Connect with Bon

A free eBook – 4X4 for Nons

Here is a free eBook from Bon: Free eBook

Holiday Skills for Dealing with Difficult Relatives and Friends

Hello, all. Below are two posts from the past that deal with Holiday dynamics. As the Holiday season goes on and Christmas and New Year’s approach, perhaps it’s time to review these and see what you can do to be more effective during the Holiday season?

Enjoy!

Bon

Just in time for the holidays

Family Dynamics Around the Holiday Table

 

Beyond Boundaries now available in a printed format

My follow-up to When Hope is Not Enough, entitled Beyond Boundaries, is now available in a printed format from the publisher. You can buy a copy by clicking on the cover:

Beyond Boundaries

Beyond Boundaries

 

Mom Was Right: Clean Your Room

People are apparently sensitive to information they get from the environment to the point that it influences decisions they make about what is moral and what is acceptable behavior. For emotionally sensitive people, the message from environmental cues seems to be a particularly strong. My experience is that the environment affects the mood and identity of emotionally sensitive people.

Bon: I love the Emotionally Sensitive Person blog over at Psychcentral. Here is a post about an orderly environment and the effects on an emotionally sensitive person.

Mom Was Right: Clean Your Room
By KARYN HALL, PHD

In his book Redirect: The Surprising New Science of Psychological Change, Timothy Wilson described the “broken windows” theory of James Wilson and George Kelling.

This theory is about neighborhoods and safety. Wilson and Kelling believed that the appearance of neighborhoods made a difference in preventing criminal activity. They proposed that the environment communicated to people information on what behavior was appropriate.

Broken windows and graffiti were signals to people that a neighborhood was deteriorating and breaking the law was acceptable.

Researchers in the Netherlands tested this idea. One of their experiments was to put a five-euro bill in an envelope with a clear window so the bill could be seen. They placed the envelope halfway out of a mailbox so people walking by could see it. When there were not signs of lawlessness, only 13% took the money. When there was litter on the ground or graffiti on the mailbox, the percentage doubled.

People are apparently sensitive to information they get from the environment to the point that it influences decisions they make about what is moral and what is acceptable behavior. For emotionally sensitive people, the message from environmental cues seems to be a particularly strong. My experience is that the environment affects the mood and identity of emotionally sensitive people.

Emotionally sensitive people often have thin boundaries. They experience the border between themselves and others as flexible and transparent rather than solid and thick. I would say for some the boundary between themselves and their environment is also thin. So consider what information your home is giving to you. 
Continue reading Mom Was Right: Clean Your Room

Boundaries and My Life

The Elephant

I don’t usually get personal on this blog. Today, I have decided to get a bit personal. My “emotional” daughter has been texting me – worried about her mother’s (my wife’s) behavior. We have been going back and forth, trying to figure out what we could do to be effective in this situation. Eventually, I had to apply my boundary with my wife. I had to tell her “I will not talk to you when you’re in this state”. It was tough, yet it was the elephant in the room. The thing is… and this is what you nonBPDs need to learn about boundaries (and about which I have written volumes) is that when you apply your boundaries, you have to expect rage, denial and attacks from the borderline. I have been attacked via text messages all day after I did that. I just ignored the attacks, stayed on point and went like a train on the track toward the actual issue. I got a LOT of “what about you?” attacks (see When Hope is Not Enough to know that THAT means). Ultimately though, as a nonBPD, you have to be brave and mention the elephant in the room. It’s hard, it causes ripples with the whole family, yet it’s important. I just want you all to realize that applying boundaries will (most likely) cause rage, attacks and counter-blame.

Beyond Boundaries eBook now available on the Kindle!

Beyond Boundaries (Kindle Edition)


Kindle Edition: Check Amazon for Pricing Digital Only

I am pleased to announce that my eBook Beyond Boundaries is now available on the Kindle (and other Kindle format devices/readers). The price has been dropped dramatically because I had to remove the graphs, pictures and change the format slightly to make the content make sense on the Kindle. Some information about Beyond Boundaries:

My new eBook needs some explaining I think… It is an attempt of mine to bring together the ideas that I presented in “When Hope is Not Enough” plus some new ideas with which I have been working. I adjusted my “model” of BPD slightly beyond that which was presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”. I also speak more to attachment, cheerleading, mentalizing and goal-directed behavior. “When Hope is Not Enough” is a book that is all about the person with BPD. It is to help them (the ESP/BPD/ERD person) feel better. My theory with that one was if they feel better, they won’t act out in order to attempt to feel better. While modeling and reinforcement are behavioral modification techniques that ARE presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”, I have found that once you have mastered what is in “When Hope is Not Enough”, you’re left with a feeling of “what about MY feelings?” because, although things are (sometimes markedly) better, calmer and easier, it still isn’t a 50/50 relationship. That can cause frustration.

I believe I have discovered how to make the relationship closer to 50/50, which was assembled in the new eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. I wanted to get something out there to help people move toward a more 50/50 situation.I believe that it is necessary to read “When Hope is Not Enough” to fully understand “Beyond Boundaries”. I think that many people who buy it might not read “When Hope is Not Enough” first, because of the title. It is amazing how nons get the impression that boundaries are the only “tool” for BPD relationships. I am also trying to debunk that.

I don’t think you can properly apply techniques that move toward a 50/50 relationship without first gaining the trust that comes through “When Hope is Not Enough” (and other books too). Even if you SAY your intent is not malicious, the other person will not believe you unless you have demonstrated benevolent intent that “When Hope is Not Enough” helps facilitate.

Beyond Boundaries is essentially a transitional book that can get you from a calm, but sort of one-way relationship (which can be developed through the skills in When Hope is Not Enough) to a more two-way relationship. It can help you on your path toward emotional skillfulness and mastery.

 

Updated Beyond Boundaries eBook

Today, I updated the Beyond Boundaries eBook and created a second edition. Much of the content from the original Beyond Boundaries eBook is the same. I repaired some (hopefully all) of the typos and rewrote small portions of the eBook to make certain skills and concepts clearer. It is still 72 pages, yet the file size is 30% smaller. I guess this is due to a more efficient Adobe Acrobat.

Here is the original announcement about Beyond Boundaries:

My new eBook needs some explaining I think… It is an attempt of mine to bring together the ideas that I presented in “When Hope is Not Enough” plus some new ideas with which I have been working. I adjusted my “model” of BPD slightly beyond that which was presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”. I also speak more to attachment, cheerleading, mentalizing and goal-directed behavior. “When Hope is Not Enough” is a book that is all about the person with BPD. It is to help them (the ESP/BPD/ERD person) feel better. My theory with that one was if they feel better, they won’t act out in order to attempt to feel better. While modeling and reinforcement are behavioral modification techniques that ARE presented in “When Hope is Not Enough”, I have found that once you have mastered what is in “When Hope is Not Enough”, you’re left with a feeling of “what about MY feelings?” because, although things are (sometimes markedly) better, calmer and easier, it still isn’t a 50/50 relationship. That can cause frustration.

I believe I have discovered how to make the relationship closer to 50/50, which was assembled in the new eBook “Beyond Boundaries”. I wanted to get something out there to help people move toward a more 50/50 situation.I believe that it is necessary to read “When Hope is Not Enough” to fully understand “Beyond Boundaries”. I think that many people who buy it might not read “When Hope is Not Enough” first, because of the title. It is amazing how nons get the impression that boundaries are the only “tool” for BPD relationships. I am also trying to debunk that.

I don’t think you can properly apply techniques that move toward a 50/50 relationship without first gaining the trust that comes through “When Hope is Not Enough” (and other books too). Even if you SAY your intent is not malicious, the other person will not believe you unless you have demonstrated benevolent intent that “When Hope is Not Enough” helps facilitate.

You can purchase a copy of Beyond Boundaries by clicking on the Google Checkout image below. You will be sent a password to download the eBook once the purchase is complete: