Ask Bon: Why does my loved one with BPD fear judgment so much?

A person with BPD fears judgment almost to the point of being allergic to it. She is extremely sensitive to judgment from other people, even if that judgment is merely perceived. Because of the shame (the belief that she is a bad person and deserves to be deemed as such) and the rejection sensitivity, a person with BPD avoids situations in which her actions can be judged by others. When I say “judged” here and “judgment,” what I am referring to is not “using one’s better judgment” in a situation, but rather it is the sense that a person’s actions or the person herself can be judged as “right or wrong” in a given context.

Interestingly, even with a strong fear of judgment of herself and her own behavior and self, she also tends to judge other’s behavior and character harshly. How many times has your loved one with BPD told you that you were doing something “wrong” or that you are a “mean” or “bad” person?

Fear of judgment and emotional reactions to judgment (real or perceived) is a major issue for a person with BPD. Judgment of her actions causes emotional pain and to avoid judgment, she might lie or avoid social situations in which she feels she will be judged. If she is consistently concerned with doing something “the right way” or she feels that you think she “does everything wrong,” it is likely that she suffers from a fear of judgment.

Additionally, there is a stigma associated with being “crazy” when a person has BPD. A person with BPD might feel “not normal” inside and might have felt that way most of her life. However, if the outside world labels as “crazy” or “not normal” or “mentally ill,” it becomes an external validation for what she might already feel. The fact that others “know” about her can make her feel exposed. It is a form of judgment and fear of it that reduces the likelihood that the person will “admit” she has a problem.