Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPDs » Anything to Stop the Pain – For Non-Borderlines and Loved Ones of People with BPD

Ask Bon: How do I balance validating somebody’s feelings with protecting myself or my children from emotional abuse?

Bon Dobbs — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 15:23:16 +0000

Q: How do I balance validating somebody’s feelings with protecting myself or my children from emotional abuse?

A: This is an excellent question and one that I have grappled with for years. My wife’s behavior before I started down the path to effectiveness was off-the-charts and was affecting my children’s feelings of safety in our household. Numerous times I felt the only solution to protecting my children was to leave my wife and apply for full custody of our children. When my wife was “acting out” and/or in a rage around the children, I would take the kids to the library or to events around town. I worried that they would associate going to the library (a nice quiet place) with my wife’s raging. However, once I understood the reason for her raging, I also understood that there was a more effective solution to my wife’s behavior. The reason my wife was raging was because she had dysregulated emotional states that were painful for her, yet out-of-line with the evidence of the world around her. Still, these emotional states seemed quite real and justified to her. All of her life she has felt that her very being is under threat from those around her. This situation causes fear in her, but the fear quickly turns to rage and no-holds-barred behavior toward others, even those she supposedly loved. In fact, this dangerous and confusing behavior was worse with the immediate family. The reason is that she felt that her emotional states were not understood, not accepted and judged by those with whom she had the most at stake. If your immediate family doesn’t accept you, who will? This judgment and rejection was seen as a prelude to abandonment, rejection and confirmation of her shame. This situation made her frightened, desperate and angry. The anger then translated into rage from which much of the emotional abuse arises.

Behavior is most often conditioned and based on previous beliefs, reactions and conditions. I found that if you, as a loved one of someone with BPD, change the conditions, the behavior will change. If the emotions are accepted and validated, they don’t typically spiral out of control and trigger dangerous abusive behavior. It is not a question of right and wrong, like many people believe it is. It is a question of effective reactions and behavior on your part versus continuing to react ineffectively and, essentially, throwing gasoline on a raging fire. Better to put out the fire with water, which is a soothing elixir. Punishing a person for their feelings becomes translated into more shame since “all feelings all the time” is how they “are”. Rejection confirms that to the borderline that he/she is a bad person, which, in turn, causes more and more rage. Remember, however, that emotions and behavior are not synonymous. You can validate emotions without condoning the resultant behavior.

What about past abusive behavior? When will my borderline take responsibility for that? Should I let that go?

If I’ve learned anything about borderlines in the past five years, it’s that they generally know what they’ve done “wrong” in life, whether or not they will admit it to you. The shame component causes a “deepest, darkest” reflection about who they really are. When a borderline identifies with a particular role in life – such as being a mother – anything that threatens that identity is usually met with fire. Yet, on the flip-side of the defense of their very being, there’s shame, unworthiness and self-flagellation. It is most likely that your borderline will punish herself for the discretions she has committed. Of course, sometimes, the emotion-fueled behavior is not even remembered. It’s sometimes an emotional vomit session to get all the bad feelings out, to purge the nasty sickness of the painful emotions – of course, those around them can get spewed on. When I said that it might not be remembered some time ago on the ATSTP list, I got a response from a recovered borderline that went “oh, we remember it. We just can’t run to the toilet when it is occurring. And we almost always see the mess that has been made and feel bad about it afterwards.”

My suggestion about “balance” between validation and protecting the children from emotional abuse boils down to the belief that, if the borderline doesn’t let the emotions run away with them, the abusive behavior will (almost) cease entirely. I still get raging from my wife every once in a while – maybe once every 4-6 months. It used to be once every 2-3 days, then it was 2-3 weeks, then once a month and so on. What I changed was the environment for my wife’s emotional expression. I stopped judging her. I validated her when she felt bad. I built a safe, accepting environment for her emotional life. One that she has never experienced before. It was not my “fault” that she felt that way – it was merely how is actually was in her life. I had to accept the reality of the situation and do what I could do to change it.

Several members of the ATSTP list have reported that once they “turned their mind” (and behavior/reactions) toward what I purpose in WHINE, the raging in their borderlines ceased. The Buddha said of dependent origination: “When this exists, that comes to be. With the arising of this, that arises. When this does not exist, that does not come to be. With the cessation of this, that ceases.” My suggestion to each of you is to cause the “ceasing of this” (the non-accepting, judgmental, invalidating environment) to insure that “that ceases” (the abusive, dysregulated behavior).

NOTE “Ask Bon” is a new category within this blog in which Bon answers burning questions about being a non-BPD from his perspective and with the skills an attitudes with which he was able to rebuild his relationship with his borderline wife. The opinions are Bon’s alone.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

The Top Five Must-Have Books for Partners of People with BPD

Bon Dobbs — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 18:47:38 +0000

The top five must-have books for partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). These are must-reads!

When Hope is Not Enough

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, & Distress Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better

Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

A Review of WHINE by someone with BPD

Bon Dobbs — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 20:04:45 +0000

The other day I received a review on Amazon about my book When Hope is Not Enough from an individual who identified himself as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Here’s the text of the review:

Got BPD? Get This! Great for Everyone Who Needs Validation!, June 16, 2011

I have BPD and I love this book! I no longer walk around feeling like BPD is stamped on my forehead and everything I say or do is a result of my lousy emotional filtering. I can constructively offer suggestions to myself (or others) on how I would rather be treated or spoken to. I can laugh with myself and my partner when something my partner says today about 1 cup of noodles sets off a cascade leading back huge resentment about to 2 tons of dirt and threats of leaving —10 years ago. I am proud of myself as a unique person. I can notice feelings of shame without going down the tubes. My partner bought this book for herself and I love it FOR ME! I don’t feel criticized or judged. I feel validated. I am happy and proud. I’ve been dealing with BPD diagnosis for over 35 years and this book is so fantastic! Give it to your DBT therapist, family members, yourself. This is the only book I have ever written a review for. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

I’m posting it here for more than just shameless promotion of my book (click here for the post on “Why I Bothered to Write a Book”). I’m posting it to point out that people with BPD generally like my work and approach to BPD. That’s more than can be said of Stop Walking on Eggshells which I know from the borderlines who I know despise SWOE. The reason seems to be that in WHINE, I promote something that one of my list members calls the “Platinum Rule” of interpersonal behavior. The platinum rule states “treat others like they wish to be treated” (as opposed, of course, to the Golden Rule “treat others as you wish to be treated”). People with BPD and other emotionally sensitive people wish to be treated in a particular way. They respond positively to a certain way of treatment. Sometimes I get people comment on my methods as being too “easy” on the borderline, “letting the borderline win”, “giving into the borderline” or “not holding the borderline responsible for their actions”. The reality is that when a person is being treated like they wish to be treated, most of the poor behavior will fall away. When someone feels heard and accepted, there’s no need to scream and yell to be heard and accepted. I heard a borderline daughter once tell her mother “you only listen to me when I’m screaming at you”. That sort of thing goes away when you actually listen and accept the person and understand what they are really saying. I believe that much of the trouble between borderlines and their loved ones is due to a communication problem. Borderlines speak one language, their families speak a completely different language. WHINE really seeks to give you the tools to be fluent in the borderline’s (or any emotionally sensitive person’s) language. Several people on my list have reported that when they started speaking the borderline’s language, the raging, yelling and abusive behavior ceased – in some cases almost immediately.

I like to sell books as much as any other author. Yet, sales is not the reason I write or continue to write, here and on the ATSTP list. In reality, I continue because I discovered something that worked really well for me and wanted to share it with other people who were in the same predicament I was in a few years ago. And, of course, this review also demonstrates that even borderlines like WHINE, so the dread that you may have experienced when your BPD partner finds SWOE might be mitigated if your BPD partner finds WHINE (and actually reads it).

See larger image

When Hope is Not Enough (Kindle Edition)

By (author) Bon Dobbs

List Price:	$7.50 USD
Release date June 15, 2008.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

When Hope is Not Enough now available on the Nook

Bon Dobbs — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 14:40:55 +0000

My book When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is now available on Barnes and Noble’s Nook. Now the book is available in most electronic platforms including the Kindle, the Nook, the iPad and in PDF form to read on a computer. It is also available in printed form through Amazon, Barnes and Noble and through the publisher Lulu, which has the lowest price currently.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

A primer on Emotional Dysregulation and its role in Borderline Personality Disorder

Bon Dobbs — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 14:36:40 +0000

Emotional Dysregulation and BPD

What is important for Non-BPDs to realize about BPD-like conditions and disorders is that they have a core component in common, which is called emotional dysregulation. A disturbance to one’s emotional regulation system can exhibit itself in a number of ways, and the behavior of the borderline (a person with BPD) and the feelings of the Non-BPD are generally confused and misunderstood unless seen through a lens of emotional dysregulation. Emotional dysregulation is not a “grand excuse” to remove responsibility from a disordered person. No, it’s a “grand explanation” to explain the reflexive (yet often confusing) behavior of a disordered person. It’s a way of understanding the motivations (reflexive behavior to stop powerful emotions – which is what IAAHF means) and the intent (to get out of pain).

I put the words emotional dysregulation in bold because that concept is vital for the Non-BPD to understand what BPD is all about. What upsets the Non-BPDs most about the disorder is the behaviors associated with BPD – raging, lying, substance abuse, unfaithfulness, dangerous risk-taking and others. The Non-BPDs feel put-upon and under siege, yet what motivates the behaviors of the borderline is that they are awash with negative emotional states. They have a reduced capacity to regulate their emotions.

Dr. Marsha Linehan, the developer of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), states it this way:

The components of emotion vulnerability are sensitivity to emotional stimuli, emotional intensity, and slow return to emotional baseline. “High sensitivity” refers to the tendency to pick up emotional cues, especially negative cues, react quickly, and have a low threshold for emotional reaction. In other words, it does not take much to provoke an emotional reaction. “Emotional intensity” refers to extreme reactions to emotional stimuli, which frequently disrupt cognitive processing and the ability to self soothe. “Slow return to baseline” refers to reactions being long lasting, which in turn leads to narrowing of attention towards mood-congruent aspects of the environment, biased memory, and biased interpretations, all of which contribute to maintaining the original mood state and a heightened state of arousal.

Essentially what you’re dealing with is someone who reacts strongly and emotionally to the slightest provocation, who will dwell on those intense emotional reactions for periods longer than you might. A person with BPD-like traits heats up quickly and cools down slowly. I’m sure that if you have been dealing with such a person for an extended period of time, you will have noticed that she seems to fly off the handle at the slightest comment or action, no matter how unintended the “offense.”

Someone with BPD will be more sensitive to emotional cues and triggers from the environment, will react more intensely to these cues, and will take longer to “return to baseline,” or will be under the effects of strong emotions for longer than other, less emotionally-reactive people. Many times, because of the low tolerance for emotional cues or triggers, the person with BPD will react with alarm even though their emotional reaction does not match the reality of the environment.

We all have emotions and react emotionally to events in our lives. That’s one of the things that makes us human and that we all share – disordered or not. What separates us is our emotional profile. A person with BPD gets into powerful emotional states more easily than other people, and her reactive period lasts longer than with other people. A person with BPD is like a cork floating on a stormy sea of negative emotions and her emotional profile is like a volcano. Yet, one has to understand that the emotions feel as real as any other emotional reaction even if the intensity is high. A person reacting to emotional states will, for the most part or until they train themselves to do otherwise, react in the natural fashion that anyone would react to strong emotions: attack with anger, flee with fear, withdrawal with sadness and rejoice with joy.

(adapted from When Hope is Not Enough)

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

WHINE sells over 100 copies in a month

Bon Dobbs — Fri, 13 May 2011 15:45:11 +0000

I am pleased to announce that When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder sold over 100 copies last month for the first time since the first month of it’s publication. I have received many messages from my readers about how helpful the book can be for loved ones of people with BPD. (Of course, I’ve received a few complaints too). WHINE is a book about staying with a person with BPD. It is NOT a guide to splitting up and/or disowning someone with BPD. It grew out of my experiences with my wife and daughter with BPD/BPDish traits. I “hope” that it will continue to help those who are desperately looking for answers and, more so, an approach that is effective for those with BPD!

See larger image

When Hope is Not Enough (Paperback)

By (author) Bon Dobbs

List Price:	$19.95 USD
New From:	$18.21 In Stock
Used from:	$17.30 In Stock

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Reinforcement and “Behaving Better”

Bon Dobbs — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 18:10:13 +0000

Reinforcement, especially positive reinforcement, is a powerful teaching tool. You could more accurately say “training” tool. You have probably used reinforcement in your life without even realizing it. Consider potty training. If you have ever potty-trained (or as many modern texts call it “toilet taught”) a toddler, you know how difficult that task can be. However, all kids eventually learn to use the potty – I don’t know of a case of a kid going into high school without knowing how to use the potty.

Potty training provides an excellent example of positive reinforcement and the ignoring of “backsliding.” That is the essence of this tool. When you teach a child to use the potty, you make a BIG positive deal about it when it is successful. The first time you see the poop in the potty, what happens? Typically, the parent praises the child, positively reinforcing the behavior in a way that is out-of-proportion with the accomplishment. You may say, “Yeah! You did it! That’s fantastic! Good Job!” and clap your hands and cheer. You also will tend to do it within seconds of the completed behavior. That is where positive reinforcement differs with general praise. Praise can be given much after the fact and can be bestowed for a number of reasons, including character traits. That is, you could say, “Wow, you are so smart” after your child receives a 100% grade on a math test. That is praise. (Although I’m not sure it is effective, but that is not the topic at hand). Positive reinforcement is for behaviors and should occur right when the behavior is completed. That is how animals are trained. The positive reinforcement (feeding, for example) occurs within seconds of the completed behavior so that the two can be connected in the mind of the animal.

If I return to potty training, you will notice that you also naturally ignore and don’t punish behaviors that don’t match the desired behavior. That is, if the child has an accident and poops in his/her pants (while not wearing a diaper) you don’t say, “You are a naughty little boy/girl!” No, that would be damaging to your child’s self-image. No, instead, you say, “Everyone has accidents at first. You can try again next time. It’s OK.” This is an accurate corollary to emotional regulation and reinforcement and punishment. Since the BP naturally has difficulties regulating her emotions, the idea of her “messing up” or “backsliding” is analogous to child pooping in her pants (even if this is more the “rule” than the “exception” in the BP’s life). It is not effective to punish her for behaviors that (at first) she can’t control. The behaviors are conditioned and the purpose of this tool is to help recondition a BP to behaviors that are more desired and effective. After conditioning, the child is able to control (or at least sense) when she has to go potty. After conditioning a BP is able to control (or at least sense) when she is becoming dysregulated.

- An excerpt from When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available online in Print, eBook and Kindle
Editions

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

But I Love You Now Available in Kindle Edition

Bon Dobbs — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 14:06:11 +0000

See larger image

But I Love You (Kindle Edition)

By (author) Bon Dobbs

List Price:	$4.99 USD
Release date April 25, 2011.

My “primer” book But I Love You is now available as a Kindle eBook. Like my other two books: When Hope is Not Enough (the big, green book) and Beyond Boundaries (the advanced guide) you can now read But I Love You on the Kindle. A note about But I Love You:

This “primer” grew out of my book “When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.” If you have read that book, you will not find much new material in this one. There are a couple of new things (most notably, the “cheerleading” tool), which do not appear in “When Hope is Not Enough.”

This primer was born out of frustration about “When Hope is Not Enough.” One of my list members (of the “Anything to Stop the Pain” Google Support List) found that she and her husband were having trouble understanding the structure of “When Hope is Not Enough.” They felt that many of their “burning questions” were answered only in the end of the book. They have an adult daughter with BPD and wanted to know answers to questions like “Why does she constantly lie to us?” and “Why does she react with rage when we
make innocent suggestions?” The problem that they found with the full “how-to guide” was that way in which I presented the material. In “When Hope is Not Enough” I present a model of BPD that is initially more “inwardly” focused on a person with BPD’s feelings, reactions and motivations. The three core components of BPD that I present in my previous book are: emotional dysregulation, shame and impulsivity. These aspects are, in my opinion, the drivers of all of the behaviors, as crazy as some of these behaviors seem to us.

However, these aspects are all internal to the person with BPD and, as parents of an adult daughter with BPD, my list member and her husband wanted to understand their daughter’s behavior from the “outside in” more fully.

“But I Love You” explains a loved one with BPD in a way that speaks to this frustration with “When Hope is Not Enough.” I see it as a stepping-stone to understanding the full “how-to” guide.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Beyond Boundaries eBook now available on the Kindle!

Bon Dobbs — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 14:08:59 +0000

See larger image

Beyond Boundaries (Kindle Edition)

By (author) Bon Dobbs

List Price:	$7.99 USD
Release date April 19, 2011.

I am pleased to announce that my eBook Beyond Boundaries is now available on the Kindle (and other Kindle format devices/readers). The price has been dropped dramatically because I had to remove the graphs, pictures and change the format slightly to make the content make sense on the Kindle. Some information about Beyond Boundaries:

My new eBook needs some explaining I think… It is an attempt of mine to bring together the ideas that I presented in “When Hope is Not Enough” plus some new ideas with which I have been working. I adjusted my “model” of BPD slightly beyond that which was presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”. I also speak more to attachment, cheerleading, mentalizing and goal-directed behavior. “When Hope is Not Enough” is a book that is all about the person with BPD. It is to help them (the ESP/BPD/ERD person) feel better. My theory with that one was if they feel better, they won’t act out in order to attempt to feel better. While modeling and reinforcement are behavioral modification techniques that ARE presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”, I have found that once you have mastered what is in “When Hope is Not Enough”, you’re left with a feeling of “what about MY feelings?” because, although things are (sometimes markedly) better, calmer and easier, it still isn’t a 50/50 relationship. That can cause frustration.

I believe I have discovered how to make the relationship closer to 50/50, which was assembled in the new eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. I wanted to get something out there to help people move toward a more 50/50 situation.I believe that it is necessary to read “When Hope is Not Enough” to fully understand “Beyond Boundaries”. I think that many people who buy it might not read “When Hope is Not Enough” first, because of the title. It is amazing how nons get the impression that boundaries are the only “tool” for BPD relationships. I am also trying to debunk that.

I don’t think you can properly apply techniques that move toward a 50/50 relationship without first gaining the trust that comes through “When Hope is Not Enough” (and other books too). Even if you SAY your intent is not malicious, the other person will not believe you unless you have demonstrated benevolent intent that “When Hope is Not Enough” helps facilitate.

Beyond Boundaries is essentially a transitional book that can get you from a calm, but sort of one-way relationship (which can be developed through the skills in When Hope is Not Enough) to a more two-way relationship. It can help you on your path toward emotional skillfulness and mastery.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

First Search on IAAHF

Bon Dobbs — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 12:41:06 +0000

I coined the phrase “It’s All About His/Her Feelings” (IAAHF) as a mentalization tool to understand the MOTIVATION behind much of the confusing behavior of those with BPD. Last week, I got the first search engine search on IAAHF. See below:

IAAHF

As you can see, I also get lots of searches on “famous people” or “celebrities” with BPD. I only post those types of articles to relate to those with BPD and their families that perhaps they are not alone in their struggles – perhaps (again it’s a maybe because the closest celebrity to actually come out and say he/she has BPD is Megan Fox – who speculated about it).

I’ve written a lot about IAAHF here. I also explain the concept and how it relates to validation skills in the I-AM-MAD communication skill. The concept of IAAHF is extremely important to fully understand if a non-BPD is going to understand what is going on in the emotionally dysregulated moments (EDMs). It takes some time to understand and to truly “get” it. For me, it was one to the most valuable perspectives on BPD and emotional dysregulation.

Sometimes, however, nons have a problem with this concept because they misinterpret it. Here is a brief note from “When Hope is Not Enough” (the second edition, on which I am working) about IAAHF:

I found that many people bristle at the idea that it’s “all about” the borderline’s feelings. Sometimes this formulation makes the Non-BPD’s ask: what about my feelings? (which, in a way, is a reformulation of “what about me?”). The intention of this concept is for you to understand the motivation of behavior, not the entire landscape of the relationship. There will be times in which the context of the relationship is about your feelings. Yet, when the “crazy” behavior takes place, it is most often motivated by dysregulated feelings and emotions. The purpose and intent of the behavior is to quell those feelings, even if it seems as if it’s your fault that those feelings exist. To understand and use this attitude properly, you have to remember that it’s (the behavior) is all about (motivated by) his/her feelings (dysregulated emotions that require calming/quelling of pain).

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

When Hope is Not Enough available for Kindle!

Bon Dobbs — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 16:50:21 +0000

See larger image

When Hope is Not Enough (Kindle Edition)

By (author) Bon Dobbs

List Price:	$7.50 USD
Release date June 15, 2008.

I am pleased to announce that When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is now available in the Kindle format in the United States and in the UK. I had been asked about getting this book on the Kindle and I finally figured out how to do it. I should have my other books on the Kindle format shortly. If you have a Kindle, now you can read the Non-BPD book that has helped hundreds of people in their relationships.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Updated Beyond Boundaries eBook

Bon Dobbs — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 15:30:09 +0000

Today, I updated the Beyond Boundaries eBook and created a second edition. Much of the content from the original Beyond Boundaries eBook is the same. I repaired some (hopefully all) of the typos and rewrote small portions of the eBook to make certain skills and concepts clearer. It is still 72 pages, yet the file size is 30% smaller. I guess this is due to a more efficient Adobe Acrobat.

Here is the original announcement about Beyond Boundaries:

My new eBook needs some explaining I think… It is an attempt of mine to bring together the ideas that I presented in “When Hope is Not Enough” plus some new ideas with which I have been working. I adjusted my “model” of BPD slightly beyond that which was presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”. I also speak more to attachment, cheerleading, mentalizing and goal-directed behavior. “When Hope is Not Enough” is a book that is all about the person with BPD. It is to help them (the ESP/BPD/ERD person) feel better. My theory with that one was if they feel better, they won’t act out in order to attempt to feel better. While modeling and reinforcement are behavioral modification techniques that ARE presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”, I have found that once you have mastered what is in “When Hope is Not Enough”, you’re left with a feeling of “what about MY feelings?” because, although things are (sometimes markedly) better, calmer and easier, it still isn’t a 50/50 relationship. That can cause frustration.

I believe I have discovered how to make the relationship closer to 50/50, which was assembled in the new eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. I wanted to get something out there to help people move toward a more 50/50 situation.I believe that it is necessary to read “When Hope is Not Enough” to fully understand “Beyond Boundaries”. I think that many people who buy it might not read “When Hope is Not Enough” first, because of the title. It is amazing how nons get the impression that boundaries are the only “tool” for BPD relationships. I am also trying to debunk that.

I don’t think you can properly apply techniques that move toward a 50/50 relationship without first gaining the trust that comes through “When Hope is Not Enough” (and other books too). Even if you SAY your intent is not malicious, the other person will not believe you unless you have demonstrated benevolent intent that “When Hope is Not Enough” helps facilitate.

You can purchase a copy of Beyond Boundaries by clicking on the Google Checkout image below. You will be sent a password to download the eBook once the purchase is complete:

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Understanding Accountability and BPD

Bon Dobbs — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 20:48:04 +0000

Often, I have had nons say to me that they want their borderlines to be accountable and responsible for their actions. I recently got a 1 star review of “When Hope is Not Enough” that indicated that the reviewer felt that my approach to BPD was a “recipe for walking on eggshells”. It’s clear to me that the reviewer didn’t really understand the content of my book. The reviewer went on to say that: This book doesn’t hold a BPD anywhere close to being responsible for her actions by granting the notion of “emotional dysregulation” a power of grand excuse.

Clearly, the reviewer didn’t understand the idea of emotional dysregulation or the difference between motivation, intent, action and consequence. I attempted to separate and explain each concept in the book, but perhaps I did a poor job.

In “When Hope is Not Enough” I write about the concept of IAAHF (or “It’s all about his/her feelings”). That statement, which is an exploration of the idea “it’s not about you,” is a statement of intent and motivation, not a release from the consequences of someone’s actions. The “all about” statement concerns the motivations of a person with BPD’s actions – that is, rarely does someone with BPD intend to hurt the non-BPD, despite appearances. What the intention of this statement of intent seeks to do is release the non from the paranoia that their loved one with BPD is out to get them. This is typically not the case. Usually, the actions of a person with BPD are intended to reduce their own emotional pain (stemming from emotional dysregulation). Sometimes this emotional pain and emotional dysregulation is triggered by (what I call) perceptions that are “misaligned” with the situation. That is, the “attack” on the borderline is not intended by the non to be an attack at all and through a highly sensitive emotional profile and emotional dysregulation, the borderline will attack back as a way of defending their self from a perceived attack. But the real point here is that the motivation and intention of the borderline’s attack is actually to quell the painful feelings within herself, not to cause interpersonal strife or manipulate the non.

However, as I also say in “When Hope is Not Enough”, the action (or cause) sometimes has unintended consequences (or effects). When a borderline is emotionally dysregulated and overcome with feelings, the action that she takes is likely to be impulsive and the consequences of her actions are not taken into consideration. When behaving this way, the borderline will often behave in an “effect -> cause” way – meaning she will think “I feel bad, so you must have done something to specifically make me feel bad.” If a borderline is to consider the consequences, even the unintended ones, of her actions, she will need to approach the situation in a “cause -> effect” way. Intentions do not provide a free pass for consequences. As I have said on the ATSTP list, just because you didn’t intend to burn down the house while playing with matches, doesn’t bring the house back into existence when you express your intention. One thing that separates the understanding of consequences (that follow from a cause – and in this case the cause is the behavior of the borderline) from blame is that there is an analysis based on observation as opposed to judgment. If you feel that the borderline has done something “wrong,” then you are inserting your judgment, rather than understanding the observed consequences of the behavior. I tried to explain this fully in “When Hope is Not Enough”, but I suppose some people either are so caught up in fault-finding and blame-storming that they can’t separate judgmental thoughts from the understanding of consequences or I have expressed it poorly in the book. If a borderline can begin to understand the consequences of her actions (and especially powerful are those that go against her goals), then, in my mind, the borderline can become responsible for her actions and do so in an effective manner.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Ok, Bon, what’s wrong with boundaries?

Bon Dobbs — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 20:03:45 +0000

A page from my eBook “Beyond Boundaries”….

In a word, nothing.

What I have a problem with is people using only boundaries (also known as “limits”). I have a problem with people thinking that boundaries are the end-all, be-all of relationship tools. I also have a problem with people using “boundaries” that are not really boundaries at all.

Let me explain… Many in the Non-BPD support community (loved ones of people with borderline personality disorder – BPD) seem to latch on to boundaries as the main tool for dealing with their loved one with BPD. While boundaries (if understood and used properly) can be an effective tool for you, boundaries are not the end-all, be-all tool in a Non-BPD’s toolbox. I have read hundreds of messages that advise others to “enforce their boundaries” with someone with BPD, as if boundaries will make the relationship more manageable. Actually, boundaries are not the most effective tool in dealing with someone with BPD. What are the more effective tools? I will explain those at length in this eBook.

Another problem with boundaries is that if a Non-BPD decides to use ONLY boundaries, troubles will occur. The reason behind this is that boundaries are an effective tool for YOU, but not necessarily an effective tool for the relationship. Often, when someone is using only boundaries, the person on the “receiving end” of the boundary will feel like they are being dealt with harshly, which, in some circumstances, can cause MORE rage. With BPD, the application of “tough love” is most often not effective. While tough love may be appropriate with substance abuse or other behavioral disorders, BPD is not primarily a behavioral disorder. It is primarily a disorder of the emotional regulation system (some researchers have suggested renaming the disorder to “Emotional Regulation Disorder”). It is a true mental illness with both biological and environmental causes and effects. It’s not just a person behaving badly, even though it can include severe behavioral dysfunction.

A final problem with boundaries is the misunderstanding of what boundaries are and to whom they apply. I explain this issue in the “About Boundaries” section of this eBook.

The reason I titled this eBook “Beyond Boundaries” is because the tools represented within are just that: they are tools to take your relationship to an effective level, beyond the knee-jerk idea that boundaries are the best tool for a Non-BPD/BPD relationship. Although many support groups, self-help books and even therapists provide the single tool of boundaries for your relationship, this eBook will provide you with an entire tool kit. Like any tool kit, the tools contained within are appropriate for different tasks. Your job, if you are willing to do it, is to learn the function of each tool and then practice with each tool until you have a complete mastery over it. That is the way to emotional freedom and peace in a difficult relationship.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

When Hope is Not Enough Sales Weirdness

Bon Dobbs — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 04:50:26 +0000

You know all, there’s something weird about the sales of “When Hope is Not Enough” – I have tracked sales each day (because I can and because it matters to me) and I have noticed something decidedly weird about those… I sold an average of 2 books a day for the first 12 days of June… and then nothing. Why? I have no idea. I don’t advertise the book much. Yet, if you look at the sales of other competing books – those seem to be going along fine. I have no idea what happened. I mean from 20,000 in sales rank to 200,000+. Strange. Look you all, this book is helpful. It has helped hundreds of people – almost a thousand at this point. I don’t make a living being Bon… yet if you drink the kool-aid – it works! I could quote the readers (and I will soon) but I’m tired. Hey it’s almost 1 AM. I just don’t get how I sell 2 books a day and then nothing in 2 days. Weird.

When Hope is Not Enough
Get the Non-BPD book that is designed for
staying and working on the relationship

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

How to set boundaries to protect yourself and improve living with a BP?

Bon Dobbs — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 20:54:47 +0000

“How to set boundaries to protect yourself and improve living with a BP?”

OK, I don’t normally do it, but today I went out to my old (circa 2005-2006) haunt – WTO (i.e. “Welcome to Oz”). WTO is the largest non-BP board on the Internet. It’s been around or at least 10 years and has over 4,000 members. Most of the members are quiet (like me). I used to post way back when and got into a number of “altercations” with people because I was presenting a different approach to people with BPD than the majority of the members. Mostly, it’s people who have just started trying to figure out what BPD is all about and are hurt and frustrated.

The quoted text above is a subject line of a recent post. I feel for the woman, I really do. Yet, that line seems to typify the very problem with BPD support groups. Firstly, there is an assumption that boundaries are the default tool for making a relationship work. They aren’t. I explain in great detail in my eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. However, the short version about boundaries is (from the Beyond Boundaries eBook):

If you do any research on BPD, you will find a plethora of advice from all types of people. There are Internet support groups, self-help books and personal stories that tell you what to do as a Non-BP. Some of this advice is good and works effectively with someone with BPD. Some of this advice is not good and is ineffective with someone with BPD. Some of this advice is misperceived by the Non and applied in a way that is not intended by the advice giver. The most misunderstood tool is boundaries.

If I had a nickel for every time someone joins my Internet list and says: “I set boundaries and try to enforce them.”

… or something like that, I’d be rich. Well, not really but I would probably have a couple of hundred dollars anyway.

Unfortunately, most people who try to create and apply boundaries to their BP relationship, do so improperly and with misunderstanding. This misunderstanding is amplified across the Internet and in publications about dealing with an emotionally sensitive person. The misunderstanding arises in two forms: one is the meaning of a boundary, and the second is to whom the boundary applies.

Many people believe that a “boundary” is equivalent to a rule and that they have to enforce their personal boundaries with a person who has BPD. This is not the case. A personal boundary is not a rule that needs to be enforced. Instead, a personal boundary is a limit that one puts on one’s own behavior. It is a choice that you make about your own behavior and a limit on the behavior you’re willing to engage in.

Boundaries have their place, but the assumption that boundaries (or limits) are the end-all, be-all (or even the default approach to BPD is IMO misguided. Other tools are much more important, effective and productive than boundaries.

Now as for “protecting oneself” I can certainly understand why one would feel that they need to protect themselves. However, I see a relationship not as a power struggle or “battle of wills” but as a cooperative sharing of feelings. Unfortunately, a borderline’s feelings are very overwhelming and, at times, seem to be the only feelings in the relationship. If someone is trying to hurt you, it’s quite possible that they’re not borderline, they’re a psychopath (in the true sense of the term). If you’d like to know more about true psychopath you can listen to this (the middle part is the presentation of Dr. James Blair about psychopathy).

You see borderline aggression is reactive in nature. It is reactive to what the borderline perceives as a threat. If the environment is a power struggle, they are going to be trigger continuously. If the environment is a cooperative sharing of feelings, the threat level will go down and you will get less aggression.

This pattern is not the same as a true psychopath.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

When Hope is Not Enough reaches #5 on Amazon’s Lulu Sales List

Bon Dobbs — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 15:20:21 +0000

Update to my previous post about “When Hope is Not Enough” being number 10 on the Lulu-published Amazon sales list. Well, today WHINE hit #5 on the June list. Again, thanks all. I appreciate it. It appears that the book is becoming more popular. I have happy about getting the message out!

When Hope is Not Enough Hits #5 on Lulu/Amazon List

When Hope is Not Enough
Get the Non-BPD book that is designed for
staying and working on the relationship

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

I guess “When Hope is Not Enough” is available on the iPad

Bon Dobbs — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 17:09:30 +0000

Apparently, “When Hope is Not Enough” is available for the iPad now. I don’t have one, so I can’t share it or whatever you do with those things. But this week, I got an unexpected boon from Lulu regarding my sales from last month. I sold 13 copies of my book in the iPad format.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

A new eBook from Bon Dobbs

Bon Dobbs — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 19:56:07 +0000

New "Beyond Boundaries" eBook

I published a new eBook called Beyond Boundaries: the advanced guide for loved ones of people with BPD. This 72 page eBook is packed with information and tools for you to gain a more effective and calmer relationship with someone with BPD. It is the culmination of what I have done in When Hope is Not Enough as well as what I have been working on since. It explains (rather tersely) what you can do and how you can get your relationship to be more of a trusting, loving relationship. It also explains when boundaries are helpful and when they are not.

The cost of the new eBook is $18.00. I think you will find that it is worth it. People in NY will have to pay sales tax. Sorry, blame the NY State legislature.

The eBook is available through Google Checkout below:

Beyond Boundaries

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Bon’s Free eBook Downloaded 6,000 Times Last Year

Bon Dobbs — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 21:41:26 +0000

Hi, all. I was looking over some statistics from last year and notice that my 4X4 ebook was downloaded over 6,000 times last year. I really hope it helped you. If you’d like to get and read this free ebook you can get it here:

Free 4 X 4 eBook

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Prices Rising on my eBooks

Bon Dobbs — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:44:51 +0000

All, because of the change in Google Checkout’s commission formula – I have to raise the price of my eBooks by $1.00. The cost of the eBook for When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is now $7.00 (USD). The cost of But I Love You: a primer for understanding a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder has risen to $5.00 (USD). The upside of this change is that now that Google Checkout has implemented digital-goods delivery, you can get your eBook moments after you order it!

Here are the new Google Checkout buttons for these two eBooks:

When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder ($7.00 USD)

But I Love You: a primer for understanding a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder ($5.00 USD)

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

WNYC Program on BPD

Bon Dobbs — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 19:11:39 +0000

More Americans suffer from borderline personality disorder than either bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, but few know much about it. Leonard talks to Dr. Frank Yeomans, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the Weill Medical College, and Christina Knight, and Kiera Van Gelder, two people recovering from BPD.

Get her book:

See larger image

The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating (Paperback)

By (author) Kiera Van Gelder

List Price:	$17.95 USD
New From:	$11.17 In Stock
Used from:	$11.42 In Stock

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Anything to Stop the Pain - BPD and Non-BPDs » Anything to Stop the Pain – For Non-Borderlines and Loved Ones of People with BPD

Ask Bon: How do I balance validating somebody’s feelings with protecting myself or my children from emotional abuse?

The Top Five Must-Have Books for Partners of People with BPD

A Review of WHINE by someone with BPD

When Hope is Not Enough (Kindle Edition)

When Hope is Not Enough now available on the Nook

A primer on Emotional Dysregulation and its role in Borderline Personality Disorder

WHINE sells over 100 copies in a month

When Hope is Not Enough (Paperback)

Recommended Reading List Updated

Reinforcement and “Behaving Better”

But I Love You Now Available in Kindle Edition

But I Love You (Kindle Edition)

Beyond Boundaries eBook now available on the Kindle!

Beyond Boundaries (Kindle Edition)

First Search on IAAHF

When Hope is Not Enough available for Kindle!

When Hope is Not Enough (Kindle Edition)

Updated Beyond Boundaries eBook

Understanding Accountability and BPD

Ok, Bon, what’s wrong with boundaries?

When Hope is Not Enough Sales Weirdness

How to set boundaries to protect yourself and improve living with a BP?

When Hope is Not Enough reaches #5 on Amazon’s Lulu Sales List

I guess “When Hope is Not Enough” is available on the iPad

A new eBook from Bon Dobbs

Bon’s Free eBook Downloaded 6,000 Times Last Year

Prices Rising on my eBooks

WNYC Program on BPD

The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating (Paperback)