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BPD and Lying - again...

I believe there are several basic motivations to lie when you have BPD. There are also two types of lies: by admission (by telling) and by omission (by not telling). Both types are a problem with someone with BPD. The motivations for telling a lie (or omitting truth) by someone with BPD are as follows:

1.    When it is more painful to admit or tell the truth.
2.    When she wants the other person to think “better” of her than she thinks of herself.
3.    To avoid the judgment of the other person or judgment of herself.
4.    When she can’t see the “truth” because of emotional reasoning brought on by the refractory period of the emotion felt. In other words, when feelings = facts.

The first three of these factors play a role in the lies of someone with BPD and they are often inter-related. If the person to whom the lie is told is likely to judge the person with BPD as “bad” or “deficient,” the expectation of disapproval triggers first rejection sensitivity and then shame, because the person with BPD actually feels deep inside that, if she admits the truth, the other person will “find out” that she is a “bad person” and reject her fully. The last motivation is “emotional reasoning.”

I bring up these motivations not to “let liars off the hook” but to point out something: a person with BPD does not live in the same “reality” as you (the Non) do. Your truth is informed by what you see, hear, experience and what you believe about those inputs. A person with BPD is most often informed by her feelings about the experiences. These feelings can be misaligned with the facts and, as Paul Ekman notes in Emotions Revealed, a person overcome with strong emotions “cannot incorporate information that does not fit, maintain or justify the emotion.” In effect the original lies can be motivated by the inability to see information that doesn’t support the feelings. When someone is emotionally dysregulated, she just can’t see the truth if it doesn’t match what she is feeling.

In effect, she is not really “lying,” but merely pointing out “facts” (or generating them) that support her overwhelming emotion about the situation. The subsequent lies, which are used to “cover up” or support the emotional reasoning, are typically done for one of the first three motivations, particularly the idea that you would think of her as less of a person (and deservedly so) if it was revealed that she lied in the first place. I think there can be some argument about whether deep-down a person with BPD really believes the original lie (or any of those generated by motivation number four) when she exits the prolonged refractory period. My suspicion is that deep down a person with BPD is more concerned with the pain and shame the revelation of the lie will cause her than with repairing, rather than repeating, the lie.

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When Hope is Not Enough
Get the Non-BPD book
that has helped hundreds!
If you have the disorder, give it to you loved ones! It will help.

While it is useful to know the motivations behind the lies, it still doesn’t make the lies any less hurtful. Being lied to is a painful and hateful experience for the Non. It destroys trust and personal integrity and leads to suspicion and paranoia. When someone specifically lies to you (by admission) or is secretive (by omission), you end up feeling angry, saddened and disconnected from your loved one with BPD. It is a confusing, embarrassing and painful experience.

Each of the motivations can be removed by:
Number 1: Pain management, distress tolerance (when the pain can’t be removed) and self-soothing
Number 2: Self-acceptance*
Number 3: Self-acceptance and developing the ability to tolerate judgment
Number 4: Emotional modulation

* a quick note on Number 2. I have known at least 3 borderlines rather well in my life. I have also known about 3 more peripherally (and of the 6 – not including my wife – 5 are female). But the 3 that I have known well (2 women and 1 man), ALL of them used motivation #2 to generate seemingly outlandish lies. Sometimes, each of them would have to “own up” to the lies and that was a painful experience I’m sure. I know if I every have to own up to lies, it is painful for me. I can only imagine how painful it is for someone with as much shame as a borderline feels.

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4 comments to BPD and Lying – again…

  • Lying is the worst symptom of my borderline (or so my husband says). So many times it seems easier to lie to him than tell the truth. The truth may hurt me, I always think to myself. In reality, the truth will hurt a lot less than telling a lie and getting caught.

  • My question for you what is the motivation? You’ve said to avoid pain. Will the pain come from your hubby’s judgment? Or something else? Self-invalidation perhaps? I guess you are following motivation #1?

  • CAT

    About 6 months ago I told my hubby that I was raped simply because I thought he didn’t care about me and didn’t want me anymore and that is the way that I tried to get attention. I told him today that what I said was a lie. He is so hurt by this and wants a divorce as in yesterday.

    WHAT CAN I DO!!!!!!

  • What I would do is this: tell him that you lied because you wanted sympathy and felt alone. That you were sad at the time and you felt you needed more communication. You lied to make yourself feel better, not to hurt him or deceive him in a malicious way. When a person is sad and lonely, they might do and say things that they wouldn’t otherwise do and say, so that they can make a connection and feel better. The lie was about YOUR feelings of loneliness and sadness. It was not about him. That being said, lying is not an effective method to deal with your sadness, because, if the lie is discovered, you feel guilt and shame and more sadness. Tell him that you will try and be more truthful with your feelings, rather than have your feelings shape the “truth” – which is what you were doing before by lying.

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