A free eBook – 4X4 for Nons
|
I coined the phrase “It’s All About His/Her Feelings” (IAAHF) as a mentalization tool to understand the MOTIVATION behind much of the confusing behavior of those with BPD. Last week, I got the first search engine search on IAAHF. See below:
 IAAHF As you can see, I also get lots of searches on “famous people” or “celebrities” with BPD. I only post those types of articles to relate to those with BPD and their families that perhaps they are not alone in their struggles – perhaps (again it’s a maybe because the closest celebrity to actually come out and say he/she has BPD is Megan Fox – who speculated about it).
I’ve written a lot about IAAHF here. I also explain the concept and how it relates to validation skills in the I-AM-MAD communication skill. The concept of IAAHF is extremely important to fully understand if a non-BPD is going to understand what is going on in the emotionally dysregulated moments (EDMs). It takes some time to understand and to truly “get” it. For me, it was one to the most valuable perspectives on BPD and emotional dysregulation.
Sometimes, however, nons have a problem with this concept because they misinterpret it. Here is a brief note from “When Hope is Not Enough” (the second edition, on which I am working) about IAAHF:
I found that many people bristle at the idea that it’s “all about” the borderline’s feelings. Sometimes this formulation makes the Non-BPD’s ask: what about my feelings? (which, in a way, is a reformulation of “what about me?”). The intention of this concept is for you to understand the motivation of behavior, not the entire landscape of the relationship. There will be times in which the context of the relationship is about your feelings. Yet, when the “crazy” behavior takes place, it is most often motivated by dysregulated feelings and emotions. The purpose and intent of the behavior is to quell those feelings, even if it seems as if it’s your fault that those feelings exist. To understand and use this attitude properly, you have to remember that it’s (the behavior) is all about (motivated by) his/her feelings (dysregulated emotions that require calming/quelling of pain).
Today, I have decided to rotate the poll. The last question I asked is about books that non-BPD people have read. Not surprisingly, the largest slice of the responders said “Stop Walking on Eggshells” as the book that they read (among others). Here is the data, normalized across the “choose all that apply” spectrum. If you’d like to see it by responders, see the “polls” link or poll archive.
 Books Read by Non-BPDs OK, here’s a better representation of the percentage of the responders, rather than the % by total answers:
 Books by Responders I also have started a new poll about self-injury. I am quite interested in the stats on self-injury because I have been told time and time again that MOST BPDs do NOT engage in self-injury. I guess we’ll see in the unscientific way that we do here.
In my book “When Hope is Not Enough”, I recommend to Non-BPD folks that they “Don’t Defend”. This advice has caused many a member of the ATSTP Goggle Group Support List to be concerned and to struggle with the idea of defending oneself against day-to-day accusations. Some times this “defending” is actually “justification or explaining”. Sometimes it is even done pro-actively – heading off criticism or misinterpretation ahead of time. Well, recently, a member of the group pointed us to a posting from Russell Bishop entitled “Why You Should Never Defend, Explain or Justify”. I think it captures the spirit and nature of my directive: Don’t Defend.
Here is the text of the article, as seen on the Huffington Post:
Russell Bishop Author, Consultant, Executive Coach
Posted: March 7, 2011 06:10 AM
Why You Should Never Defend, Explain or Justify
Why do some people seem to be forever defending, explaining or justifying themselves? Do you enjoy being around this person? Are you one yourself?
Quite the opposite from the critics who have been the subject of recent articles on complaints and criticism, this person becomes tiresome not because of a string of complaints, but more because of the somewhat toxic nature of self-defense.
Years ago, as the personal transformation wave was cresting via large group seminars, several of us started using a made-up word to highlight the toxic nature of self-defense and explanation: dexify. The word even seems to connote something toxic all by itself.
Certainly, someone who engages in dexification (there’s another use that may suggest something kind of dark) seems to be sliding down a spiraling path of negativity. What’s so negative about defending yourself, you might ask?
On the one hand, nothing really, especially if there’s something there to defend. However, I am not referring to the kind of self-defense you might need when wrongly accused of something, especially something heinous or criminal. However, there’s a difference between that kind of self-defense and the more common defend-explain-justify behavior that many of us seem to engage in almost daily.
To be fair, I know I have certainly done my fair share of dexification. The main problem in day-to-day life is that when you choose to dexify, you almost always sound guilty-as-charged. I know that when I find myself in justification mode, there’s almost always some part of me that feels insecure about the area, perhaps even wondering-fearing-believing that it must be true.
There may well be several moving parts here, but allow me to underscore a critical aspect that may be operative and why dexification is usually not all that helpful. The worst possible scenario might be that the criticism is accurate and I’m simply digging myself a deeper hole by dexifying.
Some time ago, I wrote an article on this subject, citing a lesson learned from Bucky Fuller about how we can benefit from our perceived enemies. The gist of the story: after a wonderful lecture on the value of seeking to understand and be understood, Bucky took questions from the audience. One gentleman took the microphone and proceeded to tell Bucky that he was full of beans, didn’t know what he was talking about, and had no basis for his point of view. Bucky considered the comment, and replied, “Thank you.”
After a couple of more rounds of this kind of exchange-attack, wherein the gentleman kept going after Bucky, trying to provoke a reaction, Bucky taught us all a great lesson in self-awareness by saying something like this:
Did you not notice that each time I paused to consider what you had to say? I looked inside myself to see if some part of me was reacting to what you had said about me, particularly if some part of me were upset, prone to counterattack, or otherwise affected. I have found that when I am in that kind of reaction, there is typically something there for me to learn about myself, something for which I need to improve. In this instance, I found no reaction. Thus, you were simply sharing your opinion to which you are fully entitled and with which I have no argument. Therefore, “Thank you” seemed most appropriate.
Indeed, Bucky Fuller demonstrated considerable self-awareness and personal integrity throughout his life, and this little exchange has been a guiding light for me for years. Learning to see the reaction inside myself as feedback about me, pointing out areas of growth, not something to be defended, has been both expansive and liberating for me.
I have learned that when I feel the need to dexify myself, some part of me is almost always of the opinion that they must be right and I must be wrong. The defending, explaining and justifying never seems to change anything and, instead, tends to anchor me more deeply in the issue that needs to be addressed.
If you recognize this tendency in yourself, here’s a little tip that I have found personally useful whenever I have the courage to use it. Courage, by the way, is an interesting word that typically means something about physical or mental strength or bravery. Its roots, however, go to the Latin and French words for “heart.” I have heard it said that the suffix of the word, “age,” means something like “wisdom.” If you put the two together, you get “the wisdom of the heart.”
The next time you find yourself under attack and are about to resort to dexification, consider the wisdom of your own heart. Look inside yourself to your own reactions. If, like Bucky, you find yourself in reaction mode, consider that there might be a kernel of truth here for you, perhaps an entire bushel-full. If there is something there, then draw a bit more on that source of heartfelt wisdom and dive into the question even further, perhaps saying something like, “That’s very interesting. Can you say some more about what you see or how you see this playing out in my behavior?”
I know that for many this seems somewhere between silly and incomprehensible. Why on earth would you invite even more criticism, especially in an area where you might already feel uncomfortable?
It’s simple, really. You just might learn something that will liberate you. You may find yourself growing in confidence and inner strength as you choose inquiry over dexification. You might also wind up closing a gap between you and the other person. After all, it does take great courage to step closer in the face of criticism, and your sincere inquiry may melt away something that prevents you from being even more effective.
***
Please leave a comment here or drop Russell an e-mail at Russell@russellbishop.com.
 Sometimes Love Hurts I’m currently reading the book ‘The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder’ by Randi Kreger. This is the first book I’ve read on the subject & I’m finding it really helpful.
I started to research other books and found the one I’m ‘reviewing’ on the US Amazon website. There are lots of reviews of the book there and it made me decide to buy it as the reviews are very positive. So, if you want to read reviews before you buy this book, have a look on the American site.
I’ve now read the book! Just this minute finished reading it in fact. I have found it so very very helpful, not just with the tools Bon Dobbs gives you for improving your relationship with your BP loved one, but for improving their experience of life. It’s a book for being a kinder, more understanding, more enlightened person in all relationships I think.
The first book I read by Randi Kreger (mentioned above) was more about looking after yourself when in a relationship with a BP. Bon Dobbs’ book is about looking after them too. He says “a BP’s brain is working against them by upsetting the emotional regulation system. It is impossible for a BP NOT to feel those emotions. The emotions are not right or wrong, they just ARE. It is the behaviours that arise from the emotions that can be changed, and that is where we will focus our attention.”
The book is very practical and very intelligently and insightfully written, based on years of experience of living with 2 family members with BP (wife & young daughter). I am so grateful to the author for so generously sharing his experiences and the ways he’s found to improve life for his wife, daughter, the rest of the family & himself.
I have learned so much about why my own loved one developed BPD in the first place and what I can now do to help alleviate some of the suffering that goes with this condition.
The title ‘When Hope is Not Enough’ sounds a bit bleak, but what the book has given me IS huge hope! I now very clearly understand that my loved one needs validation of their feelings. The author has shown me that validating their feelings in no way compromises my own core value of acting with integrity – rather, it will enhance it.
The reason I find this review interesting is two-fold (beyond the thank-yous and the nice words about me): 1) I believe that the reviewer is correct about the nature of my book – it is for the relationship, not for the non-BP exclusively and 2) The reviewer is also right about the fact that you can enhance the relationship, through validation and other tools, without sacrificing your own value or values.
| List Price: |
$7.50 USD |
Release date June 15, 2008.
|
|
I am pleased to announce that When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is now available in the Kindle format in the United States and in the UK. I had been asked about getting this book on the Kindle and I finally figured out how to do it. I should have my other books on the Kindle format shortly. If you have a Kindle, now you can read the Non-BPD book that has helped hundreds of people in their relationships.
| List Price: |
$24.95 USD |
| New From: |
$14.16 In Stock |
| Used from: |
$14.00 In Stock |
|
|
|
Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr is perhaps the most up-to-date and complete book for family members of people with BPD published to date. When I read the book, I couldn’t help but think that Ms. Porr had the therapists and mental health professional more in mind than the family members. It appears as though she is trying to dispel many myths about BPD that exist not only in the family environment but also in the mental health community. This book is steeped in scientific research, including research involving the biological under-pinnings of BPD. It includes many skills for family members from both DBT and mentalization based therapy (MBT). Clearly Ms. Porr is highly respected by the clinical community since many of the leading experts in research and practice in BPD treatment have written blurbs for this book. The book is quite dense and a must read for family members of those with BPD. Yet it might not be the best book to start with because of the complexity of the scientific research, the psychoeducational aspects and the technical details about the various therapies for those with BPD. Still, I highly recommend Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder.
An article about Stieg Larsson’s character Lisbeth Salander from the “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” hit trilogy. A quote:
Larsson especially liked the idea about a grown up Pippi Longstocking, a dysfunctional girl with borderline personality, who would have had a hard time finding a regular place in the ‘normal society’ and he used part of those characteristics when he created Lisbeth Salander.
Buy the books here:
 The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo  The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest  The Girl Who Played with Fire (Vintage)
Something I stumbled across over the weekend. Talk about “I Hate You. Don’t Leave Me!”
Emotional Idiot
Maggie Estep
I’m an Emotional Idiot
so get away from me.
I mean,
COME HERE.
Wait, no,
that’s too close,
give me some space
it’s a big country,
there’s plenty of room,
don’t sit so close to me.
Hey, where are you?
I haven’t seen you in days.
Whadya, having an affair?
Who is she?
Come on,
aren’t I enough for you?
God,
You’re so cold.
I never know what you’re thinking.
You’re not very affectionate.
I mean,
you’re clinging to me,
DON’T TOUCH ME,
what am I, your fucking cat?
Don’t rub me like that.
Don’t you have anything better to do
than sit there fawning over me?
Don’t you have any interests?
Hobbies?
Sailing Fly fishing
Archeology?
There’s an archeology expedition leaving tomorrow
why don’t you go?
I’ll loan you the money,
my money is your money.
my life is your life
my soul is yours
without you I’m nothing.
Move in with me
we’ll get a studio apartment together, save on rent,
well, wait, I mean, a one bedroom,
so we don’t get in each other’s hair or anything
or, well,
maybe a two bedroom
I’ll have my own bedroom,
it’s nothing personal
I just need to be alone sometimes,
you do understand,
don’t you?
Hey, why are you acting distant?
Where you goin’,
was it something I said?
What
What did I do?
I’m an emotional idiot
so get away from me
I mean,
MARRY ME.
You can buy Maggie Estep’s “Diary of an Emotional Idiot” below:
 Diary of an Emotional Idiot
Often, I have had nons say to me that they want their borderlines to be accountable and responsible for their actions. I recently got a 1 star review of “When Hope is Not Enough” that indicated that the reviewer felt that my approach to BPD was a “recipe for walking on eggshells”. It’s clear to me that the reviewer didn’t really understand the content of my book. The reviewer went on to say that: This book doesn’t hold a BPD anywhere close to being responsible for her actions by granting the notion of “emotional dysregulation” a power of grand excuse.
Clearly, the reviewer didn’t understand the idea of emotional dysregulation or the difference between motivation, intent, action and consequence. I attempted to separate and explain each concept in the book, but perhaps I did a poor job.
In “When Hope is Not Enough” I write about the concept of IAAHF (or “It’s all about his/her feelings”). That statement, which is an exploration of the idea “it’s not about you,” is a statement of intent and motivation, not a release from the consequences of someone’s actions. The “all about” statement concerns the motivations of a person with BPD’s actions – that is, rarely does someone with BPD intend to hurt the non-BPD, despite appearances. What the intention of this statement of intent seeks to do is release the non from the paranoia that their loved one with BPD is out to get them. This is typically not the case. Usually, the actions of a person with BPD are intended to reduce their own emotional pain (stemming from emotional dysregulation). Sometimes this emotional pain and emotional dysregulation is triggered by (what I call) perceptions that are “misaligned” with the situation. That is, the “attack” on the borderline is not intended by the non to be an attack at all and through a highly sensitive emotional profile and emotional dysregulation, the borderline will attack back as a way of defending their self from a perceived attack. But the real point here is that the motivation and intention of the borderline’s attack is actually to quell the painful feelings within herself, not to cause interpersonal strife or manipulate the non.
However, as I also say in “When Hope is Not Enough”, the action (or cause) sometimes has unintended consequences (or effects). When a borderline is emotionally dysregulated and overcome with feelings, the action that she takes is likely to be impulsive and the consequences of her actions are not taken into consideration. When behaving this way, the borderline will often behave in an “effect -> cause” way – meaning she will think “I feel bad, so you must have done something to specifically make me feel bad.” If a borderline is to consider the consequences, even the unintended ones, of her actions, she will need to approach the situation in a “cause -> effect” way. Intentions do not provide a free pass for consequences. As I have said on the ATSTP list, just because you didn’t intend to burn down the house while playing with matches, doesn’t bring the house back into existence when you express your intention. One thing that separates the understanding of consequences (that follow from a cause – and in this case the cause is the behavior of the borderline) from blame is that there is an analysis based on observation as opposed to judgment. If you feel that the borderline has done something “wrong,” then you are inserting your judgment, rather than understanding the observed consequences of the behavior. I tried to explain this fully in “When Hope is Not Enough”, but I suppose some people either are so caught up in fault-finding and blame-storming that they can’t separate judgmental thoughts from the understanding of consequences or I have expressed it poorly in the book. If a borderline can begin to understand the consequences of her actions (and especially powerful are those that go against her goals), then, in my mind, the borderline can become responsible for her actions and do so in an effective manner.
 When Hope is Not Enough discounted for the holidays Just in time for the holidays, I am offering a 25% discount on the Publisher’s version of When Hope is Not Enough. You can now buy the book directly from the publisher for only $14.96! That 25% off the retail price and cheaper than buying it at Amazon. This deal will only be valid through the end of the year. To buy the book at this price follow this link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/when-hope-is-not-enough/2994088
If you need some skills to help you through the holidays, read this post.
|
Loading ...
