Comments on: The validating statement revealed

By: Emotional Validation with Honesty | Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPs

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 19:07:21 +0000

[...] few months ago I posted a piece on the validating statement and earlier today I posted on the I-AM-MAD communication tool. While both recommend validation [...]

By: CC

CC — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 23:01:40 +0000

Book’s on the way. Thanks, Bon. This site is really helping me. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. Will let you know how it goes after reading the book.

By: Bon Dobbs

Bon Dobbs — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 06:59:26 +0000

Well, obviously I can’t diagnose your partner. Self-injury is definitely more a BP trait than NPD. I DO have to say, if he IS BPD, validation can help. It take a LOT of practice though. Just using the words does not insure a feeling of honesty. He might find your attempts at validation as patronizing… my wife did too at my first attempts. But with practice and (most importantly) honesty (and non-judgment) validation can help to douse the flaming emotional fires. Join our group and see what happens… oh, and read WHINE.

Take care,

Bon

By: CC

CC — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 02:29:41 +0000

I thought your post about the # of women complaining about their male companions’ BPD, and how it might actually be NPD, very interesting. I considered that about my boyf but a lot of what he’s been through and his actions seem to fit the BPD profile more. He has self-injured (his thighs are covered in huge gash scars) and been suicidal in the past, he has an abusive past that he refuses to discuss, he said he does not trust people, he goes from very loving to very hateful in seconds without anything that seems like a trigger, and he has had plastic surgery and plans on getting more even though he’s good looking. I know he’s had trouble making friends in the past and alternatingly degrades and idealizes the people in his life to the point of having lost some friends. I know that when this happens, it makes him very sad, even though he helped cause the rift. There is such a push/pull feel at all times. He has not been diagnosed, and I’m no doctor, but I’m not able to see another explanation for his behavior. When he starts insulting, it feels like a rage, and it’s usually very over the top. He does not seem to be an NPD person, because when he’s not raging, he’s extraordinarily caring and empathetic towards others. I am still trying to figure out ways of responding to him when he starts his insult storms. Sometimes when I try to respond in a caring way, like “Hey I see that you’re upset – I care about you” he thinks that I’m patronizing him. If I try to defend myself, he lays in harder. If I get upset, he lays in harder. If I make a joke out of it, sometimes I can him out of it, and sometimes I can’t. I have yet to tell him that I think he has BPD because I don’t want him to think I’m attacking him. He doesn’t respond well to that. So I’m waiting for the right time/way to talk with him about this, because I think he may need help. I love him though. He doesn’t rage like this most of the time. He’s almost 2 completely different people. Once I brought that to his attention during a calm time and I asked him if he acted that way sometimes defensively, and he said yes, and he said I’d probably never understand. Telling him he can trust me doesn’t help – he doesn’t trust me to begin with. I will keep reading though too.

By: CC

CC — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 23:52:56 +0000

Hi! I’m glad to have found your site. I agree with your assessment of non-BPD support sites and have not really found any of them helpful. I’m looking for healthy ways to respond to the man I love who I believe has BPD when he says degrading things to me. I don’t know how to draw boundaries or address him when he starts raging. I usually say, “I see that you’re upset. Can you tell me why?” But there usually doesn’t appear to be any kind of trigger, and I don’t think he’s really angry at ME. But it gets to a point of being almost abusive towards me. I don’t internalize his insults because I like myself and I know he cares for me and I can see that it’s coming from a place of pain for him, not a place of meanness or arrogance. But I don’t always know how to respond. Sometimes I joke him out of it. I informed him that every time he insulted me, I would say something nice about him. So I’ll make some kind of mistake and he’ll yell, “THAT WAS REALLY STUPID.” and I’ll say, “I’m not perfect, and neither are you, and I love you.” Sometimes that actually works to calm him. But I don’t really know that it’s healthy. Sometimes he does it in front of other people. I need to figure out how to draw boundaries with him without shutting him off or making him think that I want to leave him. I don’t. Anyway, I haven’t finished reading all the posts. I assume there’s no easy answer. He does not like talking about what is really making him upset, when he’s upset. Sometimes he disappears for a couple of weeks and then pops back up again. I let him know in between hearing from him how much I like him and miss him. He goes from extreme gentleness to extreme hatred in less than 5 seconds, without anything that seems like a trigger. I can handle his rage, but I don’t always know how to respond to the insults in a way that calms him. I know that he doesn’t mean it, and therefore I excuse it. My friends say that I make excuses for him. And I know that I do that, but knowing some of the things he’s been through, and knowing that this is his coping mechanism and that he doesn’t mean any of what he says, really, I do make excuses for him. But it is painful to think that he is so frightened of me, and I want him to know that he can trust me. I don’t know how to accomplish that, although things have gotten better, generally, the more we know each other. Thanks for your posts.

By: Bon Dobbs

Bon Dobbs — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:48:36 +0000

Yes, I know that they can sound patronizing and trite – that is one of the problems. I think it takes a change of style AND attitude to get your mind around this. You really have to BELIEVE what you’re saying is truth and not just use it as a “trick.” I have found that most people don’t even know about validation, much less how to do it. Many people don’t recognize the power of emotions to affect our thinking and behaving. I try and point that out. Also, people are generally VERY judgmental.

By: Wandering Coyote

Wandering Coyote — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:44:59 +0000

Great lists, and great post.

In dealing with BPD and with those that deal with us who have BPD, it’s amazing how communication styles differ, and what an impact just editing your statements can make. On the other side of it, I have found, sometimes people say things that, while said in a validating way, are so trite, so patronizing. Some people have the skills and some people don’t. I just have to sit back and not take anything personally – which of course is hard but something I’ve become better at over the years.