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When new members “wash up on the shores” of the ATSTP list, they are confused, angry, helpless and exhausted. One thing I also noticed is that new members are emotionally entangled with their loved ones with BPD. Sometimes when people speak of “boundaries,” they use the phrase “where you end and I begin.” The word boundary has many meanings, and have talked about effective boundaries a lot on this blog. Yet, this idea of “where you stop and I begin” is very important when you’re entangled in another person’s emotions. A Non-BPD must learn to heal, to unpack emotional baggage, to acquire the emotional skills to help to detangle the morass of emotional issues that may be keeping him/her in confusion and pain.
If your emotional well-being is dependent upon a loved one’s behavior, you’re in a difficult and painful situation – one in which you have little control over. This leads to a feeling of helplessness because you have no ability to direct your emotional life since your feelings are dependent on another person’s words or actions. Instead, you can state: “My emotional well-being will be whatever it will be no matter what he/she does/says.” Easier said than done, I know, especially when the other person is telling you you’re a loser or a failure or whatever other insults that may have been foisted upon you. Ask yourself: Is my emotional well-being dependent on his/her behavior?
Here’s a quote about this subject from the I-Ching which a member of the ATSTP list posted on this subject:
Here the source of a man’s strength lies not in himself but in his relation to other people. No matter how close to them he may be, if his center of gravity depends on them, he is inevitably tossed to and fro between joy and sorrow. Rejoicing to high heaven, then sad unto death-this is the fate of those who depend upon an inner accord with other persons whom they love. Here we have only the statement of the law that this is so. Whether this condition is felt to be an affliction or the supreme happiness of love, is left to the subjective verdict of the person concerned.
A page from my eBook “Beyond Boundaries”….
In a word, nothing.
What I have a problem with is people using only boundaries (also known as “limits”). I have a problem with people thinking that boundaries are the end-all, be-all of relationship tools. I also have a problem with people using “boundaries” that are not really boundaries at all.
Let me explain… Many in the Non-BPD support community (loved ones of people with borderline personality disorder – BPD) seem to latch on to boundaries as the main tool for dealing with their loved one with BPD. While boundaries (if understood and used properly) can be an effective tool for you, boundaries are not the end-all, be-all tool in a Non-BPD’s toolbox. I have read hundreds of messages that advise others to “enforce their boundaries” with someone with BPD, as if boundaries will make the relationship more manageable. Actually, boundaries are not the most effective tool in dealing with someone with BPD. What are the more effective tools? I will explain those at length in this eBook.
Another problem with boundaries is that if a Non-BPD decides to use ONLY boundaries, troubles will occur. The reason behind this is that boundaries are an effective tool for YOU, but not necessarily an effective tool for the relationship. Often, when someone is using only boundaries, the person on the “receiving end” of the boundary will feel like they are being dealt with harshly, which, in some circumstances, can cause MORE rage. With BPD, the application of “tough love” is most often not effective. While tough love may be appropriate with substance abuse or other behavioral disorders, BPD is not primarily a behavioral disorder. It is primarily a disorder of the emotional regulation system (some researchers have suggested renaming the disorder to “Emotional Regulation Disorder”). It is a true mental illness with both biological and environmental causes and effects. It’s not just a person behaving badly, even though it can include severe behavioral dysfunction.
A final problem with boundaries is the misunderstanding of what boundaries are and to whom they apply. I explain this issue in the “About Boundaries” section of this eBook.
The reason I titled this eBook “Beyond Boundaries” is because the tools represented within are just that: they are tools to take your relationship to an effective level, beyond the knee-jerk idea that boundaries are the best tool for a Non-BPD/BPD relationship. Although many support groups, self-help books and even therapists provide the single tool of boundaries for your relationship, this eBook will provide you with an entire tool kit. Like any tool kit, the tools contained within are appropriate for different tasks. Your job, if you are willing to do it, is to learn the function of each tool and then practice with each tool until you have a complete mastery over it. That is the way to emotional freedom and peace in a difficult relationship.
“How to set boundaries to protect yourself and improve living with a BP?”
OK, I don’t normally do it, but today I went out to my old (circa 2005-2006) haunt – WTO (i.e. “Welcome to Oz”). WTO is the largest non-BP board on the Internet. It’s been around or at least 10 years and has over 4,000 members. Most of the members are quiet (like me). I used to post way back when and got into a number of “altercations” with people because I was presenting a different approach to people with BPD than the majority of the members. Mostly, it’s people who have just started trying to figure out what BPD is all about and are hurt and frustrated.
The quoted text above is a subject line of a recent post. I feel for the woman, I really do. Yet, that line seems to typify the very problem with BPD support groups. Firstly, there is an assumption that boundaries are the default tool for making a relationship work. They aren’t. I explain in great detail in my eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. However, the short version about boundaries is (from the Beyond Boundaries eBook):
If you do any research on BPD, you will find a plethora of advice from all types of people. There are Internet support groups, self-help books and personal stories that tell you what to do as a Non-BP. Some of this advice is good and works effectively with someone with BPD. Some of this advice is not good and is ineffective with someone with BPD. Some of this advice is misperceived by the Non and applied in a way that is not intended by the advice giver. The most misunderstood tool is boundaries.
If I had a nickel for every time someone joins my Internet list and says: “I set boundaries and try to enforce them.”
… or something like that, I’d be rich. Well, not really but I would probably have a couple of hundred dollars anyway.
Unfortunately, most people who try to create and apply boundaries to their BP relationship, do so improperly and with misunderstanding. This misunderstanding is amplified across the Internet and in publications about dealing with an emotionally sensitive person. The misunderstanding arises in two forms: one is the meaning of a boundary, and the second is to whom the boundary applies.
Many people believe that a “boundary” is equivalent to a rule and that they have to enforce their personal boundaries with a person who has BPD. This is not the case. A personal boundary is not a rule that needs to be enforced. Instead, a personal boundary is a limit that one puts on one’s own behavior. It is a choice that you make about your own behavior and a limit on the behavior you’re willing to engage in.
Boundaries have their place, but the assumption that boundaries (or limits) are the end-all, be-all (or even the default approach to BPD is IMO misguided. Other tools are much more important, effective and productive than boundaries.
Now as for “protecting oneself” I can certainly understand why one would feel that they need to protect themselves. However, I see a relationship not as a power struggle or “battle of wills” but as a cooperative sharing of feelings. Unfortunately, a borderline’s feelings are very overwhelming and, at times, seem to be the only feelings in the relationship. If someone is trying to hurt you, it’s quite possible that they’re not borderline, they’re a psychopath (in the true sense of the term). If you’d like to know more about true psychopath you can listen to this (the middle part is the presentation of Dr. James Blair about psychopathy).
You see borderline aggression is reactive in nature. It is reactive to what the borderline perceives as a threat. If the environment is a power struggle, they are going to be trigger continuously. If the environment is a cooperative sharing of feelings, the threat level will go down and you will get less aggression.
This pattern is not the same as a true psychopath.
 New "Beyond Boundaries" eBook I published a new eBook called Beyond Boundaries: the advanced guide for loved ones of people with BPD. This 72 page eBook is packed with information and tools for you to gain a more effective and calmer relationship with someone with BPD. It is the culmination of what I have done in When Hope is Not Enough as well as what I have been working on since. It explains (rather tersely) what you can do and how you can get your relationship to be more of a trusting, loving relationship. It also explains when boundaries are helpful and when they are not.
The cost of the new eBook is $18.00. I think you will find that it is worth it. People in NY will have to pay sales tax. Sorry, blame the NY State legislature.
The eBook is available through Google Checkout below:
Beyond Boundaries
Here’s a snippet from one of my posters in ATSTP. It does a good job of explaining boundaries:
Forgive me, but I feel the need to restate what Bon wrote to you about boundaries. They are not about your partner’s actions. They are about yours.
In essence, boundaries are what you do with YOURSELF — AFTER the line’s been crossed. And eventually, they become what you do to put yourself in a position so the line CAN’T be crossed. They really have nothing to do with the “perpetrator”.
If that’s confusing, think of it this way:
1. The law says: Don’t go over 55 mph. (That’s a rule, not a boundary.)
2. A speeder goes 85 mph. (That’s breaking a rule, not breaking a boundary.)
3. You’re a passenger in a car while the speeder is driving. (You’re in a dangerous situation. Boundaries still aren’t a factor.)
4. You tell the driver they should slow down. (That’s a plea, not a boundary.)
5. They don’t, so you yell at them that they should. (That’s still a plea.)
6. You tell them if they don’t slow down, that they’ll get a ticket. (That’s a threat of consequences, not enforcing a boundary.)
7. Next time they ask you to ride with them, you don’t. (THAT’S a boundary.)
See, the thing is — Boundaries can’t be enforced, because they’re not rules. You either do them, or you don’t.
The idea even works in the traffic parallel. What’s a boundary on a road? A concrete divider. Cars CAN’T go over that. On the other hand, yellow lines are just rules that say “Don’t drive over this.” So they have to be enforced.
So, how can you tell a rule from a boundary? If you have to enforce it, it’s not a boundary.
I think there is a lot of confusion about boundaries, which they are and how they apply to BPD. I plan on featuring some discussion and information about boundaries here. Here is a snippet from the Anything to Stop the Pain email list about boundaries:
I don’t think most boundaries are consciously set. I feel most of them are designed into us as a survival mechanism. Many of these function at an emotional rather than rational level of the mind.” – an ATSTP member on boundaries
Emotions are built-in mechanisms to detect and avoid threats. They are part of the “animal brain” (the limbic system) and operate at a lower level than “rational” (cortex-based) thoughts. So, if you have an emotion (fear) you might create an unconscious boundary to protect your survival (I will not go down that block after midnight). The key with highly emotional people is that their emotions are so wildly swinging, the boundaries are moving rapidly as well. My wife will do something under the influence of intense emotions (and impulsively) that she would never do when “rational”. She will violate her own boundaries because of the threat to her survival “seems” there. It may not match the facts of the situation, but she feels that it does and in that way creates a new “boundary” (or reaction to emotions that is natural, even if the cause of the emotion is not valid). I think it is important to keep that in mind. I bring it up because people here are upset that the BP can’t observe boundaries or doesn’t have “personal values” (or whatever language we use), when in fact, the other person is subject to strong emotions that make the behavior seem perfectly “reasonable” (since they contribute to his/her survival) at the time.
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