Borderline Personality Disorder,  Emotions,  Lying,  Pain,  Shame

BPD and Lying – again…

I believe there are several basic motivations to lie when you have BPD. There are also two types of lies: by admission (by telling) and by omission (by not telling). Both types are a problem with someone with BPD. The motivations for telling a lie (or omitting truth) by someone with BPD are as follows:

1.    When it is more painful to admit or tell the truth.
2.    When she wants the other person to think “better” of her than she thinks of herself.
3.    To avoid the judgment of the other person or judgment of herself.
4.    When she can’t see the “truth” because of emotional reasoning brought on by the refractory period of the emotion felt. In other words, when feelings = facts.

The first three of these factors play a role in the lies of someone with BPD and they are often inter-related. If the person to whom the lie is told is likely to judge the person with BPD as “bad” or “deficient,” the expectation of disapproval triggers first rejection sensitivity and then shame, because the person with BPD actually feels deep inside that, if she admits the truth, the other person will “find out” that she is a “bad person” and reject her fully. The last motivation is “emotional reasoning.”

I bring up these motivations not to “let liars off the hook” but to point out something: a person with BPD does not live in the same “reality” as you (the Non) do. Your truth is informed by what you see, hear, experience and what you believe about those inputs. A person with BPD is most often informed by her feelings about the experiences. These feelings can be misaligned with the facts and, as Paul Ekman notes in Emotions Revealed, a person overcome with strong emotions “cannot incorporate information that does not fit, maintain or justify the emotion.” In effect the original lies can be motivated by the inability to see information that doesn’t support the feelings. When someone is emotionally dysregulated, she just can’t see the truth if it doesn’t match what she is feeling.

In effect, she is not really “lying,” but merely pointing out “facts” (or generating them) that support her overwhelming emotion about the situation. The subsequent lies, which are used to “cover up” or support the emotional reasoning, are typically done for one of the first three motivations, particularly the idea that you would think of her as less of a person (and deservedly so) if it was revealed that she lied in the first place. I think there can be some argument about whether deep-down a person with BPD really believes the original lie (or any of those generated by motivation number four) when she exits the prolonged refractory period. My suspicion is that deep down a person with BPD is more concerned with the pain and shame the revelation of the lie will cause her than with repairing, rather than repeating, the lie.


While it is useful to know the motivations behind the lies, it still doesn’t make the lies any less hurtful. Being lied to is a painful and hateful experience for the Non. It destroys trust and personal integrity and leads to suspicion and paranoia. When someone specifically lies to you (by admission) or is secretive (by omission), you end up feeling angry, saddened and disconnected from your loved one with BPD. It is a confusing, embarrassing and painful experience.

Each of the motivations can be removed by:
Number 1: Pain management, distress tolerance (when the pain can’t be removed) and self-soothing
Number 2: Self-acceptance*
Number 3: Self-acceptance and developing the ability to tolerate judgment
Number 4: Emotional modulation

* a quick note on Number 2. I have known at least 3 borderlines rather well in my life. I have also known about 3 more peripherally (and of the 6 – not including my wife – 5 are female). But the 3 that I have known well (2 women and 1 man), ALL of them used motivation #2 to generate seemingly outlandish lies. Sometimes, each of them would have to “own up” to the lies and that was a painful experience I’m sure. I know if I every have to own up to lies, it is painful for me. I can only imagine how painful it is for someone with as much shame as a borderline feels.


  • BPD in OKC

    Lying is the worst symptom of my borderline (or so my husband says). So many times it seems easier to lie to him than tell the truth. The truth may hurt me, I always think to myself. In reality, the truth will hurt a lot less than telling a lie and getting caught.

  • Bon Dobbs

    My question for you what is the motivation? You’ve said to avoid pain. Will the pain come from your hubby’s judgment? Or something else? Self-invalidation perhaps? I guess you are following motivation #1?

  • CAT

    About 6 months ago I told my hubby that I was raped simply because I thought he didn’t care about me and didn’t want me anymore and that is the way that I tried to get attention. I told him today that what I said was a lie. He is so hurt by this and wants a divorce as in yesterday.

    WHAT CAN I DO!!!!!!

  • Bon Dobbs

    What I would do is this: tell him that you lied because you wanted sympathy and felt alone. That you were sad at the time and you felt you needed more communication. You lied to make yourself feel better, not to hurt him or deceive him in a malicious way. When a person is sad and lonely, they might do and say things that they wouldn’t otherwise do and say, so that they can make a connection and feel better. The lie was about YOUR feelings of loneliness and sadness. It was not about him. That being said, lying is not an effective method to deal with your sadness, because, if the lie is discovered, you feel guilt and shame and more sadness. Tell him that you will try and be more truthful with your feelings, rather than have your feelings shape the “truth” – which is what you were doing before by lying.

  • Lied to alot

    My BP wife has had several flings during our 10 year marriage. periodically, it has been over most of our marriage. She says it is to feel wanted by men as she has no identity or self esteem and I am not a source for helping her as i am supposed to tell her she is sexy and beautiful. So, she lied until I cought her and demanded a lie detector test because she wore she told me the truth about 50 questions that were unanswered and times and places she went missing. I gave her amnesty to tell the truth at 20 intervals over 6 months and after telling me that all lies had been corrected, one more lie would come out each time. Most of the lies were to protect the persons involved, not me, nor herself. She did not want me to speak to ppeople involved or that knew information nor did she want me to seek vengenece. i have been the butt of a huge joke and mass infidelity and the last of many of my friends to find out. I dont see where her lies meet any of the criteria above, they were just selfish transgressions and I am the bad guy, the interogating parent. i can never trust her enough to continue. We have kids, and the suffering is about to become theirs chiefly. if ou want out of a relationship, I advise being truthful and not bringing in a 3rd person. Above all, she fears me leaving her and will kill herself if i leave her. She is in therapy and I am in trouble for putting this issues first and “in the current” while her therapist damns me for selfishly preventing her from allowing her therapy to take her back to her youthful abuse source. I cannot wait as i am deciding to stay or go before more infidelity occurs at my expense. Why is that so unfair to her therapist? Isnt it unfair and creates more suffering for mw to not have important questions that deide the direction i must go for my own well-being?

  • baron

    I recently had a very bad breakup with someone I believe has BPD. We are both in the process of divorces and she contacted in about 1.5 yrs ago and the first time I hesitantly met her and this slowly blossomed into a relationship. We were both in similar situations and we understood each other. Throughout the relationship there seemed to be a lot of chaos, lots of lies from her and she would embellish stories. She had episodes of shutting herself in for a couple days at a time, would just disappear at times and then tell me she was at her moms etc when later on I found out she really was not. She would have episodes of anger that surprised me. She told me several time she was afraid she would met me down, she also told me that she thought that I would always be there for her, and looked at me for reassurance. She has told me she loved me and at times was very genuine. However she also told me she is not sure at times if she knows what real love is. She comes from a physically and emotionally abusive background. Her dad did not like girls and did not want her as she was born 8 year after her brother and she never felt loved by him. She in private tells me she loves me but to other says she has no feelings for me, and that I am the one pursuing her. She loves playing the victim role. Now I am the bad guy.

    I love her very much and care for her deeply. After the break up which is 4 weeks ago, where she actually called the police on me. I have come to accept that I cannot help her, or ‘fix’ her. She has over the course of her 20yrs marriage refused any therapy. She has cheated on her husband and on me. However my feelings have not changed for her. She is deep down inside a very good person, who is amazing and loving at times. I feel that I can only accept her for who she is, love her, care for her be there to support her.

    We have not spoken in a weeks. What do I do? Do I walk away and that would be the safest and easiest way. Do I attempt to contact her down the road and reassure here that I care about her and love. her. Love comes along very infrequently. I have certainly met my share of people but have not felt this strongly about someone. I work hard, I have found this relationship to be emotionally taxing. But I recognize how hard this whole thing is. I would like thoughts based on your experience. Can someone have a successful relationship with a BPD partner, and what are the steps and understandings I must have to be supportive to make that happen.

  • Killer B

    So, in a nutshell, a “Non” shapes their emotions to reflect reality, while a person with BPD shapes reality to reflect their emotions, right?

  • Thomas

    I was in a long-distance relationship with a BDP girl for one and half years. I am 41 and she is 33. We knew each other as friends for 12 years before initiating our relationship. Five months ago she started acting weird to me. When confronted in the kindest possible way, she did admit to having slept with another man on two occasions. Although I suspected the actual number to have been higher, I forgave her. She claimed that he was just a fling and that her feelings for me were differen altogether than what she felt for him and that she really loved me. When I insisted that she stop seeing the guy, she made a promise to me. Yet the very next morning, when I called her, I found the guy in her bed (I could hear his voice in the background). I could not make sense of anything. After ending our relationship, my ex paid for a 1,000 dollar plane ticket just to come see me for three days. She then told me again how much she loves me, and that she had stopped seeing the other guy. I loved her (and still love her), so I took her back. Yet shortly after, I caught her with the other guy once again, when I phoned her unexpectedly one morning. Although we have had no contact for some time now, I am still traumatized and extremely confused about what really happened. Until the end, she has insisted that she loved me, “no matter what happens”. I discovered that she started taking ecstasy when she met the new guy. She never took any kind of drugs in her whole life before. I got a message from one of her female friends telling me that my ex-girlfriend had revealed to her that I am the “love of her life”, and that the guy my ex is seeing is a player who is manipulating her, threatening to kill himself if she leaves him. My ex, when she visited me, did say something like “I don’t know why I am hurting you, when you are the one I love, while I am trying to please everybody else”. Now, I am wondering if I should believe her earlier words that “I am the love of her life”. After all the lying, I find it hard to believe. My question is: What should I believe? Does my ex really love me, or is she just lying (through her friend) to look good?

  • Rob Howard

    Although your ex may have a disease that does not mean you have to be subject to abuse from her or that she be allowed to do as she pleases. She may be telling the truth when she says “You are the love of my life” but she is not capable of following through with her actions. If you stay you will be subject to more hurt and pain

    Your ex has a disease. No amount of love from you will cure it.Love can not cure cancer nor can it cure BPD.It is up to you if you want to continue on this path of pain. Please stay away from her.

  • Frustrated

    I have been involved with a person I used to be a roommate with and we happen to go to the same church. Or I should say, used to go to the same church. I willingly left on my own because of the war she declared on me for my holding her accountable for her behavior/actions/lies to others in the church about me. I suspect has BPD. She never accepts responsibility for her actions. She always blames HER drama/lies/unacceptable behavior on my “being Crazy” and my “thinking” that “she is out to get me”. Meaning I am “paranoid” and she is an innocent victim, She has totally tainted others towards me and continues to do so even though I have not talked to anyone about her and even though I don’t even go to the church anymore and I haven’t been there in four months. I sent the pastor an email two days ago telling him about what had been happening and telling him factual inconsistencies that prove that she is not being honest about anything and about how I haven’t even been at the church for four months now. I told him this because I got an email from another woman in the church stating that I cannot go to a bible study/class there as they aren’t sure if I warrant forgiveness and that I have to have special guidelines if they change their mind to let me come back. A paragraph was added to my ex roommate asking her what her thoughts were on the matter and how she would feel about this. Well, funny because I have never really interacted with these ppl outside of church nor have I had private conversations at all with these people. So, what exactly do I need to be forgiven for? Nothing happened in church between them and myself……! The ex roommate sends me a text message today. I haven’t heard from her in a couple of months. She is now asking for mutual forgiveness and so I said, that I accept. Then in the next text after that, she says, Oh, and there is an emotional healing conference at the church next weekend. I think you should go and I am not out to sabotage you. As if she were saying, you are crazy, you don’t have a right to be upset about what I do, my feelings are the only ones that matter and that are valid and because you are upset and have feelings that are different than mine- you must have something wrong with you, and I am not going to be held responsible for what I do because you agreed to mutual forgiveness. And can I come over to her house???? The whole thing is CHAOS and I feel very unsafe being alone around her which makes me think maybe I AM losing my mind. Yet,I KNOW the factual behaviors, lies, chaos, drama,and etc and facts don’t lie. I have removed myself from the situation and it is STILL going on? I am wondering if I should just continue to stay away from her and the church? I want to go back to the church but I don’t see how I can as long as she is there doing her thing and ppl can’t see that she is the one creating all of the drama. I haven’t even been there for goodness sake. If I point that out and go over the FACTS with them then she plays the “oh she is just crazy and I am the innocent victim” card again and if I try to defend myself from all of her craziness, I DO end up sounding like the crazy one. Can someone really be that manipulative, deceitful, that Dr Jekyll/Dr Hyde that they can be appear to be an angel around them and yet deceitfully destroy me while somehow managing to been seen as the innocent victim in it all so she can get attention and be that much more of a devil when she is away from the church people? Can someone really lie and manipulate situations/people that well? OK. She might have a disease but I have feelings and a life too. That does not give her a right to ruin me or to toy with other people. That does not make her doings OK. How do you deal with someone that acts like this without having to sacrifice your needs and opportunities to have relationships with others when she will still be in the picture?

  • Willie James

    I need help because If I tell the guardian about my girlfriend BPD and her behavior they might take your child. She have been abuse to her child but she also love her child. She have lied several time about different things about me and her child. So should I tell the guardian about her behavior. If I tell them she might realize she do need to get help! Tell or not to tell?

  • katie

    I’ve been diagnosed with BPD two years. Now that I have the diagnosis I am far more aware of my behaviour. I lied a lot in the past about so many things. For me the lying I now know through therapy was away to gain control. I attracted the worst men who preyed on me because of my illness and would use and abuse me. Lying became my coping mechanism to gain some control. Just because one has this diagnosis doesn’t mean they are ‘written off’ so to speak. With the right therapy and looking after yourself one can make a good recovery.

  • June

    I’ve been friends with someone who has borderline disorder for 8 yrs we were best friends. It took me that long to figure out what is wrong with her. She was so fun most of the time and we were very close. But I noticed she would lie about everything. I ignored it for a long time. She would attack me physically on 3 diff occasions then when I’m about to leave cry and say everyone leaves Me.. Then she told me she was sodomised by my sons dad which I didn’t talk to at the time. And he locked her in a closet and did all these things to her.. Later I found out she was lying.. She won’t fully admit just says she was blind folded so she didn’t know if he was there or not. That lie and she made up more lies and back stabbed me so many different times that I ended our friendship. Ppl with this disorder are very sad people

  • Emily

    How should I handle a friend with BPD who keeps lying to me? I don’t want to discontinue the relationship because of her obvious concerns and fears of abandonment, but I don’t want to enable her lying either. This is after I’ve told her that I don’t want to be lied to. I’m very new to this friendship and to BPD, so I have really no idea what I’m doing here. Any advice would be extremely helpful. Thank you in advance!

  • Teresa

    As a mother of a 16 year-old BPD, I am mentally and emotionally drained from the last four years of constant (at least 2-3 times weekly) issues re: school, Juvenile Court-now has a Felony for battery- inpatient residential placement X2; at this point, either emancipating her as a minor, or waiting until she’s 18 and kicking her out with a restraining order would be a welcome relief…I KNOW a parent should have unconditional love…but I simply cannot take any more. It is now a matter of self-preservation for me. Feedback, anyone?

    P.S. And, yes, I’ve done all the positive approaches and all recommendations from the Doctors, Therapists, Case Managers, and Nurses.

  • Lino

    to all of you out there. They BPD lie once, twice, and ever and ever and ever. I divorced 6 months ago of a very pretty lady with a heavy BPD. last lie, she had sex with a guy (which I think is a long term Lover) in our own house, in my own room. I discovered the affair bugging my own room, I left a digital recorder recording while I left the house purposely minutes before she arrived. I taped all. While she was very cold sexually with my, she was the perfect lover with the outsider. What enraged me more was her denying the evidence and saying the most outrageous lies in order not to accept what she did, or avoiding at all cost even listening to the tape of her affair. So, I divorced. I can not understand how can someone stay married with a person that’s going to be unfaithful to you over and over and over, and lie lie lie lie. Something must be wrong with you too in order to accept that kind of behaviour. She was never willing to go for therapy, she is stil unwilling to go to therapy. And I thank the Creator every day that as soon as I filled for Divorce I looked for a psychiatrist and was he who made me see the light and explained to me, after a few appointments that most surely, my Ex had BPD. He even told me to do some research on it, when I did it, it was mind blowing…she was exactly what the research point out about them…So guys, girls, my advice: just get out of the relationship as soon as you can…they will destroy themselves and will destroy you in the process…only in the case of a person that actually accepts that has a problem and do therapy and take their medication will I advice you to stay…but even then, its going to be a bumpy ride….

  • Linda

    This is so painful, because my daughter has borderline personality disorder. And she has recently told some pretty horrific lies about me, even telling people that I am the one who suffers from borderline personality disorder, when in fact, she was diagnosed with it several years ago after she was raped and ended up on a hospital after trying to kill herself. Afterwards, I was the one who became the focus of all of her anger and blame. I love my daughter, and I forgive her, but I think she is beyond my ability to help.

  • Robert

    I have had several re bound relationships with a woman I have a child by, that comes and goes out of my life for the past 31 years. After being hoovered back into a relationship which was a roller coaster for 9 years, she dumped me once she got on her feet. She showed back up 3 years ago, 2009, out of the blue as if nothing happened. Asked me to marry her the second time we met. Claimed she was engaged 4 times in the 6 years we were apart. Long story short, I held off being sexual with her although that was a part of every conversation between us for 3 years. When we did have sex I asked her who else was in the picture just the that year? She swore no one else in the name of God. [She proclaimed she had a relationship with God and read the bible every day to stay strong] Well, I asked her three or four times about other relationships which each time she said the same thing, she was too fat, too christian, too ashamed etc ..To be honest I knew she was seeing a married man, who dumped her, an other man the same age as our son, 31 years old, as well as two others. How? her cell phone text messages to them and her girlfriends. When I finally told her she denied it all and said it was just flirting. She told me I would like to see these text, and said it was not true, I showed them to her. Her response: She disappeared and does not respond to any emails or calls.

  • Allyson

    I find it a bit disappointing that you imply most borderlines are women. Lying does not always go hand-in-hand, either. I have BPD and I am ridiculously honest and hate lying. Have a lied in the past? Sure, but as a general rule I stay away from it. It sucks that most people accuse all borderlines of lying about everything, it’s how my ex got away with as much abuse as he did (he’s now in prison for it). People still accuse me of lying about it.

  • Bon Dobbs

    This was written well before the NIAAA study that showed an equal representation of men and women with BPD. As for lying, borderlines are not really my audience. The family members are. They FEEL lied to. Everyone lies at times. I am trying to share with other family members of the people with BPD to look at the situation with a new set of eyes, with a new perspective, as opposed to the judgmental and accusatory about it. Your comment seems to infer that I am accusing you of lying, which, of course, I’m not.

  • Om Tom

    Blah, blah, blah. Yes, Bon Dobbs, let us not judge these poor innocent BPDs for the irrevocable damage they do unto others. They’re just poor little innocent angels who don’t know what they’re doing LOL.

    Family members “They FEEL lied to”, “everyone lies”. LOL.

    You should spend more of your energy trying to convince BPDs to stop lying, manipulating betraying people, since, well, y’know, that is the main problem – THEIR problem. Why the **** are you attempting to reverse the issue and say “Maybe the families to to re-evaluate”. No, the BPD is the problem, hence it being a disorder.

    You’re trying to normalize the disorder and demonize the normal. Just stop it, now, before you fool any gullible people on here.

  • Adrian

    Unfortunately, this is all too familiar. My child’s mother was much like this. She constantly told lies. The trouble is that no one ever called her on it and when she was caught out, she had a knack for convincing people that she didn’t know she was lying. It reminds me of the story of the boy who cried wolf, except that the villagers are too gullible to work out that they are being lied to. Unfortunately, while it’s possible to let a BPD know that you think they are lying, it’s incredibly difficult to be effective when they can convince everyone else they deal with that they are the victim. People like that are best avoided and if you are involved, start carefully developing a plan to extricate yourself before it destroys you. Given their sensitivity to rejection, the most effective means I have seen is to become undesirable to the point that the BPD affected person loses interest in you and starts looking elsewhere for affection. There’s a possibility that you may have ended up in this situation because you failed to set boundaries at the start of a relationship with someone who is manipulative. In this case coming across as a complete unassertive wimp incapable of satisfying their security instinct should be fairly authentic and effective.

  • BPD in CND

    You people are so hateful. Obviously, not all BPD are liars. I have been diagnosed and that doesn’t mean that I’m a write off, a liar, or manipulator. You are just increasing the stigma around this disorder. Non-BPD people lie too, all the time. It is ridiculous to think that everyone diagnosed will “destroy themselves” or others for that matter. Yes, accepting help and therapy is necessary, BPDs can fully recover.

  • Abandon BPD

    My BPD ex is a horrible human being. She had at least one affair that I know of. She with held my children and stripped me financially in family court, refuses to work, constantly lies, had me on supervision, made outrageous claims or rape and abuse to my kids, claims that I have to pay for everything and continue to support her. After 3 years in court my name is clear and my ex still continues to tell lies and continues to drag lies through family court. She continues to hurt the kids emotionally. The torture that she has put me through for years has left a very big scar. The tortue that she puts my kids through emotionally is horrible. Anyone placing a response on here who has being diagnosed with BPD or says, “there, there” go somewhere else as defending yourself or someone with BPD is pointless and I am sure would upset anyone who has been brutalised by a person with BPD. Put all the BPD’s on an island so they can mess with each other instead of hurting good people.

  • nonBPD

    I agree with Abandon BPD in many ways. I am in a relationship with a BDP and as a non, it is very difficult to have sympathy/empathy for someone who calls the police on you whilst ironically subjecting you to a beat-down. They do not deserve any kind of sympathy as they completely deny they have a problem which leads to ignoring calls to get therapy (as it is their ‘non BPD’ partners who in fact are mentally ill apparently). We have to pussyfoot around them all day everyday in case we accidentally light the fuse by sneezing or having the audacity to breathe. She refuses to seek help, refuses to believe she has a mental illness, lies compulsively, stops me seeing friends and family, abuses me physically and mentally, bad mouths pretty much everyone behind their back, threatens me if I speak to other girls. She is such a good liar in public, no one believes that this angel would ever hurt me and my cries for help are falling on deaf ears even with people close to me. I can slowly feel that I am dying from the inside out and do not know what to do.

  • Penny

    My 70 year old Mom has BPD, depression, and anxiety. I’m 46 years old and dealt with it all my life – mostly noticed it from my teens and onward. It seems to have gotten worse with age however. My Mom and Dad split about 20 years ago and her children now are the ones dealing with it. The lies or stories are esp hard. I believe they are completely made up. However, I have to worry if she is in psychosis or having a dissociative episode or a UTI. I try to confront her every once in awhile if what she is telling me is true or not true. My question is whether to confront her or not? It does create more drama if I do but I just want to make sure if she is really believing what she is saying. It has taken a big toll on my relationship and I wonder sometimes if I should continue to try but I believe she does love me and I had a good childhood despite all of her drama so I feel like I owe it to her by boy, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. But my question again is, does it help to confront her or not?

  • RMJ

    Being borderline myself I do as much research on the disorder as I can. I’ve read that borderlines are known for their lies and that there are some people who find justifications for it. I have lied and have made many poor judgement calls myself, however each time I do learn and done repeat the same action and lies.
    My sons father was a compulsive liar but he’s not bpd. It doesn’t seem right to categorize us as being such when many people fit the same.
    I also believe that bpd or not, here is no justification for lying. When I lie now, or have lied in the past, it may have been for the reasons listed I this article but bottom line….I knew it was wrong. A lie is a lie is a lie is a lie. People with bpd may not be able to regulate their emotions but we still know right from wrong.

  • D.

    People with BPD are, as is every person, individual. Also, as with all developmental concerns, BPD exists on a continuum of severe to mild. So, we can not assume all people with BPD act exactly the same. However, as I have personally experienced and have read in literally hundreds of blogs/responses/stories there is astonishing similarity across cases. Mine, in brief: six years, countless lies about everything, multiple infidelities (always a denial despite hard evidence), unfounded blame/accusation, gaslighting, failure to ever take responsibility, projection, her a taker, everything always about her, persecution complex, many thousands of dollars spent on her in our time together, I was “the love of her life” and the “man of her dreams” (even though she was having sex with other men), despite the verbal and physical abuse I deeply loved her and was willing to look at the good and ignore the bad, false accusations of assault, every man chests on/leaves me, etc. etc. This probably sounds extremely familiar to many. So, while not every person with BPD engages in that which I experienced and others have described, far too many do. In short, I would caution anyone with BPD who does not do these things to not get hurt feelings when people describe their experiences and to not assume that just because you don’t behave in these ways that others don’t either (there is too much evidence to the contrary). We are all simply trying to come to terms with the pain of lost hopes and dreams, abuse, betrayal, lost love, etc.

  • Harry

    People need to realize that the core fear of BPD is fear of abandonment, real or not.

    With black and white thinking, unstable self-image, impulsivity and fear of being alone. BPD are very vulnerable. Think about how many non BPD lie and cheat without these symptoms.

    I believe lying, guilt and shame is also a common trait BPD must lie to hide the guilt, shame and obviously the intense fear of abandonment.

    You non BPD people out there would be doing the same if you had BPD I’m sure of it.

    Along with very high emotions and lack of self worth, I believe there is no choice but too lie.

    Need to put yourself in BPD shoes.

    I love a BDP so much try my best to unconditionally care for her, without therapy my attempts are fruitless.

    Feel deeply for her pain. Love her more than anything, Now have tears, so sad.

  • Mike

    Just managed to extract myself from a toxic relationship with a BPD partner. Anyone who is involved with a BPD partner and thinks they may get better or can be helped is sadly mistaken END OF STORY.
    My 18 month relationship with my lady came (9 months) after the death of my wife from breast cancer. (bit too soon in hindsight)
    I missed the companionship of my beautiful wife and got drawn into a relationship with an extremely attractive lady with a killer body and very sexy and sassy personality.
    She portrayed herself as a woman not into dating etc and just wanted to find the man of her dreams.
    My now ex idolised me totally and the attention was intoxicating. Constant messages declaring her love whilst she was at work etc.
    I was not even aware of BPD until everything started to deteriorate after the “honeymoon” phase.
    Sick accusations of incest with my daughter etc. Everything just started getting really weird and scary.

    These people are chameleons that will draw you in. I fell deeply in love and am paying for it emotionally now.
    I know I am better off without her, but it has still cause so much pain

  • Barbara-Ann Mc Auley

    I am mother of an 18 year old girl who suffers from BPD. She has sacked the psychololgist 2 weeks ago, sacked the psychiatrist a week ago, has left college, has refused several job offers, yet attacks me for not giving her money. She lives with her father because she cannot live with me due to the fact that she has threatened me, my life, my financial well-being and my property on many occasions. I am been advised to consider a restraining order but I do not wish to go down that route. Regularly she calls me either to insult me or with a cry for wolf, demanding to be taken to Emergency but I am even afraid of her in the car because she can be so violent, so I say no to taking her yet again to Emergency, which will probably result in being for no reason, yet again – she has been to Emergency on so many occasions with me for so called self-harming, overdoses, etc, each time superficial or lies. Some friends tell me to let her hit rock bottom before she can bounce back and then others say that I need to respond to every cry because what if it’s the last one. I’m going out of my tiny mind trying to figure out what is the best way to help my daughter. She’s is bed at her father’s till around 3pm everyday and literally is doing nothing with her life right now, yet she is extremely intelligent, is a high achiever having obtained fantastic grades in high school, so much so was in the photo of “high achievers”. She’s currently in denial of having any diagnosis and tells me to get that into my thick skull but she could turn around next week and tell me she’s suicidal and would like me to find help for her. Yet, she’s cut herself free from the medical team I did find for her and because she’s 18, she’s allowed by the law to do this. Oh God help me someone to know what is the best thing a Mum can do. Professionals say to listen to your gut feeling. If I were to do that I’d be broke and exhausted from running to Emergency, medical professionals, etc everytime my daughter cries out. Some medical professionals say that by responding to her cries everytime, I am in fact enabling her condition. Again, help please, if you can.

  • Tommy

    If the consensual incest you are talking about is her brother, and taking into account the timeframe you wrote this, I think we literally “dated” the same woman and that we know each other. She went, in less than five months, from an absolutely hot and amazing woman into a lying cheating self-absorbed whore, who fucked everything that came her way. In fact, she used to openly flaunt her “friendships” right in front of me. Her lies made me think that I must be insane; that maybe I was mistaken about what I actually saw and heard. More than a year later, I’m amazed that I put up with her shit, or that I didn’t choke her to death out of rage and embarrassment. She pretty much destroyed any trust I could have with a woman again.

  • Jegson

    Sad but true… BPDs are incurable liars that will destroy you. From time to time, they will “appear” to get better and may even attend therapy. Any improvement will prove to be a fabrication as well.

    If you have hope, it means you’re early in the process. Just beware your success story—because it won’t last. Eventually, after being run over again and again and again, you will figure out that there is no cure. These people are beyond repair. Maybe they hurt. But the fact is that their hurt doesn’t mean that you have to hurt, too, and you aren’t hurting anyone whenever you hurt.

    The fact that they hurt does not excuse the fact that their behavior is pure evil. It’s their problem. Not yours. Get out. There is no improving. All you do by hanging around and trying to be “supportive” is prolong your own suffering and waste more of your own years. Long term, you’ll find that out, too.

  • Mary

    I needed this site about 5 months ago but am grateful to have found it now. I need to vent so apologize in advance. I just got out of a “friendship” with a BPD. She is a former student whom I tried to help when she was in school but could never quite make a breakthrough. At age 20, she contacted me again and was suicidal, I got to her in time and took her in to my home. My family was accepting and tried to help me help her. She became a foster child (in word only due to her age.) Long story short, I was in danger of losing my own sanity in trying to help this person. Got her counseling, worked with welfare to pay insurance bills, gave her a home, family, clothing, allowance (she convinced a counselor that she was emotionally traumatized and needed to be treated like a 12 year old), etc., ad nauseum. I needed a break to re-group and we came to what I thought was a mutual time out with specific goals and timeline for each of us to be able to continue. After a week, she started to become very manipulative and I worked with my own counselor to stay firm and protect myself. At this point, total estrangement is where we are. I still worry about her and probably always will. She has become even more hurtful to me. She is not “Cured” and has attached herself to another family. I am afraid that she will become a sex slave and/or become suicidal again, or worse do to other families what was nearly done to mine. I will always bear the scars from this “good deed” attempt. Her bio family is totally messed up and she has lied to them over and over again. I actually feel sorry for them even though they are a large part of this person’s problem. Horrible situation all around. Hoping that others will help me improve mental health services in this country. I am convinced that much of the mass murders, opioid abuse, violent crime, robberies, etc., is persons who can’t or won’t get the help they so desperately need. I’m writing congressional reps., anyone else I can think of… I really and truly thought I could help this person but I also realize that although BPD is a horrible way to live, the BPD ultimately has to be responsible for WANTING to get help and being willing to do the hard work required to help decrease the symptoms of BPD. BPD cannot become an excuse for those who refuse to get help.

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