Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs

I get so sick of the “support community” for Non-BP’s on the Internet. The terms that invent and proliferate – it’s enough to drive someone crazy. Misinformation, misinformation, misinformation. I understand that Nons are upset, angry and confused about BPD. Heck, I was upset, angry and confused too – about three years ago. I think it’s best to learn as much as you can about the disorder and to practice skills to make things easier, both for the BP and the Non-BP.

Today, I’d like to take on the idea of “hoovering.” A full definition of hoovering can be found here (BTW, that is a lousy website for BPD information IMO). You can read the definition and forget it. Hoovering doesn’t exist. As a Non, you might feel that it exists, but in reality it doesn’t exist. I know I’m bound to get angry emails or comments from angry Nons that are convinced that they have been hoovered. “It happened just last night!” I thought I had been hoovered, way back on November 2, 2005. Here’s the text of a message I posted on WTO about my wife’s “hoovering”:

FROM ANOTHER LIST MEMBER: [I have never written before because I was too ashamed to admit that I had allowed myself and my children to fall into such a bizarre and screwed up situation, nor am I sure that anyone would believe what we have actually lived through.]

MY RESPONSE:
Yes, no joke. Really none.

I have felt this way for YEARS. I have refused to open up to anyone. I was embarrassed and sick about the behaviors. It wasn’t until last month at this time - when my wife exhibited “cutting” behavior – that I realized that she’d finally gone and done something I didn’t have an inkling about why. I always understood the depression (it’s in my family in spades) - I always understood the rage (well, sort of, Nons are angry too) - But I never felt the compulsion to cut myself.

That = research. Research = finding out about the real story behind BPD. That = finding WTO. This forum is just about the only thing that keeps me sane. Knowing that I’m not alone, that’s priceless.

You are not alone. Embarrassed, sure. Hiding the secret, yes.

My wife is currently (well, if she wasn’t passed out from taking too many sleep pills) in a BP moment - she just hoovered in the most primal way - trying to push my buttons, but me not allowing them to be pushed. That = rage on her part (and I have said she isn’t a rager - she only rages when I don’t comply). Now I’m 3 rooms away (we have a fairly large house) and I can hear her snoring away as I write this. Point is - embarrassed or not - the nons all feel your pain.

God, I knew nothing about BPD back then. I was so ignorant. I actually said that finding WTO was “finding the real story behind BPD.” Stupid me. I’ve learned so much more about BPD since then and realized that WTO was poisonous toward maintaining a relationship with a BP. I just felt so validated there, because I found other people that had experienced some of the same things I felt I had experienced. I had an explanation and some (virtual) shoulders to cry on. Unfortunately, that is all they do there – bitch about there (usually) “BPxh” (who most likely doesn’t have BPD and is just an a-hole) and cry on each other shoulders. I suppose there’s room in the (virtual) world for that. Must be, considering they have 4000+ members.

Ok, back to hoovering. Why do I say it doesn’t exist? I say it doesn’t exist because a person with BPD has dysregulated emotions. When they feel kind, happy, desperate, anxious, sad, angry, etc. they actually FEEL that way. The feeling is overpowering. It is not a “designed” situation. It is not manipulation – which is exactly what hoovering implies. A person with BPD is too “in the moment” of their dysregulated emotions to plan ahead of time when to hoover. Granted, this action may be born out of a fear of abandonment. However, the feeling is real and not prearranged.

Well, then you might ask me: What does this person (with BPD) actually believe about me? Are they telling the truth when they rage at me and tell me they hate me? Are they telling the truth when they “hoover” me into sex (or something else)? My answer: they are telling the truth in both situations. The truth is what they feel at any given time. It is not about you. It is about their feelings and their inability to self-soothe. I have an acronym for this in my book: IAAHF (It’s all about his/her feelings). Once you understand that, you are moving a long way toward the path of healing.

Bon Dobbs :: Jun.04.2008 :: Emotions, Manipulation, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

I have created a new version of my book, which fixes some typos and clarifies some points. I also was able to drop the price! It’s now $19.95, instead of $20.95. Since it got 3 pages shorter, I will be able to make a decent profit at the lower price. That price anticipates the cost it will have to be when I get it on Amazon (shortly).

Anyway, I suggest you check out the preview, and pick up a copy (shameless self-promotion). You can see the preview or buy the printed or downloadable version of When Love is Not Enough at Lulu.com.

If you are one of my readers with BPD, I would suggest getting a copy for anyone with whom you’d like to have an on-going relationship. Why? Because this book teaches a “Non-BP” the attitudes and tools to be more effective and more validating toward someone with BPD. The purpose is to rebuild the lines of communication. Like I said in a previous post (or comment), if I can quote myself here:

The BP/Non-BP relationship seems to me to be one of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I hope that I can help each learn the language of the other. And I agree most public awareness is important - BUT it has to be the right kind of awareness - not the “stay away from these people” or “these people are evil” kind.

Enjoy!

Bon Dobbs :: May.13.2008 :: Pain, Treatment, Boundaries, DBT-FST, Resources, Impulsiveness, Suicide, Shame, Mindfulness, Validation, Lying, Manipulation, Self-Injury, Emotions, Substance Abuse, Parenting, DBT :: No Comments »

At long last (about six months of work and 2 1/2 years of research, experimentation and practice), my first book When Love is Not Enough (WLINE) has been published!

This book is a quick-start, how-to guide for Non-BPs. It spells out step-by-step WHAT to do in your relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD traits) and HOW to do it. Unlike other books on this subject (you guys probably know which ones I’m talking about), WLINE tells EXACTLY what to do. Through the use of attitudes and tools, WLINE can help you build mastery over your relationship, regain control of your life and develop a deeper understanding of your BP loved one. I highly recommend it (if I do say so myself).

Although WLINE is fairly short (about 185 pages), it is packed full insights, advice and practical skills to help you understand your BP and to reestablish the lines of communication. If you are a Non-BP, WLINE is an essential resource. If you have BPD, I would recommend that you recommend WLINE to your family members, partners and friends (that is, if they are aware of your disorder). WLINE helps to build the bridge of understanding, serenity and effective communication between Nons and BPs.

It could be the most effective $20.95 you’ve ever spent.

If you’d like to buy a printed or eBook copy of WLINE, I am selling the book through Lulu:

Buy the Book!

A note on the title… I kicked around a number of titles before settling on this one. It is my feeling that most Nons don’t understand that, in addition to love, they have to develop ATTITUDES and SKILLS to be effective in their relationship with a BP. WLINE actually innumerates these attitudes and skills and provides detailed examples of how to apply them. With a commitment to the relationship, application of the concepts in the book and PRACTICE, a Non can learn what IS enough in their relationship with a BP.

Bon Dobbs :: May.09.2008 :: Pain, Treatment, Boundaries, Shame, DBT-FST, Blame, Best of, Impulsiveness, Suicide, Resources, Mindfulness, Biology, Validation, Lying, Manipulation, DBT, Self-Injury, Anger, Substance Abuse, Parenting, Emotions, Borderline Personality Disorder :: No Comments »

Tools and the Borderline

I found this post to the thread “Author of Eggshells Workbook is a Moron” from a cached copy of the “Crazy Talk” web forum.

Unfortunately, the Crazy Talk board has moved to a new server and the old threads were not carried over. I guess Google will maintain it in their cache for a while. The thread itself is a quite interesting version of several borderlines’ views on the SWOE workbook. Here is a particularly insightful post responding to the idea that borderlines are “manipulative”:

I don’t think that, in most cases anyway, that the “manipulative” BPD behavior is deliberately so, despite appearances - thus it cannot be truly manipulative, by definition. These behaviors DO have a function and an objective, as do all behaviors (including brushing one’s teeth), but we do not describe ALL non-disordered people’s attempts to find or maintain love or get attention or avoid pain manipulation - only when it truly is just that.

I think a new word is called for.

More accurately, the behaviors in question are more like “tools”. Lacking a circular saw, I may try a hatchet to cut my board so I can cover my window and keep out the chill. It is not as effective, and is potentially damaging and will make a pretty ratty and half-assed covering, but it is the only tool I have to do what I need to do.

Granted, those with BPD/PD loved ones need to find ways to protect themselves, but applying such language ideas as “manipulation” does not give the “other” proper tools, either.

The overall effect is two people standing around with hatchets trying to make a straight cut down the length of an oak plank. Ain’t gonna work.

bon :: Jun.05.2007 :: Manipulation :: No Comments »