Borderline Personality Disorder,  Resources

Net BPD Myth Debunking from “Tides…”

myths.jpgA few weeks ago I discovered the “Tides of Crazy Love Blog,” which is written by someone I “know” (meaning I know her via an email board). I LOVE her writing. I really do. Recently, she started “debunking” Internet myths and misunderstanding about BPD. More power to her! Here is an excerpt from her debunking the “Rules of Engagement” from (the first paragraph comes from

“Rule #5: If at any time the Non figures out the Rules of Engagement for BPD Land, the BPD’er must change the situation, rewrite history, and thereby purchase the Non a one way ticket back to BPD Land.” (BON Note: this is excerpted from rules of engagement)”

[Oh, good grief! This rule is crazy-making to me! Sheesh! The author writes as if the BP has the ability to come up with some big elaborate plan to drink, steal, cheat and lie. I’m beginning to think this person was dealing with an NP or an anti-social-type, not a BP. (Or MAYBE she was an NP and was merely projecting her own inner motives behind why she feels BPs do what they do. BTW, I suspect that some nons do come out of BP relationships with many more narcisistic characterists than they went in with… especially when abuse is part of the history between them. This seems to be the case with my mother and my MIL, anyway.)

Again, BPs impulsively react during moments of dysregulation… initially in response to a feeling (anxiety or fear, oftentimes) and their behavior can escalate as a result of their thoughts when they believe someone has invalidated their feeling (judged/persecuted them.) Their instinctive (or possibly “learned” in abusive situations) nature is to please, they suffer incredible amounts of shame… therefore, why would they PLAN to be bad? The fact is, most never learned how to do this “planning” thing effectively, which is why they are so prone to total freak-outs. They don’t know what else to do at that moment to make themselves feel better. In addition, they sit around ruminating about their own mistakes so much, they don’t have time to come up with a plan for their own healing, much less a plan for anything else. They live in the moment.

Yes, that’s exactly it. I’d love to post “Tides…” complete debunking posts. They’re great. Check them out here:


  • Rick7753

    When I write about my experience as a Non with my wife that has BPD, I often find I have to add a disclaimer that I do NOT believe my wife was plotting grand

    conspiracies to control and manipulate me, that I do believe she was driven by sub conscience impulses and her disorder. This is because, as I describe events and

    effects of my wife’s BPD, it often appears that she very was plotting against me.

    When rational people try to make sense of irrational acts, they are forced to either dismiss and distance themselves from the irrational person as just plain CRAZY or

    go through even more tortured downward spiraling logic to make some rational sense of the irrational.

    Although Tides is being overly defensive, she does brings us very good information to help understand the disorder and understand the irrational behavior.

    Here’s the thing you’re being dismissive about; since I have only been out of the fog for a little more than a year now. When I was still in the fog and suffering

    horribly under the abuse from my BPD wife, that after decades had worn me down to be horribly co-dependent in some misguided attempt of thnking I was doing the best to

    keep calm in the home to raise our children; Tides description would have went right over my head, I would have asked myself, “Shame” “living in the moment” that would

    NOT describe my wife, she shames me constantly, she is NOT carefree living in the moment.

    But the original poster from rules of engagement would have spoke to me, I would recognize it right away. We should NOT dismiss information that speaks to the Non in

    laymen terms, that is very much rational trying to make sense of irrational behavior.

    So both post have merit and are very helpful, but you have to frame them in the context of the audience. I am always disappointed when I see BPD advocates have so

    little empathy for Non’s that have suffered horribly under BPD’s. My apologies in advance to Tides if that is out of character for her, I have NOT read her blog and

    do NOT intend to slight her, but I have seen it elsewhere as well.

    Let’s all remember, for Non’s trying to make sense of BPD, when they are out of the fog or maybe still in it and try to rationally process all the irrational behavior

    it really comes down to only two possible causes that could cause a rational person to act so irrationally and with such malice, either someone treacherously plotting

    to do them harm or someone acting out in a total panic driven by fear in dire, life threatening circumstances that then they must hide their failure of courage and the

    horrible things done in their panic and fear out the overwhelming shame they feel. Well clearly they were NOT in dire life threatening circumstances, as a Non we

    constantly reassured them and tried to calm them to understand how things were NOT as they felt, so the only rational explanation we are left to conclude was there

    were driven to treacherously plot against the victims of their disorder.

    With further understanding and knowledge does come the realization that in the BPD’s mind they were in fear equal to dire and life threatening situations, totally

    panicked, acting in fear, and then can NOT face the overwhelming shame of their abject cowardice which further drives them to shift the blame to their Non.

  • Bon Dobbs

    I approved your comment. I appreciate most opinions. The thing is… I have almost 10 years of awareness about BPD now. Yes, Nons face a lot of pain. At the same time, there is a road to acceptance and compassion. I don’t know your story… yet at some level I do.

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