A free eBook – 4X4 for Nons
|
Results not positive or effective for borderlines and money.
I was astounded at the results of my latest non-scientific poll about borderlines and money issues. Here are the general results from the money and BPD poll:
 Borderline and Spending Poll Results As you can see 85% of the nons and borderlines reported spending issues, even more than substance abuse, self-injury and suicide attempts. If we remove the “I don’t know” responses it jumps to more than 88%.
You may or may not remember this story from 2009. Diane Schuler, a mother and aunt with her children and her sister’s children in a min-van, goes the wrong way on the Taconic Parkway in Westchester county and plows into an SUV head-on killing three in the SUV and 4 children and herself in the mini-van. Toxicology reports showed she had a blood alcohol level of .19 over twice the legal limit of .08. She also reportedly smoked marijuana and had several ounces of undigested alcohol in her stomach. Here’s an article that analyses the NY Magazine article about her husband Daniel Schuler. This analysis from Jezebel.com, points out the problems, isolation, secrets and tragedy that can exist when a spouse is unable to communicate his/her emotional pains.
Diane Schuler’s Story Is One Of Isolation, Denial, And Rage
Anna North
One of the saddest news stories of the summer just got sadder — the husband of Diane Schuler, whose wrong-way drunk-driving crash killed her and seven others, tells New York Magazine he still believes his wife was essentially perfect.
New York’s Steve Fishman tells a depressing tale of denial and rage. On one side is the bereaved Schuler, struggling to go on after the death of his wife and daughter, and on the other is the Bastardi family, two of whose members were killed when Diane Schuler’s Winstar struck their TrailBlazer. Mike Bastardi lost his father, Michael Sr., and his brother Guy, and is angry at the whole Schuler family for what he sees as their role in the accident. He says, “They make like it was not even their fault. I think they knew she was drunk and stoned.” Bastardi’s wife Jeanne is even harsher. She says, “Not even a second have I felt sorry for Danny. This becomes a man you can’t hate enough.”
Part of the reason the Bastardis are so angry with Schuler is that he won’t own up to his wife’s guilt. After the crash, he said at a press conference, “She did not drink. She is not an alcoholic. My heart is rested every night. Something medically had to have happened.” He’s stuck to this story ever since, hiring a private investigator and a lawyer who speculated that a small stroke or abscess might have caused her to suddenly lose judgment and down ten shots of vodka before getting behind the wheel. Not only was his wife not an addict, he says, she was nearly flawless. Though he spoke to the investigator about “ups and downs” in his marriage,” he told Fishman, “There were never any downs. Up for twelve years.” He says they were “perfect” for each other, she was an “outstanding” mom, and, tellingly, “She never complained. I do; she doesn’t.”
Diane Schuler’s friends also portray her as keeping her feelings — especially negative ones — to herself. One says, “I’ve never seen her mad or angry,” another, “she infrequently talked about personal feelings.” She never talked about her parents’ divorce, and refused to speak to her mother — some friends even thought her mother was dead. When Fishman asked Danny “how well he really knew” his wife, Danny answered, “She’d talk to me if things came up.” His examples: “The house needs painting, the gutters need to be cleaned.”
To hear Fishman tell it, the Schulers’ story seemed like a long, drawn-out, and bloody example of the consequences of secrets in a marriage. Did Diane Schuler feel pressured to be the perfect mom — Danny mentions her expertise with birthday cards and holiday decorations — and thus keep her substance problems to herself? Did she feel she couldn’t confide in her husband because their work schedules meant they were rarely home at the same time? Did her parents’ divorce make her feel she couldn’t rock the boat in her own marriage? Why didn’t her friends know more about her troubles? Probably these questions will never be answered, but if there’s a tragic flaw in the whole Schuler saga, it’s isolation.
Despite her supposedly close-knit family, Diane Schuler apparently kept herself hidden from everyone. This led not only to her death and the deaths of seven others — it also plunged her husband into denial and the surviving Bastardi’s into fruitless anger. They won’t be satisfied until he admits guilt; he won’t be satisfied until he proves his wife was blameless. It’s hard to know how much of this cycle of despair was caused by Diane Schuler’s own particular pathology, and how much by an American idea of marriage that often positions the spouse as sole confidant even when, as was the case with the Schulers, that spouse may be physically unavailable. Only one thing is clear: if Schuler had felt able to open up about her own life, she might have avoided destroying countless others.
Today is the 5th anniversary of the Anything to Stop the Pain support list. After over 50,000 messages and 600+ members, it is still going strong. The ATSTP list is offered for free to non-BPDs. In honor of this momentous occasion, I will clip a response from me to a list member. Any personal details have been removed. The only thing blog readers need to know is that this man’s wife has been diagnosed with BPD and is asking him for a divorce. We also have a couple of recovered borderlines on this list and they are a valuable resource (as is noted here):
I believe that there is no right or wrong way to approach human emotions – there’s an effective way and an ineffective way and there are shades of grey in between those “polar” opposites. The effective way gets a positive outcome. That positive outcome is typically the return to baseline of the borderline and the establishment of a modicum of trust with others. One of the most important issues with borderlines seems to be the idea that they believe no one understands them (they feel “strange” – I said “broken” in WHINE, but I think that it was [a recovered borderline on the list] who clarified that it’s more like a “not feeling ‘normal’ and ‘fitting in’ feeling”), they can’t trust anyone with their emotions because many people have invalidated their feelings throughout their life and this leads to “silent desperation” and the inability to communicate effectively how they feel. If, through the use of my tools, you are able to gradually establish an environment in which your wife feels that she can safely express her emotions, which will go a long way toward establishing trust.
Secondly, you posted that you feel as through your feelings do not have a forum for airing and validation. Unfortunately for you, your wife sounds like a typical borderline. She is impulsive, she cuts, she abuses substances – especially painkillers. The divorce talk is probably born of either shame (“I will leave you before you leave me”) or of a feeling that she is being judged and/or disrespected (or not appreciated and accepted for whom she feels that she is). That leads to a certain mind-set that essentially makes her believe that, since no one has ever listened to her feelings before, she must dig in and hold on to her feelings as if she is the only person in the world. That is, “if I don’t fight for myself no one will”. This situation makes it difficult for you to express how you feel because she gets the message (even if it is not true): “YOU MADE me feel this way” because she thoroughly believes that about you. The reason she believes that you (and others, not just you) make her feel like she feels is that she is unable to self-regulate and looks to others to regulate her own emotionally states. When [a recovered borderline on the list] said something about her being more worried about what you think of her, she hit the nail on the head, because a borderline (and possibly for biological reasons) has a great deal of internal chaos and the usual strategy (also possibly biological) is to internalize other’s feelings and opinions about her self. It’s odd, yet I think that this dynamic is the one in which all the talk of not respecting boundaries arises. She feels at some level that you are actually a “part” of her, because she requires external validation. When that external validation turns to judgment, she has to cut you out of her mind. Sadly, she will continue to seek others (particularly men) to self-regulate until she can self-regulate.
As for IAAHF (“It’s all about his/her feelings”), one thing that many people read into that is that EVERY interpersonal situation is about her feelings and that she will not EVER be able to empathize with yours. This is neither the intent of IAAHF or the case. Borderlines are really empathetic (really no kidding they can be) but only when they are not on fire internally and emotionally. The intent of IAAHF is to EXPLAIN the “crazy” behavior, not to make a blanket statement about the relationship. When asked “why would she cut herself?” (for example) the answer is IAAHF. She’s in pain and the cutting helps alleviate that pain. Or asked “why is she raging at me over nothing?” (which happened to me the other night, presumably out of the blue). The answer is IAAHF.
 Lindsay Lohan and BPD? I read an article today about Lindsay Lohan from Fox News’ Dr. Keith Albow entitled “What Lindsay Lohan’s Parents Stole From Her”. While I can certainly understand Dr. Albow’s point at some level (although mostly I believe it was to attract readers to Fox with a catchy title about Lindsay Lohan’s situation), I have a problem with Dr. Albow’s analysis of Ms. Lohan’s parents. My problem has several facets to it, so you’ll have to bear with me as I go through them. The first part of my problem has to do with the “blaming the parents” aspect of mental health care and the attitude of mental health care professionals. When you take a child with possible BPD or with behavioral issues like Ms. Lohan has reportedly experienced (those include possible theft, substance abuse, sexual orientation confusion, impulsive actions, self-injury, depression, anxiety and the like), the first thing that is assumed about you is that the child has experienced trauma, neglect or abuse by the parents (that is, YOU). Oftentimes this is NOT the case. I have two daughters (fraternal twins) and one of them has emotional regulation issues, the other does not. The environment in which they were raised was essential the same. The thing is, the children are not the same. I know of another individual who has two daughters, two years apart in age, one of which is a drug addict who never attended college and the other has a ph. d. They were also seemingly raised in the same environment. Granted, neither my children nor the daughters of my friend are child stars as Ms. Lohan was. Yet, my problem #1 is blaming the parents. It doesn’t do anything to help Ms. Lohan. In DBT there’s a couple of rules that you learn at the beginning. One of these “rules” (or guidelines) goes something like this: Even though I didn’t cause some of my problems, I still have to be responsible for solving those problems. In other words, even if you lay the cause and responsibly solely at the feet of Ms. Lohan’s parents and what they “stole” from her, it doesn’t function to make Ms. Lohan behave more effectively or feel any better. Instead, now that she is an adult, she will be required to take responsibility for her behavior and learn the skills necessary to function in a more effective manner, regardless of who caused her problems. I want you all to understand though, if she DOES indeed have a mental illness, these problems might be more difficult for her to overcome. That is because IMO (and in the recent opinions of many scientists) there is a biological component to most mental illnesses (including BPD) and, whereas many people with BPD also have comorbid PTSD from trauma and/or abuse/neglect, many do not. I believe that in order to have BPD the biological component must be present. Dr. Marsha Linehan’s bio-social model seems to reflect this. In other words, in the case of my twins and my friend’s daughters, what is different about each of them is their biological system, not the environment. The kids are different biologically. In the case of Ms. Lohan, perhaps she also has a biological feature that would increase the likelihood of impulsive behavior (among other features).
Now this brings me to point #2 which has to do with boundaries and the fuzzy understanding of what boundaries are. Dr. Albow says:
If she’s guilty, she did it for the same reason she illegally used drugs and drove under the influence and—maybe—assaulted an employee at The Betty Ford Center: She had so much stolen from her as a young person, had her boundaries violated so feloniously, that she considers the boundaries of others irrelevant.
Ahh, boundaries! Anytime I mention BPD to anyone who is not steeped in the world of BPD/non-BPD, including and especially therapists, one of the first things out of their mouths is boundaries (after trauma/abuse). This doctor doesn’t understand boundaries and the way that they function. A person like Lindsay Lohan doesn’t have a boundary problem, she has an emotional problem. You could rewrite the first sentence like this:
If she’s guilty, she did it for the same reason she illegally used drugs and drove under the influence and—maybe—assaulted an employee at The Betty Ford Center: she is in a great deal of emotional pain, has issues regulating her emotions, is impulsive and will behave in an “anything to stop the pain” manner. She acts on her emotions and action impulses before she thinks of the consequences.
Her problem is dysphoria and a poor sense of well-being, which in turn leads to impulsive behavior like shoplifting a necklace when you could just afford to buy one.
I don’t want to go into a long discussion of boundaries here. I‘ve talk about boundaries so many times, it gets old. If you understand my view of boundaries and rules and consequences and intent and the differentiation between these important behavioral and mental concepts, you’ll immediately see why I object to the “boundary violation” explanation of Ms. Lohan’s make-up and behavior. No, the problem with Lindsay Lohan is (IMO) dysphoria, poor impulse control, emotional dysregulation and a large amount of emotional pain. That is why she does the drugs, steals things (allegedly), engages in risky behavior, cuts herself, etc. It’s not because she “considers the boundaries of others irrelevant”. That statement just shows me that you, doctor, don’t understand boundaries, despite your status as a mental health professional and a Fox News guy. In fact, it has NOTHING to do with the other’s boundaries or feelings at all. It’s all about her feelings.
My last problem with the article has to do with this statement:
Assault and theft. Lindsay Lohan, I would venture, knows all about those things, very deep inside. And not just because of what she did. No, no. Don’t believe that for a moment. Mostly, this is a story about what was done to her.
No, it’s not a story about what was done to her. I’m sorry, but the problem for Ms. Lohan is two-fold. Firstly, if she does indeed have mental health issues, emotional issues, substance abuse issues, and behavioral issues, it is her responsibility as an adult to address those effectively. The question is not “what was done to her by whom?” – it’s “what does she do about it now?” She’s no longer a child. She must address her behavioral issues with the help of a mental health, substance abuse and/or behavioral health specialist. If she continues to play out the approach that Dr. Albow espouses here – the “I had a f*cked up childhood” approach, she’s going to continue to behave ineffectively. What she’s doing is anything to stop the pain, yet, ironically, it is causing MORE pain for her because she’s behaving in an ineffective manner.
Secondly, like everyone in society, Ms. Lohan has to learn that her behavior has consequences, even unintended ones. Sure, she might have a disorder like BPD in which she would find it difficult NOT to behave impulsively and in a pain-killing way, yet when all that is done, she has to face the consequences of her behavior like everyone else. As I have said in the past, just because you didn’t mean to burn down the house while playing with matches, doesn’t mean the house magically comes back from the ashes. No, the house is still in ashes whether your parents abused/neglected you or you were just trying to stop the pain inside your head. Ms. Lohan’s behavior has consequences and sometimes those consequences are going to jail. The judge is not going to accept the argument, “my parents made me do this by taking away my childhood.”
And all of that brings me back to the serenity prayer, which (as I have said in “When Hope is Not Enough”) I always thought was a stupid cliche, yet, Lindsay Lohan is an excellent example of those words at work. (And BTW, I am not a support of A.A., despite my reference to the prayer). Ms. Lohan has no ability to change what her parents did to her. That is something she must accept. Trying to change those things will cause frustration and, in her case, maybe incarceration. What she CAN change is her future by learning to behave more effectively and manage her emotions more effectively. If she doesn’t do that, she’s going to end up helpless (“my parents made me this way and there’s nothing I can do about it”), in jail or on the wrong side of the grass.
Well, obviously her shoplifting is alleged at this point. There is a TMZ article about things (other than the necklace) that she allegedly took. And another one regarding a fur coat that she wore and about which she had to settle a complaint against her for that. On these pages, I have analyzed the behavior of Lindsay and made the suggestion that she has borderline personality disorder. I am not a doctor, a diagnostic expert or have I ever actually met with Ms. Lohan. I am a person who is familiar with BPD and I have met numerous individuals with BPD and their families. Shoplifting can be a feature of borderline personality disorder. A question answered by Dr. Leland Heller about shoplifting and BPD says this:
Q. Dear Dr. Heller
Do a large percentage of BPD individuals have difficulty with impulsiveness which involves shoplifting? Can you comment on this form of self-injurious behavior.
Also I understand Klonopin is not to be given to individuals who have difficulty with impulsiveness, Please advise on this medication.
Someone in deep legal trouble that has just learned there is a name for the cause of all this pain.
A. Shoplifting has long been known to be one of the self-destructive, impulsive behaviors borderlines do to make dysphoria – anxiety, rage, depression, despair – go away. It’s similar to reckless driving, binge eating, binge shopping, etc. It’s not common, but it does happen.
Xanax – alprazolam – has been shown to worsen behavioral dyscontrol, which means there may be an increased risk of self-destructive behaviors. Klonopin is a very similar medication, and while I haven’t seen studies on it in this regard, it is logical to assume it will make BPD self destructive symptoms worse.
As you can see, Dr. Heller does indicate that shoplifting is an impulsive behavior and can be used to make the dysphoria of BPD go away. In addition, he goes on to indicate that benzos (particularly Xanax) can worsen self-destructive and impulsive behaviors. I have seen that effect with my own eyes. Xanax definitely decreases impulse control and increases behavioral dyscontrol. When mixed with alcohol, the effects can be even more dramatic. So, I thought I’d go out and try to discern if Lindsay Lohan is taking Xanax or other medications that would have these effects. Sure enough, there have been reports that Ms. Lohan is taking Xanax (along with Paxil and Adderall). The combination of poor impulse control (which is a feature of BPD, although it is also a feature of other disorders) and the Xanax could indeed lead to a self-control issue such as shoplifting. Here is a CNN report about Lindsay’s latest legal troubles regarding the alleged shoplifting of a $2,500 necklace. The question that immediately arises (at least for most people) is why? Why would she shoplift when she can afford to buy the product? Again, see above for possible explanation (Xanax + poor impulse control = try to make dysphoria go away). This whole incident reminded me of Winoa Ryder’s shoplifting case. In addition to her shoplifting, she also has apparently been taking Xanax.
 I’m not much of a country music fan, but I have stumbled upon Mindy McCready, who I suspect has BPD (again, I’m not a doctor or have I ever met her so this is an arm-chair analysis). Here are some possible clues:
Suicidal Tendencies
In May 2005, McCready’s ex-boyfriend, Billy McKnight, was arrested and charged with attempted murder after beating and choking McCready. The following July, McCready was found unconscious in a hotel lobby in Indian Rocks Beach, Florida after attempting suicide. She was hospitalized for a drug overdose after washing down a large amount of undisclosed drugs with alcohol. That September, McCready, who was then pregnant with McKnight’s child, attempted suicide for a second time by overdosing on antidepressants.
Substance Abuse
In August 2004, McCready was arrested in Tennessee for using a fake prescription to buy the painkiller OxyContin. Although she initially denied the charge, she pleaded guilty and was fined $4,000, sentenced to three years probation, and ordered to perform 200 hours of community service.
In May 2005, she was stopped by Nashville police for speeding and then arrested and charged with driving under the influence and driving with a suspended license. A jury later found her not guilty on the charges of DUI, but guilty of driving with a suspended license. That July, she was charged in Arizona with identity theft, unlawful use of transportation, unlawful imprisonment, and hindering prosecution.
Difficult Relationships
In May 2005, McCready’s ex-boyfriend, Billy McKnight, was arrested and charged with attempted murder after beating and choking McCready.
Inappropriate Sexual Behavior
In April 2008, the New York Daily News reported on a possible long-term relationship between McCready and baseball star Roger Clemens that began when she was 15 years old.
Clemens’ attorney Rusty Hardin denied the affair and also stated that Clemens would be bringing a defamation suit regarding this false allegation. Clemens’ attorney admitted that a relationship existed, but described McCready as a “close family friend”. He also stated that McCready had traveled on Clemens’ personal jet and that Clemens’ wife was aware of the relationship. However, McCready confirmed the relationship as being sexual in nature.
On November 17, 2008, McCready spoke in more detail to Inside Edition about her affair with Clemens. She stated that their relationship lasted for more than a decade, and that it ended when Clemens refused to leave his wife to marry McCready. However, she denied that she was fifteen years old when it began, saying that they met when she was sixteen and the affair only became sexual “several years later”.
I read this article yesterday on my mobile… how horribly sad:
Fla. teen commits suicide with live Web audience
By RASHA MADKOUR – 1 day ago
MIAMI (AP) — A college student committed suicide by taking a drug overdose in front of a live webcam as some computer users egged him on, others tried to talk him out of it, and another messaged OMG in horror when it became clear it was no joke. Some watchers contacted the Web site to notify police, but by the time officers entered Abraham Biggs’ home — a scene also captured on the Internet — it was too late.
Biggs, a 19-year-old Broward College student who suffered from what his family said was bipolar disorder, or manic depression, lay dead on his bed in his father’s Pembroke Pines house Wednesday afternoon, the camera still running 12 hours after Biggs announced his intentions online around 3 a.m.
It was unclear how many people watched it unfold.
Biggs was not the first person to commit suicide with a webcam rolling. But the drawn-out drama — and the reaction of those watching — was seen as an extreme example of young people’s penchant for sharing intimate details about themselves over the Internet.
Biggs’ family was infuriated that no one acted sooner to save him, neither the viewers nor the Web site that hosted the live video, Justin.tv. The Web site shows a video image, with a space alongside where computer users can instantly post comments.
Only when police arrived did the Web feed stop, “so that’s 12 hours of watching,” said the victim’s sister, Rosalind Bigg. “They got hits, they got viewers, nothing happened for hours.”
She added: “It didn’t have to be.”
An autopsy concluded Biggs died from a combination of opiates and benzodiazepine, which his family said was prescribed for his bipolar disorder.
Biggs announced his plans to kill himself over a Web site for bodybuilders, authorities said. But some users told investigators they did not take him seriously because he had threatened suicide on the site before.
Some members of his virtual audience encouraged him to do it, others tried to talk him out of it, and some discussed whether he was taking a dose big enough to kill himself, said Wendy Crane, an investigator with the Broward County medical examiner’s office.
A computer user who claimed to have watched said that after swallowing some pills, Biggs went to sleep and appeared to be breathing for a few hours while others cracked jokes.
Someone notified the moderator of the bodybuilding site, who traced Biggs’ location and called police, Crane said.
As police entered the room, the audience’s reaction was filled with Internet shorthand: “OMFG,” one wrote, meaning “Oh, my God.” Others, either not knowing what they were seeing, or not caring, wrote “lol,” which means “laughing out loud,” and “hahahah.”
An online video purportedly from Biggs’ webcam shows a gun-wielding officer entering a bedroom, where a man is lying on a bed, his face turned away from the camera. The officer begins to examine him, as the camera lens is covered. Authorities could not immediately verify the authenticity of the video, though it matched their description of what occurred.
Montana Miller, an assistant professor of popular culture at Bowling Green State University in Ohio, said Biggs’ very public suicide was not shocking, given the way teenagers chronicle every facet of their lives on sites like Facebook and MySpace.
“If it’s not recorded or documented then it doesn’t even seem worthwhile,” she said. “For today’s generation it might seem, `What’s the point of doing it if everyone isn’t going to see it?’”
She likened Biggs’ death to other public ways of committing suicide, like jumping off a bridge.
Crane said she knows of a case in which a Florida man shot himself in the head in front of an online audience, though she didn’t know how much viewers saw. In Britain last year, a man hanged himself while chatting online.
In a statement, Justin.tv CEO Michael Seibel said: “We regret that this has occurred and want to respect the privacy of the broadcaster and his family during this time.”
The Web site would not say how many people were watching the broadcast. The site as a whole had 672,000 unique visitors in October, according to Nielsen.
Miami lawyer William Hill said there is probably nothing that could be done legally to those who watched and did not act. As for whether the Web site could be held liable, Hill said there doesn’t seem to be much of a case for negligence.
“There could conceivably be some liability if they knew this was happening and they had some ability to intervene and didn’t take action,” said Hill, who does business litigation and has represented a number of Internet-based clients. But “I think it would be a stretch.”
Condolences poured into Biggs’ MySpace page, where the mostly unsmiling teen is seen posing in a series of pictures with various young women. On the bodybuilding Web site, Biggs used the screen name CandyJunkie. His Justin.tv alias was “feels_like_ecstacy.”
Rosalind Bigg described her brother as an outgoing person who struck up conversations with Starbucks baristas and enjoyed taking his young nieces to Chuck E. Cheese. He was health-conscious and exercised but was not a bodybuilder, she said.
“This is very, very sudden and unexpected for us,” the sister said. “It boggles the mind. We don’t understand.”
___
Associated Press Writers Jessica Gresko and Lisa Orkin Emmanuel and the AP News Research Center in New York contributed to this report.
(This version CORRECTS sister’s last name in next-to-last graf.)
 Yesterday, I received a long and thoughtful comment about my post The Myth Of Hoovering. I wanted to respond to it, because I believe that the commenter actually misunderstood my point about hoovering and why I called it a “myth.” Certainly, I was well-aware that the post (along with The Myth of the High-Functioning Borderline) would be controversial in the non/BPD-support community. The commenter said the following about my post:
“Regarding the misinformation you mention, you’ve discounted the existence of the “hoovering” phenomenon on the basis that it’s not a conscious behaviour. In the link you provided, and in mentions of this concept I’ve seen elsewhere, I didn’t note any stipulation that the key ingredient of hoovering is premeditation. It’s merely an esoteric term to describe the behaviour that follows after the person with BPD has done something to scare off / push away their partner, and it is very compelling and sometimes very dangerous for the Non. It also mirrors the cycle of violence in cases of domestic abuse and you are dismissing the realities of countless victims who are so frequently told they should “just leave”. THIS is a shining example of ignorance. Whatever household appliance you name it after, the behaviour pattern in question most certainly does exist, in studies, interviews, textbooks, and therapy sessions, regardless of whether the person enacting it is conscious of its effects.”
The link I provided was to the definition of “hoovering” at BDP411.org. My argument against hoovering was to point out that hoovering is not a pre-meditated form of manipulation, but in reality, I should have made a more salient point about hoovering and the existence (or lack there of) of the phenomenon. The link on BPD411.org says this:
“The intent of the hoover is to get the Non back into the relationship.”
In my experience with BPs, this statement is not the case. The intent of hoovering or any behavior that a person with BPD does (when untreated and emotionally dysregulated) has nothing to do with the non. The intent to two-fold IMO: 1) to as immediately as possible feel better emotionally and 2) to confirm that the BP is not a “bad person” and deserving of love, no matter what poor behavior was previously exhibited to argue otherwise.
 When Hope is Not EnoughGet the Non-BPD book that is designed for staying and working on the relationship You see, hoovering is routed in shame (shame of the BP, not the non). The person with BPD will want to confirm to themself that the non (who supposedly loves them – of course this goes both ways) does not discover that deep inside they are a shameful and unworthy person. I mentioned the “toxic self-consciousness” mind-set when I was talking about David Foster Wallace and his suicide. Toxic self-consciousness is there so that someone can be vigilant about protecting others from discovering their shame and thus, leaving them because they are “bad” and unworthy of love. The shame element is what feeds the fear of abandonment, not the other way around. Often, nons (and professionals) talk about the fear of abandonment as the “core” of BPD, but I believe that BPD actually has 3 core features that lead to the others (including fear of abandonment, rejection sensitivity, fault-finding behavior and others). Those core features are emotional dysregulation, shame and impulsiveness. So, in the event of a hoover, the BP is fearful that you (as a non) will discover their shame and this leads to emotional dysregulation (basically, panic) which can lead to impulsive behavior (including hoovering).
Another article from BPD411.org – the “rules of engagement” can be found here: Rules of Engagement. This is actually the article of which I was thinking when I posted my previous post on hoovering. Here’s what it says:
Rule #5: If at any time the Non figures out the Rules of Engagement for BPD Land, the BPD’er must change the situation, rewrite history, and thereby purchase the Non a one way ticket back to BPD Land.
Rule #6: If Rule #5 fails, the person with the disorder must use a major hoover, promise anything, mirror the Non exactly, seduce the Non, or engage in multiple acts of what ever worked last time to convince the Non that “this time will be different”.
As you can see rule #6, does imply premeditation, since “Rules of Engagement” imply premeditation. It states that a BP will use a major “hoover” to “convince the Non that ‘this time it will be different’.” What many of these documents and posts (such as the “Ten Demandments”) imply is that the BP is motivated by and reacts to the behavior of the Non. My view on this is that a BP will react and behave completely in response to their own feelings, shame and conditioned behavior. Very little of a BP’s behavior is about the non. In the words of WHINE – IAAHF (“It’s always about his/her feelings). Why does this matter?
It matters because a Nons approach toward a perceived hoover will be different and more effective than in the past. When given the choice between “giving in” or “rejecting” a hoover – each comes with a price. The price of giving in can be your own shame, feeling of stupidity when things don’t change and/or anger at the other person for manipulating you and your feelings. The price of rejecting a hoover is (in my experience) rage, rejection, fault-finding and the “what about you?” argument that many BPs will use to deflect attention from their own shame. However, if you realize that the actual problem is not the hoovering behavior (which DOES exist, I’m not denying that), it is the feelings of panic and shame that motivate the hoovering, the act of hoovering can be faced more effectively. Meaning, if you solve the real problem (which is the emotional dysregulation and feelings of shame in the BP), the hoovering behavior will cease because the motivating factor is NOT “to get the Non back at whatever the costs” – it is to make the BP feel better and worthy of love in themselves.
As an aside, I had an experience with my cat this morning that could be seen as hoovering. This cat is not very loving (except when she wants to be). She was a stray and abused, so she is pretty shy about showing affection. I’ve had her for about 2 years. Anyway, last night she got locked out of the house all night. When I came downstairs at 7 AM this morning, she was sitting in the back window (on the outside) meowing. I opened the door for her and she ran inside and rubbed up against me, followed me around for about 20 minutes and made me pet her by pushing her head against my hand. This was all before she went to the food bowl, which is usually the first thing she does in the morning. Again, this is not an affectionate cat, normally. But she was upset and needed to have affection shown to her. After she calmed down and made sure we still loved her and didn’t abandon her, she went upstairs, climbed in the linen closet and went to sleep. My point is that even a simple animal (although cats are hardly simple animals, they have interesting personalities) undergoes emotional dysregulation and needs assurances and needs to feel better. If the point of hoovering is to feel better and to receive feedback from a loved one that you are worthy of love – what is wrong with that? I believe that in the moment, those feelings are completely genuine (although further emotional dysregulation at a later time might cause opposite behavior) and can be assuaged with emotional tools. In the case of the cat, I just had to pet her and reassure her that all was OK. Of course most cats hate vacuum cleaners, whatever the brand.
BTW, a member of my ATSTP list provided an “inside out” view of both hoovering and of the “Rules of Engagement” in her “Net Debunks” section. It is worth checking out each of these.
 Well, I found out today that Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are hanging out together. Wow! What a match. Amy is leading my celeb-o-meter of possible celebrities with BPD, and Pete has (maybe) jumped to the head of the line and pinned the meter with his blood paintings, self-harm, drug usage and you name what else. I guess there’s some sort of attraction to someone like you. According to most sites, it’s platonic – but would can have sex after doing a boat load of drugs anyway?
 OK, well, the other day I posted on how Pete Doherty has jumped to the top of my Celebrities with Borderline Personality Disorder (possibly, but not for sure) list. Why? Well, he just released a series of paintings done in his own blood. Let’s examine the other “evidence” of possible BPD….
(For those of you who don’t know who Pete Doherty is: he’s the lead singer of two British bands: Babyshambles and the Libertines. He dated Kate Moss and he is a regular in the tabloids in London for his erratic and criminal behavior.)
Self-Harm
Painting in one’s own blood seems to indicate self-harm. Here’s another article about Doherty’s self-harm.
Quotes from the self-harm article:
Graphic footage of rock star Pete Doherty deliberately harming himself will not appear in a forthcoming fly-on-the-wall documentary about the former Libertines’ singer, as had been feared by mental health charities.
The scenes of Doherty cutting himself with a broken bottle feature in a rough edit of the documentary, to be shown on BBC3 on Sunday 28 August. The images of Doherty slashing his chest, taken from the edit, were leaked to the national press last week, raising concerns about his mental health.
Substance Abuse
Well, duh… He’s been put in jail numerous times for drug offenses, including heroin and cocaine abuse.
Quotes:
He appeared at Ealing Magistrates’ Court to face charges of possessing heroin and cocaine.
The 26-year-old was arrested by police after he was spotted driving a speeding car in west London on 30 November.
The former Libertines singer has continually been in the headlines over his drug abuse and his relationship with model Kate Moss.
He is due to reappear at Ealing Magistrates Court on 8 February.
The prosecution said police pulled Mr Doherty over after he was spotted speeding and officers said he had a glazed look.
He was found to have three packets of heroin, with a weight of 0.875gm (0.03oz), and one packet containing 0.234gm (0.008oz) cocaine.
Inappropriate Anger
More quotes:
Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty has been fined £750 after he admitted assaulting a BBC reporter in March.
The star pleaded guilty at Thames Magistrates’ Court to kicking a microphone out of her hand outside the same court after a separate appearance.
In a statement, the 27-year-old said: “If I hurt this lady I’m sorry.”
The star, who is currently being treated for drug addiction, was also ordered to pay £250 compensation and another £200 in court costs.
Painful hand
He had previously pleaded not guilty to a charge of assault by beating after he kicked out at Radio 1 Newsbeat’s Trudi Barber.
His defence lawyer, Sean Curran, said Doherty changed his plea after watching television footage of the attack.
Indentity Issues
He’s turning to Islam? I wonder how long that will last.
Quotes:
One of Doherty’s friends said: “He’s been reading the Quran since he went into segregation. He’s got a lot of Muslim friends and they’ve been on at him for ages to study it. Now he’s on his own and he’s got time on his hands to study it.
“I’m surprised how much it has calmed him down as he was very on the edge inside. He definitely seems more chilled. He’s lapping it up and really interested in it. I think it’s helping him in there.”
Doherty has been having a difficult time since his 14-week sentence began for violating probation by taking drugs.
Volatile Relationships
 The UK hottest couple, Pete Doherty and Kate Moss, split up, after the beautiful supermodel dumped Pete, arguing she cannot stand his way of life anymore, always worrying about him.
On July 22, 2005, Pete Doherty was involved into
a street fight. British newspapers The Sun and Daily Mirror reports that Pete and musician friend Alan Wass fought with a group of Somali youths after they shouted “crackhead” at him.
Farid Khan of Supersave store in Camden Town, said: “The singer ran in pursed by six man. There was a big fight. We got them out but they hurled a brick at the door.”
Kate reportedly told friends: “I can’t go on spending day and night worrying about Pete. He would disappear without a word and I would not hear from him for days. He has to change his lifestyle. Until that happens we are finished.”
Sexual Confusion
DOHERTY: ‘I WAS A GAY RENT BOY AND DRUG DEALER’
Troubled rocker PETE DOHERTY has shocked fans by boasting he worked as a homosexual prostitute and drug dealer to fuel his drug addictions, before he shot to fame in his former band THE LIBERTINES.
The wild singer confesses he was so desperate for money to fund his cocaine and heroin habits, he worked as a rent boy and once robbed a gay client after tying him up at his home.
Dangerous Driving
Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty has been fined £300 and disqualified from driving for two months.
The 27-year-old admitted two charges of driving without insurance or a licence at Thames Magistrates Court in London.
District Judge Jane McIvor warned the singer that he faces jail if he drives without a licence again.
The rock star was arrested in November 2006 by officers who spotted him driving his Jaguar erratically near his east London home.
Shame
So you’ve got this support act, some posh bloke with a discomfited smile, slowly eating himself from the inside out from pure embarrassment. One guy with a guitar strumming idle fancies like ‘The Blue Ridge Mountains Of Dakota’, incapable of holding a note or playing a tune, and, what’s worse, he clearly hates himself for it. Pretty soon, he’ll be dead. And then he’s joined by a nonchalant Doherty in trenchcoat and hat. The place breaks out into hysteria. I’m blinded by about twenty camera phones flashing, then I’m nearly sucked under by the wave surging forward. Even Doherty, the boy in the bubble, advises everyone to move back because there’s a girl in the front whose eyes are bulging.
Suicide Attempts
Pete Doherty tried to kill himself in rehab after discovering that Kate Moss was dating a new man. British tabloids tattled that the ‘Babyshambles’ singer downed an entire bottle of pills-he just ended up making himself ill.
“He saw an opportunity to take an overdose and took it. He told me he didn’t know what the pills were but thought ‘fuck it’ and took them all,” says a NOW insider.
“He doesn’t care what drugs do to him—in fact, he likes finding out.”
“To begin with Kate was ringing him up all the time, concerned for his well-being.”
“But when Pete started to quiz her about the new guy, she was evasive and it got to him. She messed with his head.”
Impulsive Behavior
Anthony Thornton, the reviews editor of NME and an authority on The Libertines, said: ‘Pete is at a lower point than he was a year ago. He’s hit depths he didn’t even know existed. He’s not aware of how bad a state he’s in, and the drugs make it worse. He’s incredibly impulsive, he doesn’t take on responsibilities, he’s unreliable and likely to do himself harm.
Unsafe Sexual Behavior
I think anyone who was a male prostitute qualifies in this regard.
So, ole’ Pete hit just about all the categories that I applied to other celebrites. While I am not a doctor and can’t officially diagnose anyone… Pete Doherty looks suspiciously like he may have Borderline Personality Disorder (or something very close to it). And everyone, you will notice that I used mainly news articles in this analysis (with a bit of blogging, didn’t have time to look up interviews for shame – although I’ve been told he says he hates himself and he is a bad person).
Here’s his Wikipedia entry.
|
Loading ...