reactivity, and a slow return to baseline) in combination with environmental factors that invalidate emotions over time and thwart the use of skills. This is a controversial departure from the psychoanalytic community’s view of borderlines as deficient in personality structure and personality functioning. In fact, Dr. Linehan advocates a name change for the much maligned borderline diagnosis, proposing instead the label of “”emotion dysregulation disorder”" and a reorganization of diagnostic criteria.

http://www.groupsinc.org/pubs/GC_0402_skinner.html

Blaming Never Helps

From “”Peace is Every Step”" by Thich Nhat Hanh:

When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you donít blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change. One day in Paris, I gave a lecture about not blaming the lettuce. After the talk, I was doing walking meditation by myself, and when I turned the corner of a building, I overheard an eight-year-old girl telling her mother, “”Mommy, remember to water me. I am your lettuce.”" I was so pleased that she had understood my point completely. Then I heard her mother reply, “”Yes, my daughter, and I am your lettuce also. So please donít forget to water me too.”" Mother and daughter practicing together, it was very beautiful.

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