New "Beyond Boundaries" eBook
I published a new eBook called Beyond Boundaries: the advanced guide for loved ones of people with BPD. This 72 page eBook is packed with information and tools for you to gain a more effective and calmer relationship with someone with BPD. It is the culmination of what I have done in When Hope is Not Enough as well as what I have been working on since. It explains (rather tersely) what you can do and how you can get your relationship to be more of a trusting, loving relationship. It also explains when boundaries are helpful and when they are not.
The cost of the new eBook is $18.00. I think you will find that it is worth it. People in NY will have to pay sales tax. Sorry, blame the NY State legislature.
The eBook is available through Google Checkout below:
Beyond Boundaries
Here’s a snippet from one of my posters in ATSTP. It does a good job of explaining boundaries:
Forgive me, but I feel the need to restate what Bon wrote to you about boundaries. They are not about your partner’s actions. They are about yours.
In essence, boundaries are what you do with YOURSELF — AFTER the line’s been crossed. And eventually, they become what you do to put yourself in a position so the line CAN’T be crossed. They really have nothing to do with the “perpetrator”.
If that’s confusing, think of it this way:
1. The law says: Don’t go over 55 mph. (That’s a rule, not a boundary.)
2. A speeder goes 85 mph. (That’s breaking a rule, not breaking a boundary.)
3. You’re a passenger in a car while the speeder is driving. (You’re in a dangerous situation. Boundaries still aren’t a factor.)
4. You tell the driver they should slow down. (That’s a plea, not a boundary.)
5. They don’t, so you yell at them that they should. (That’s still a plea.)
6. You tell them if they don’t slow down, that they’ll get a ticket. (That’s a threat of consequences, not enforcing a boundary.)
7. Next time they ask you to ride with them, you don’t. (THAT’S a boundary.)
See, the thing is — Boundaries can’t be enforced, because they’re not rules. You either do them, or you don’t.
The idea even works in the traffic parallel. What’s a boundary on a road? A concrete divider. Cars CAN’T go over that. On the other hand, yellow lines are just rules that say “Don’t drive over this.” So they have to be enforced.
So, how can you tell a rule from a boundary? If you have to enforce it, it’s not a boundary.
I think there is a lot of confusion about boundaries, which they are and how they apply to BPD. I plan on featuring some discussion and information about boundaries here. Here is a snippet from the Anything to Stop the Pain email list about boundaries:
I don’t think most boundaries are consciously set. I feel most of them are designed into us as a survival mechanism. Many of these function at an emotional rather than rational level of the mind.” – an ATSTP member on boundaries
Emotions are built-in mechanisms to detect and avoid threats. They are part of the “animal brain” (the limbic system) and operate at a lower level than “rational” (cortex-based) thoughts. So, if you have an emotion (fear) you might create an unconscious boundary to protect your survival (I will not go down that block after midnight). The key with highly emotional people is that their emotions are so wildly swinging, the boundaries are moving rapidly as well. My wife will do something under the influence of intense emotions (and impulsively) that she would never do when “rational”. She will violate her own boundaries because of the threat to her survival “seems” there. It may not match the facts of the situation, but she feels that it does and in that way creates a new “boundary” (or reaction to emotions that is natural, even if the cause of the emotion is not valid). I think it is important to keep that in mind. I bring it up because people here are upset that the BP can’t observe boundaries or doesn’t have “personal values” (or whatever language we use), when in fact, the other person is subject to strong emotions that make the behavior seem perfectly “reasonable” (since they contribute to his/her survival) at the time.
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