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Emotional Independence
When new members “wash up on the shores” of the ATSTP list, they are confused, angry, helpless and exhausted. One thing I also noticed is that new members are emotionally entangled with their loved ones with BPD. Sometimes when people speak of “boundaries,” they use the phrase “where you end and I begin.” The word boundary has many meanings, and have talked about effective boundaries a lot on this blog. Yet, this idea of “where you stop and I begin” is very important when you’re entangled in another person’s emotions. A Non-BPD must learn to heal, to unpack emotional baggage, to acquire the emotional skills to help to detangle the…
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Ok, Bon, what’s wrong with boundaries?
A page from my eBook “Beyond Boundaries”…. In a word, nothing. What I have a problem with is people using only boundaries (also known as “limits”). I have a problem with people thinking that boundaries are the end-all, be-all of relationship tools. I also have a problem with people using “boundaries” that are not really boundaries at all. Let me explain… Many in the Non-BPD support community (loved ones of people with borderline personality disorder – BPD) seem to latch on to boundaries as the main tool for dealing with their loved one with BPD. While boundaries (if understood and used properly) can be an effective tool for you, boundaries…
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How to set boundaries to protect yourself and improve living with a BP?
“How to set boundaries to protect yourself and improve living with a BP?” OK, I don’t normally do it, but today I went out to my old (circa 2005-2006) haunt – WTO (i.e. “Welcome to Oz”). WTO is the largest non-BP board on the Internet. It’s been around or at least 10 years and has over 4,000 members. Most of the members are quiet (like me). I used to post way back when and got into a number of “altercations” with people because I was presenting a different approach to people with BPD than the majority of the members. Mostly, it’s people who have just started trying to figure out…
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Boundaries from the ATSTP Group
Here’s a snippet from one of my posters in ATSTP. It does a good job of explaining boundaries: Forgive me, but I feel the need to restate what Bon wrote to you about boundaries. They are not about your partner’s actions. They are about yours. In essence, boundaries are what you do with YOURSELF — AFTER the line’s been crossed. And eventually, they become what you do to put yourself in a position so the line CAN’T be crossed. They really have nothing to do with the “perpetrator”. If that’s confusing, think of it this way: 1. The law says: Don’t go over 55 mph. (That’s a rule, not a boundary.)…
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Boundaries and BPD
I think there is a lot of confusion about boundaries, which they are and how they apply to BPD. I plan on featuring some discussion and information about boundaries here. Here is a snippet from the Anything to Stop the Pain email list about boundaries: I don’t think most boundaries are consciously set. I feel most of them are designed into us as a survival mechanism. Many of these function at an emotional rather than rational level of the mind.” – an ATSTP member on boundaries Emotions are built-in mechanisms to detect and avoid threats. They are part of the “animal brain” (the limbic system) and operate at a lower…