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When Hope is Not Enough
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The Nature of Hope

Hoping for a Better FutureSeveral years ago I read Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh (see Reading List for purchasing this book). I have often found a quote on the Internet in quote databases and such from this book which says:

Hope is important, because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear.

But the funny thing is, this quote is taken out of context. This quote is from a longer one called “Hope as an Obstacle.” A more complete quote is this one (emphasis is mine):

Hope is important, because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today. But that is the most that hope can do for us – to make some hardship lighter. When I think deeply about the nature of hope, I see something tragic. Since we cling to our hope in the future, we do not focus our energies and capabilities on the present moment. We use hope to believe something better will happen in the future, that we will arrive at peace, or the Kingdom of God. Hope becomes a kind of obstacle. If you can refrain from hoping, you can bring yourself entirely into the present moment and discover the joy that is already here.

Enlightenment, peace, and joy will not be granted by someone else. The well is within us, and if we dig deeply in the present moment, the water will spring forth. We must go back to the present moment in order to be really alive. When we practice conscious breathing, we practice going back to the present moment where everything is happening.

Western civilization places so much emphasis on the idea of hope that we sacrifice the present moment. Hope is for the future. It cannot help us discover joy, peace, or enlightenment in the present moment. Many religions are based on the notion of hope, and this teaching about refraining from hope may create a strong reaction. But the shock can bring about something important. I do not mean that you should not have hope, but that hope is not enough. Hope can create an obstacle for you, and if you dwell in the energy of hope, you will not bring yourself back entirely into the present moment. If you re-channel those energies into being aware of what is going on in the present moment, you will be able to make a breakthrough and discover joy and peace right in the present moment, inside of yourself and all around you.

- Peace Is Every Step (1991)

In the context of BPD, I take this as hoping for something to happen which will not happen without recognizing the current situation. In other words, you are hoping for something you wish to happen while ignore what actually IS. I would suggest that in this context hope is a form of “magic thinking” or “wishful thinking” and, without work and practice of effective skills, that hope is empty. Acceptance of the current situation is the first step toward change.

OK, I’ve changed the title and subtitle of my book

wline.jpgWell, I have decided to change the title and subtitle of my book. The new title is When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. I changed the title and subtitle for the following reasons:

  1. I am planning on posting the book for sale on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other Internet sites within the next few weeks. I discovered that there is another book with the old title: When Love is Not Enough. It is a book by Nancy L. Thomas about parenting children with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I suspect that some of the content is similar to my content with respect to children with BPD, since BPD and RAD are in some ways similar disorders. I don’t know that much about RAD, so I will have to research it more. As of Friday, when I was first looking into that title, I saw the it was ranked better than 5,000 on Amazon’s ranking (I hope that mine will be ranked so high). Now it is ranked around 12,000. I really wanted to prevent any confusion in that respect.
  2. I started feeling that the word “hope” better typifies the idea behind the book than “love” did. I think many Non-BPs cling to hope and expect things to get better – which IMO they will not unless you (the Non-BP) learns certain emotional skills. Simple hope for things to improve will not make anything improve. You need more than hope – you need skill.
  3. While I originally didn’t use Borderline Personality Disorder in the subtitle, because I feel the skills will work with many emotional disorders, I have realized that my book is basically about being an effective Non-BP and works really well with people with the disorder. Therefore, to attract the appropriate audience, I inserted BPD into the subtitle. I honestly believe that if you (the Non-BP) follow the guidelines in my book, you can learn to “live with” and love someone with BPD. Is it all about “walking on eggshells” around them? No! Definitely not! It is about learning about the disorder and, more importantly, learning how to be effective with someone with the disorder.

Anyway, for all of you who have purchased previous copies with the previous title, I guess you got a rarity. Consider it a “classic” version of the book. The content hasn’t really changed BTW, just the title and subtitle.

To purchase a printed or electronic copy from Lulu, click here.  Soon, I will post the link to purchase from Amazon or other online retailers.